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Hello everyone, I’m Brielle and have been a closeted crossdresser for about 6 decades (!). My story is pretty typical of many – started very young, tried on sisters’ and mom’s clothes, eventually started slowly purchasing my own things, but purged every time I moved or changed life stages. I didn’t dress completely (including wig, make-up, etc.) until I was in my early 20s. This was a time when no one really went out en femme except for Halloween and drag performers. I never had the nerve to crossdress in public then anyway. Crossdressing was a gag joke on Carol Burnett and variety shows.
I purged when I got married, thinking this would pass once I had full intimacy and a day-to-day relationship with my wife. For a few years, that was pretty much true. Every once in a while I’d try on her bra or panties (she’s very petite so clothes or shoes were way too small). But eventually, when I was doing periodic travel for my job, I began to buy clothes, shoes, a wig, etc. and take a second bag with me on trips. I even took some things on a trip by air (did that a few times back in the early 90s) when you could get away with locking your checked bags. I was found to have prostate cancer a few months shy of my 40th birthday and purged shortly after, convinced God allowed the cancer as a warning to change my behavior (as if I didn’t have enough guilt already!). The surgery was nerve-sparing and I’m 26 years cancer-free, so it was a good outcome. Bonus – with no prostate you have dry orgasms, so an advantage, but not the same feeling during intercourse.
Anyway, my wife and I started feeling anxious and depressed for other reasons, but I felt like a freak and felt like I wasn’t a man or a woman or anything – an “it”. Then she had to go away to help a sister and her mom with some health issues and I was home alone for most of 4 months. Amazon prime was at the ready, so I jumped back in to the deep end. Got my first (cheap) breast forms. What a difference! So that’s what it’s supposed to feel like!! My two cats thought I’d lost my mind since every night and weekend I was someone else. One night, I took my first selfie – before that it was always full body shots from a distance. I was suffering from a condition called essential tremor where my hands shook when I tried to do something intricate like, oh, say apply eyeshadow, mascara or false eyelashes. The selfie showed an old hag, and I abruptly decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. I bagged up everything that night and threw it all out. Didn’t stop my feelings or anything, but less guilt and no hiding at least.
Fast forward to 2020. I had Deep Brain Stimulation surgery to successfully stop the tremors. A small battery pack is implanted above my right breast (like a pacemaker), and we moved to the Pittsburgh metro for a new job. At the end of 2020, I had been working at home for nearly 10 months. I’m still working remote as of today. Love it!!! But suddenly around Christmas I was returning something at a store, and walked into the lingerie department and bought some Bali panties. Hadn’t really been dwelling on dressing at all. And the floodgates opened!! Before I knew it, I’d ordered tops, short shorts, shapewear, a breast plate, v-panties with silicone padding, bras, make-up, wigs, accessories (including purses), the whole deal. My wife had been working a couple of days a week where she left at 6 AM and got back at anywhere from 6-9 PM, so I could dress completely en femme. This summer, she was visiting family for a week or so, so I got French manicure glue-on nails to complete the look.
The breast plate is amazing! It really clinched it for me – hid the battery pack in my chest, hid the wrinkly neck, and the feel is to die for. Very warm, though, so you can’t be very active or you are dripping like a cold pop bottle in July sun. Anyway, I decided I was going to continue to crossdress and it was way too late to tell my wife about my secret. A couple of weeks after she returned, I read a one-page “letter” revealing my femme side that I recently named Brielle.
Initially, the wife was somewhat supportive, and appreciated my vulnerability. After a few days to chew on it, the anger and resentment kicked in. Now, we have a good day or two, then she’ll learn a little more and it sets her off. We’ve tried our best to keep discussions calm and respectful. She even surprised me last week to say she thought it would be fun to go see a drag show! We have boundaries such as none of this in our bedroom (she married a man, not a woman, after all!), no secrets, no dressing in front of her (yet).
The thing I’m struggling with now is what happens next? Do I just dress occasionally at home alone? Do we go out with me en femme ever? Do I get active with local groups and CD conferences? Do I want hormones (Brielle is screaming “YESSS!” in the back of my mind)? Will my wife stay if I do (probably not)? Would I have SRS (doubtful at my age – I’ve already had my quota of invasive surgeries, thanks)? Will I decide or my wife decide this won’t work and I figure out how to put Brielle to rest? All these things are awash in my brain while I search for another job (3 layoffs in 5 years – nothing to do with this).
Well, God never said life would be easy. Ha!
Boy life sure has its ups and downs dealing with your life your wife surgeries and thru it all you stayed sane , says something about you .
Thanks for sharing and welcome to the group Brielle! 🌸
Welcome Brielle, I’m pretty new here myself (about a month) and all, and I mean ALL the ladies here are wonderful. I’ve only been CD’ing for 50 years. So you win! lol Your story eerily, resembles mine. Health scares, hospital stuff and everything. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone, now that you’re here.
Take Care and again, Welcome!
Best Regards,
Jasmine S.Hi Brielle,
Interesting story. Many parallels with my own life, except for the health issues , and I haven’t dared to step out of the closet yet. Great photos by the way. I can see why you want to be femme as much as poss. Enjoy CDH.
Katie x
Hi Brielle,
welcome to CDH. I too have felt the pull stronger lately and would probably jump at hormones if it wouldn’t complicate the rest of my life. I think a lot of us here are in a constant struggle to find a sweet spot between their desires and what they can realistically get away with. There are also a bunch that are living out their dreams. Whatever your sweet spot is I’m sure you’ll find that the girls here are supportive and informative.
— Abbie 🥰
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Hello Brielle. Welcome and thanks for sharing your story here. All of us girls can relate in many ways. You wonder what’s next? We all do so just follow your heart and things will work out just fine. Your feelings and desires won’t go away no matter what you try and as I have found as I got older they only intensify.
Your wife is typical of most of our wives. My only suggestion concerning her is to go slow, answer any and all questions as best you can and let things happen at her pace. Don’t push her or rush your journey. As you have said she is hot and cold on the subject and that seems normal.
Wishing you the best. Keep posting and let us know how things go. We are all here for you.
Thank you so much!! I only want to affect her as gently as is possible. I really envy the couples that are both ok and enjoy the experience. I don’t think that happens too often, especially as we get older and are together longer. But, at least she didn’t pack her bags (or mine!). I did spend one Sat eve in a hotel to give her enough space, but we moved past that.
Anyway, thanks again!
XoXo
Hi Brielle nice to meet you and happy you found and joined us girls here on the best CD site on the internet so get settled in relax and enjoy yourself here.. as a new sister and family member you are wel;comed with open arms here into our home as well as yours now also.. Such a wonderful thing to have your wife accept Brielle as a friend in your home like others have said keep the lines of communications open with wife its sure a wonderful thing to have support and acceptance congrats girlfriend .. Make some friends and join in the forums ask many questions and you will recieve many replys to them enjoy your time here stay long and read a lot he he ..
Stephanie Bass
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