I wrote part 1 because my female brain is buzzing with questions. Who am I? Why am I like this? I am still seeking answers. My female self identity is still evolving. A week ago I believed gender identity to be spiritual – now I think differently. We may have a soul, and if so, it accepts whatever gender we are and doesn’t itself confer gender on us.
What follows is my personal opinion. Part 1 was quotes from research and theories about gender identity, with a smattering of comments from me, to try to explain why we are like we are. But this does not apply to everyone – there are wide variations in the gender spectrum.
These days the gender revolution means we can simply state”I am female, so that means I can the Ladies Room.” One can declare themselves to be a frog if they wish, but words alone don’t make it so.
So I am limiting the scope to talk about those of us who are transgenders or transwomen, including crossdressers who declare they have a female side. Though I do suspect that those who say they are 100% male and only crossdress for pleasure might be in denial. Most of us were born in the second half of the last century at a time when sex was only talked about behind closed doors and gender identity didn’t exist.
The fact remains that we are AMAB – assigned male at birth – because we have a willy – and our gender identity was chosen for us. It was that simple. But what else could they do? To all appearances we were boys so it was assumed that we would have a male gender in line with our assigned sex. The concept of transgender did not arise until the 1980’s.
So we were raised as boys from day one. We had no choice in this. This was followed by decades of male stereotyping and learned behaviour, parental and social pressure, and education. So we believed we were boys. but deep inside we were not entirely comfortable with this, we were developing female traits at odds with our learned gender identity. The resulting conflict has caused many of us a lot of mental anguish over the years as we grapple with the misalignment between our physical sex and our true gender identity. For decades many have believed there was something wrong with them.
Social pressure, ignorance and prejudice have added to this anguish by labelling us as abnormal, deviants,or perverts. Before the “gender revolution” feminine traits made us cissies, “big girls blouses”, camp, or even “shirt lifters”. A girl born into a male body was something not understood and not allowed back then.
But now in the 21st century the truth is now beginning to emerge – that we are normal, that we are not mentally ill – but probably too late for many of us to make a difference.
All through our childhood our brains were being rewired more towards our female side, possibly on a sliding scale, and this may account for differences along the gender spectrum.
The exciting thing is that it is now thought that gender identity is learned behaviour – which implies it can be changed. How much maleness can be unlearned is unclear, but it seems that gender realignment is possible, by choice for many of us, and for some who are unaware it is happening.
I repeat: Your male identity is learned behaviour from the moment of your birth when you were assigned AMAB. Something I missed in Part 1 is worth noting here. We all began life as embryo’s that could be either sex, which is why men have nipples that serve no practical purpose, and women have a vestigial penis. (Tempting ,but no comment). Then our genetic code kicked in and we were steered towards the male sex. Some research cites that fluctuating levels of Testosterone and Oestrogen in the pregnant female results in the BSTc being developed more like a females than a males.
Transsexuals have a gender identity that is female. They don’t consider themselves as crossdressers. They are female and always were meant to be, and so wear clothes appropriate to their gender. So if you identify yourself as female you are not really a crossdresser are you? Except in the strictest definition of the word. You are simply wearing the clothes appropriate to your gender.
And now for something completely different, and in a lighter vein (or is it?) – lets talk about CDH.
Should it come with a “gender health warning?” I joined in November 2018 and it has turned my life upside down. I thought I was a simple crossdresser. I had periodic bouts of shame and guilt. I wondered if there was something wrong with me.
Now I have been liberated and it all makes sense. I now know the neurobiological basis for my true gender identity and 100% believe that gender identity is nature rather than nurture. It is learned behaviour. (This has got me thinking again… oh no! … I might have do do a part 3 concerning the nature of gender… sorry.) And so I willingl entered the “pink fog.”
So, beware! The “pink fog” may actually be gender reassignment in action! The more you participate in CDH, the more you learn about transgender issues, the more you practice dressing, and swap stories and ideas, perhaps the more you are learning about your true gender identity, and the more you “think” female. You may unwittingly be subjecting yourself to a “positive female gender reassignment program.” So if you think you are a vanilla crossdresser who just dresses for enjoyment, watch out! You may be subconsciously re-educating yourself in line with the structure of your BSTc!
But if you wish to embrace your female within then congratulations – you are on the path to self-knowledge about your true gender identity.
Jennifer Swanson’s post “Where are you in the gender spectrum” was very revealing. Perhaps we should revisit it after these posts and see if it has made a difference to our perceived point along the scale. It is interesting how some girls say they are female by choice, as if it is simply a lifestyle thing.
This post is not all about me. Really it isn’t! But it is difficult to generalise in the 3rd person, so I will write about how it applies to me. Many of you (or both of you, depending on wether it is read) might recognise your own journey to be similar to mine.
From a very early age my female self was not allowed to develop, and was constantly overridden by my upbringing. I was too young to be able to analyse the complexities of what I was feeling. Early life was heavily stacked against me feminine nature being allowed to thrive, so it remained semi-dormant. I periodically like to dress in female clothes without knowing why , it’s implications, and the delayed journey I had started on. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, and kept it a hidden part of me. This brought stress, shame, and guilt.
Falling Testosterone levels and a gradual increase in identity self-awareness “allowed” my feminine nature to begin to assert itself. And joining CDH lifted it into the Stratosphere! I find myself now a female, unlucky to have been born into a male body, and groomed by decades of male stereotyping, learned male characteristics and masculine behaviour. I know in my heart of hearts that I am a transgender woman – the “pink fog” has liberated me from my early conditioning.
The positive side of this is that I have a kind of dual nature. I am only ME but I know how to behave as either a male or a female. What a gift! I can act 100% male – I have had a LOT of practice over the decades. But this is changing, rapidly, and I am learning to be female. In fact I feel less male with every passing week (the “pink fog” effect?). It is a fascinating existence and I am loving every minute of it. My gender identity has matured – and I have become the woman inside of me.
What do you think of my “pink fog” theory?
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