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Well, I haven’t been on the site for a little while and had to take the summer off from CDing, but I just started dressing again this fall. Up until late yesterday afternoon I had been closeted to my wife and daughter. My 11 year-old daughter found a picture of me dressed (and I’m usually more careful) and started asking questions to my wife, who flipped out. They were away, so my wife called to confront me on the issue. She raced home and we ended up talking on and off for most of the evening.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is “hey can I help you with your makeup?” and 10 is “the ultimatum” … her reaction was an 11. I wanted to let her vent, so I didn’t fight back against some of the hurtful comments. I got the usual questions (are you gay, do you want to be a woman), which I expected and had an answer for, but I thought some of the comments were just mean. A sampling …
“What is wrong with you!” (uttered several times very loudly)
“It’s worse than cheating on me”
“I would rather you had a terrible disease than crossdress”
“Are you doing anything illegal? Are you into child pornography?”
“You’re not even pretty as a woman!”
So, today I feel very alone. There will be no more dressing if I intend to remain married. I had to purge completely today, not just hide it for later.
For now, Jennifer will no longer exist in the physical realm. She now lives only in my thoughts. Just feeling very sad because the urge will always be there …
Oh my! Jennifer I feel so bad for you. You have been put in an terrible place. Those are some of the most incredibly hurtful comments I can imagine.
All I can say is that I feel for you and wish you well as you navigate this extremely challenging situation. I don’t blame you for purging and saying Jennifer no longer exists – I would do it too – the fear of losing access to my children at that age would move me to do almost anything.
The truth is I did very little crossdressing from the time my son arrived until my daughter left for college. I just put my own needs aside for a while – in part because I was exhausted and sleep deprived so much, in part because I incorrectly/unfortunately was embarrassed by my own legitimate needs, and in part because I did not want any trouble at home. The truly tragic and sad thing is that sometimes in today’s world we feel we have to put our needs aside. The world is changing – trans rights are being recognized more and more in many jurisdictions. Maybe someday a man can come home from work dressed as a man, put on makeup and a dress and go for a walk and no one will notice or care – and there will be no need for him to worry that he is doing something wrong or that he will pay a price for indulging in his need to be feminine. But we are far from that world now.
And you Jennifer are sadly forced to pay a high price.
I am lucky in that although my wife does not want to participate or even see anything related to my crossdressing, she does no know about it and tolerates it as long as I keep it to myself – and my kids are now in their 20’s. So they can make up their minds about me should they ever find out. And by the way – I am back and taking makeup lessons and loving it after many years of denial.
I dont know what else to say Jennifer except to point out that it is unfair you are in this position, and to tell you how sorry I am that someone with the same urges and needs that I have has to pay such a price for simply being who you are.
Take Care – and Good Luck
Dear Jennifer……..I am so sorry for you. I find it hard to understand female logic and have been studing psychology for a long time. I think that children, who almost all cross-dress for a bit are shaped by their parents upbringing and the role models influence them greatly. My parents (alive at 95) are death on anything to do do with LGBT. They are the ones who would cast the first stone.
I hope in time your wife might learn to understand…..does she wear pants and mens’ shirts???? Pots and kettles. I am saddened by what has happened. My advice would be to lie low and watch for signs she is going to hold this against you with the children. Be prepared for a separation, for your sake. Hopefully it won’t happen, I pray. Good luck and remember….if you can’t be content with your life, and yourself, you can’t be content with anyone else. I know, been there done that.
Lady Veronica
Jennifer like all here I’m sadden for you. I love my wife to no end and if these happenings occurred I too would give up the dressing as much as it would hurt .I value my relationship and wish to keep it at all costs it’s hard for a person to sacrifice especially things that are loved .unfortunately situations dictate decisions that are not. I can’t bear the emotional pain you must be going through but hope like all things in time an understanding and acceptance may come. This is truly a hurting time but stay in touch. We all are here to listen and be by you. Your part of this family and we never want to leave a gurl down. My blessings on your journeys. 🌹🌹
What to say?
I cant offer any sage advice or anything but my understanding for your plight.
Be safe whatever you choices are.
Hugs.
Sarah.
Dear Jennifer,
Just to say how sorry to hear that thus has happened and that you got such strong comments from your wife. The shock must have hit her hard and you had to take it. I am on the verge of this happening to me. Perhaps I should purge b4 it does!
I hope that you work out a way to smooth the waters. All the very best.
