Gratitude and Insanity

[Rachel Tyrell]

Hi ladies –

Okay stand back, going to ramble a bit…

I’m grateful in many ways for finding this site. It’s been a long road carrying this inside without being able to talk to anyone who might understand the feelings and desires of this crossdresser…actually to some extent I believe transgender person is more accurate. Even though I only get to dress the way I desire periodically and have to return to my genders ‘norm’ afterwords, I still think TG (if one had to label things) would be more correct. At any rate other than my spouse, whom knows I like to crossdress and has seen me, but does not encourage me, no one in my immediate life knows of Rachel. Of course other than the 30,000 or so members of this site. So what I’m trying to say in a way is thanks for being there. I’m still trying to navigate my way through this life and while I have been ‘dressing up’ for more than 50 years, it’s a hard thing to keep bottled up inside.

I’ve been out in public fully dressed only maybe a dozen or so times in the last 20 years, and of the people I interacted with while dressed, I never saw any of them more than once. No recurring contacts, no friends, no exchange of thoughts, ideas, complements or criticism. Mostly when I got to travel to a city a 1000 miles way. It’s nice to have a place to come back to, names to recognize, conversations about TG/CD relevant topics and let out what’s been bottled up for a long time. I really hope that with settling here, some longer term relationships gel.

I think it would be nice if the opportunity arises at some point and an actual real life friendship gets to occur. In the interim, it feels really good to finally be able to express some of these thoughts and feelings to a larger group.

At the same time, there is the insanity side of this…Since coming on board, the desire to dress up feels even stronger. Circumstances don’t permit time to dress up on a daily basis but that doesn’t quell the desire that seems to ramp up day by day. Gratitude and Insanity….

Thanks for being here –

Rachel

Total of 26 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.

Amy Catrelle, Sandy Craig, Jerri Newman, Rozalyn Richards, Lynda Jones, Melissa Sue, Fiona Black, Camryn Occasionnel, Amy Myers, Cassie Jayson, Monica Delsanto, Lauren Mugnaia, Sarah Cerise, Nikki Just Nikki, JOJO, Angela Booth, Meghan Brandice, Robinette Robbyns

Topic

[Michelle Trott]

Rachel Tyrell wrote:

Hi ladies –

Okay stand back, going to ramble a bit…

I’m grateful in many ways for finding this site. It’s been a long road carrying this inside without being able to talk to anyone who might understand the feelings and desires of this crossdresser…actually to some extent I believe transgender person is more accurate. Even though I only get to dress the way I desire periodically and have to return to my genders ‘norm’ afterwords, I still think TG (if one had to label things) would be more correct. At any rate other than my spouse, whom knows I like to crossdress and has seen me, but does not encourage me, no one in my immediate life knows of Rachel. Of course other than the 30,000 or so members of this site. So what I’m trying to say in a way is thanks for being there. I’m still trying to navigate my way through this life and while I have been ‘dressing up’ for more than 50 years, it’s a hard thing to keep bottled up inside.

I’ve been out in public fully dressed only maybe a dozen or so times in the last 20 years, and of the people I interacted with while dressed, I never saw any of them more than once. No recurring contacts, no friends, no exchange of thoughts, ideas, complements or criticism. Mostly when I got to travel to a city a 1000 miles way. It’s nice to have a place to come back to, names to recognize, conversations about TG/CD relevant topics and let out what’s been bottled up for a long time. I really hope that with settling here, some longer term relationships gel.

I think it would be nice if the opportunity arises at some point and an actual real life friendship gets to occur. In the interim, it feels really good to finally be able to express some of these thoughts and feelings to a larger group.

At the same time, there is the insanity side of this…Since coming on board, the desire to dress up feels even stronger. Circumstances don’t permit time to dress up on a daily basis but that doesn’t quell the desire that seems to ramp up day by day. Gratitude and Insanity….

Thanks for being here –

Rachel

I know how you feel. I go out often but that never includes anyone but my wife. If others knew it would affect too many people. All of you girls make me feel normal. I am so happy to think you are all my girl friends.

2 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Rachel Tyrell

[Rachel Tyrell]

Thanks Michelle! Having an outlet like CDH does help a lot. Much better than keeping everything bottled up. One of these days hopefully will get a chance to connect with some like minded ladies IRL.

