This topic contains 14 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Trebora Roloc 1 week ago.

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  • #191524

    stephanie plumb
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    Registered On: November 17, 2018
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    I wrote part 1 because my female brain is buzzing with questions. Who am I?  Why am I like this?  I am still seeking answers. My female self identity is still evolving.  A week ago I believed gender identity to be spiritual – now I think differently. We may have a soul, and if so, it accepts whatever gender we are and doesn’t itself confer gender on us.

    What follows is my personal opinion. Part 1 was quotes from research and theories about gender identity, with a smattering of comments from me, to try to explain why we are like we are. But this does not apply to everyone – there are wide variations in the gender spectrum.

    These days the gender revolution means we can simply state”I am female, so that means I can the Ladies Room.” One can declare themselves to be a frog if they wish, but words alone don’t make it so.

    So I am limiting the scope to talk about those of us who are transgenders or transwomen, including crossdressers who declare they have a female side.  Though I do suspect that those who say they are 100% male and only crossdress for pleasure might be in denial. Most of us were born in the second half of the last century at a time when sex was only talked about behind closed doors and gender identity didn’t exist.

    The fact remains that we are AMAB – assigned male at birth – because we have a willy – and our gender identity was chosen for us. It was that simple.  But what else could they do? To all appearances we were boys so it was assumed that we would have a male gender in line with our assigned sex.  The concept of transgender did not arise until the 1980’s.

    So we were raised as boys from day one. We had no choice in this. This was followed by decades of male stereotyping and learned behaviour, parental and social pressure, and education. So we believed we were boys. but deep inside we were not entirely comfortable with this, we were developing female traits at odds with our learned gender identity. The resulting conflict has caused many of us a lot of mental anguish over the years as we grapple with the misalignment between our physical sex and our true gender identity. For decades many have believed there was something wrong with them.

    Social pressure, ignorance and prejudice  have added to this anguish by labelling us as abnormal, deviants,or  perverts. Before the “gender revolution” feminine traits made us cissies, “big girls blouses”, camp, or even “shirt lifters”.  A girl born into a male body was something not understood and not allowed back then.

    But now in the 21st century the truth is now beginning to emerge – that we are normal, that we are not mentally ill  – but probably too late for many of us to make a difference.

    All through our childhood our brains were being rewired more towards our female side, possibly on a sliding scale, and this may account for differences along the gender spectrum.

    The exciting thing is that it is now thought that gender identity is learned behaviour  – which implies it can be changed. How much maleness can be unlearned is unclear, but it seems that gender realignment is possible, by choice for many of us, and for some who are unaware it is happening.

    I repeat:  Your male identity is learned behaviour from the moment of your birth when you were assigned AMAB.  Something I missed in Part 1 is worth noting here. We all began life as embryo’s that could be either sex, which is why men have nipples that serve no practical purpose, and women have a vestigial penis.  (Tempting ,but no comment).  Then our genetic code kicked in and we were steered towards the male sex. Some research cites that fluctuating levels of Testosterone and Oestrogen in the pregnant female results in the BSTc being developed more like a females than a males.

    Transsexuals have a gender identity that is female. They don’t consider themselves as crossdressers. They are female and always were meant to be, and so wear clothes appropriate to their gender.  So if you identify yourself as female you are not really a crossdresser are you? Except in the strictest definition of the word. You are simply wearing the clothes appropriate to your gender.

    And now for something completely different, and in a lighter vein (or is it?) – lets talk about CDH.

    Should it come with a “gender health warning?” I joined in November 2018 and it has turned my life upside down. I thought I was a simple crossdresser.  I had periodic bouts of shame and guilt. I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

    Now I have been liberated and it all makes sense. I now know the neurobiological basis for my true gender identity and 100% believe that gender identity is nature rather than nurture. It is learned behaviour.  (This has got me thinking again… oh no! … I might have do do a part 3 concerning the nature of gender… sorry.)  And so I willingl entered the “pink fog.”

    So, beware!  The “pink fog” may actually be gender reassignment in action!  The more you participate in CDH, the more you learn about transgender issues, the more you practice dressing, and swap stories and ideas, perhaps the more you are learning about your true gender identity, and the more you “think” female.  You may unwittingly be subjecting yourself to a “positive female gender reassignment program.”   So if you think you are a vanilla crossdresser who just dresses for enjoyment, watch out! You may be subconsciously re-educating yourself in line with the structure of your BSTc!

