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During the process of coming out, letting the better half of me free I found that a curious, repetitive question would come up; that being “am I gay”. I found that curious as one would think the matter that I would now be dressing and presenting as a Female would be a more consideration than who I might sleep with. Just saying
Society is like that, focusing on labeling with little consideration or understanding of the nuances of gender. To most what life gave them between the legs decided everything about their gender case close. We are proof that theory has faults and lacks lol. As a pondered my way though this, a question arise. I hope you may able to help my define this… What is straight sex for a transwoman? So many want to know lol. If you have a clue or opinion I would love to hear
This is one of those subjects I don’t need to think about. Transwomen are women. If they’re straight, they’re having sex with men.
Personally I want more options…..
/EA
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I have been asked this question, albeit rarely, when I have come out to people. It seems to be a natural question as I am not alone in having this happen. In itself that is not really about gender but an assumption as if you want to be a woman you are attracted to men and in a strange way is quite a complimentary inquiry as it would be usual for a woman to be attracted to a man. They seem more confused when, in my case, that I am still attracted to women which means the question should be answered yes I am gay because as a woman as I am sexually attracted to women. That would confuse the heck out of the questioner!
Hi April
In my opinion the gender we identify as and the gender we are attracted to are two separate issues.
Whether I am 100% male as I was, on the trans spectrum as I am, or choose to live 100% as Bianca, surgery and all, I know I am attracted to women.
I don’t get my knickers in a twist about labels, am I heterosexual or would I be a lesbian if I transitioned, don’t really care.
Yes as some explore being feminine it may be a draw to experience getting intimate with a man. Just as we are exploring our gender some may also wish to explore their sexuality, hey YOLO, live and let live.B x
Good morning ladies
I guess this is a little bit of kiss and tell.
For me the first time I put on a bra the seed has been planted. Maybe they should have put warning labels on the bras for all men who puts us on your life will never be the same. Your true identity will come out
Now that I’ve been doing it for years I feel that I am truly a woman inside and I should have a woman so the question is if I’m completely Sarah and I find the man I’m attracted to and he sees me as a woman.
And we end up taking it into the bedroom is that gay sex no it isn’t.Sarah
I identify as a woman and have since 1995. I also am a straight woman since I only have sexual relationships with men.
Labels mean nothing, I am who I am.
Brava Sara. Great response.
I feel like most people struggle with the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. The question of whether I’m gay or not is probably the most common question I’ve gotten as I’ve come out as non-binary, even though I’m very happily married to a woman, who is usually right at my elbow when the question is asked. It makes no sense. My sexual orientation doesn’t toggle this way and that depending on my gender expression; I’m sexually attracted to women, period. The worst are the men who assume that because I’m presenting as a woman I must be available to men i.e. them. “If you’re not wanting sex with a man, why are you dressed as a woman?” Ask a GG that same question and see how far you get! The question itself doesn’t bother me, but the assumptions do get on my nerves.
As an aside: I work with a transwoman who has lived as a woman for over 20 years, and has been married to a woman for almost as long. They consider themselves a lesbian couple. I don’t feel that adding a trans- modifier to the front of their sexual orientation does anything but further divide them from the rest of society. They’re women. Lesbian women.
I am still getting used to the identity stuff! The longer I travel on my journey the greater I endorse my femininity! Outside of work uniform I dress more as a female daily. I can’t totally try and pass physically yet because my job requires athletic ability but I am looking forward to retirement! My wife and I discussed will my sexuality change with my dressing and starting the hormone route? My explanation was to my wife/BFF and a special lady! I am on the goal to be able identify as a female. I have no desire to change the object of my intimacy and that’s you. We have even had fun and changed the name of my male thing, so if your ok having fun with another woman and since the world likes to put names on everything are we both ok being lesbians! We are happily married!
The vast majority of people are ignorant when it comes to gender identity, and are happy to remain so. While it is getting better most people want to live in their (wrong) world view that there are two sexes and never the twain shall meet. They are little better about sexual orientation, but at least the past 30-40 years of gay/lesbian awareness has made the at least aware of it, if still resistant to accepting it.
Crossdressing is confused with both of these, and few people bother to even attempt to understand it.
Hi April, well I wish I could help you with your question on the definition of ‘straight sex’, but I suspect there are as many definitions as they might be people (or at least those who consider themselves straight, whether they or aren’t, is a different question).
Personally, I think the concept of the word ‘straight’ all by itself is questionable at best and possibly pejorative at worst. Or should I say that it implies that those who aren’t ‘straight’ are most likely suffering from some affliction be it physical or mental. I don’t personally think it’s an affliction, unless one lets it become that.
