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I’ll preface this story….
My wife and I have been having a rough time recently. I keep screwing things up. I push too far, or I do something I’m not supposed to do. I try to stick in the rules but I keep messing things up…. Part of this is down to my wife’s variability at the moment. What is perfectly OK one day, may not be the next.
Because of this, I have done the “I’m not doing this anymore” thing. This ramps up my depression, this in turn ramps up my wife’s depression. We argue, we cry. We get OK again, and my wife talks me back into dressing.
After such an episode of me screwing things up, I’ve not been dressing for a week. Yesterday my wife and I were talking and she suggested that today I get dressed. Just something modest, nothing stupid, no hair do, or make up. So this morning I got up, showered and got dressed. Nothing silly, My new tan boots, black tights, just above the knee red skirt and a black T-shirt with “Meant to be” printed on the front. Nice, and casual.
The day was going great. My guilt of dressing after promising I wouldn’t, wasn’t anywhere to be seen. My wife was happy, I was happy. I looked great and felt great. All was good.
My wife informed me that our friends were popping over this evening to do the present exchange. The wife of this couple is a life long friend of my wife. They are more like sisters than friends. The wife has met Cerys twice before. The husband hasn’t. They have always stated that they are fine with my “hobby” and have no issues what so ever.
Shortly before this couple were due to arrive, I asked my wife if Brian (not his real name) would be OK as he’s never met Cerys. Brian is a “mans man”. Drinks heavily, loves his sport, He’s on the local pub’s skittles and darts teams…. Brian and I have talked about my “hobby” many times in the past. I have explained that it keeps me sane, keeps my depression at bay, and generally gets me through life. He’s fine with it…..
My wife sent her friend a text to check that Brian would be OK.
The text came back “Brian has decided not to come. He don’t think he could cope with seeing “me” dressed as a woman”
This sent me flying! I’d only just got the courage to dress again. For the first time in a week, I wasn’t spending a lot of the day in a dark room, laying on my bed fighting my demons. I was up, I was functioning, I was happy. My wife was happy. We were happy!
Now, after a couple of hours back on the bed in a darkened room, I’m ready to pack it all away again! I’m back to hating being a crossdresser.
What upsets me the most is that Brian claimed to be perfectly happy with what I do. He understood it…. He didn’t care. Now I find that this isn’t true at all.
I can cope with the idea that some people won’t be keen or like it. I can cope that some will have prejudice. I can’t cope with someone saying for many years, this couple were the first people we told nearly 20 years ago, that he was perfectly OK with it, only to find that he isn’t.
I’m absolutely distraught! Just when I was beginning to feel good, Brian comes along and pulls the rug from under me.
I didn’t stay dressed. I went to get changed back into drab mode, and stayed in my darkened room until my wife’s friend came (alone) and left. It seems that every time I get dressed lately, something goes wrong to cause distress and hardship. If I could take the magic pill, I’d be halfway down the packet by now! I’m so fed up with feeling sad. I’m so fed up of the trouble this causes. I really want it to go away!Cerys
I can understand why you feel as if the rug was pulled out from under you. Maybe Brian was saying that to you earlier because he thought he was being kind to you. I know I have come out to my entire family but most don’t want to see it or talk about it. This makes my so sad and at least boarderline depressed.
For me I have been trying to figure out a way to have a quick discussion and/or have them really see meas Cassie. Here is part of what I have come up with so far.
. .1 I find I NEED to CD, it helps me to find myself — sometimes this kind of creeps me out too
. .2 I need have have someone, close family that I can share my feelings with
. .3 I need to show you my fem side and have at least a short discussion about it
. .4 I need you to think about what I have said and how this makes me feel
. .5 I need you to be 100% honest in what you think about this – if I get totally different messages today from what I got yesterday i might go into a deep depression.
. .6 If after doing this you tell me you never want to see or hear of any of this again – that’s OK, but I hope we can still be friends
. .7 I really need friends I can share my inner self with
. .8 I know you might go back and forth on this to – if I go to far to fast ,let me knowThis is part of what I have come up so far for me and I hope some of this can help you.
. . .Cassie
I’m cool with you doing something, doesn’t equate that I’m cool being involved with what you do.
Eg. I’m cool that you and your wife clean the house naked, or skinny dip in the pool. But that doesnt mean I’d be cool visiting or swimming with you.
I’m cool that you may masturbate. But, i don’t want to be around when you do.
I’m cool that you may do burn outs going around the corner. But I’m not cool lending you my car.
I’m cool that my parents have intimate relationship with each other. But I sure don’t want to be around it.
I’m cool that you collect stamps, or go train spotting. But, I’m not getting involved with your particular hobby.(both bore me to tears.)
I’m sorry you got thrown for a loop. Language and communication is a difficult task to manage at times… while we may use common words and terms, our understanding of what that means may be different to us both.
Mary Jane has it.
Cerys, there are also many wives out there who are ‘Okay’ with their partners dressing but want no part of it. It’s like the bloke spending hours in the loft with his trains. She knows all about it and will have no participation.It goes up in varying degrees from there, as you have experienced.
