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Don’t think im the only one here with this problem. I made this decision two years ago to admit I was a crossdresser, not only to myself but my wife. She is incredibly supportive in my decision. This should be great, but I’m still having a hard time with it. I feel that there is something wrong with me. I’m 52 years old. Grew up in a small southern town. ( Had one stoplight.” You were a guy or a girl. No in between. Never heard of the term crossdresser until I was in my late 40’s. Because of the crossdressing I’ve started drinking heavily. I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s the path I have taken. I go from ” this is a great outfit.” To, ” what the hell is wrong with you.” Then I rip everything off and scream at myself. Lost right now. Trying not to bring anybody down. Thanks for letting me rant. They say ” don’t drink and drive.” Maybe I shouldn’t drink and post. Love y’all. Constance.
You have a drinking problem now, nothing can be sorted out until that is addressed. I’m recovered 20 years alcohol ruined everything I touched. Stop drinking, get some outside help from a counselor if needed and I think it is… Just making the derision to see a counselor will make you feel better because you’re taking a positive step forward. Choice is yours stay the way you are or get some help with things..
Love,
Lisa
Congratulations on 20 years. Maybe seeking council could help but I’m embarrassed to talk with someone about this. I can do it here because I’m not facing someone. Not that it makes it better. I have to come to terms with it or walk away. Hopefully soon I can figure it out. Thanks for the support. Love, Constance.
Constance,
I think that the way you phrased one of your initial statements provides a big clue. You said that you “made the decision to admit” being a crossdresser.
The key there is “admit”. You didn’t use “accept”. There is a big different between both words.
Now, don’t feel bad, you are in the right path. But accepting goes way beyond admitting. Not everybody can get to accept themselves in life, crossdressing or not. The fact you are this far in the process should give you hope.
Accepting yourself doesn’t mean that you will be powerless and that you will now have to keep on dressing all the time. Accepting your crossdressing is being able to get over the self limitations about how you must be damaged goods if you do it. How you can do it because it is something that you enjoy and gives you something special, whatever it may be for you. It is knowing that you can decide when and where you will dress. That it is your choice to do it when you do it.
I hope you will be able to get there (self acceptance) take your time. You are unique, you don’t have to do things the way others do it. Stay away from drinking. It is way worse for you and your wife and your family than crossdressing will ever be.
Best luck. You are not alone.
Gaby 💜
Hi Gaby. You really gave me something to think about. Never thought about the difference of “accept” and “admit” guess I need to really work on the “accept” part. Going to take a while, but I will hopefully get there. Like I said on replies I’ve sent to others is the support from everyone here really helping me with it. Like a lot of others I was feeling like I was going through this alone, but obviously I’m not. Thanks. Constance
My dear Constance. I feel bad for the troubles you are experiencing. You must not give up hope that you will find your way out of those woods, you find yourself in. Seek not the answer in the wine bottle for you will find no answer except a head-ache and the problems will still be there. I think it would be very wise if you contacted a Psychologist who specializes in Cross Dresser issues. I have a lot of experience in this field and if you would like to talk with me…..I am here for you. Perhaps I may be able to help you fight your demons and see a path from that forest of doubt. My door is always open…do come in and set a spell….let’s chat and get to know each other a little better.
All the girls here have most likely experienced some of the same fears you have. We are all here to assist you in any way. Remember……..there is NOTHING WRONG with YOU!!! The problem is with the outside world of society. I read that 10% of all males around the world, participate in some form of cross dressing………with that many…how can it be wrong???
Looking forward to hearing from you and wish you all the best.
Hugs…….
Dame Veronica
Thank you for the invite. I may take you up on it. You are right about looking into the bottle, the next day the problems are still there. I don’t know about getting professional help. I would be so embarrassed to talk about it with a stranger. I know I’m doing it here but I’m not face to face with anyone. Like a lot of people here have said I’m going to need some time to get adjusted to it or walk away. I have other things I’m trying to deal with along with this, guess a lot hit me a one time. So far everywhere has been very supportive and willing to help me through this. It means so much to me. Glad I’m not alone. Constance
Hi Constance,
Sweetie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crossdressing. I grew up in a household where I was told that Cross dressing was wrong and I grew up hating the fact that I loved to be a girl. I spent years addicted to drugs because I had so much turmoil and inner pain because I love to and continued to dress. It took a long break from Cross dressing and getting myself clean from the substances before I saw that that Cross dressing was not my problem.
