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I recently inquired about seeing a therapist to talk about my transgender feelings. I received a reply but was too scared to respond. Also, due to my current financial situation, I couldn’t afford to pay for it anyway. My question is, have any of you ladies seen a therapist to talk about your transgender feelings? Why is it that a grown man would want to dress up as, or even become a woman? I’ve wondered this all my life. If you saw a therapist, did that person help you feel better? Was it worth the time and money?
Thanks for your comments.
Well I have never been to a therapist, and I don’t feel like I need to or would benefit from it. I crossdress because I feel it gives me a different perspective on things.
It seems like there is a preponderance of men crossdressing vs. women which doesn’t surprise me since men have both x and y chromosomes, so it’s in there, somewhere.
But when I do actually get out en femme, it is always in private and in a natural setting, like the beach or forest….luckily I live close to both. I feel that I feel more in tune, and more appreciative, of nature and life when I am in my feminine mode.
I do not, however, have any wish to transition. I am happy where I am when I am alone. My issues are with society’s expectations of me as a cis male. I have never come out explicitly to anyone and am still trying to work out why. Pretty sure my wife suspects or knows, but something still keeps me from expressing it to others.
But this is me. In your situation, if you really feel like you want to transition, live full time….then a specialist in gender dysphoria may be the right step to help you delve deeper. I didn’t look at your profile to see where you live, but in the US many health plans do include mental health coverage. The best place to start, and I bet this is tough, is to talk to your GP and ask for a recommendation.
Take all this with a grain of salt….I am just a fellow traveller on the journey of gender discovery.
Over the last 50 years or so, yes quite a few. The first one was about that long ago and my then wife eventually came along. To cut a long story short, back then, totally useless in “curing” my CD tendencies.
Later years another counselor/ therapist, trying to save our marriage. That failed too.
The on to counselling to try to help with problems with my by then adult kids. Helped me, but not them.
Much later
“Onwards and Uowards, Severe depression and anxiety… more counselling (and hospitalisation) .
The latter two events had me “fessing up” to being a CD, but that was treated as a bonus stress reliever, from all the troubles above.
Caty.
I’ve been in and out of therapy for 30+ years. Most therapists weren’t very helpful. One did more harm than good.
5 years ago I decided to give therapy another try. This time I specifically looked for a therapist that specializes in helping trans patients. The one I found has been incredible. I probably wouldn’t be here without her.
So you ask “Why is it that a grown man would want to dress up as, or even become a woman?”
Well, I can only speak for myself. I used to ask that question too. The answer I found in therapy is my brain is wired female. There’s a girl inside.
The signs have been there all along.
I’ve wanted to be a girl since my earliest memories….when I was 3 or 4. Most of my friends are female. Presenting female feels authentic. My natural state. Dysphoria fades. It returns when I present as male. At least it’s manageable now. Therapy did that.
Presenting as male feels like I’m acting a part. I’m going thru the motions. Zero investment in brotherhood. Bro culture is a turn-off. I tolerate being around most guys. I can count the ones I like on 1 hand.
I’m pretty comfortable being me. Therapy did that too. I don’t need clothes to feel female. That’s in my head. But women’s clothes do let me express myself more authentically. Even when I present androgynously I often get gendered female. My therapist says I give off a girl vibe.
There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing to fix. This isn’t going away.
Was it worth the time and money? Absolutely!
Hope this helps. Happy Holidays!
/EA
Hi Kerri,
There was a time in my past when I thought about seeing a therapist about my feelings, desires, etc., but somewhat like you, I really didn’t feel comfortable wanting to tell anyone what I was living through. Turns out I did go to (if I remember correctly) one or two sessions about marriage counseling. The first time it didn’t help, we got divorced, as all my ex wanted was to get her side validated, which isn’t or shouldn’t be what things like that are for. 2nd time must have worked as we’re still together after 40+ years.
My thoughts back then about my tg concerns were that I wasn’t even sure in the 1960’s or 70’s that there were people who even understood things like gender dysphoria. And although I lived in the suburbs at that time, there was no internet, no way of searching out with discretion anyone at all to share my issues. I certainly wasn’t going to go in blindly and ask for lots of referrals.
Today, I would think it at least somewhat easier as a lot of research can be done online, along with seeing actual recommendations. Imagine some tg/ts person publicly recommending a gender therapist back then!
My only solution back then was to read as much as I could, which I did, as well as watch a number of those talk shows that would showcase people with issues, mostly for the ratings, of course. But the more I saw and read, the more I realized there were a lot more like me, and we all weren’t mentally ill. That was my big revelation over the years.
