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I’ve been out and about quite a bit lately. It’s been difficult for my wife. She wasn’t keen. We went out a couple of times together and it freaked her out. We agreed that I should go out alone. This is something I have been doing whilst she was away, and a couple of times whilst she was home. I dressed sensibly ( a pic in the public photos. Red skirt and long boots), put on my new coat, double checked with my wife, and out I went.
Normally, I walk with a f*** ’em attitude and don’t care who sees me. This time I suddenly found myself very afraid. I nearly turned back, but decided to press on.
I got to my local park. I walk around the edge of this park, where there are street lights. My heart was pounding. Not in an excited way, in a scared way. I kept telling myself that I was safe, and that even if people did clock me, they wouldn’t say or do anything. I was scared. I nearly dipped into the park to find a bench where I could phone my wife and ask her to come and get me. I didn’t. I pressed on. On two occasions I “phantom-ed” Like the phantom of the opera, I scurried away when I saw people heading my way. I have never phantom-ed before. I was really scared. I pressed on and eventually made it home. I an normally sad when my walk ends. This time, I was so relieved. I was shaking when I sat down. So much so that my wife thought that I had been attacked. I felt like I had. The walk is nearly two miles long. It was the longest two miles of my life.I have no idea what brought this on. The only thing I can think of is that it has become “normal”. My wife is fine with it, and I’m normally fully OK with it. This normality has stopped the adrenalin build up. Normally I prepare for my walks. This time I just put my coat on and went out. Not checking for neighbours. No checking that there was anyone around. Coat on, walk out. Like it was perfectly normal for a man in a skirt and boots to be going for a walk.
Could it be that the lack of the adrenalin, that normally accompanies me on my walk, has allowed for fear to creep in? This is the only thing I can think of.Later, my wife suggested that we go for a walk together. We did, and all was fine.
Today we have been shopping, and I’ve been trying stuff on in shops with no fear.What caused me to feel so afraid, so nervous? This sudden reaction has scared me.
Has this happened to anyone else?Cerys
Doubts and fear of what could happen plague us sometimes and we have to get our girl on and drive them out of our mind. Or you could have had a classic panic attack for hardly any reason. Hope you are ok and don’t have another.
My own experience as someone with D.I.D dressing can become habitual.
Sometimes I dress without being switched fully to my alter, and nothing feels right.
Sometimes when I have been in full girly mode I have switched back to a full on macho mode, and go “what the hell,” shocked from the makeup and quickly wipe it off. (Disasociative Identity Disorder, is confusing as.)
Maybe you are normalising dressing for an event / or time when you shouldn’t be.
I wonder also (danger. Arm chair psychologist warning!!!) Its often said, us men “can” hide behind facial hair. Our beard / moustache is like a mask.
You recently shaved. Perhaps in doing so, you took off your macho mask. A bearded guy in a dress shows confidence. As you said, “you have that f#@@ you attitude.”
Another thought comes to mind. When you previously dressed and went out on your own, you kinda were not alone, but escorted by your male self. Perhaps your fear came about that you were not being escorted by your male self.
Lots of perhaps. It doesn’t sound it was an enjoyable time.
Wowser! Deep. Thanks for this. The weird thing is, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been out since losing my facial hair. The first time I was brimming with confidence, whilst I didn’t look female, I looked a lot less male. I looked like an ugly woman 🙂 If people passed me, they would have to pay particular attention to me to notice. It was dark. And during my walks, I look at people passing me and noticed how little I noticed about them. Basically, I should have been confident during this walk. I wasn’t obviously male.
I don’t attempt to pass. I don’t try and hide, but being facial hair free, makes one look less male, especially when dressed in female clothing.You comment about not having the male me as company is interesting. I hadn’t considered this. I don’t consider myself as having a female side. When dressed, I don’t feel female. I just like the clothes, how they feel and how they make me look. Not having the male me with me seems alien to me, but perhaps subconsciously, there might be something there. I’ll be taking walks most evenings this week. I’ll be sure to analyse my thoughts as I go.
Again, thank you.It’s given me a lot to think about.Cerys.
You had walked out of the door, no planning and no preparation. The anxiety may have been that you were suddenly vulnerable, not only were you in a female guise but something else too. Perhaps the realisation flowed over you, but you carried on completing the walk. This is something a lot here experience and even getting through the door is full of anxiety. The positive is that you did it and nothing happened, which is the result for most of us.
I hope this doesn’t deter you from going again and that you will be able to relax and enjoy the walks in future. You are also lucky to have the support of your good lady which is an added bonus.
