• This topic has 20 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 6 months ago by Anonymous.
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  • #360391
    Meegan Rains
    Participant
    Registered On: July 3, 2020
    Topics: 2
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    Been thanked: 36 times

    Hi my name is Meegan (sometimes), I’m 33 from Texas. I’ve been dressing off and on since I was probably 5 or 6 years old. It’s something that I’ve always surpressed and kept to myself. I was married(technically still am) since 2014. My wife came out to me as bisexual in September 2019,which was very devistating to me(not that she was bi, but she wanted to explore being with other people). On the plus side it has gotten me to go to a therapist. In January 2020 she came out to me as lesbian and we decided it was best to divorce after several marriage counseling attempts(we still live with each other). A week after our decision to divorce I felt like I had to come clean and tell her about my crossdressing. She took it ok but was very unsure about it, which I think is understandable. We didn’t really discuss it much until recently. She has since been ok with it for the most part.

    I managed to come up with the courage to tell my therapist about it in early may. My therapist tells me that I need to accept that side of me rather than feeling ashamed and guilty. When I told my therapist it would have been a time that I would’ve normally purged all my stuff(but I didn’t). I was feeling really down in myself. Lately I’ve been feeling better and have been trying to get some kind of support going. I joined an online trans support group last night, but I didn’t talk much. I have a really difficult time talking about this stuff even if I know it would be a safe space.

    I’ve even done an interview on a podcast about Crossdressing. I’ve really been trying to accept myself, but damn that’s really hard.

    One day I would like to be able to not feel so ashamed of myself. I think that would do wonders me.

Viewing 19 reply threads
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    • #378995
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 1
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      Hello Meegan, welcome to CDH..

      There is no need to be ashamed…

      Just be yourself…

      Just be YOU….

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378628
      Teralynn Loving
      Lady
      Registered On: October 17, 2019
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 1103
      Has thanked: 8749 times
      Been thanked: 2019 times

      Tzoi Teralynn, here! Retired Marine! My war years were spent in Vietnam not the Middle East! I just wanted to thank you for a well written and meaningful post! I am so glad you are finding that transition is bringing you to a better place in life. I never had all the problems you have experienced but I will say that finding out about Teralynn has changed my personality for the better! It is so unfortunate that we live in a world where other people have nothing better to do than criticize and threaten people who are different than they are! Aren’t there enough problems in each person’s life that need attending to without feeling the need to persecute someone else because they are different? Good luck with the rest of your crossdressing journey Taoism from one veteran to another! – Blessings from Teralynn

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #378572
      Tzoi Heartthrob
      Lady
      Registered On: December 25, 2018
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 1 time
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      I think it is most likely possible we all do things for different reasons so please try to realize this is only my own opinion. For ME, I started cross dressing after I was raped in the Army. In the Army I was exposed to other psychological traumas. After the Army ( actually while in the Reserves still ) I was a Commercial Diver and there again even more psychological traumas like holding a partner by his ass 500 miles NE of Maui in 17960 feet of water while two Giant Squid de-boned him to stew size pieces. As the years ticked by and my uncanny affinity to take jobs where living another day every day was unlikely, the more I was obsessed with lighting up my feminine in private. In 1991 in my PTSD Groups in Hawaii I noticed the guys that ” went there ” announcing they were ‘gay’ and left the Group, or announced ” screw y’all I’m getting a sex change ” and left, I kept an eye on them. Living on Islands for 25 years you know nobody can hide on an island. Its like prison. The ones that were obviously working the feminine in them and especially the HRT ( taking hormones for transgender expedition ) ones no longer had those PTSD issues ( ie.  explosive psychotic violent episodes ). I am adept at doing research and dug up Papers on Estrogen and how the Endocrine works in the Neuroendocrine with PTSD. I have what was originally called Dissociative Anxiety Disorder aka Multiple Personality Disorder. Neither are recognized by Psychiatry anymore as being ” real ” or possible disorders. Well, I have no respect for Puppy-Mill Psychiatry either. Dope Pushers for the Big Pharm Mob. I also have injuries from being shot in the abdomen and stabbed with a bayonet where I get two or three times a year Orchitis, Hydrocele, Epididymitis, Cellulitis where my hanging parts get incredibly and painfully swollen and gangrene sets in. The VA does not treat internal fungal infections. Which I have from surgical packing left in my wounds in surgical error. This packing morphed into a chronic deep internal fungal infection that clogs the lymph’s, so bacterial infections get in and cause the Cellulitis. After almost 30 years of this and perpetually being threatened with ” you are going to lose all that eventually you best learn your dress size ” and being unable to get any internal anti-fungal treatment I finally said okay take it off! It freaking HURTS!!! And sex is out of the question. Back to my studies on Estrogen I finally thought well hey, you know what Estrogen does for PTSD kill two birds with one stone. Do the whole MTF Transition thing. The first day on Estradiol I immediately noticed the effects I got from cross dressing; it calmed me, made me feel good. The drawback unless saving money is considered is, I also no longer had the obsession and need for my makeup and dress fix. Like now its so hot I do not feel like doing makeup or anything, but the Estradiol and Finasteride do the job. I am getting breasts in a hurry. I get freaky looks if I go out shirtless on my balcony for instance. Just to avoid confusion I think out of necessity in public I will have to make it obvious I am in transition. This is not a good neighborhood for going out solo made up. Its Texas. Some of the most ignorant think its macho and manly to beat to death Transgender people. I was an Army Ranger among other things ” manly ” and have nothing to prove to anybody. Being a killer is not ” manly “. Its painful. My opinion again is if you are troubled with your need to cross dress try going to a place like I have here KIND Clinic and talk to a specialist. I wish I had immediately ” went there “. I know for me Estrogen is what my endocrine sought for my mental and emotional trauma. Gender and sexual orientation in my mind are completely different realms of exploration. Dressing up and surgery in my opinion do not make a woman. I like how Judith Butler presents Gender to be questioned. If dressing up makes you feel better then by golly do it! If its easier to think you are a woman run with it! Whatever works work it! Be YOU! Whatever that is. Be easy on yourself too. Its very easy to get all caught up in Pronouns, and Definitions. I am not a Word. I am not Definable. I am ME. Whatever that is I have to live with and ultimately die with and it is nobody else’s business to tell me otherwise! Most Transgender folks have a story. I do. A Journey. My recommendation is do not put anything off in your Journey. Get up every day with that Explorers enthusiastic determination to be the happiest YOU there is. Fear nothing. Reach out to others always, your real support and true friends will never leave you or you them. Go for it! Another word here. The folks in this COMMUNITY are the most strong spine’d upright fighters and supporters I have ever had the honor and pleasure to mingle with and get to know. Go to meetings with other Kin. We are Family. And we are changing the World for our sake and everybody else’s too whether they know it yet or not. We ought to not have to fear being whatever we are. If words need to redefined, MACHO will have a Pronoun of Neither, Nor, Either, Or..? Love ya