Here’s my story. I appear daily as pretty much a ‘straight’ male and have done so for almost all of my life (don’t smoke, or drink much or spit or chew), and I’m accepted by a number of male friends and partake in rather male oriented rituals…to an extent. And from what I’ve seen or noticed around me, there appear to women I’ve met over time that if the situation ever arose (suddenly I’m single) they might be interested in me. I’m married going on way over 40 years, but was married for 6 before that. I have children – that I fathered – by both spouses. I’m pretty much totally monogamous having only had relations with just both, while engaged or married.
Yet, I have felt since I was probably 4 or 5 that I’m a female trapped in a male body. And if I were to ever have had SRS at any time in the past, I most likely, from the way I have always felt, have looked for or at least seriously considered having a male partner, if one would have me. That is to say, I have never been interested in same sex relationships, ever. Just doesn’t appeal to me. And I can only speak for me.
Now, if my proclivities were somehow made public, I have no doubt that a number of people possibly including some who might today consider me a friend, would now consider me to be whatever the opposite of straight is. But, think about it, by solely using the accepted definition, it would appear I would have to be straight.
So, there you go. Lots of people who are hung up on the word ‘straight’ would not consider me at all to be that. Again, it comes down to what is the definition, and how defining is it when you consider different groups of people.
As has been stated here, like most everyone else, I am what I am, just me. Not a definition but a real human with cares, concerns, desires, dedication, commitment, all that.
I do hope, though, that you and anyone else here, can find what you’re looking for and hopefully come to a peace with yourself. Or if it’s not what you want, search out what will help you get there.
Hugs, ChloëC
The development/expansion of the English/American language over the past few decades has enabled better conversations around the subjects of gender identity and sexual orientation. Some people will never want to understand and I mentally refer to this as ‘The Matrix Complex’ where, even though the situation is wrong/not real, they will defend it, as their minds are not able to grasp something outside of their own version of ‘The Matrix’.
I thought the language of gender and sexuality would be extremely useful in conversation with other people, but I think I have found it more useful to understand myself. It helps, especially in the online world, to recognise people who are similar to yourself. In the real world most people I meet are not interested in the diversity and aside from the most common ‘So are you gay?’ question I don’t tend to need to define myself to people but if I do I am, AMAB, Bi-gender and Femmesexual and if the person asking the question isn’t versed in the language it really doesn’t help too much.
Now having typed all this I realise I have completely wandered off the question and find I should have simply quoted Emily “Transwomen are women”
Eve xx
For the main question, straight sex would be going to bed with someone of the opposite gender. If you are a MTF trans woman, meaning you are a woman, it would be going to bed with a guy. As for people asking if we’re gay just because we are CD, that depends on view imo. For me, if I’m dressed as a woman, I’m lesbian since I’m only with women. In drab, I’m straight. For some, they’re considered straight as, when in drab (if ever), they’re with ladies, but when en femme, they’re with guys
Hi April. I have pondered on this question myself and it depends how you look at it from your point of view or most of societies point of view.
Logically, if your a Trans woman, you are defined as a Woman so Straight sex would be with a Man, obviously vice versa if you are a Trans Man.
However some of society tells us incorrectly without much knowledge about Trans issues that a Trans Woman is in fact a Man and having sex with another Man makes you Gay. Again incorrectly this applies in their eyes to A Trans Man having sex with a Woman, this makes her Lesbian. Of course this is total poppycock.
There are so many aspects to this question it can be mind boggling especially if you consider many xdressers actually go onto becoming Trans themselves. I think its a question of Defining who you really are, for instance, if you cross dress very rarely and just do it for the enjoyment of wearing clothes and the occasional makeup but are happy to live most of your time as a Man, then yes, you could be classed as Gay.
I might be totally wrong with this assumption but i believe there is a very fine line between what is classed as ‘Gay’ and what is classed as straight.
Fiona xx
You know that the implication of the question assumes that a cross dressing male might be gay. They aren’t asking you if you’re a woman interested in women.
My male and female selves have never been interested in genetic men at all. My interests have always been focused on women…and crossdressers.
I enjoy feeling feminine and live my life the majority of the time now as a woman. If I were to partner with a GG woman it can be considered a lesbian relationship. If I were to partner with another feminine crossdresser that would also have to be considered a lesbian relationship as well. Correct?
Fiona
Many yrs ago I tackled this question for Myself (when very few talked about it) I was “AFRAID” of the Gay label–the conclusion I came to (from exp) was that sex was sex-like getting a BJ from a man felt just as good as from a Female-My wife enjoyed Anal sex almost as much as “”Normal intercourse “”& for me-it was like a tight Vagina– Personally-I think that a lot of folks insistence that they are only straight or gay social pressure–we have sexual Preferences but sex is sex–
Fiona, Careful in mixing gender with sexual preference. Gender is male, female, other. Sexual preference is straight, bi, gay, fetishist, lesbian, etc. there is no correlation between them. Crossdressers are either male or female by definition, they dress in clothing generally associated with the opposite gender at birth. I doubt very many crossdressers would classify themselves as lesbians other than in role play, but hey….