Hi Cerys. I to have a problem going into some stores while in fem, stores I’ve been in several time before. I have walked or local mall several times, usually only going into the stores only when not very busy. I also go into a few local stores while in fem including both local Wal-Marts, even though my X and my son both work there. I WILL NOT shop our Target while in fem Even though I prefer Target to Wal-Mart, because I used to work at this store for almost 40 years. Even yet today I chicken out at some of the stores I usually go to For no reason, just happens.
. . Casie
I think it’s perfectly normal for a girl to be a little scared when walking alone at night.
When I first started going out dressed I did it at night. One night I went to a shopping mall and walked around. I kept thinking someone was going to going out of the shadows and try to rape me.
I am usually quite jealous of females but walking alone at night in a dress is not one of those times I really enjoy being in fem mode.
Wow Lacy,
“I am usually quite jealous of females but walking alone at night in a dress is not one of those times I really enjoy being in fem mode.”
– you really are getting into a woman’s frame of mind. They have to put up with this all the time, sad to say.
Marti xxx
Hi Cerys,
There’s some good opinions been passed here. I’m thinking ‘panic attack’ as Michelle suggested below – but remember I have zero medical knowledge. There’s some techniques to deal with a panic attack (always easier said than done), but you could do worse than read up on them, and see if you find anything useful.
Marti xxx
When I first decided to go out dressed, I devised a plan to do so. I bought the clothes I needed and worked on my look when no one was home. I was beginning to get dressed when I suddenly became scared. I was to nervous to proceed. I was so disappointed as I had wanted to do this for so long.
Several more attempts and I kept getting scared. It kept holding me back, but I got a little further each time. I finally made it out with my girly clothes under my guy clothes. My plan was simple. Drive to a local park, get my platform wedges, wig and breast forms I made from old pantyhose out of the trunk, get back in the car, slide off my long pants, put on my platform wedges, stuff my bra with my forms and put on my wig, like I had practiced lots of times at home when I could. But I was scared. I couldn’t do it. The furthest I got was getting my things out of the trunk. Fear came blasting in. I was so disappointed.
It seemed like it took hundreds of more attempts before I slid my long pants off, revealing my legs in pantyhose. They looked so long and sexy in my little shorts. I was trembling and so excited when I slipped into my wedges. My heart was pounding as I looked down at my legs. WOW! Those sexy legs in pantyhose were mine. I was still trembling as I put my forms into my bra and put on my wig.
A rush of thrill and euphoria came over me. I was a girl, I was dressed and I was outside. I spent a while enjoying this euphoric thrill and enjoying how I looked. Now what? Did I have the nerve to get out of the car. I opened the door and saw my pantyhose shining in the sun. My legs looked so sexy. I had to show them off. I had to feel that girly rush. There was some people around. I walked close to them so they could see me. I wanted to show off my girly self. I can’t stop here, I need to experience this more. I got back in the car and began driving. My legs looked incredible. When I stopped at red lights with other cars around, did they notice me and my pretty hair? I was locked in this girly euphoria. I had wanted to do this for so long.
I found several more locations where I thought I could get out of the car and show off my sexy girly splendor.
After several hours, it was time to return home. I drove back to the park, took off my wedge heels and wig, took my forms out and slid my long pants on. I felt so bland and boring in my guy clothes. That thrill and euphoria was gone.
I couldn’t stop thinking abut what I had done. I couldn’t wait to do it again and do even more. Unfortunately, when I tried to, I would become scared. I was stopped dead so many times. It seemed like there was hundreds of attempts thwarted by fear. I gradually and eventually acted out most of my dreams and fantasies, but it took a long time to get through the fear. It seem like for 100 times I’ve been out, fear had held me back 2000 times. Still, the feelings I got made dealing with the fear worth it.
Patty, what I’m confused about is that I have never been scared before. I used to regularly drive 15 miles to my counsellor whilst dressed. If I was early, I’d pop into a shop to buy a drink and a chocolate bar. No issues. Walking at night has never been an issue before, just this once. Weird 🙂
Cerys.
That is weird. I was on the verge of doing this years long dream and fantasy that I had so carefully planned.
I put on my pantyhose and short shorts. I began feeling some nervousness. I was sweating and shaking as I put on my bra. I was standing there but didn’t put my long pants and shirt on. I took off my girl clothes and put my guy things on. I went from wanting to do this so bad and so long to to scared to continue.
In several more attempts, the same feelings always came back. I honestly don’t know I ever got up the nerve to finally do it. Of course once I did, I wanted to do it more and have bolder and more daring adventures, but fear always leaped in and stopped me.
From the time I was 17 and first went out, to current day, for maybe 100 times I been out, fear has stopped me easily 2000 times. I envy those who have such great confidence and don’t have fear to deal with.
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