Your friend only knows the one side of you and maybe of the old school that finds it all uncomfortable. ‘Look mate, whatever makes you happy is fine with me’. That doesn’t mean they want to see or be part of it. Maybe you sensed a doubt as you asked your wife to check in.
I wouldn’t take it as a rebuttal more of a reappraisal from him. He knows his wife is fine and he probably needs time to come to terms with it. It could be that he really doesn’t want to see his buddy in womens clothes for many reasons.
I would respect his feelings, just as you would respect your wife.
I have found this when I have told friends of 40 odd years. The wives have been absolutely wonderful and most of the partners have been good. One wife said that her partner would never accept it. Her kids would be okay and I know why he wouldn’t. I respect that and I would not want to break that friendship. Another is a bit unsure and after not wanting to see me he has now done so. We are still friends.
At no point did I ever feel rejected or had a rug pulled. It’s something we have to get used to dealing with and, importantly respect their feelings. He has verbally accepted you and you are still friends. Take it easy on him and yourself Cerys.
Hi Cerys,
I am fortunate that my wife is very comfortable with my crossdressing. It’s something that we keep to ourselves. As someone who has crawled out of that dark well of depression, the most important thing that I had to learn is that I have to love myself first. My best friend nor family doesn’t have a clue and I don’t have any need to tell them or have any expectations of their understanding or acceptance. I have made some close friends here on CDH that I probably will never meet because of distance but we have meaningful conversations on life and not just CDing. There’s only one that I might could meet locally that is close by and another about two hours away. My most dependable CDH friend is actually in another country. Regardless, I still have a connection to people that understand and that I feel comfortable with. The higher the level of expectations of others will cause the greatest pain and disappointment. Love yourself and quit depending on others for your happiness. That has to come from within. I communicate with some through private emails once I get comfortable and exchange cartoons and pictures and we talk about life and family. I do hope that you get some help if you can’t overcome this situation by yourself. Best wishes… Stephanie
Oh Cerys, it is so tough when people say one thing then exhibit another. I guess “Brian” was ok with the idea of your crossdressing, but had the NIMBY outlook. You can do whatever you like, just not around me. My wife had those initial thoughts towards me (as do a lot of girls on this forum). I to have gone to bed much too early for me and cried myself to sleep alone in the bedroom, wanting God to cure me or kill me (I know that sounds so morbid, but that’s where I was a few years ago).
We can’t control others, we can only control our actions and reactions. You are a kind and compassionate person and there is nothing wrong with you, so please try not to go there! He may have his own secret demons and Cerys might bring all that up for him to deal with. I guess my point is we all have things we struggle with, and if someone says they don’t, they struggle with facing the truth about themselves (giggle).
Your wife obviously adores you and wants you to be happy. I don’t know if “Brian” has seen Cerys (I love that name BTW!) in photos or a video, but that might be a way to introduce you to him in a “nonthreatening” way; maybe a video chat. If your wife’s friend hasn’t met Cerys yet, that may be a place to start so she can relay to her hubby that you aren’t a weirdo and she had a lovely visit.
I know with my wife I do or say things that trigger a negative reaction, too. So don’t despair – keep your head held high and understand you have a gift that a “manly man” may never appreciate. Know that your wife loves and supports you and the CDH ladies are here for you!
Happy Christmas and lots of hugs and kisses!
Brielle
Hi Cerys,
It is impossible to control and sometimes even predict the actions of others. It is only possible to control your reactions.
With that in my mind, may I suggest that you have a “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” moment.
It sounds as if you had a really nice day with your wife, a time of acceptance and of love. That’s a good thing, don’t allow someone’s negative attitude spoil that.
“ If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that’s the thing”Hugs, Jillian
[postquote quote=593035]
People will give you “nice lies,” and you have to accept that they’re just nice lies. And realize they’re doing it because they want to remain friends. If Brian said he was OK with you dressing up, now you understand he meant that he was OK with you doing it without him.
I do the same thing with family members who hunt. I’m not a hunter. I can’t stand the thought of killing another animal. But, members of my family hunt, and enjoy it. So when the subject comes up, I tell a nice lie about it. As in “Nice buck,” when I see a picture of one they shot. Inside, I just cringe.
My ex wife used to give me those nice lies when I first started dressing. In fact she seemed she was in full support. Bought me clothes, gave me her old clothes, helped me with my make up. She’s a kind hearted woman, who felt it was her duty as a wife to support me. And she did until she couldn’t stomach it anymore.
And I was a moron for not recognizing that. I was selfish in my own personal wants and needs. And to pretend I cared about her feelings, I’d tell her that if she didn’t want to see me dressed, to call me when she was on her way home from work. Every day for 2 weeks, she’d text me and let me know. I should’ve seen right then, that it was time to pack up my gurl stuff.
A wise man once told me “It’s better to be happy, than right.”
CDing was one of the reasons I went on anxiety meds. All those battles inside my head about what I wanted and how I thought everyone else should be.
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