- October 26, 2020 at 6:57 am #398875Sara MillerParticipantRegistered On: October 17, 2017Topics: 5Replies: 12Has thanked: 100 timesBeen thanked: 148 times
I have question, mainly for myself, but yalls input is greatly appreciated. I’ve mention in a earlier post that with the pandemic and my wife working from home I haven’t had the opportunity to dress in about 6 months. Since my wife does not approve, and I don’t dress with her home, frustration had become common. Recently she has been visiting a sick friend and on two occasions I’ve had the entire day to spend dressed. Both times have been very enjoyable until I had to go back to guy mode. I felt a guilt creep up on me and can’t seem to shake it. In the past these guilty feelings would cause a purge of everything feminine and a promise to not do it again. Over the years I have come to the realization that this feeling to dress is not wrong and is not going away. It is not something to get over but something that is in all is girls. I don’t like the guilt feeling and since my wife does not approve, a discussion with her is out of the question. I guess I’m just looking for a little advise and support!
- October 27, 2020 at 8:26 pm #399605Bettylou CoxDuchessRegistered On: May 26, 2019Topics: 20Replies: 2106Has thanked: 4217 timesBeen thanked: 7566 times
So your wife knows, meaning you aren’t keeping secrets. She disapproves, but you do it, anyway; this is most likely the reason for your “guilty feelings”. You would be right to feel disappointed, but you have no reason to feel guilty; you are doing nothing either illegal, immoral or anti-social. It would help you to initiate a conversation with your wife about your need to Dress. If she refuses to have anything to do with it, you are no worse off than before, and you might find she is willing to compromise.
- October 27, 2020 at 4:56 pm #399538AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 2Replies: 32Has thanked: 69 timesBeen thanked: 143 times
My better half also in not very approving and I respected her wishes till I just couldn’t and suddenly 4 years ago we were in a costume store looking at Halloween stuff. I purchased a dress, gloves, heels & Fishnets over the next few days and dressed as a woman with Wig, Makeup, the whole 9 yards for Halloween Party and dinner at a high end eatery.
She was stunned at the positive feedback I got everywhere we went including a pit a stop at our local pharmacy. Since then, I pretty much dress as I like always wearing Panties, Stockings, Panties with Garters, Garter Bels and I wear heels when at home, occasionally wigs & makeup.
I have also pointed out to her that she takes others telling her how dress not well at all so she is really in no position to tell others including me how to dress or what to wear.
While she is still not 100% approving, she no longer has serious issues with it and I simply can’t help myself anyway.
- October 27, 2020 at 4:26 pm #399511Elisa TurnerLadyRegistered On: September 29, 2020Topics: 12Replies: 24Has thanked: 167 timesBeen thanked: 200 times
Hi Sara. What a GREAT post. Thanks.
I’ve done A LOT of thinking about this.
It helps me to distinguish between a “feeling” of guilt and actual guilt. This is an essential distinction throughout like, but it is especially important here.
For many, I suspect many here, there is not much objective morality out there.
For many people the thing that comes closest to objective morality is the “harm principle.” That says that everything is fine unless you are hurting someone, and even then it might still be OK.
So you have to decide if you believe there is any objective moral standard which might be used to clearly define whether or not your crossdressing makes you actually REALLY guilty of some wrongdoing.
You are clearly objectively REALLY guilty OF crossdressing. That just means you REALLY do it. That doesn’t answer the question of whether or not crossdressing is morally wrong.
For some people (myself included), the Bible is the primary source of moral law and the “harm principle” is applied through it. The Bible says essentially that crossdressing is “an abomination,” and this is primarily because it is a rejection of what God made you. Moreover, scripturally speaking, it doesn’t seem to be the clothes themselves as much as it is your purpose in wearing them. A lot of things in the Bible are like that; it is often more about our heart than the external things.
In a recent counseling session, my counselor asked me if I have a pair of panties and a nearly identical pair of men’s underwear (which I do), why do I choose the panties? The answer, I think, is because I essentially WANT to be a woman. I choose the panties because I am rejecting my God-given male identity.
In that sense I am actually REALLY guilty of violating something outside of me, and it is appropriate that I have a guilty feeling. It makes perfect sense for a guilty person to have a guilty feeling.