Hon, you must get yourself free of the alcohol before you can start healing the guilt and you’v you feel about crossdressing. There really is nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy. Who are you hurting? Nobody!! Stop beating yourself up over old, out of date ways of thinking and do what makes you happy.
Hugs, Brenda
- Thanks for sharing Brenda. I have other things going on that is part of my drinking. This happens to be one. It’s one of two things I’m having a hard time dealing with. The other is worse. This is the one I can physically see. I’ll get over it one day, ( hopefully soon.) Or I’ll just walk away from it. So far with the feedback and support that has been sent to me, I’m feeling a little better. Constance
Let me give you the voice of real experience. Before I accepted my crossdressing propensities, drinking and crossdressing always went together. JoAnn Roberts, a veteran crossdresser, writer, and leader in the CD community wrote something years ago suggesting that drinking and crossdressing was a bad idea. I don’t even know if she is still alive, but I thank God for her and her advice.
When I first stopped crossdressing when I was drinking, it was hard, but I got past it. For a while I backed way off on crossdressing at all. But, after a while, I got back to crossdressing, but took greater care, got more fit, and genuinely developed a better femininity. It was like I wasn’t just a guy in girl’s clothes. It was more like I was really a (part time) women.
I still drink beer and enjoy it tremendously. But, I don’t mix drinking with crossdressing. Like driving safely, I want to be my best when I crossdress. So, I don’t mess it up by drinking. I only dress when I’m fresh out of the shower. I always wear fresh and clean undergarments. I make sure my dresses, skirts, and tops are clean and wrinkle free. I polish and/or clean my high heels, boots, and sandals. In other words, I prepare myself to look and feel like a put-together and lovely women. Hey guys, if we really want to be feminine, why not try to be our best.
So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Hi Falecia. I agree that drinking and dressing doesn’t go together. A lot of what set’s me off is when I do drink (a lot) and happen to pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself in dress I stop and look at myself and that’s when I get really upset. Then I start thinking about it and get very angry and start ripping everything off and thinking to myself ( what the F is wrong with you.) Then I usually give myself the middle finger and slam my hand into the mirror. When I’m dressed and sober and I walk pass a mirror usually it doesn’t bother me, at times I can’t look at myself. I just drop my head and think ( really, what is wrong with you.) It’s something I need to work through on my own time. As I have said in other replies,. The support and caring from people I don’t know and genuinely care about my well-being has helped. Glad I’m not alone. Thanks. Constance
Hey Constance,
There is nothing wrong with you letting the woman side if you come out. Something made you want the put on a dress and or makeup.
You just need to figure out wether you like your feminine side or not.
You should thank you lucky stars you have a wife that is supportive. Maybe you two just need to sit down and talk about the honestly. Don’t hide it if she supports you dressing.
Hugs to you both Jenna
Hi Jenna. That my be one of the problems I have with this. When I dress I don’t feel like a woman. I’m just a guy wearing women’s clothes. I don’t talk different, don’t walk different, sometimes I will make feminine hand movements or sit a certain way if I’m in a dresser skirt. Reading some post on here I’ve noticed that most, not all refer to themselves as a woman. Am I doing this wrong? I know I don’t have to act like a woman to wear the clothes, but didn’t you think it would help? Think it would help me get past some of the feelings I’m dealing with? Thank you for reaching out, it means a lot. Constance
There is no “right” way to dress (well try to stay away from mixing plaids and checks, lol) seriously, you don’t have to “feel” like a woman when dressed. Just be you. There is/are reasons you crossdress. This doesn’t mean you gay or bi, you could be but those feelings may have been suppressed very deep, it doesn’t matter. If you enjoy dressing, then just go with that. There are many levels of feminity on here from the ladies when they’re dressed. Some feel totally en femme and some are like you, they just like wearing female attire. I don’t change much when I dress. I enjoy how the clothing feels, looks and fits. I don’t go totally changed with makeup or wigs because of the lack of opportunity, though I would like too, even that doesn’t mean I feel like a woman. In short, do what makes you, you. Don’t overthink it. Just be happy.