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378527
      Samantha Roarke
      Ambassador
      Registered On: April 17, 2019
      Topics: 43
      Replies: 1383
      Has thanked: 4263 times
      Been thanked: 3001 times

      Hi, hello, and welcome to Crossdresser Heaven! You have just arrived at the best and greatest CD site on the web! CDH has tons of very helpful crossdressing information, tips, and support from real people just like you! We highly encourage new CDH members to ask questions no matter how trivial you think they may be, as we are happy to answer to the best of our ability. We also love a well written profile, this helps everyone to get to know you better as the beautiful woman you are! We hope that you enjoy your stay here at CDH, as we are happy to have you as a part of our wonderful community.

      Thank you, Samantha Roarke

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #378494
      Sara Miller
      Lady
      Registered On: October 17, 2017
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 12
      Has thanked: 99 times
      Been thanked: 145 times

      Welcome, it is a wonderful place to come to and feel welcome and safe.

      Sincerely Sara

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378488
      Heather Harrison
      Lady
      Registered On: August 3, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 128
      Has thanked: 782 times
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      Howdy Meegan,

      Welcome to our merry little band! This is a wonderful place with fantastic girls here that are willing to support others.

      This is a life long journey and yes, with personal growth, there always seems to be some pain involved in the process. It sounds like you have taken some very important steps on a journey to become and accept the “real you”.

      Thank you for the depth of your introduction. If I can be of any help, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

      Heather

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378484
      Tabitha Tee
      Lady
      Registered On: July 30, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 291
      Has thanked: 1340 times
      Been thanked: 960 times

      Hi, Meegan! I hope you feel welcome here.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378386
      Elle2015
      Lady
      Registered On: August 27, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 1 time
      Been thanked: 3 times

      I used to feel ashamed sometimes too. But my wife is more accepting now and even helps me. I urged her to participate and she now has a better understanding of me. Ps. Also in the Lone star state.

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378385
      Elle2015
      Lady
      Registered On: August 27, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 1 time
      Been thanked: 3 times

      I used to feel ashamed sometimes too. But my wife is more accepting now and even helps me. I urged her to participate and she now has a better understanding of me.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #378365
      Sandy Jayson
      Duchess
      Registered On: September 29, 2019
      Topics: 17
      Replies: 401
      Has thanked: 823 times
      Been thanked: 1745 times

      Please Meegan don’t be to ashamed.  I know from experience that is hard to get past the shame.   With the help and advice from everyone here on CDH I am close to stepping to the next level myself.  We will all help you all  we can.