Jill you bring up another interesting subject. I have unfortunately had little personal experiences with trans men, something I regret. If and when I do I hope I could get to ask them did they ever go though a crossdressing stage, did they ever underdress to hide the fact they where wanting to express themselves as male. Most if not all trans women went though such a stage. If there is a trans man here or if anyone her has knowledge of such please educate me. 🙏
I’ve been totally in the closet until recently for 60 or so years.
A huge portion of that sequestration was due to fearing characterization as gay.
In that place (small town Georgia) and time I thought and still think, my life would have been destroyed.The world’s a much freer place now and loving the femme has been much normalized.
I know there are still those who conflate gender expression and sexuality.
But I’m not longer totally afraid it could happen to me.Hi Venus, I would tend to agree with the Deep South thoughts. Unfortunately, that line of prejudism was not exclusive to the south. It was, and continues to be everywhere. Just look at Florida today and the mess the Governor has created for the LGBT communities. I was never afraid or confused on whether I was or would become gay but had I come out back then, I certainly would not have been able to succeed financially and would have had to live in fear daily wondering if and when I would end up dead. Unfortunately today, the far right in the US today are on a mission to drive anyone who does not identify as male or female back into the prehistoric days. It appears on the surface initially, we are making great advancements in acceptance but the reality is society began to tolerate change, not accept, as in Roe vs Wade, which now is fucked up. When someone stirs the pot long enough, others join in and all hell starts to break loose. Hang on because the far right do not seem to be in any hurry to accept advancements in equality and acceptance.
Define straight sex. Now, get society to agree in the definition. Definitions in our world are so grey, even we don’t agree on what a word means. Let’s try one, Crossdresser. Define it. Are you sure? Why not use the word Transgender and forget about the word Crossdresser. If we as a social entity could agree one hundred percent we are all TG, maybe we could teach the balance of society who we are. Acceptance would come quicker along with understanding. You may not have noticed yet but society has no idea what so ever how to subconsciously identify anyone gender variant. So it is easier to just toss us all into the Gay department. Let’s see now, we have Crossdresser, tranny, transsexual, gender neutral, gender variant, gender fluid, non binary, shall I continue? And we expect society to figure it all out when even we can’t ? Now, let’s toss in, just to keep this all uncomplicated, sexual preference. That’s right. Don’t forget society thinks we are all gay, because well, we haven’t even taught them yet that gender and sexual preferences do not travel together. Yep, they can, sometimes, but have no direct relationship. Worse yet, some in the gay communities believe we are gay and just deny it. Perfect, now we have members of the LGBT community who can’t even agree who we are, in fact, argue we do not know what our sexual preferences are. Well, I for one know my preference and if someone can come along and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt otherwise, I,ll stick with my belief, thank you.
Whew, who stuck a thorne up my ass? Lol. Ok, to answer your question, without completing my book, I am gender fluid. When in a male gender, I am heterosexual, person. Nope, not an inkling to be with another man. When in female gender, I am lesbian, not a twitch of a thought to be with a man, period. Hope this clears things up for everyone who took the time to read this.Oh, btw, after retiring and moving to our retirement home, I had to get a new doctor. During our initial interview, I mentioned I am Transgender. His instant reply was, “ well, we better do some bloodwork.” “ Doc, I just told you I am transgender, not gay. Why would you confuse the two and assume they are related? Better set up another appointment. I’ve got a lot of education to share with you.” Until we educate ourselves and accept who we are, how can anyone expect the rest of the world to follow?
hugs, jillleanne
This is an interesting topic.
When I first came out to my wife one of her first questions was if I was gay or bi. My response was I wasn’t gay but nit sure about bi. I have been with men in the past but mostly with women. It is only in the past couple years that Suzanne has emerged, prior to that she was kept hidden very deeply. Over the last couple years I have been accepting that I have a feminine side and am working on allowing myself to express it. That doesn’t mean only in the way I dress, which is in private at the moment and not nearly as frequently as I would like, but also in the way I think and act. As to sexual orientation I always considered myself straight but would occasionally stray to “the other side”, so based on that I would have to say I was bi. Recently though I have come to realize that I am pansexual, meaning that I am open to all aspects of activity.
It is interesting that as a society we have to have labels for everything. What difference does it make if your male, female, trans, etc or if your straight, gay, bi, pan, or celibate – the most important thing is who you are as a person.
XOXO
Suzanne
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