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  • #645465
    Barbie Satin
    Participant
    Registered On: May 15, 2022
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 193
    Has thanked: 443 times
    Been thanked: 657 times

    This is a very difficult introduction to write. I am very lost and feeling very alone. I am going to be 62 next month and have not dressed in years. I found myself in a desperate struggle to simply survive as my entire world collapsed back in 08 when I was 48 and I lost everything.

    I want to dress again but I am on a very limited income I don’t even know how to begin again at my age. I was a fetish girl and only owned fetish wear. I can never be the girl I once was again. For years I could not bring myself to even look at the photos I have of myself as Barbie. It just hurt so much to look at my old photos and then look into a mirror and know it was now beyond me to ever be that person again.

    I want to be Barbie again in some form but I don’t even know where to begin. If I do manage it then where would I go to meet other CD’s? I would love to have some CD girlfriends to just hang out and talk with. 20 years ago I would go out dressed all the time and knew so many girls!

    I feel like I have been asleep for years and have woken up in a world so changed that nothing makes sense to me. I was a lingerie only CD very in the closet in my 20’s and early to mid 30’s. I was 35 when I began playing with make up and dressing. That was in 1995

    I took a few awful self photos. I had no clue what I was doing with make up. I took a chance and ran the photos is some of the contact magazines of the time and was soon making my first outing into the real world just to drive to another CD’s home about 40 miles away and I was terrified to the point where I had a panic attack and almost threw up.

    Two years later I was working as Mistress Barbie at a dungeon in New York City. Before I became Barbie I was like a lot of CD’s who buy the magazines to look at the T girls leading the kind of life I dreamed of. I wanted to be the cover girl with a life of adventure.

    As a 6’6 tall former former bodybuilder I knew my dreams of being the hot T girl on the covers and having a job working in a dungeon like the girls I wanted to be like. I always thought I was so ugly there was no point in even trying to be pretty.

    I found myself just two over two years out that I had made my fantasies real and I was on the covers of Adam as Eve and Feminine Illusion at the same time. I walked through the massive packed lobby of the Marriott Marquis in Times Square in a hot pink latex mini dress and thigh boots that year. I went out all over NYC having wild adventures as Barbie.

    At 41 I did the unthinkable and got 700cc implants as a CD. I had to have them removed and that was a nightmare in itself.

    I want to make some CD friends but have found it to be difficult. Most girls when they leave the closet take baby steps and do it sensibly. When I did it I dove into the deep end of pool to either drown or swim and did I ever swim. Now all I can do is drown.

     

     

    <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

Viewing 10 reply threads
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    • #646440
      Raquel Smith
      Lady
      Registered On: August 26, 2021
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 810
      Has thanked: 2881 times
      Been thanked: 2677 times

      Hi Barbie,

      You have quite a background. Most of us here are simple girls, either in or out of the closet, with or without the support of our SO. Many of us are “ahem” advanced in age. Some are younger and just starting out. And yes, there are some who live 24/7 as their feminine self.

      It really doesn’t matter. We’re here to just support and help each other. I hope you find some inner peace and joy, crossdressing and being yourself, again.

      Much love,
      Raquel

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #646714
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Raquel

        I am getting up there in age myself. I spent many years in the closet before I kicked the door down. I was 35 when I walked out my door for the first time with my head full of all kinds of crazy and unrealistic fantasies.

        I have already discovered what a wonderful group of girls are here. I hope I can contribute with what I learned in my former life when I was out in the world. I actually managed to make all those impossible grandiose fantasies become reality. I learned a lot on my journey and hope to pass some of it along.

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #646389
      Penny PURTY
      Registered On: February 10, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 89
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 343 times

      Barbie

      Ive read your story and just let it go,thinking like what the heck. But ive come back to it again reading and thinking about everything you put out there. I’m sure everything you discussed in your intro is real amd i am reaching out to you because although I tried many times myself to cave in and just wish i could have the confidence that you had back then and gone and dressed and gone out more, but i didn’t have the confidence. Im just letting you know that I felt truly touched after re-reading many times your intro and i am touched and feel for you.i dont want to keep rambling on, but just sending this to you comforts me.

      Penny

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #646400
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Penny!

        Can I send you a big giant hug please? That was very kind of you. You deserve the most honest answer I can give. I never had any confidence in myself as man. No matter how fast or strong I got it was never fast enough to run from my true nature.

        My story reads like TG fantasy fiction. I left quite an Internet trail of my exploits with photos. I am sitting here trying to come up with a good answer about how I found the confidence. I would say that it built more quickly in me than in some girls because I backed myself into a corner where it was gain confidence or starve.