    But if you wish to embrace your female within then congratulations – you are on the path to self-knowledge about your true gender identity.

    Jennifer Swanson’s post “Where are you in the gender spectrum” was very revealing. Perhaps we should revisit it after these posts and see if it has made a difference to our perceived point along the scale. It is interesting how some girls say they are female by choice, as if it is simply a lifestyle thing.

    This post is not all about me. Really it isn’t!   But it is difficult to generalise in the 3rd person, so I will write about how it applies to me. Many of you (or both of you, depending on wether it is read) might recognise your own journey to be similar to mine.

    From a very early age my female self was not allowed to develop, and was constantly overridden by my upbringing. I was too young to be able to analyse the complexities of what I was feeling. Early life was heavily stacked against me feminine nature being allowed to thrive, so it remained semi-dormant. I periodically like to dress in female clothes without knowing why , it’s implications, and the delayed journey I had started on. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, and kept it a hidden part of me. This brought stress, shame, and guilt.

    Falling Testosterone levels and a gradual increase in identity self-awareness “allowed” my feminine nature to begin to assert itself. And joining CDH lifted it into the Stratosphere!  I find myself now a female, unlucky to have been born into a male body,  and groomed by decades of male stereotyping, learned male characteristics and masculine behaviour.  I know in my heart of hearts that I am a transgender woman – the “pink fog” has liberated me from my early conditioning.

    The positive side of this is that I have a kind of dual nature. I am only ME but I know how to behave as either a male or a female. What a gift!  I can act 100% male – I have had a LOT of practice over the decades. But this is changing, rapidly, and I am learning to be female.  In fact I feel less male with every passing week (the “pink fog” effect?).   It is a fascinating existence and I am loving every minute of it. My gender identity has matured – and I have become the woman inside of me.

    Sermon over.

    What do you think of my “pink fog” theory?

    Stephanie P.

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  • #195720
     Trebora Roloc 
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    A lot to digest & assimilate. Well thought out as reflected in accompanying comments. One day, a few years ago, while standing at my bathroom sink (large flat mirror to my front, medicine chest mirror to my right side), I opened the side mirror and a very interesting image took place. As the mirrors must have reflected, I saw many repeat images of myself. I had this epiphany –  one of them was that girl, that woman, in me. Her force has brought me comfort and been at the core of my sensitivity. I’m not a woman who has worn pink hot pants (but I am a bit tempted) but one who embraces that “she”. I dress the part because it has become a visual expression of her. Okay, a little naughty at times ( not often enough?) but always a reflection of my current mood.

    Yes, very well written – thank you!

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  • #195694
     stephanie plumb 
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    Resurrected for Rachel Raven – and for anyone else who might be interested or missed it. Read part 1 first.

  • #192157
     Laura Lovett 
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    I agree with much that you say, but it’s not a pink fog to me – quite the reverse. It’s like the blue fog is lifting.

    I am so happy with that, it really doesn’t matter where the journey takes me, although I’m not a great traveller, I Want to hurry up and get there!

    So far, no transgender leanings, just a different and more dynamic side of me.

    Love Laura

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  • #191682
     Anonymous
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    Oh Stephanie, not only do i believe in the pink fog theory I became the pink for queen sprinkling fairy dust over the girls at our support group. And not one refused it, totally embracing their femininty. It is who we are, we are excited to know the turht and even more excited to being living the truth. So here Stephanie, pooooooof whooosh a bit of fairy dust for you and it is pink and goes with your beautiful dress.

     

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  • #191658
     Camryn Occasionnel 
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    Registered On: December 10, 2018
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    Stephanie, this is enlightened analysis!

    However, in my case, I am still not convinced that I’m something other than what I was prior to reading Part 1 or Part 2.

    I have always been physically AMAB, and so I have to grudgingly admit that I am 100% male (although far from “macho”) and that I crossdress because it gives me great joy, not because I am a transwoman in denial, or because I have an inner woman struggling to get out. I still believe I am but a simple crossdresser, and flagging testosterone levels have not made that any different.

    Now, as to CDH, I joined a month after you did, and have NOT had my life turned upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a CDH member! Here, I feel part of a wonderful fellowship of CDs, TGs, TSs spread across the LGBTQ/gender spectrum. However, at CDH I read accounts of CDs getting together with other CDs, and that has me thinking that maybe some day, if I can morph into a more presentable CD, I can join their social circle. CDH has changed me in that way.