Hi Constance, nope you are certainly not alone. I would say the vast majority of us here on this site, have questioned themselves at one time or another, god knows, I have! you are getting the typical mixed emotions coupled with guilt and denial, its really perfectly normal. The hard truth is, those feelings probably have been festering inside you for a long time. Eventually they demand to let themselves be known. Some start younger, some start older. Just be you Constance, dont fight it, the feelings will only nag away at you, making you more miserable and drinking more. You have got which many of us would die for, a supportive wife, have fun Constance, find your ‘zone’, take it easy, dont rush, its not a race, take it slowly, one day at a time, little victories, are huge confidence builders and will put your mind in a happier place 🙂
Wishing you well and to a happy future.
Fiona xxx
Thank you Fiona for the advice. I started thinking about something you said, maybe all of this has been suppressed for all of these years. When I was young I never had a desire to wear women’s clothes. In my early twenties I remember about every two to three years I would have the urge to put on a bra. It would last about a couple of days then nothing for another three years. I don’t know what happened, I did nothing until about I was late fourties. Maybe my subconscious suppressed it for all that time. Wish it kept it there. But it didn’t, so I have to deal with it. With the overflowing of support that’s been given to me I feel I may be able to handle it. Hopefully soon. Constance
Constance-I think this is the case for many of us; societal pressures and approbation from those in our lives drive the need/desire underground. But it is like a forest fire that is smoldering beneath the surface in the roots of the trees-ready to burst into a huge conflagration once it gets a fresh infusion of oxygen. I had always thought when I got married the need would disappear but it was less than a year into the marriage that I discovered the folly of believing that. And now I have indeed truly come to accept that Cyn is a major part-perhaps THE major part of who I am and embodies many of the qualities that I think makes me a human being of value and worth. Be proud of who you are!
Cyn
Constance,
I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. I too have been dealing a sudden urge to cross dress here in my late 50’s! I’m slowly coming to accept that this is a part of me that has always been there.
I will repeat what everyone else has said: you are not alone! Almost all of us have (and continue to) struggle with the same questions about identity and accompanying feelings of doubt and shame. The path to self-acceptance is a long one – whether the issue is cross dressing or something else.
We are all fragile and flawed humans – have compassion for yourself first and foremost. Get help for the drinking drinking – not only is it bad for your mental and physical health, but walking in high heels is hard enough as it is 🙂
My heart goes out to you. You are blessed in having a supportive wife and now you have found an amazing supportive community here at CDH as well.
Just take it a day at a time – I pray you will find the peace you are seeking.
Love,
Mona
Hi Constance,
Don’t beat yourself up or abuse yourself over this. It is not a “choice” but I truly believe part of our genetic make up. Nothing to do with our parents, where we are from or grew up. That is why there are so many of us, wonderful and fabulous gurls out there!
Clean yourself up, dress when you feel like it and do what feels good. Be thankful you have an understanding SO, mine is not.
At your age (I am older) this is something that’s been in you all along. There was probably a trigger of sorts that brought it closer to the surface, that is okay.
It is also okay to come here an “rant”, ask for help and advice. We all do that! CDH and the people here are wonderful for that.
Enjoy yourself, have fun and feel good! You deserve to!
Rebekka!
- You are doing nothing wrong wearing clothes that you like.
- See 1.
Love Laura
You have to be honest with your self.
Do you like to dress because thats what you enjoy either physically or sexually?
Do you feel like you’re a women trapped in a mens body?
Either way is ok but do not try to suppress it with alcohol or illegal drugs that never works. If you are struggling with those questions then please seek some help to understand you. Talking to us is a good start but a therapist would be better. There is nothing wrong with crossdressing or transgender people. You state “you were a guy or a girl”. Clothes are not going to change that. You seem to have a great wife who supports you. You should feel free and be happy to express yourself.