        I had no day job and ran a few personal ads with my awful early photos advertising my self as a CD Dominatrix. If I wanted to make a living I had to make myself walk out the door and drive to a motel to see the client.

        I kept working hard on my look and took more photos and submitted more ads. Then a few magazines used my photos on the covers. One year out of the closet I found a job one day a week as a dominatrix at a dungeon about 220 miles from home. I made the commute.

        I met some fun people there and began having a life as Barbie among them. I had some minor adventures that year. I was also making a living at it. That alone is a huge confidence builder.

        In January of 97 less than two years out I made it all real and had a year that was really quite epic in scope. Along my journey the gain in confidence was not something I noticed. I noticed when I would back slide and my heart would be in my throat.

        I was never once fully confident but I was great at faking it. I needed validation and pursued it with an obsession that bordered on madness. In all honesty my getting breast implants as a 6’6 tall CD was not the smartest thing I have ever done.

        I actually lost confidence in myself when I had a brilliant make up artist and hair dresser working with me. People expect you to look like you do in your photos when you wake up in the morning and that’s crazy. I needed him to do my transformation  to the level in the photos so I became a recluse.

        Over the years I have had many girls tell me they want to follow in my footsteps. I always tell them they need to think hard where those steps took me in the end before following me.

        Love

        Barbie

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #646791
          Venus Envy
          Lady
          Registered On: April 9, 2022
          Topics: 0
          Replies: 23
          Has thanked: 11 times
          Been thanked: 83 times

          I immediately recognized your name.
          From my totally closet days.
          Know we’re here to support you wherever you are now and wherever you want to go!

          2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #646812
            Barbie Satin
            Registered On: May 15, 2022
            Topics: 1
            Replies: 193
            Has thanked: 443 times
            Been thanked: 657 times

             

            <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Venus!

            You are all so nice here!

            <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

            1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #645640
      Paulette Parfois
      Duchess
      Registered On: November 17, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 400
      Has thanked: 1323 times
      Been thanked: 1405 times

      Hi Barbie, and welcome. Wow! We have so much in common it is probably better to compare notes in a private message. Your photo is absolutely fabulous. I am a senior who only recently returned to crossdressing. I decided I was gong to try my best to look younger and as feminine as I could. I have spent hours practicing with makeup and face-lift tape and have reached a point where I think Paulette looks a lot younger than her 74 year old male counterpart. All I know is when I am Paulette I am much more relaxed and all the problems and cares seem to evaporate. My biggest challenge is with my work schedule (I still work full time) has gotten so busy, and with numerous daily Zoom and Webex calls, I have less and less time to be in “Paulette Mode”. I look forward to hearing more from you. Hugs, Paulette

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645615
      Brielle Ross
      Duchess
      Registered On: August 14, 2021
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 454
      Has thanked: 2268 times
      Been thanked: 1919 times

      Hi Barbie, wow, girl, you have had a lot going on! Kudos to you going after your dreams and getting there!!

      Sorry to hear you had to take a different path. You have a safe haven here and lots of like-minded people who are here for each other to listen, affirm, console, and celebrate with. Hope you find it a great place to reconnect!

      Hugs,

      Brie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #645660
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Brie!

        This does seem like a wonderful place and everyone is so nice. I just know I need to be a part of it all again.

        Love

        Barbie

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645599
      Michelle McQueen
      Lady
      Registered On: June 14, 2021
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 1298
      Has thanked: 8119 times
      Been thanked: 6448 times

      So sorry to hear of your situation. You were certainly a knock out back in the day. One of the hardest things any female or even a CD has to deal with is becoming more mature in age and physical looks. It gets harder to become close to what we used to look like. I know first hand because I’m a mature CD too and even older than you. Time waits for no one.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645596
      Isshe
      Lady
      Registered On: January 2, 2022
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 80
      Has thanked: 377 times
      Been thanked: 229 times

      I am sorry to hear of your misfortune. I am sure the ladies on here will give you plenty of support and encouregrment and help you to find a new you. Drop me a line if you would like to chat.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #645586
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 1030
      Has thanked: 3934 times
      Been thanked: 4802 times

      You have a wonderful past and while you cherish those memories life has changed. You may feel faded but it is not too late to resurrect that image of a glamorous lady but time appropriate. Maybe a pink latex dress isn’t appropriate but there are many outlets that have affordable clothes that would suit you as it doesn’t cost a fortune to look good. Find a look that is comfortable, sit back and enjoy those great memories.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #645666
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Angela

        I will be trying some thrift stores. At 6’6 tall finding things that fit could be a challenge. I am actually going to feel nervous shopping for things. It is like starting all over again.