Now, I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. Deciding to see a therapist is something very personal which I suspect would require several meetings as you both get to know one another and feel comfortable. That’s all I can suggest is that if you do decide, go in and ask questions, make sure you’re as comfortable as possible, and if you have the least concerns, don’t be afraid to walk away and find someone better.
I wish you the best on your journey.
Hugs, ChloëC
Kerri –
I have been in therapy for the last 3 years with a therapist that specializes in gender issues. I started at the suggestion of my wife and it is one of the best things I have done. Initially I was scared and concerned as I had never told anyone about my crossdressing, and in fact denied the feelings to myself. Like many others here I first started back in the 60’s, a time where it was considered to be a perversion and mental illness. Since starting therepy I have learned to accept this part of me and am embracing it. I have no intentions of transitioning but do enjoy being able to expres my feminine side.
The decision to see a therapist is a personal one and the key, I think, is finding the right therapist. It may take a few before you are able to do that but I think in the end it is worth it.
I wish you the best in making your decision.
XOXO
SuzanneI did see a therapist around six or seven years ago for a period of several years ago. I was her first crossdresser or trans person see had seen. Now she is a go to person in our area. She helped me a incredible amount. Helped me realize there is really nothing wrong with who I am and that I was in a terrible long term marriage. I think that somehow pushed me more into dressing. Just my thought but I believe it did. I would go back in a heartbeat in I thought I needed to. She actually cried when My ex filed for divorce. She said it was a gift fron God. I just didn’t know it yet. She was right.
In addition to the brief couples counseling, I discussed in another comment on this string, I saw a therapist individually for several years. She helped me come to terms with so many issues and made my life immensely happier. (Side note: I’m quite sure I would not have been comfortable discussing intimate and sometimes embarrassing things with a male therapist.)
I talked about my early sexualized experiences “playing doctor” and how that impacted me, as well as how the loss of that relationship transitioned into crossdressing. The playing doctor phase also influenced my desires for a dominant/submissive sexual relationship. In discussing that, I guess I was a little unclear as she asked me if being dressed as a female brought out the dominant side of my desires, implying that I needed/wanted to be dressed to feel dominant. In context, it was an insightful question, but my reaction was to laugh because it was not how I felt.
I stopped seeing her a few years back and writing this reminds me that I need to thank her for how she helped me enjoy a better life.
Yes I’ve been to a therapist but the first time was in the early 80’s and the therapist had no clue at all about gender issues. I was there because of the wife discovering my dressing and I lied and convinced them both I was “cured”. After that it was deep into the closet for the next three decades.
After coming out to the wife a few years ago I tried counseling again but the guy was an idiot so I only went twice. Finding the right therapist is crucial. It seems my best therapy is dressing in some way every day.
I have been active over the years in a group therapy with other cds and it has been wonderful. Where six or seven girls all talk freely about their experiences as we do here. The therapist is a cd as well and I have made a lot of friends to do things with from the group so I highly recommend this kind of therapy. I have never gone to a therapist for a one on one session though.
Helped me.
Question myself.
Realised there is nothing WRONG with me.
I am doing nothing WRONG.
Why do I feel like this, well, Why not?Not being who I really am is more harmful to me than being who I am, doing what I want, not what is expected of me.
So I don’t fit into the gender stereotypes laid down by society. Does hat make me bad? Or wrong? No.
Those who do not accept what I am, is it my problem or theirs?
Therapist helped me stop hating myself for being this way, stopped the shame, the guilt, the fear. Helped me see there is nothing wrong with me, learned to love myself.
I mentioned in another post the song
‘I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses’. I love myself, the way I look, the way I dress, the way I act. Not being big headed, just think you have to love yourself because nobody spends more time with you than you.
Therapy helped me come out the other side a happier person.
B x
No, I have never been, never felt the need to. Like most, I was conflicted about my feelings to dress, but as my wife says, they are just clothes. I enjoy dressing, but have no desire to be female, so I suppose that is a big difference from those who true feel or want to be female.
I thn k therapy can be very beneficial to many (if the therapist is good.) Most people seem to say their therapist (and therapists in general) have given up on trying to figure out why you want to dress or transition, but instead focus on how to accept those desires. I have accepted the fact that I like to dress, that it gives me pleasure, and that I have no intention or desire to do more, so I don’t think a therapist would do much for me.