But if you don’t have this objective moral standard, then you are left perhaps only with the “harm principle.” The question then becomes, “Are you REALLY objectively hurting someone? (either yourself or your wife).”
If you know that your crossdressing harms her, you have to admit that your REALLY are guilty of hurting her. THEN you have to decide if the hurt you cause her is in any way “acceptable” harm, that is, if your need for what you get out of crossdressing in any way justifies hurting her.
I’m in a very similar situation as you are. My wife knows but does not approve. We both share the objective standard of scripture, so I freely confess my guilt. Guilty feelings are, for me, entirely appropriate because I know I AM guilty of breaking God’s law and undermining his will for my gender.
I’m still struggling through what kinds of things I can legitimately do as a man IN PRIVATE and what I can do with my wife.
Part of me thinks that I have greater freedom with my feminine side when it doesn’t involve rejecting my masculine responsibilities or an explicit and public rejection of my male identity. I’m probably just rationalizing.
ANYWAY… I guess I just suggest that you distinguish between a “feeling of guilt” and ACTUAL guilt. If such a thing as actual moral guilt is a possibility for you, then decide if you are REALLY morally guilty. If so, try to make it right. If it is just the hurt it causes your wife, try to work something out with her that makes room for both of you. If there is something more there (an objective moral standard about crossdressing), then work it out.
That’s where I’m at.
I am trying to work out how to deal with what I believe to be my real moral guilt. I’m trying to find the line where I cross into a real moral failure. Tough stuff. This is what it means to be human.
Thanks again for the great topic, and for letting me get all that off my chest (even if it isn’t the 38C chest I wish I had). 🙂
- October 27, 2020 at 2:18 pm #399485LeahBaronessRegistered On: June 13, 2018Topics: 3Replies: 228Has thanked: 3059 timesBeen thanked: 778 times
sad to say, shame and guilt are a staple in our cross dressing world. Due to many factors from “it is wrong according to society” to not having SO/Wife support. It takes time to over these feels which is even harder for you due to lack of support and participation from your wife.
You have an uphill battle. do your best to move forward!
- October 27, 2020 at 1:37 pm #399473Ellie HopeBaronessRegistered On: October 3, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 106Has thanked: 188 timesBeen thanked: 399 times
From my very limited point of view, you are right… it’s not likely to go away, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am just now finishing what I think is a worthwhile book which discusses similar issues faced by CDs and their SOs. You might find some comfort and useful advice in it “Living with Crossdressing – Defining a New Normal” by Savannah Hauk.
I wish you comfort, clarity, and understanding; for you and your spouse.
- October 27, 2020 at 7:33 am #399326stephanie plumbBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: November 17, 2018Topics: 152Replies: 2079Has thanked: 3308 timesBeen thanked: 9645 times
You need to question yourself about why exactly you are feeling guilty. I see from your profile that your wife knows but doesn’t approve. So it’s not really a secret unless you have made promises that you would stop. I can see how this might result in a little guilt. But if so then don’t let it. You are complying with her boundaries because you are staying private.
If you concentrate on self acceptance that this is just the way you are wired then any guilt should decrease. You have nothing to feel guilty about right? We are blessed – we can experience both our male and our female nature. Other peoples disapproval doesn’t need to cause us to feel guilty. It’s their problem.
The frustration is another thing. The more we dress the more we want to dress. You will have heard of the “pink fog” or gender euphoria. By dressing frequently we stay within the pink fog. If infrequently then we dip in and out of the fog. It is reckoned that it can take up to two weeks I think, before the euphoria wears off. Then life goes back to normal and we are frustrated. If we then dress again the euphoria returns.
One way to manage this is by maintaining a low level of immersion – a thin mist – by doing feminine things as and when you can. Like underdressing. Slipping on a pair of heels for 10 minutes. Participating in CDH is very good for your mental health as well as being enjoyable. I’m sure you can think of many ways to satisfy your needs.
Hope this helps
- October 27, 2020 at 2:59 am #399242Patty PhoseDuchessRegistered On: May 7, 2016Topics: 0Replies: 1609Has thanked: 1202 timesBeen thanked: 4330 times
Oh. No, no, no, never purge. if you are feeling guilty store your clothes somewhere. If after a while you lose the urge to dress then donate them. Most likely you won’t and they will be there when you are ready to wear them again.
