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Since the age of five I’ve literally ached to be a girl. At about that age, I remember telling my mom that I thought my little sister’s clothes were pretty. She laughed and asked me if I wished I could wear clothes like that. I unashamedly said “yes”! We both laughed and that was the end of it. Or, at least it was for my mother.
On another occasion, my younger brother and I were watching Mom putting on makeup before going to work. I was especially fascinated by her bright red lipstick and asked if she would put some on my lips. She laughed and said, “Boys don’t wear lipstick!” Nonetheless, she “touched up” both my brother’s and my lips with the wonderful red color. Fifty-three years later, I can still recall the taste and smell of her lipstick and how I thought it was wonderful. My brother quickly wiped his off, but I kept mine on for as long as lipstick could last on a five-year old; admiring my reflection in every mirror in the house.
My brother and I – like all children – would occasionally play “Daddy and Mommy”. He would put on one of my dad’s big t-shirts that sported a muscle car logo and a pair of his cowboy boots, and I would wear the frilliest dress I could find and a pair of high heels. It always worked out well, because he never challenged me when I’d say, “I get to be mommy”! I wonder if he recalls our little games and whether he’s ever suspected how much our playing “dress up” became such an integral part of who I am today. If he has, he’s never mentioned it.
Puberty and my teen years only intensified my desire for womanhood and my craving for all things feminine. I realize today, of course, that it’s a big “no-no” to borrow clothes and makeup from other girls without their permission – but at the time, what other choice did I have? At home I would wear my mother’s and my sister’s clothes at every opportunity and sneak a little lipstick and mascara from time-to time. Although I’m not proud of it, during my adolescent years I borrowed dresses, bras, panties and lingerie from all of my aunts and all of my female cousins – not to mention raiding the closets of my friends’ sisters and mothers. Amazingly, although there were some close calls, I was never caught in the act. Looking back now, I sometimes think it may have been better if I had been found out!
Over the course of two failed marriages, my dressing continued in secret – although there was one time that as a “joke” on my first wife, I put on a sexy baby-doll nightie and surprised her as she pulled back the covers to get into bed. She thought it was funny and told me I was “cute” but insisted that I take it off before making love.
Today, I realize that I should not have kept the real me a secret from either of those two beautiful women…and now, as I’ve become totally accepting of who I am, I’m no longer scared to open the door that once opened cannot be closed…nor do I want to ever close it.
In the past year, I’ve actually done things I’d only dreamed of doing. Not long ago, I went to a salon for a full makeover. I went dressed totally as a woman, and after my makeover, went shopping at the mall. It was exhilarating! The only “uncertainty” popped up when I decided to use a “family” restroom instead of the ladies’ room.
I’ve shopped regularly at stores, both dressed and “in drab” (as they say) shopping for shoes and clothing. I’ve had personal bra fittings at Victoria’s Secret, Soma and Lane Bryant; and have spent several wonderful hours with the sales ladies at Chico’s on dress-buying trips. (They know me by name…lol!)
Anyway – I’m sorry that I’ve rambled on…but I’m enjoying this breath-taking (and heart-stopping at times) journey…and I hope to make some real friends to share it with!
Thank you, Cherrie…I’m excited to be here!
Shawna, Wonderful to have you here with us. Many girls to chat ,make friends with and much to read through our forums and such. So get settled and start enjoying being part of a place to express your inner feelings and share them with gals that support and understand our needs for dressing. Happy to welcome you here with us. Hugs!
Stephanie 🌹
Thank you for welcoming me, Stephanie! I’m super excited to have found this wonderful site!
Thank you, Michelle!
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