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Hi all,
My wife is having a hard time living with a crossdresser. One of the things that I think is that she doesn’t have anyone to talk to. I think she may gain some insights if she spoke to SOs of crossdressers and learn about their perspectives.
I noticed that there is closed forum for SOs only. Anyone’s SO in that group? If yes, do they like it?
Thanks
Saleena
Take your time with her. If not you will push her away. Be honest and truth when ever possible.
Hi Seleena nice meeting you and yes my wife is a SO there in the forum and she loves to chat .. Please get her to look into it as there is a lot of help there for the women cis or gg ladies and its private to them only my wife just joined and love to help look her up Linda Bass she will answer many questions for her like said she is a very supportive and careing wife as we have been married for 39+ years and i came out to her just after we were married So its a great start and just be honest and answer a;ll her questions as truthful as possible remember girl baby steps and keep talking good luck girl..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Saleena,
My wife does not like my cross dressing one bit, even though I told her I was a crossdresser before we were married. Last week she started in on me again because I had bought another dress. Why do you need another dress? Where are you going to wear it? You’re a man not a women and on and on.
I’ve tried to explain to her what makes me want what I want and why I love it and the fact there are two people in my body and have been since birth.
She had recently found out that I had joined CDH so I explained what it was and why I joined. The main thing being having people I could talk to and who understood. So I told her about the site exclusively for SO’s and perhaps talking to other wives may help her alot and hopefully help bring us closer together. She was actually receptive to the idea so I have all my digits crossed hoping she follows through with it. I think it would be truly a God send. Thanks so much for posting this Saleena.
A Great big hug to you,
Trish
I’m trying to get mine to go there as well but not having much success. She did come to CDH to look at the SO articles but said they did not help. She also stumbled upon things that were not helpful in forums regarding transition, some encouraged lying to the SO, and then threads that veered into the sissy or fetish aspects.
She refuses to talk to anyone about it even though I’ve told her i don’t care if she tells friends. She needs an outlet.
Good luck.
One thing for a spouse to understand is that the desire to dress won’t go away and if not allowed to do so, you’ll both be miserable.
Partners seldom have someone to confide in. Early on, we met up with several happy couples. Eye opening and quite a bit of fun.
For reference, sharing this from that group. http://chi-chapter.org/perspective.html
Eileen
I’ve seen SO’s post here as well.
Two things from my perspective, and I told my counselor this, if I were to direct my SO here to find people to talk to she may feel like I was sending her to a place that she might perceive as automatically being “on my side”. In fact, that is a reason why I did not take my counselors offer to have group sessions with my wife and I. I completely trust that she would be objective but again, I would not want my wife to ever consider she may not be.
With that said, recommend your wife find an counselor (therapist), whatever term you want to use, that she picks and feels most comfortable with. It may take more than one try. It did for me.
In doing so she can find someone whom she will trust, and not have the extra worrying of bringing this “embarrassing situation” up to a friend or family member.
I hope this helps you in some way. My wife had not found a counselor of yet, I’ve suggested she do so several times. She just has to decide it’s a priority for her to do so.
Love and Hugs,
Becka!I am in that group and it can be a tremendous help although there just aren’t many active members on that side.
The site itself can be a wealth of knowledge which can be good and bad. There are very kind and supportive CDs but there is also a great deal of lying to the wife, holding hack information from the wife, and other talk like that. There are a lot of good and informative books that may be a better start for her.
Hugs,
BettyThe lies started long before the wife entered the picture, lies to parents, siblings, friends and ultimately to ones self. They lie to them selves when they purge everything and swear they will never do it again. The secret takes a life of its own, I have friends that their grown kids know but the ex-wife and other family members do not. If somebody starts at 8-9 yrs. old and meets their wife at 25 that have 15-17 years of secret keeping.
I see all the “progressive” thinking in schools and allowing children to express themselves, sometimes it seems to go too far, but may be the pendulum swings too far, hopefully we can get to a place where those 8-9 year-olds can admit their desires when asked and the hiding and lying can stop.
Zenn
I didn’t realize this about myself until recently. I mean I have buried it my whole life and not acted on it. In therapy I am realizing that this is a part of me, and it’s ok. I have not figured out if and how to talk to my wife of 20 years that I love dearly and never intended to lie to about this. I honestly didn’t know myself. I need more time to understand what is going on and if / how we can talk about it. I hate that this is hidden but I don’t feel I have the right to do additional damage to our family by talking about it right now.
I was a late bloomer at 64, I always knew I was different, always felt there was another looking out of my eyes, just delt with it, figured everyone else also delt with it.
Had a friend, younger than I, diagnosed with a brain tumor.
Zenn said “it now or never” so I asked the wife about getting nail polish on the toes, it was no that day and yes the next. It then was toes and hands, on to kilts then skirts.
I get swollen feet, doc recommends compression stockings, found Juso brand, comes in lovely colors, so thigh highs next, panties, pierced ears, purses, growing my hair.
We still go to the local nail place and get mani, pedies together.
Haven’t hid from the wife, she seems to tolerate it, I am still the same person.
Zenn is just getting to show herself a bit.
Zenn
it can be a slippery slope. I understand their need and desire to talk freely and typically they are too embarrassed to confide in the best friend or others. My wife has said similar things ” she has no one to talk about it with” The counselor we see has been very good for both of us, specially me in understanding to accept it more, own it and knowing that it will never go away. But that my wife will never get all excited by her man all dressed up.
I have heard good and bad things about the SO Board, the bad being a lot of ladies are CD haters but there are also a lot of great So wives on here that are very supportive and helpful to all on here. I do wish more woudl participate. Again selfish from our perspective.
I’ve never seen anything on that side that would make anyone worthy of the term “CD hater.”