Constance,
I struggled with guilt and shame over my CD/TG feelings alone for many years and I too didn’t think counseling was for me. If I couldn’t tell someone close to me about my issue, how could I talk to a stranger?But that is actually what is freeing about it-I can tell my counselor ANYTHING without fear of being judged or condemned. I finally gave in and started counseling when life lammed me to the ground in 2011-2 and kicked me again while I was down. I wrote an article about it here https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/starting-counseling-and-the-road-to-recovery/ and I think it might help you change your mind about seeing a counselor. It is never good to go through things like this alone as it can spiral downward quickly if you don’t have help and encouragement from someone trained to help you find yourself and accept yourself as someone with great worth. I also posted this article which I found reminding us that it is a sign of strength not of weakness to sek out and allow someone to help. https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/no-shame-in-asking-for-help-when-you-need-it-we-want-to-help-you/I hope the encouragement and support you get here helps you realize how special you are and accept that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
CynHi
self acceptance is a bitch isn’t it
would have to say I struggle with my femme side all the time as well. Not to the point of drinking as I have seen the damage it does to families 1st hand so its never worth it. You need to not just call yourself a cross dresser but work towards finding a level in your life where the male and female parts of your makeup can co-exist comfortably. My wife knows about me and occasionally buys me things, accepting though not really supporting but like yourself I struggle more with my CD than she does. Sit down with your wife and explain the issues you personally have with this and get her view on life …it may help
try to work out if you need to pass as a woman or happy with man in a dress. Man in a dress is where I sit I have decided … I have no need to pass formally as a woman, I enjoy my Lacey time when I can get it. Don’t tend to rub the wife’s face in it, but still seek her approval often which annoys her more than the dressing … it’s the way we are wired.
Here if you need to chat
Lacey
Hi Lacey. You are correct, self acceptance can be a bitch. A lot of ladies here have said that I need to sit down with my wife and talk about it. I have several times and even though we can’t come up with a answer she always tells me that there is nothing wrong with me. It’s something I’m going to have accept on my own time. after being on here and seeing that there so many others that enjoy dressing and having some of the same questions and concerns that I have I don’t feel alone anymore. The support that you and others have given me really helps. It’s just a matter of time. Constance.
Good Morning Constance
First off I success Alcoholics Anonymous, I have been Sober and clean for 37 years. They saved my Life.
As far as crossdressing goes, we are what we are. I have been crossdressing most all my life. Why the way I am, my best answer, God made me this way. I do not think anyone has a firm answer to why we crossdress. As for my self, I love dressing as a woman and I’m hoping that if I come back in my next lifetime I come back as a woman. Then I will not have to fake it. You are in the right place as far getting good info. You will find other Ladies that are going thru the same thing you are going thru. You are not alone, stay with us. At least you have the support of your wife, which is very important.
Drop me a line any time.
Love, VickiHi vicki. Congratulations on 37 years of being sober. So far the advice and support I’ve received is helping. As for the drinking, I’m not doing it all the time. Usually one night a week and usually one night on the weekend, sometimes both nights. I’m not trying to justify my drinking but the way I put it out there it made it sound like I did every night. As I have said in other replies it’s going to take time. Thank you for reaching out. Constance
Constance: I’ve had a hard time dealing with dressing for years, including the feeling that ‘I’m just a guy wearing women’s clothes’. I don’t believe I’ll feel like a woman until I go all the way with wig, makeup, etc. But that’s just me, and whether or not I actually get there is yet to be determined. But I’ve needed help in figuring things out, and I’ve done that through reading, therapy, and seeking support from CDH, which I signed up for relatively recently. You have made a good step to do that! This journey of mine has taken and will continue to take time, as I suspect is the case for most people on this site. I would urge you to seek the help and support that you believe is best for you, and more importantly to give it the time that it needs. You’ll get there.
I wish you all the best.
Connie Sandon
Thank you Connie.
Hi Constance,
I identify with a lot of what you say. Before I got into my dresses, my wife had encouraged me to be open if I wanted to dress further and that I should tell her, but I was not in a place to accept that I like to cross dress myself. Hiding it was an easy way not to admit it to myself or her and at the same time it scratched the itch to dress. She was initially more accepting of it than I was. I don’t know why I have such an issue with it but I do. Intellectually I know there’s nothing wrong with me, but emotionally I feel like there’s something very wrong with me even though I know it’s not true. You’re okay, and there’s nothing wrong with you. I’m still working through a lot of internal issues with professional help and the support of my wife. I might very well work on these issues for years, but I work towards my own acceptance above all else.
It’s true like you said; talking with your wife about how you feel could help out a lot. For instance, I hadn’t realized that some of my issues stemmed from my judgement that my wife would feel less attracted to me as a man because I like to wear dresses. If I hadn’t shared my fear with her then I would never know have known how untrue that judgement is.
I hope you find acceptance and peace for yourself. It’s all a work in progress.
