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    • #704722

      Hi, and thank you if you are reading this. And I am so grateful to be a member here for almost one year. I am 68 and-no pity party!!lol—but I am handicapped and in a wheelchair from a bone disease. Anyways so you know, I am single, proud father of four and my dressing had nothing to do with my divorce. My former wife and I talk once a month.
      My issue like all of us is rooted in a complicated childhood. The only reason I am sharing this is that I think that you would be able to help me better if you knew these things. My end question is that I really don’t know who or what I am supposed to be. I will try to shorten what I could write several thousand words if this was a novelette.
      I was born in 1954. I was by the accident of birth born into a privileged family. Neither parent nor grandparents had anything to do with us being in those circumstances. The person that fathered my two sisters and I left us and returned twice before I was born and left again when I was three. I don’t recall him and never saw or heard from him again. Many details I will skip. My grandparents were all quite ready to help but my mother’s parents were quite privileged and lived less than a block.
      So cutting through many things here, I was dressed “elegantly” as mother termed my outfits. We lived in a a very old school neighborhood with 100+ years of wealth and very large homes. The point here is that many boys showed up at Sunday mass, when I was small, 4-7, in short pants, knee socks and Peter Pan collar blouses, a uniform called an Eton suit-American version. But when my friends started wearing small point end round collars outside the collarless jackets , I was still wearing larger collars with a lace or ruffled edges. Again cutting off many details and circumstances, we went to London several times and Austria where mother had many friends it seemed. I wore kilts in West London and Austrian trachten or folk wear with boiled wool jacket, ruffled collar blouses and underneath lederhosen with Mary Jane strap shoes. Okay you get the picture. I was beside myself in embarrassment/ humiliation wearing suspender shorts in summer with lace trim very small trim, sailor collar blouse and anklets with saddle shoes at 9-10 !!
      Here’s the kicker. When I was 12-13 I started taking my 2 year older than me school uniform blouses from the laundry. I did what likely all of us did and pulled the blouse from between my mattress and box springs and put it on in front of the full mirror we each had in our rooms. The closet light on and doors almost shut. Eventually I had more time alone in the pretty big old house we lived in and dressed head to toe in her uniform. Believe it or not, I still had my own saddle shoes though I no longer wore the eton suits and related garments. I don’t know why I had them.From 13 forward I was able to dress in my older sisters clothes especially when she went to college. Like many of us I got excited when I saw a girl wearing clothes with which I had grown obsessed. So another weird thing in our world, no nylons or bras or even panties… all throughout my long life of dressing. It’s like I have been trying to mimic the little lord Fauntleroy outfits when I was young and especially the ones that I wore that embarrassed me. I am sorry to have finally asked all of you about this, but who am I? I am sitting here unable to walk and in a nursing home which is impossible to dress here, before I moved here last November 2021 I had a wardrobe that was really great— for me that is.
      I have developed an incredibly deep and fulfilling relationship with a sister here who has been unbelievable in her patience and keen interest. She has really helped me with words not sufficient. And two others who have been nothing but wonderful. Reading but often not replying to the Forum posts I have learned so much about our shared gift. But you see, my dream is a black velvet eton suit with a lace and ruffled collar with lace anklets and Mary Jane T straps + the few photos my sister has showing me at Christmas with those velvet shorts and a lace ruffle showing below the hem, at seven. So I know many may be saying, well your mother was a little neurotic but alot of boys were dressed effeminate. In closing, I just don’t know where I fit. I have been very careful not to be obtrusive in soliciting sisters here or in several other places so I didn’t come off as into kids— being a loyal husband for 3+ decades and I think a very attentive dad, the clothes alone are my only interest. In prep school I dated girls in the girls school who dress really preppy and … well another story.
      So if anyone might share an insight as to my “syndrome”??? I don’t know what to say to myself. And I know I shouldn’t care less, but I really do. Like I am a pretty tough person but this makes me cry. Thank you ever so much… my love to you all, Jaime

    • #704724

      Hi Jaime,

      Welcome to CDH.

      Alice

    • #704848

      Jaime:

      Clearly you have a lot going on with various high points and low points. For most people, it is quite difficult to understand, and come to grips with, our gender identity on our own. Our minds work to reduce stress and anxiety. That can make it hard to focus on things that have the potential to cause major upheavals in our lives. Many have found that working with a therapist has been very helpful. However, it is important to find one who has experience with gender issues as not everyone has that background.

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