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #645498
      Corinne
      Lady
      Registered On: May 12, 2022
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 17
      Has thanked: 55 times
      Been thanked: 93 times

      Hi there!

      Don’t be down on yourself like that, girl. What we have is deep within, and no one or nothing can ever take that away from you. Looks and styles evolve over time, and there’s strictly nothing that says you can’t look as smashing as you did before. It will only be a different look, but the same girl inside.

      I do a lot of my shopping online at Sak’s Off Fifth, and Nordstrom. They always have plenty of great stuff on clearance, and super good deals to be had specially between seasons.

      Looking forward to hearing more about your new journey. Just don’t forget that beauty comes from within, although in your case, you seem to also be blessed with physical beauty!

      Hugs

      Corinne

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #645504
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Corinne

        I am afraid my NYC days are long behind me. The last time I was in the city was in 2002. I had all kinds of wild adventures out in the bad old NYC of the 90’s before Rudy ran us all out of town. I would love to see the city again but I an a heart failure patient and that makes a lot of things very difficult.

        I would so love to see the new midtown skyline where my favorite skyscraper now looks short. I worked on 30th Street and 5th Ave and I also crashed there at night so I was three blocks from The Empire State Building. At night we could see the lights on top reflected in the glass of the building across the street. I loved NYC.

        My physical beauty is long gone and not coming back. Like a lot of girls I pursued physical beauty to the point of obsession. One of the few nice things about getting older is that I now look for beauty beyond just the physical.

        Love

        Barbie

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645489
      Alice Underwire
      Lady
      Registered On: September 16, 2019
      Topics: 94
      Replies: 5144
      Has thanked: 7327 times
      Been thanked: 13097 times

      Hi Barbie,

      Welcome to CDH.

      Alice

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645484
      Susan Scott
      Duchess
      Registered On: February 23, 2022
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 7
      Has thanked: 152 times
      Been thanked: 58 times

      Yes ,

      I have seen you through the years on different sites. Absolutely stunning . So sorry things have been so difficult for you and I hope you find refuge and a rebirth with this site. Many thoughtful and helpful gurls can be found here.
      hugs Susan

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #645492
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Susan

        It’s lovely to meet you. I just need to figure out how to be a different kind of me but still remain who I was. I know how odd that sounds!

        Barbie

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #645483
      Christina Isme
      Lady
      Registered On: April 8, 2022
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 202
      Has thanked: 198 times
      Been thanked: 562 times

      Sounds like you had a good life as Barbie I had a life as Christina since I was 9 till 62 and I am glad I still am still going. Some of my dresses are from goodwill and some dresses are from online shopping love my dresses and my life as Christina. We have to hold onto what we treasure and that’s the life we love. Shein has nice dresses at a good price este is fair. You start by having a few and work you way up. The girls 👧 online can help you just go into the chatt room and get to know everyone and welcome to the site glad to have you

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #645491
        Barbie Satin
        Registered On: May 15, 2022
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 193
        Has thanked: 443 times
        Been thanked: 657 times

         

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Christina.

        I will have a look at the local Goodwill shop and Shein. My size can make things difficult. I am 6’6 tall and the other day I dug through the few remaining things I have left and held up one of my dresses I used to wear out to clubs and it was so tiny!

        I will be getting to know the girls here and than you for the warm welcome.

        Barbie

        <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #646740
          Clarissa Cross
          Lady
          Registered On: July 17, 2021
          Topics: 6
          Replies: 122
          Has thanked: 877 times
          Been thanked: 475 times

          Hi and welcome Barie.

          I’m 6’2 and huge feet, but have always found some clothes and shoes to wear, I buy most of my clothes on sale and have my SO helping me picking the clothes she likes and that’s fine for me because she has a good taste and are very feminine.

          Clarissa

          2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #646741
            Barbie Satin
            Registered On: May 15, 2022
            Topics: 1
            Replies: 193
            Has thanked: 443 times
            Been thanked: 657 times

             

            <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>Thank you Clarissa!

            I will have to try and develop taste in normal clothing. I only did bad girl back in the day.

            <script src=”moz-extension://a5db4fb3-7504-42a5-af80-56e622fefbfe/js/app.js” type=”text/javascript”></script>

            1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #646788
            Clarissa Cross
            Lady
            Registered On: July 17, 2021
            Topics: 6
            Replies: 122
            Has thanked: 877 times
            Been thanked: 475 times

            Observe the women that’s about your recent age and find something you like and then copy what they are wearing, eventually dress a little younger. I think that works for most of us.

            1 user thanked author for this post.
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