I haven’t. I wouldn’t have done so in my youth as the subject was still taboo. So I just went on with life and looked within myself and asked all sorts of questions. As time went on access to information became more prevalent and society became more accepting. Life became easier and I came out and things went from strength to strength. I always knew I was ‘normal’ others saw it differently therefore I didn’t feel dysphoria, my body may not have been correct but the mind was set. I played the game of being male and did quite well but was never overtly masculine and not afraid to express those feminine traits, so bumbled along. In the end I had gained a peace within myself and knew what I was and, when the time was right, I moved forward with no doubts in my mind also making the decision to stop with relationships knowing that could hinder my progress. Something that others have had to deal with complicating the issue in a lot of cases. It took a lot of time but the end result is that I am now living and working as the person I have always wanted to be and appear as.
I suppose I did my own therapy and, from what I have read, any therapy can take time for an individual and perhaps longer if a partner is involved.
I’m in the UK and have been lucky enough to have “mentoring” from a charity that supports trans people’s mental health. I’ve found it invaluable and feel it’s helped my wife and me hugely. Our marriage appears to be surviving and my mental health is just about ok: two things which both seemed in great jeopardy. It’s not magical though and of limited duration. They’ve given me advice and I’ve now started private counseling with someone who at the very least seems very open to gender issues. My experiences are very limited: but for me it’s been (quite literally) a life saver.
Thea
I did go to see a psychologist and was in therapy for about 3 years. My crossdressing wasn’t the primary reason for being there – I was dealing with an episode of depression. Inevitably, my cross dressing became a small part of the conversation.
I have, and am currently seeing one now. She’s been great, especially in my getting to know my feminine side and the relationship with my wife. I have been somewhat meek in that regard, afraid of the wife leaving, etc. well she had me see myself for who I am, and I was able to talk to my wife about things. The wife didn’t leave me and is a lot more aware and understanding than I thought wshe would be. I still see my therapist but mostly for other issues. If you feel you need to see one, please do. Depression can rear it’s ugly beast in crossdressers and trans folks, and it’s an ugly, scary and dangerous place to be. No need to go through this life alone, and, well, you always have us to help too!
I have never had the need to see a therapist about my dressing. What eased any concerns I had about dressing was alleviated through talking to other CD’s either in person or on sites like CDH. All the discussions I have had and all the stories I have read have helped me accept who I am and be completely comfortable with being Fiona. I gave up trying to figure out why I do this, I don’t care and am happy just the way I am.
I have a therapist that I have seen for over 30 years for various matters (doubts about having children, work and career related conflicts and challenges, and more recently – grief – because I lost my daughter). That therapist knows about my yearning or aspiration to dress and present as a woman, but honestly has not been helpful on transgender issues. She “thanked me” for telling her but she has not provided much insight or helpful advice other than to be strong and accepting of myself on this issue.
It could be my expectations are not realistic. She listens and is supportive but she does not provide any insight into why I am “gender ambiguous”. And she has no real concrete suggestions to handle any issues with my spouse and family. She is good at getting me focus on how my life has been fulfilling and successful and full of love, and that is not nothing, but advice on understanding or satisfying my yearning to be feminine is not one of her strengths.
I am a big believer in using therapy to deal with challenging emotional and psychological issues – but in my case, when it comes to being feminine, I have learned more doing my own research. And since she is good at helping me with depression and self-doubt generally – it seems to work for me.
Good Luck Kerri – accepting ourselves is a challenge we all face. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if dressing as a woman was seen as cool or even wise for those who are like us?
Hi all
I talked to a therapist once, She was totally worthless. She never asked what I was thinking, how I felt,or did I want to be a woman full time. Her only question was what does my wife think about my dressing.After an hour of that I thought to myself I do not need her to tell me I am trans. I examined my life from my earliest memories, experience and feelings and came to my own conclusion. This works for me. I know in my heart who I really am
Huggs
AbbeyMy parents caught me dressing when I was about 15 and sent me to a therapist for my “problem”. Needless to say I wasn’t cured, but I convinced my parents I was. My next visit to a therapist was in 1998, and he diagnosed me with depression. We discussed my dressing up a couple of times, but it was never the focus of our sessions. He retired about two years ago, and I haven’t said anything about dressing up to my new therapist. I simply don’t see a need to bring it up. In my mind, dressing up isn’t a problem. I’ve accepted that this is who I am, even if I don’t understand the “why” behind it.
Half dozen marriage counselors and two therapists. The marriage counseling ended each time at about the third session when the counselors basically told us that she was the problem. Of the therapists, the female thought it was great and the male just cautioned me not to do so in front of my three year old daughter (her mother and I had separated and soon divorced) as she would doubtless tell her mother and I did not need that.
In my prior marriage we had meetings with two different therapists. My ex-wife expected the therapists to confirm her view that I was the problem. Each one, in the first ten minutes or so, said something along the lines of “why do you treat him that way?” We never saw either one again or another therapist. I thoroughly enjoyed the experiences. BTW, crossdressing was not an issue.