Love Masiex
Jennifer, reading your story reminds me how similar it is to mine was when my wife discovered Gina. Your wife is feeling emotional pain thinking she has been betrayed, lied to, and cheated on, as well as trying to protect your daughter from what she thinks might be a threat. Since, like my wife, she didn’t include Jennifer in the commitment to marriage because she didn’t know about her, I would bet she thinks your whole marriage was a lie. The pain, humiliation, and shame my wife’s words brought to me were devastating, as I am sure your wife’s were also. I tried to put Gina away and purge too in an effort to save things, but it wasn’t possible for me to do. I really empathize with your situation. I hope you find your path through this. It will be painful for sure. It is only recently that my wife approached me after many years with an olive branch and we have started to repair some of the damage. Only after much discussion and effort to reestablish diplomatic ties does she now spend time with me as Gina and not project hostility being with me as I present myself as a woman. Still, the hurt from the past seems to be the hidden 800 lb gorilla in the corner of the room. I hope you can find a way to salvage your marriage. Best wishes to you.
Hi Jennifer,
I feel your pain, sister.
My wife topped out at about 7.9 on that scale. She didn’t hold back on the hurtful questions either, I felt I needed to accept it, after all I had hurt her. Maybe it would balance the scales a bit.
Well, we’re still together and I still get opportunities to be Jillian. We had to find a way through the hurt though and that is never easy. I guess that I’m trying to say that it can happen.
My best wishes for you and your family
Thank you everyone for your support. I appreciate it and it is very helpful. For now, I have to attend counseling as a condition of staying married. She wants to find someone who can cure me of this affliction. Knowing that’s unlikely to happen, I will go through the motions and declare myself “cured” after a certain number of sessions. I may have to keep Jennifer buried deep inside, but I can live vicariously through you ladies. That’s all for now. I saved my marriage, but have to deny a piece of who I am. 🙁
So sorry to hear of your situation and hope your wife will recover from her shock and accept you. The panic you felt of being discovered I cannot imagine. I can only relate to a very small portion when I cannot account for a piece of my femme clothes and panic trying to locate it before she does. Will be thinking good thoughts for you.
I was with a woman who initially liked being with someone who could be her ‘girlfriend’, and fulfill some of her bi-curious needs, but then eventually changed her mind about being with a person who occasionally cross-dressed.
After initially accepting my feminine side, she decided that it wasn’t part of what she wanted in her partner’s life. Eventually our relationship ended, pretty much as a mutual consensus.
So you just never know what the initial reaction is going to be, and what the long term affects of cross-dressing (or other kinks?) will have on a long term monogamous relationship.
People grow and change throughout their lives, and relationships are complex even in the simplest of circumstances.Again, thank you to everyone for their support. Things have settled down a little, but I miss expressing myself outwardly. My wife picked out the therapist for me, so he shares her view of things. I’ve had a couple of sessions, but I’m not optimistic it will lead anywhere. My wife wants it “resolved”, so that I have no more feminine urges. It seems no matter what I’ve said to the counselor, he keeps asking what I get out of it and what am I trying to accomplish. It’s frustrating. I can’t speak for other CDs, but for me the overriding emotion I feel is “freedom”, especially when I can go out in public as Jen. What bothers me is that if a girl wanted to wear loose jeans and a flannel shirt, nobody would care. They might say, “Oh, she’s a tomboy”, and leave it at that. If a boy wants to wear a dress he gets sent to therapy. Ugh!!!
Ironically, on the day I was caught, I felt it was my best makeup job ever. I’m not an expert, but I was proud of my effort that day. Oh well … I guess I went out with a bang.
Random thought: When I purged, I couldn’t bear the thought of throwing everything away, so I donated all my dresses, skirts, tops heels and boots. Everything was in great condition. Maybe another local CD will benefit?
So sad to hear. Sounds like your wife sent you to straight camp and you are right to ask why is it acceptable for a woman to crossdress but not a man. I say this tongue and cheek but maybe you should have told her that she had to ditch her guy looking clothes. Figures it had to be on a good make-up day. My thoughts are with you but I do have to ask is this hell worth what you feel is vested in your relationship really worth the hell you sound like you are going through? Hugs -Terrisa.
I thought this is what happened Jen. Still trying to get in a position where my wife is at least tolerating of Hannah. No expectations just hope.
She loves me to death but this is just short of carrying on an affair. I don’t blame her thinking that way. It is just too hard to comprehend after 20 some years of marriage.
Keep me posted
Hannah
I did not do so well burying my feelings for a couple of decades. Was moodier, generally an a-hole all the time. Completely lost empathy for others, and covered the pain with booze.