– Lilly
Thank you for sharing your story Lilly, as you and others have said I need to accept who and what I am. I really want to see that happen, but for now I don’t know when. I have spoken with my wife about how I feel and as of now we don’t have a answer. But she always tells me that there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe one day that phrase will sink in. Thank you for reaching out, everyone that has is making this journey a little bit easier. Constance
Please let this sink into your head: There is nothing wrong with you! If you ever feel like you need a reminder of that send me a message.
We live in a society were so many clear lines have been drawn that if you cross those lines you are violating some kind of credo. You are not normal, a freak, a criminal. Times they are a changing my friend. There are no clear lines. Boys can like dolls and girls can like cars. Men can wear dresses and woman have certainly worn pants without any problem. If your wife accepts it, be proud and happy that you have such an understanding wife and make yourself happy.
I get that when you walk outside you may feel threatened by the idiots that occupy the world out there. You need to decide how much of that is a threat to you before emerging as the beautiful butterfly you want to be. But stop thinking that there is something wrong with you. There IS something wrong; it is wrong that we must even consider any level of shame, fear of rejection, bullying or anything else. You are you so be you and feel good about it to the furthest extent you can. Oh and please have a very open discussion with your wife, that should help as she is a huge part of this. Happy wife – – happy life!!
Hi Nayomi. I agree with you that society has put you in a category. You are a man you act and dress this way, a woman you act and dress that way. But I’ve noticed that if a woman puts on a pair of jeans and a guy’s shirt or t-shirt, a baseball cap and boots or sneakers then that hot. But if a guy is in anything that’s close to feminine, oh man, he must be a homo, or mentally ill. I live in a small southern town, as a lot of guys here when were in our late teens early twenties I would be right there with them talking crap about the people who were “different.” I’m thinking that’s part of my problem. This is payback for what I did in the past. Now I’m one of “them”. I am not going out dressed around here. I know too many people and no one knows anything about this. Not even my family. Again I grew up in this town so I know how most people will react. I do wear my diamond ring with my wedding ring out a lot. But if I see someone I know I’ll take it off. I live out in the country so I can walk around in the back yard and out to the garage without being seen, and that does feel good. The only time I went out wearing something girly was a black T-shirt that is cut low in the back with two peices of material in a x pattern holding it together. I wanted to wear it out for dinner. My wife was very reluctant for me to do it because we know people and possibly a reaction from someone. I have long hair so I told her it would cover the back of the shirt and no one will notice. She gave in and we went out. The place we eat knows that I don’t like to sit around people when we are there. While we were there part of me was nervous and the other was if you don’t like it then go the hell on. We are moving in a couple of years and I told her that when we do I’m not going to hide it that much. Well I’ve rambled on enough. This is great therapy. Constance
My love, this is our unfortunate truth. I don’t have real statistics but I would say this is a similar situation for most male CDs. There are sooo many that would love to hug you right now to let you know that you are not alone and we are a sisterhood of common understanding. Moving to a new place where you can wear a new face sounds like a great plan. Keep your skirt short, tits out, and heals high, someday you’ll touch the sky!
I meant heels high but heals could be something many of our emotions could use. Group hug!!!!
Hey, I had to get my drinking under control many years ago. When I’d had a good drink it heightened my cross dressing urges to the distraction of Wife and home. I abused the good fortune of my supportive SO. Selfish. I’ve never tried or wanted to pass, I’m the classic man in a dress that enjoys the sensations of femme. I think we all have ‘what the hell am I doing’ times when dressing but we are what we are at the end of the day.
That was a tough one but when I was 5 years old casino Pier pantyhose in the bathroom for whatever reason I put them on I was hooked as a child anytime I was alone I was wearing pantyhose then obviously it went to panties dresses heels make up everythin I was so ashamed The guilt was hard to bear but I still couldn’t stop my obsession later I found out what a crossdresser was and even though I didn’t admit it to anybody I’ve always admitted it to myself I am a crossdresser I’m proud of it but so very scared to let the people closest to me know so confused Jasmine
I did get out. Now I live in a town of fifty two thousand. ( Nothing like Chicago.) I’m about a two and a half hours away from a city where I can find others like us. I’m willing to travel. As of now it doesn’t look like I’ll be going out dressed. Maybe one day I’ll get over my fear’s. Everyone in the world can accept me for who I am, but it doesn’t mean anything until I can accept it. Working on it, just not there yet. Thanks for the encouraging words. Love, Constance.
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