    And about this “pink fog”/”pink mist” thing: I must admit, I have only the slightest understanding of this state of being, even though it is discussed often in the Forum topics. Either I am immune to its effects, or it is operating on me and I am completely unaware of it.

    These are my humble thoughts on Part 2 of your gender identity dissertation.

    And so I remain…..
    Camryn Occasionnel,
    Simple, plain vanilla crossdresser.

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  • #191626
     Toni Kohls 
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    It’s so interesting. There are times when I wish I was born a woman and it thrills me when I dress. When I look down and see my forms under my shirt I think I should have breasts. And I think I look like a woman even with no makeup on. Sometimes though I’m just fine being a man and I think I look like a man. I think I have a lot of physical features that go either way like I’m both genders at once or that I’m a third gender that can pass as either.

    I’ve kinda given up asking why, at least for now and I’m enjoying being able to explore this other side that I’ve denied myself and thought was a mental health issue. The reason that I thought I was sick is because I’m straight. I’m not attracted to men. If I was attracted to men I think it would be more natural to be feminine and enjoy dressing as a female. But I would love to have a gf and occasionally dress with her. Or at the very least a gg-gal pal.

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  • #191591
     Jasmine Jeffries 
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    OMG I totally agree with you I can only speak for myself I believe we were born this way I couldn’t stop dressing and acting like a girl whenever I was alone when I was a child always had dreams about living as a woman I can remember one day I was working as a electrian I saw a woman walking to the bank were she worked she had a beautiful dress her hair and makeup was flawless she was wearing nylons and heels I just wanted to be her so bad it hurt I wanted to dress like that too back to the Pink fog as I have gotten older and loss of testosterone and meeting all you beautiful ladies that have traveled the same road as myself I want more and more to be Jasmine Jeffries a good and productive woman in society thanks again Stephanie

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    • #191595
       Tiff Any 
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      Hi Jasmine , I too ” want to be her ” , understand how you feel in that situation – fortunately my understands that about me

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    • #191594
       Tiff Any 
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      So wonderfully put Stephanie , I can relate to soooo much 😘

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  • #191589
     Melissa 
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    Stephanie,

    After a quick read I agree with many of your statements.  I need to read part 1 and reread part 2 in more detail.  Than you for the insight.  I too have been letting my female side out more and am loving it.  I have suppressed my emotions all of my life and hated it.  I am not sure they are separate from my male side just a very great and valuable addition to make a whole me, whatever that is.

    Melissa

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  • #191562
     Tiffany Alexis 
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    Registered On: March 28, 2019
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    Stephanie, this is spot on. And extremely well written and researched. I’m impressed. Consider submitting this for an article. Pretty sure it’d get published.

    Ive noticed the same effects. When I started, I also would have said I was around 50/50 but nowtimes im somewhere north of 80/20. And that’s in 3 months. Following the law of trends….it’s not surprising to me that I’ve been en femme every moment I’m not at work, the store, or with kids the last 2-3 weeks. The pink fog theory is interesting as well, it explains why it’s just so….wonderful feeling, it’s a positive feedback loop. Yea, I don’t even kind of think I’m a simple cd these days. But I started out as one, at least I thought….

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  • #191538
     Anonymous
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    I am in total agreement with your theory, Stephanie! As I mentioned on another post, I DO NOT consider myself to be a crossdresser. I am a transgender woman, and I wear the clothes appropriate for a woman. Like you, CDH has played a “confirming” role in my true identity, and – like you – I’m excited and grateful to feel my learned masculinity slipping away by the week (even by the day).

    Thank you for taking the time to put your theories and thoughts into words…I believe you will be a help and inspiration for a number of girls here on CDH!

    BIG hugs!

    Shawna

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    • #191546
       stephanie plumb 
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      It’s great to know i’m not alone! There is at least one other that thinks like me. Yay!  And yes I went to all the trouble … and it did take some time… in the hope it will enlighten and benefit other girls, especially some of the newer ones who come across as a little lost and confused.   Hopefully it may save them years of uncertainty about themselves.   I was going to say “less male with every passing day” rather than week , but I thought I would be a little more conservative. But you are right.  I wonder how may girls  realise the true nature of the “pink fog?”

       

      Stephanie P.

      • #191596
         Tiff Any 
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        Hi Stephanie , whether it comes or not I’ll wait for part 3 , whether people agree or disagree I doubt anyone could not enjoy your written word – truly beautifully expressed

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