One therapist told me privately that my crossdressing was not the issue in the marriage even though my then wife harped on it. He said the issue was control; my crossdressing was the one thing she felt she could not control in the relationship. My ex once told me that what bothered her was, “You look better in sexy little nothings than I do.” Which was true. Either way, I guess I was vindicated some how or other. I still don’t understand her, but then I quit trying to a long time ago.
When my kids were in therapy, the therapist would spend a few minutes talking to myself and my wife about the marriage.
Later, we went specifically to a marriage counselor. The subject of my crossdressing did come up but wasn’t a major focus. Bur she asked me to stop crossdressing and I asked her for something trivial and inconsequential (I had bigger issues but wanted to see if she was willing to do anything to change). When she wouldn’t even try to keep her part of the bargain I went back to dressing in secret. I sought out a transformation place near me. The intent was to experience one time dressed in public as a woman. Instead it was a day that changed my life and is the reason I’m out in public as much as I am now.
To answer your questions, the reason I dress in women’s clothing is that many instances (too many to put in here) in my childhood touching or feeling women’s clothing left me with feelings of pleasure or endorphin rushes. So I guess I ended up conditioning myself to enjoy it. Why would I present fully as a woman? Because even today society frowns upon someone presenting as male but wearing obvious women’s clothing. But I can get away with it if I present fully as a woman.
I don’t feel I need therapy for my crossdressing. Over the years I have come to understand why I do it and accept it as a large part of who I am. I don’t think a therapist can add any more understanding.
After being caught by my wife and confessing that the bras were mine and many fights and discussions later she convinced me to go to a therapist. I found one myself and she was amazing. She was and LGBTQ friendly therapist. She said that denying my dressing would have disastrous effects on me and that I should continue to explore this side of myself. My wife did not agree so she found a Christian therapist which of course had a totally different view of the situation. I was told that I was committing a sin by even considering dressing. Unfortunately my wife is a very unaccepting lady and cannot see being married to a CD. For now I have said that I would stop (which we all know is impossible). But she doesn’t need to know that I still have my time as Ginger when needed. One day when our kiddos are no longer at home and have moved on in life I am sure she will either leave me or try to accept. Time will tell.
hugzz to all Ginger.
My Mother caught me dressing when I was 14 and she took me to a therapist. After the session he talked to her and said it was not that uncommon for some boys to crossdress and had nothing to do with not having my Father in my life. (He died when I was 6). Although she was not thrilled with the therapists response she was more accepting after that.
I started going to counseling for a PTSD issue, which in turn opened up pandora’s box to my sexual abuse and cross dressing. Growing up I was never what I call a typical boy, not overly large in physical size nor good at sports. I used to share a room with my sister growing up, which I think set some of my dressing desires in motion.
In counseling my biggest question was what started me dressing, why do I enjoy it, why would a guy want to wear lingerie and put on make up. I have zero interest in guys not any desire to transition. While it would be cool to flip a switch for a day and experience being a lady, but still wish to remain a guy. My first wife was no help in the shame and guilt calling me every name in the book. My counselor convinced me that there was nothing wrong with dressing, it hurt no one, I was not looking to be dressed in front of friends or family, so again it was no ones business what I did.
While I do feel at times some shame or guilt or why do i like getting dressed up and why does it excite me so my. Only to know that I will never really know why and I will only drive myself crazy with trying to answer those unanswerable questions.
So I try to continue with her help to work through my dressing and “normalize” it for lack of a better description
Its always interesting to me which threads trigger robust discussion.
Firstly, I am sorry you’re struggling with your gender identity Kerri. I think most, if not all, of the transwomen/non-binary individuals part of this community can deeply empathize with your struggles.
I am a big advocate of therapy in general and I have a therapist I meet to talk about my “man” issues. He does not know about my gender fluidity and I’m not ready to have that conversation with him, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. I have also considered seeing a therapist specifically about presenting as a woman in part or in full. I have the added complication of being bi and I am dating a man I see only when I present as a woman so I’m sure some therapy could help. I am fairly comfortable with where I am but I still have so many questions.
One of the big one’s for me was/is “why do I feel so compelled to dress up and present in part of in full as a woman?” Maybe it has something to do with my childhood or upbringing but I really cant say and dont know.
I have moved beyond asking that question specifically about me though and posed it to all people – why would anyone want to present as a woman, when doing so is a lot of time, money, and effort? For cis gender women there is a society expectation for them to wear makeup, heels, dresses, lingerie, nylons, have long hair, etc (or all the things many of us love so much). But in modern society, women have more latitude to wear pants or present themselves in ways that are gender neutral and sometimes “masculine” without the societal reaction men get when presenting themselves as women.