- October 27, 2020 at 2:41 am #399240AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 1Replies: 10Has thanked: 26 timesBeen thanked: 63 times
Unlike alot of crossdressers, I didn’t start till my 30’s, though I did have an occasional thought in dealing with girl’s panties during my youth. But to be honest, I do have some guilt alot times because I crossdress. But what I do in private is experimental and is also all part of figuring myself out.
- October 27, 2020 at 1:57 am #399231Katie CollinsLadyRegistered On: January 25, 2020Topics: 3Replies: 198Has thanked: 99 timesBeen thanked: 574 times
I don’t feel guilty about dressing, because I can’t see anything wrong with it, but I fear that other people would, so I’ve hidden it for 30 years of marriage. The guilt is from keeping it a secret. I shouldn’t keep such a big secret from the one I love but the fear of disapproval is too great so I agreed with myself a long time ago to keep it to a minimum (2 or 3 times a year) which means I feel guilty less often. I wait until I can get a good few hours, so it is worth the wait.
In between times, life is great, but I could never give it up for good. My fear is, that a disapproving wife would spoil the enjoyment. Not worth the risk.
- October 26, 2020 at 6:37 pm #399159Rei DurdenBaroness - AnnualRegistered On: October 11, 2020Topics: 21Replies: 803Has thanked: 4991 timesBeen thanked: 3337 times
Jeez, I don’t know. I can’t decide what’s more frustrating, have a spouse that knows but isn’t really encouraging or keeping it a secret.
Obviously deceiving your SO is far worse (and the stress of secrets can manifest badly in multiple ways), but in my opinion there’s got to be some compromise where you both can be satisfied?
As far as feeling guilty, if you truly feel you’re doing nothing wrong and you haven’t kept it a secret AND respected her wishes to keep it to yourself, I say “Sara, there isn’t a single thing to be guilty about.”
Are you sure it’s guilt? Trying to put myself in your shoes (heels?) and all I’d feel is resentment and dissatisfaction. Just my opinion. But I sure hope you both can find a solution. Rei
- October 26, 2020 at 6:05 pm #399147SutekinaLadyRegistered On: January 27, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 81Has thanked: 1287 timesBeen thanked: 249 times
Most accepting spouses knows that the dressing is important to our peace of mind. To not dress brings stress and strife. You say your wife does not approve which means she knows (but would rather not know). A conversation is out of the question, but if one does take place, you can tell her that your fights/arguments are because you were agitated and not able to dress. Dressing gives you peace and the 2 days you were able to do it were great days (and I assume no fights). You can emphasize that dressing is a stress buster or something like that.
- October 26, 2020 at 5:10 pm #399135Edie MajeskiBaronessRegistered On: April 7, 2018Topics: 16Replies: 203Has thanked: 25 timesBeen thanked: 462 times
When I was younger and back in the days when crossdressing wasn’t accepted very well by other people,
I always felt guilty and purged many times. It wasn’t until I got my first PC, connected with the internet and stated learning why I was a cross-dresser and that my need to dress would never go away that I learned to accept my need to cross-dress. Today, now having accepted, I’ve learned to embarrass my feminine side, and I’m much happier for doing so.
- October 26, 2020 at 12:00 pm #399044James BrineLadyRegistered On: October 13, 2020Topics: 18Replies: 86Has thanked: 96 timesBeen thanked: 349 times
To clarify regarding your wife. Does she know about the crossdressing? Has there been a talk about when you can do it (ie. she’s out of the house for 3 hours)? Is she aware of the frustration it’s causing you?
My wife and I had an agreement to not do it when the kids are ok or she is home. That was pre pandemic. Similarly I became increasingly frustrated. We just have a plan now that we have a time I can dress set ahead of time. She doesn’t leave her office during that time while at home (about 1 hour time frame) unless she notifies me in which case’s I’ll go somewhere private for the moment. This is how we get around it. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Its sucks.
- October 26, 2020 at 11:51 am #399041Ria FreichukLadyRegistered On: June 6, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 108Has thanked: 302 timesBeen thanked: 458 times
- October 26, 2020 at 11:37 am #399039GenevïéveLadyRegistered On: July 28, 2020Topics: 30Replies: 1207Has thanked: 10277 timesBeen thanked: 4971 times
Have never felt guilty…
- October 26, 2020 at 8:15 am #398920AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 0Replies: 38Has thanked: 26 timesBeen thanked: 221 times
Ok so from what I have realised over the years is our life is like a rollercoaster.