      Best of luck     Sandy

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #378268
      Tess Scott
      Lady
      Registered On: November 13, 2019
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 5 times

      We should get together and have a chat sometime

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #361041
      Michelle Newman
      Lady
      Registered On: June 22, 2017
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 2881
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 2119 times

      Welcome Meegan!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #360648
      Tess Scott
      Lady
      Registered On: November 13, 2019
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 2
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 5 times

      Been a cross-dresser for all my life and i really love it. So freeing to be totally feminine.  I am in The Woodlands. What can i do to help you?

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360607
      Jessica James
      Registered On: July 10, 2019
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 622
      Has thanked: 745 times
      Been thanked: 1232 times

      Hi Meegan,

      Hello and welcome from the U.K. it is really nice to meet you.

      Thank you for the in-depth introduction, it sounds like you have been going through a challenging time, I hope things work out for you.  There are lots of nice girls here who will offer friendship and support.

      I know how you feel about finding it difficult to talk to others about your crossdressing but this is a safe place, I am always happy to chat so please feel free to get in touch.

      Jessica x.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360457
      Stephanie Bass
      Princess - Annual
      Registered On: November 30, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 1313
      Has thanked: 13019 times
      Been thanked: 4262 times

      Hi Meegan nice meeting you and glad you joined us girls here. I feel for you girlfriend and hope things will ease up and work out like others have said look around and explore this wonderful place their are many wonderful girls here to chat with ask advice from and become friends with . This journey you started is a life long commitment to your inner girlfriend as she is in your heart and sole . Please take your time with wife and your self to hope things work out for you and again nice meeting you pm anytime.
      Stephanie Bass

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360451
      Bettylou Cox
      Duchess
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 18
      Replies: 1834
      Has thanked: 3389 times
      Been thanked: 6286 times

      Hi Meegan,

      And a big Texas welcome from another local girl.  Bettylou began to take control of my life less than 5 years ago, and I also had feelings of guilt and shame at first; but I have recently realized that you can be different and still be “normal”.  This thing we do is neither illegal nor immoral, and deserves to be accepted as such.  I am finally at peace with myself to the extent I can now go out in public fully Dressed, or sometimes as just a guy in a skirt, and be comfortable.  You can reach the same level of self-acceptance, and CDH is a fine place to do it.

      Hugs,

      Bettylou

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360420
      Alice Underwire
      Lady
      Registered On: September 16, 2019
      Topics: 20
      Replies: 2707
      Has thanked: 1893 times
      Been thanked: 5451 times

      Hi Meegan,

      Welcome to CDH.

      Alice

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #360410
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 700
      Has thanked: 8063 times
      Been thanked: 3831 times

      Hi Meegan,

      Welcome to this nice website! I didn’t accept myself until February of this year and I’m 59. I have been in counseling for many years and reading self help books. It can take a while until something works. Don’t give up!

      Hugs,

      Kay

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360409
      Teralynn Loving
      Lady
      Registered On: October 17, 2019
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 1103
      Has thanked: 8749 times
      Been thanked: 2019 times

      Hi Meegan, Teralynn here. Welcome to our wonderful online community. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am way behind in sending out welcoming posts but when I read your introduction post I knew I wanted to reach out to you right away. For anyone to find out from a significant other that they want to sleep with other people can be a devastating thing to deal with no matter if you are a crossdressing person, gay, straight, lesbian or whatever. So my heart went out to you the moment I read about it! Also your therapist was right on the money by telling you try and get rid of those shame and guilt feelings. Forget what your parents or friends might have told you, or what our culture says is appropriate behavior! This is your life and you must live it in a way that will make you happy and productive. The only way to evolve during your life on this planet is to learn how to live and let live and not be bothered by how others would have you live. Here at CDH your sisters will accept you just as you are! Assistance you need with your crossdressing journey can be obtained from our members. So ask questions, share experiences, get tips and advice and make a few friends. There are plenty of us to choose from and you really can’t make a bad choice. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. A post on my home profile page wall or a private message will get the fastest response. – Blessings

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #360401
      Stephanie Flowers
      Ambassador
      Registered On: June 26, 2017
      Topics: 26
      Replies: 4821
      Has thanked: 8341 times
      Been thanked: 8371 times

      Meegan

      welcome,  never feel afraid or nervous  about who you feel you’ll wanted to be here with us all. Many here are in the same way and have in time learned that there’s nothing to be worry about.

      Many seek help with online support sites and as yourself counseling. Important to   seek these answers and receive better understanding of what all this truly means to you and where it may be heading. You have found a wonderful place where hopefully many of your concerns. The girls here are wonderful in making one feel most comfortable and welcome. The support is always felt and help to better understand and deal with this amazing time. Chat with and with some make beautiful friendships . Your not alone and here express yourself with pride and confinance to explore further in this wonderful world. Happy to meet you and hope to see you around here soon.  Hugs!

      Stephanie 🌹

       

      3 users thanked author for this post.
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