For me, this speaks to the power of masculinity, especially toxic masculinity. It is such a narrow and rigid box and men that do not conform are judged harshly and sometimes even experience dehumanization and violence for even the slightest expression of femininity. The irony is that all humans possess both masculine and feminine traits. Denying that reality is denying the very complexities that make us human. Some people feel more comfortable expressing their femininity over their masculinity and vice versa. This often corresponds with cis gender at birth but not always, and we are living examples of when the match between gender assigned at birth doesnt totally align with preferred gender presentation. I think there is a bit of randomness to this – just like some people prefer staying up late and others prefer getting up early. My point is here is that there is nothing “natural” or “inherent” about wearing make up or dresses. These are societal conventions attached to our understandings of femininity and masculinity.
I dont know what early childhood experience led me to want to present in part or fully as a woman. I do know that I enjoy presenting as a woman for lots of different reasons. 1) I love how the women’s clothes (especially nylons, slips, silk, and lace) feel on my body. There isnt really any comparable clothing to lacy lingerie and nylons for men. 2) There is a sexy, sensual, stylish feeling women’s clothes give me that men’s clothes cannot. Men’s clothes are meant to be functional, comfortable, and utilitarian. There is nothing functional about 4 inch heels but wow do they make me feel feminine and sexy. 3) Presenting as a woman allows me to channel, embrace, and celebrate my inner femininity instead if suppressing and hiding it. It sucks to hide important parts of ourselves. I think this explains why I enjoy going out in public presenting as a woman. I dont just “dress up” when I present as a woman (one of the reasons I dont use “cross dress” to describe what I do or who I am). My mannerisms, my voice, the way I walk, and even who I am attracted to change when I become Deanna. Also femininity has some real advantages. I like talking about my emotions. I want to cry when I feel sad. I like shopping for cute outfits. Ok, maybe the last one isnt healthier but it sure is fun!
I think its human to want to express our full selves, including our feminine sides. Perhaps the better question is, why are human constructs of masculinity so narrow, rigid and toxic that men who want to embrace their feminine selves or present as a woman in any way are shamed into thinking something is wrong with them? This problem says far more about societal understandings of what it means to be a “man” than it does about any of us.
When I was a freshman in college I went to a therapist at the university once a week for a year to try to understand this part of me and hopefully be cured. I never got anything from my once a week sessions and when the year was over which was all the university would cover the therapist said I should find a private therapist to see. I asked him then if he thought that continuing on would result in eliminating my need and desire to crossdress. He said yes but since a year with him did not move the needle I was skeptical and could not afford it in any case.
Many years later I believe the best one can hope for from therapy concerning gender issues is learning self acceptance and getting help with navigating our relationships with those we love and want to be open with.
Hugs,
Michelle
[postquote quote=703468]
I think learning to accept yourself for who you are is, or should be, the goal of therapy. We are who we are, no doubt for many different reasons, but ultimately we just need to understand that being who we are is fine.As I said earlier, the best thing I have ever done was to just accept the fact that I like to dress en femme.
While it is not a direct correlation, gay conversion therapy has been shown time and again to be horrible, so to should trying to change a desire to dress as long as it is not causing problems, which it rarely does even though we tend to think so.
Maybe the beginning is……
Nothing wrong if we are or could be croossdressers, gays, bisexual, sissies, travestis, transexual or whatever life brings to us.
We must rub what the traditional culture told us and live…
And aftewards let´s see what happens with our relationships and how we can manage them. Difficult question but impossible from my point of view without the `previous step.
Kisses sisters
Counseling/therapy absolutely has helped me.
I abused alcohol,and started counseling for that.I came to recognize so much of the reason I drank was my shame of crossdressing.
What I viewed then as more shameful than presenting as a drunk. Nobody would notice I’m drinking too much,right ?Both alcohol and dressing were escapes, but now I don’t feel shame about dressing.
She (having a woman for counseling was essential for me) was the first person, besides my wife and a counselor who brought me back from a TBI, to know.
April will be five years sober.I’ve shared my story with several gg friends. It’s been incredible to see they were friends with the me they knew and that friendship hasn’t changed. In many cases it’s an even deeper friendship (“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.That means so much to me”)
I don’t go out with anything more than lipstick, mascara and earrings. Not even that in our small town. Only started that post COVID, but I’m more and more self assured.You mentioned other obstacles, but don’t let uncertainty about getting counseling be something that holds you back.
Most importantly, I don’t hide from myself anymore.
As one of the nurses who now knows said, “Embrace it and enjoy it”. I have.
I don’t believe any of this could have happened without counseling.
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