All the best,

Rachel

[Rozalyn Richards]

Hi Rachel ramble all you like that’s what we are here for we are all ears and like to listen 👂 to your stories, I know where you are coming from the only people who know I’m a crossdresser are the girls on here, I’ve been out a few times dressed but never interacted with anyone apart from one other crossdresser when i went round to his /her house and we both dressed up, I’ve mainly been out in my car for a drive but late at night no one can tell if you’re a man or woman when it’s dark, it’s been hard trying to keep it secret,

Hugs Rozalyn X 🎀

2 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Rachel Tyrell

[Nikki Just Nikki]

Thank you, Rachel! Gratitude is the solution for most of life’s ills, but I’m going to have to reframe “insanity.” For me, the more safety and acceptance I feel, the more Nikki expands to fill that space. The rush feels a little crazy, but I believe that responding to safety, trust, and acceptance naturally leads us to ourselves. Rather than insanity, it may be the most rational response I can imagine. That expanding sense of who I am reminds me to trust myself, that this is real, and that I owe it to myself to embrace it.

2 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Rachel Tyrell

[Anonymous]

Thank you Rachel for sharing this with us. I feel the same. I have been hiding for 35 plus years and finding CDH and all of the wonderful ladies here has allowed me to be me. The side effects are I am much happier and able to communicate better with my wife.

Thanks, Jessica

4 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Nikki Just Nikki, Lynda Jones, Rachel Tyrell

[Fiona Black]

Rachel,

Contact your local LGBTQ center to see if they have any activities geared toward CD’ers. Might be a way you can meet some sisters.

3 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Nikki Just Nikki, Rachel Tyrell

[Lauren Mugnaia]

Hi Rachel,

I fully understand, I’ve been there! I’ll borrow some of what Angela and Emily said, the cork does eventually reach a point where it no longer restrains the Genie and she comes rushing out of the bottle to make her presence know…this is the insanity part, She now wants her turn to live.

Rachel, through the years I would let Lauren come out of the bottle and ask for some freedom, and I would go out in public fully dressed, from head to toe, made up, perfumed, coifed and in my four inch heels. I’ve always been able to pass, it wasn’t too terrifying and I became accustomed to my forays as Lauren.

It was while recovering from my heart surgery that the cork finally let loose and my genie, Lauren, was out for good, as Angela puts it, there’s no turning back.

And that was it, there was no going back! I transitioned and made my debut as a woman named Lauren 243 days ago. I can honestly tell you that the peace I felt, the joy, the contentment and the thrill of finally living as the person I always knew I was, is truly indescribable.
The gratitude completely replaced any insanity!

Rachel wants out, and you already know that. She’s ready to pop that cork very soon…
…and the next steps are yours girl friend!

Big hugs Rachel,

Ms. Lauren M

4 users thanked author for this post.

Nikki Just Nikki, Lynda Jones, Rachel Tyrell

[Rachel Tyrell]

Thanks so much Lauren! It is really gratifying to know your not alone in some of these thoughts and feelings. Keeping it bottled up for so long has surely not been the most health approach. I’m glad that you were able to debut a new you and it has brought you peace and joy. I need to find some time to let that genie loose around here for a while .

Hugs to you as well!

Rachel

1 user thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia

[Angela Booth]

There comes a time when the cork finally decays and the genie has to come out of the bottle and no turning back.  You clearly have the opportunities and there is the insanity in what you are doing as it has never been this way. It’s not insanity but the natural urge to be the real you. I am sure that you will settle down and find your way gaining support and friendships. CDH was probably the best thing you did.

4 users thanked author for this post.

Nikki Just Nikki, Lauren Mugnaia, Emily Alt, Rachel Tyrell

[Emily Alt]

Hey Rachel I get where you’re coming from.  I stumbled on CDH 3+ years ago when my therapist pushed me to meet other girls.  I can sincerely say this space changed my life.  Within a few months I was socializing with other girls IRL….and made some real-life friends.

The “insanity” you’re feeling is her….your authentic self coming into the foreground.  Let her have the room she needs.  Getting out there is one of the best things you can do to slake that thirst.

Chicago is one of the best places to be.  Lots of girls to socialize with.  Hit the Social section on CDH and make some new connections.

/EA

6 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Nikki Just Nikki, Angela Booth, Meghan Brandice, Autumn Valiant, Rachel Tyrell

[Rachel Tyrell]

Emily –

Making an authentic friend with whom I could freely share the reality of how I and I’m sure others feel would be fabulous.

I does help just to be able to reach out to those here on the site as well.

Rachel

3 users thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia, Meghan Brandice, Emily Alt

[Emily Alt]

You’re so close Rachel.  I know there’s girls here on CDH that you could connect with IRL.

1 user thanked author for this post.

Lauren Mugnaia

[Author]

Replies