First therapy session…

[cdheaven]

Posting this in Life Goes On as that was the whole point of me doing this.

Sat with a therapist and talked about a lot of the issues I had prior to joining CDH. Talked about the circle of friends I was a part of, why I invested so much effort and time into it for the sake of being accepted as Andi with an I. Realized that I was buying my friendship with gifts, and that our circle was dominated by a manipulating A-type personality who saw me as someone they could take advantage of. The way our friendship ended and the red flags throughout its duration indicated there never was a friendship at all.

Talked about how my desire to be gender-fluid strained my fiance. I sacrificed parts of my relationship to enjoy being one of the girls, even though it never really felt like I was accepted the same way. And my fiance was never a part of my journey because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I was so desperate to believe I finally had what I’ve always wanted that I ignored every red flag, every warning. I watched half a dozen friendships with her crash and burn and always wondered when it would be my turn. Learned not to get attached to the new friend because next week we wouldn’t speak to them again.

I just never thought it’d happen to me. And it did not end well.

Real friends, they tell you when you’ve done something wrong. In time, they forgive you. And they don’t replace you the week after. I have to learn this was never a friendship, despite all my beliefs that it was. The worst part is I still see all this good in her, even if all her admirable statements sounded rehearsed. But there’s so much poison that I’m willing to drown in just to reconcile it. I mean, this was the first friendship I made where I braved the unknown and went out as Andi. I… it just felt like I owed her so much despite everything. I wanted to be one of the girls again. But I was being used. I can’t believe it, but everyone I talk to and knows her has the same opinion.

We’re following up on this in a few weeks. My homework is to follow up with my primary provider as they recommend medications in hand with therapy. In this case, the physical pain is getting in the way of my work and I’m using my vacation days just to be absent.

I’m optimistic.

[Ilona]

Thanks Andi.

I have recently had sessions with a new therapist. She spent much of the session asking when I started various relationships. When I mentioned that I cross-dress, she spent most of the rest of the session talking about this. As a previous therapist let me wear dresses in sessions, I asked the new therapist if I could do this in my next session. She said that I could wear clothes I felt comfortable in.

I wore a dress under my coat and trousers to attend my second session, but the therapist said that there wasn’t enough time for me to get changed. She thought I would have openly worn a dress in the reception, despite there being quite a few clients there. The therapist seemed a bit surprised that it wasn’t enough for me to just reveal the top half of my dress. I would have preferred to have spent a little time removing my trousers in private, rather than discussing how I felt the therapist would feel about seeing me wearing a dress. She said I could get changed a few minutes before the session was due to end, but this seemed a bit pointless and I wondered whether I had an ulterior motive in wanting to wear a dress in front of a female therapist, when I didn’t make a similar request with the male therapist I had a few weeks ago.

My new therapist said I can cross-dress for my next session. I want to this, but my experience this week has made me feel confused about my relationship with the therapist and whether it is helping my therapy.

[cdheaven]

If I could give you advice, don’t change when you’re there. Just go as you really want to be. I wasn’t there so I can’t tell if the therapist had an agenda or not, but mine charges for 45 minute sessions. Her job is to help me break down as many problems as I can in that time period, and if I have to stop and change then that’s less time for why I’m really there. I would have loved dressing up and seeing her, not that it would have made her accept me any more or less.

 

Remember, if you’re seeing a therapist, you’re doing it for a very important reason. Don’t worry about how the therapist or other clients feel about seeing you, CD or otherwise. The only reason you’re there in the first place is because you’ve got something going on in life that’s getting in the way of your happiness.

[Ilona]

Thanks Andi

My sessions are paid for by my local mental health authority and it doesn’t take long to get changed. At the moment, I am very self conscious and I realise that not everyone accepts cross-dressers. I suppose it would be easier if I could drive, but I use a bus and walk to reach the therapy centre.

This is the first time I’ve seen a therapist who has spent a lot of time talking about my cross-dressing. I have had several therapy sessions where I haven’t mentioned cross-dressing at all and where most of the sessions have concerned my childhood. My session on Monday is the last part of my assessment to determine what kind of long term assessment I need.

Thanks again for your help. I would like to have the confidence to go out en-femme and not bother about other people. Perhaps the next therapist will help me.

Take care

Ilona

[Author]

Posts