Betty, glad to hear! I was hoping the SO board was more positive with ladies looking for understanding to their questions so they could wrap their head around our dressing up.
I think it is quite positive actually. When a husband comes out after many years it is a great deal to take in even if you are a strong LTBTQ ally. When you didn’t know early on it is hard to wrap your head around this new person. While I don’t find the dressing attractive, I do want my husband to embrace who he is and have a fulfilling life. Our issues that bubble up tends to be more of dealing with the pink fog and my feelings of loss. Loss because as Michayla becomes more present in my life I say goodbye to the husband I have always known. Much like when a child comes out as transgender and the parents mourn the loss of the son or daughter they once had. The SO side is very helpful at helping us new gals through these challenging times.
I’m not sure if I can help, but I’d love to try anyway. I’m an SO and totally on board with what my partner wants. I’m happy to be a starting off point for your wife if she’d like. I do think the SO boards can feel a bit intimidating at first. I’m happy to chat with her if she’s ready. Best of luck to you both!
Hi Saleena,
I hope that things have gotten better for you and your wife since you posted. I am a SO, my partner is actually not on this site, just me.I originally joined this site about 5 years ago to help understand…and to open my eyes a bit. I wanted to know what was out there so I wouldn’t look shocked, scared, or upset and hurt my partner’s feelings. I have to tell you I developed a very lovely friendship with one of the CDs on this site during that time who mentored me a lot. I was able to learn how she and her wife worked things out, how it went with the extended family, and their children. It made me realize there can be normalcy.
My partner stopped CD for a while. I always thought it would come back and it has. I have returned to the site again for the friendship, lessons to learn from others (both genetic girls, cross dressers, and transgirls), and sometimes a place to mourn or feel heard. You have received a lot of good feedback from many. The truth is us SO are gaining something, but we are also losing something, and we do mourn. Sometimes if we found out in an untruthful way we have to work through our anger. I know that can be scary for the CD…. but if the anger is not worked through no progress can be made either. Anger unresolved leads to resentment, no one wants that.
I hope your wife chooses a site like this, a support group, or a therapist to just have a friend to lean on. If I could offer just one piece of advice from me personally it is to always be truthful.
Wishing the best for you both! Ang
My wife reluctantly attended one therapy session with me. She thought that we would “gang up” on her. She was pleasantly surprised. However, she has no interest in going again. Likewise, she has no interest in talking with other SOs. She says, “I don’t need other people telling me how I should feel.” Referring to me, she says, “I hate that bitch. I wish she would die.” This is all very hard. My desire to transition grows with each day, but my wife says that she would leave. If I could, at least, have the freedom to present, en femme, that might be enough to satisfy me.
Hi Dawn,
How long into the relationship before you told your wife? How long has it been since she found out? I’m very curious.
Hugs,
BettyHi Betty,
We went to a Halloween party, not even two months after we got married. We went as opposite sexes. I told her that I really enjoyed it & asked if she would mind if I occasionally wore some women’s clothing around the house. She said OK. That was then. How long? Let’s just say many moons.
Dawn,
A lot of people are upset about the comment “I hate that bitch.” Yes, that is a harsh and hurtful thing to say but there is an overwhelming amount of feelings that seemingly come out of nowhere when something like this comes along. I love my husband with all my heart and am pouring myself into this site, books, therapy to understand and to work on myself. I am a huge LGBTQ ally and believe we should all be ourselves and yet I have those days that I just hate that bitch too. It is a process and a long journey. Slow and steady wins the race and all good things come in time. If you love each other the way it sounds, you will both get there with communication and compromise. We can’t help the way we feel and it takes time to process those feelings.Much love,
Betty
Sorry shes having a hard time… it takes a minute, but me and my wife are BFF’s, get yourselves your play names, play games, make her dinner, go to the park, wear pants,lol, she said my skirts are to short, be the best girlfriend you can be, listen, love, she’ll love you for that.
Good luck
Xx
BriannaTo paraphrase,
You can lead a horse to water,
But you cannot make them think.There are various mechanisms to help spouses, such as a private area on sites like this, separate and parallel support groups as a part crossdresser/transgender support groups, therapy services, separate and couple sessions during gatherings like Fantasia Fair, etc. However, the key point is that one must want to avail themselves of such things…
I don’t want to sound rash, but this is an important topic, for many of us. I was married for over 14 years. I came out to her after our first six months and she calmly accepted it. Her only condition (then) was that I keep it in house. Fine, so far. She often bought me nice things to wear and even would help me with a corset (tying the back). The first 8 years was event-free between us. She was used to me in feminine lingerie and clothes, even complimenting my appearance. How could it get any better?
After 8 years, she suddenly turned against me. Like day into night. She demanded that I not dress around her anymore. I wondered what I might have done to make her so suddenly unsupported. I pried a lot and only once she responded with “you make me feel like a lesbian”! However, she had a caring side and told me she would give me time alone now and then to dress up. She would often spend an entire day at her mother’s. Those days were far and few between, but I took advantage of them. But it was getting the best of me, too. My garage became my ‘man cave’ where I would spend time away from her, not dressed but at least alone with my thoughts. Our relationship began to go downhill fast. By the 14th year, our only discussion was about divorce. We agreed upon it. But it wasn’t a pleasant separation. She was in a hurry for me to move out. The last trip to get my remaining agreed things, I noticed a box of condoms on her dresser. We never had condoms in the house, never used them. But it said millions to me. She already had someone lined up. I was hurt, but yet I was getting my freedom, to dress all day, every day when i wasn’t working.
Dawn;
Wow, one line and you sum up my situation perfectly. I don’t have any sage advice to offer and am struggling with my own SO’s response. I wish you all the best of luck and look forward to any posts you put up here in the hope it provides me with the most crucial of hints with helping my own wife.
-Molly
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