Still a functioning member of society. All looked well on the outside.
Pain ain’t cheap.
I just wasn’t built for it. I bet you are.
I am sorry to hear of this Jennifer, I understand what you are going thru. A lot of what has been said should help, but I would just like to add that I hope you are ready to deal with the feelings you will have in the future. I am not going to sugar coat it. Looking at your pictures you seem to be quite committed to being Jennifer since you do it rather well. This would tell me that she is a big part of you. Your descriptions of the joy you have going out shopping and so on also tell me she is a large part of you, and in my experience, burying those feelings will simply not work in the long run. Your therapist sounds like someone with a thin grasp on reality, and to think this can be ‘cured’ is simply mistaken. I have been seeing a therapist with my wife for many years, and luckily she is someone who understands that some of us are indeed different, and there is nothing wrong in that.
I would advocate honesty being the best thing for a healthy relationship, honesty in all things. Maybe right now is not the time to ‘fess up to too much if you wish to retain your relationship, but I suggest you think long and hard about what you will be able to live with later down the line. I think you probably know you will want to bring Jennifer into the light again some time, and there is always that danger she will be rediscovered and worse might ensue. I have been thru some times with my first wife, and some more with my second, and sheesh it can be very very tough. I am in a better place now tho after some long hard work, and it has been worth it.
If you are truly, deep in your heart OK with the thought of never allowing your feminine side to be personified again, then have at it, but to save yourself a lot of trouble in the future, I suggest you start to make plans to one day reopen the subject somehow.
I would be happy to offer any further advice if you would like 🙂
You are not alone!
Laura
Thanks Laura & Lauren. In the short term I can deal with things, but I agree that somehow I need a long term solution. I know the urge to dress will never go away. I’m too old to keep hiding who I am inside. It’s exhausting and depressing. I can already tell that I’ve been more irritable lately. I don’t dress because I’m depressed … I get depressed when I can’t dress.
Eventually, I’ll get to a solution I can be ok with, but I’m not sure what that looks like yet.
Like I said Jennifer, if you ever need to chat about it, I am sure I am not the only one willing to help 🙂 It has always been a help to me to know there is support out there!
We want our wives ideally to accept us and be honest with them. Unfortunately when I ever happened to ask a girlfriends opinion on what they thought about crossdressing in general. It was NEVER a positive response. So I never told them I crossdressed. I have somewhat got lucky. My wife would shave her private parts. I asked if she would like it if I shaved my private parts? She said yes. So I took a chance and shaved everything I could reach except my arms, arm pits and back. She liked it, even my legs! When we were dating she knew how much I liked women that dressed in dresses, nylons and high heels. She dressed that way until I married her. Then it was sweatpants, jeans and boots. It did nothing stimulating for me. That’s when my crossdressing desires started to reemerge. But now my shaved body is normal to her. There’s nothing like the feeling of silky nylons and high heels on shaved legs. So whenever she went anywhere, I would dress up and lock the bedroom door. She left me 4 months ago and wants to come back. But for 4 months I’ve been able to fully dress everyday and feel feminine, happy and free. If she would dress like my female side does. My crossdressing desires would dissipate. I’m not attracted to a woman dressed as a man. Just like she’s not attracted to a man dressed as a woman. I hope you can live without Jennifer. I hope my experience will help. There is a very very small percentage of women that will accept or tolerate crossdressing. If you have one, your very very lucky!
High Heels … That was fascinating … I felt a similar phenomenon. When I was dating my wife, and even early in our marriage, she wore more hyper feminine/girly attire. She wore dresses and skirts much more often. For me, just being “near” her femininity was almost as good as dressing up myself. My desire to dress was greatly reduced for a few years. Unfortunately, as the years went on and she became more “practical” in her clothing choices, my CD desires continued to increase to the point where I finally had to act on it. I started with shaving everywhere (although I just trimmed my arm hair). After I was caught, that was going to have to change. At least she’s still OK with no chest/armpit hair and if I trim other parts. We’ve compromised on the leg hair … I can keep it short, but not shaved. The thought of becoming all hairy again is depressing.
In related news, my latest therapy session was a little better. At least the counselor admitted that my feminine desires are unlikely to go away and that my wife and I will have to work on some long term solution.
I am so sorry to hear that you have had this happen. I have never been outed but it is my biggest fear. Not because of what people think of me but of it hurting my family who would not understand. To some great extent I have dreamed of just divorcing my wife and starting my life separate and able to dress when I want and in what I want. But maybe that will just remain my fantasy, as you say, and not materialize physically.
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