Think of it like this your low point is your longest time dressed in boring male cloths
The peak of the track is where your dressed in pretty feminine clothes
So when you dress say once a week the climb and fall you get are gradual bumps, little time to feel gilt, little time to feel frustration of not dressing leaving you feeling calm and happy.
Now when you have to go long periods without dressing or chose to,
The Climb to the peak is very steep and constant, the peak seems so far away and you have time to feel the feelings you are feeling but as we all know you will get to the peak and dress, So now you get dressed you feel wonderful, you have your time dressing without a care in the world like you did whilst dressing every week.
only now instead of the gradual dip you find yourself on the peak of what seems like the biggest roller-coaster drop ever made, your now on the way down from this with the guilt amplified from a gradual niggle in the back of your mind to a full blown frantic guilt trip. In this state the period of none dressing will most likely be lengthened by choice as well as circumstance and the pleasant ride you once felt dressing weekly has now turned into the roller coaster from hell.
Your only way out of this feeling is to get over the feeling of guilt and realise you cant do anything about it or figure out how to dress more frequently.
Not much help in the short term but may help you on your way
- October 26, 2020 at 7:42 am #398898AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 21Replies: 157Has thanked: 690 timesBeen thanked: 772 times
Hi Sara.I used to be full of those guiity feelings before my wife became cool about my crossdressing.For three years my wife used to spend every weekend at her mother’s house.She looked after her elderly mother for three years until she passed away.Sometimes I would go with her most of the time I stayed in the house alone.This afforded me the opportunity to be Roberta for a whole weekend.Like you I had an enjoyable time but when the weekend was over,the guilt would set in.One of the worst feelings was putting all the clothes back in the closet.I used to cover my traces makimg sure I didn’t leave any clothes around.Prior to that when there were whole months since I had dressed I would take a couple of days off work in the middle of the week in order to dress when my wife was at work.The night before going back to work the guilt would consume me.Guilty because I had been going behind my wife’s back.using up to much of my annual leave allowance and spent too much money.Now she is okay about Roberta and let’s me dress in front of her every day I have no such guilt.I have entirely embraced who I am and feel great about it.
- October 26, 2020 at 7:39 am #398894Maria PinkDuchessRegistered On: October 18, 2020Topics: 3Replies: 90Has thanked: 166 timesBeen thanked: 359 times
Hi Sarah. I completely understand how you feel. Having to hide can take a toll, that I know. Like many on here I have purged and regretted it. I mainly did it out of guilt and like you I didn’t like the feeling. I have come to the realization that I might have the guilt but I felt even worse denying who I was and what made me happy. My mental state and mood were way down and I didn’t have the joy in life I should. I rationalized that what I was doing hurt no one as I was not projecting it on others. I view it as something I needed to do for me. The guilt was still there (basically from not being able to share who I was with others and had to hide it) but to me it was better than setting an unrealistic goal of not dressing and not allowing myself to be whole. As selfish as that may sound, it is very much a part of me and if I compromise and not dress around you then why shouldn’t I do something that makes me feel better. “To thine own self be true”
- October 26, 2020 at 7:35 am #398891AnonymousRegistered On:Topics: 2Replies: 17Has thanked: 57 timesBeen thanked: 89 times
Hi Sara, I’m the same. I get a nice little wardrobe together and then after a few months the guilty thoughts seep in. “What if she found out?”,”What if the girls at work found out?” and in the bin go my lovely clothes. I havn’t dressed since before the lockdown (I’m in the UK) but I’ve found CDH so I think it’ll help. What I’ve seen so far is that we’re not alone. Louise.
- October 26, 2020 at 7:10 am #398879Paulette JamesRegistered On: April 16, 2020Topics: 2Replies: 7Has thanked: 73 timesBeen thanked: 51 times
Hello Sara. I know exactly how you feel. I believe the guilt just comes with the territory of living in the shadows. I too have purged my wardrobe many times and have lived to regret it. I decided a year ago to just embrace this side of me and just enjoy. One thing that I have learned is that it is not going to go away. Just relax and go with the flow.
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