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It’s crazy how many years I’ve tried to suppress this beautiful woman inside. It was only this past weird year of quarantine and deep personal reflection was I able to finally admit I have a fierce woman inside and she will not be told to quiet down.
My first memory of my fascination with female clothes goes back maybe 6 years old. I remember my grandfather was watching us while my parents were out and I snuck into my mother’s panty drawer and was busy putting on her granny panties and loving every minute of it! In hindsight, mom, you were in your 20’s. GET SOME SEXY UNDERWEAR ALREADY.
The next memory I have was kindergarten and I somehow needed shoes for recess and all they had were these cute black and white Mary Jane’s. I was in heaven.
It was all boys in the family until my female cousin came along. I was probably in 1st grade and we had all gone shopping for her first big girl panties. The boys sat there watching them select her pretty panties that were all hung on this wall and I remember being so angry from jealousy. To this day that memory defines what I know I was born with. A non-sexual identity affirmed from this age.
My teen years got a little busy with crossdressing because I soon had my own money. My parents were divorced and I’d moved away to live with my mother. Somewhere around 6th grade I planned a binge purchase while visiting my father. I took the bus downtown and shopped for oodles of panties and anything silky and femme. The unfortunate result of this journey was a shame purge some weeks later after my mother found some of my stash inside an old suitcase. I vividly remember taking a garbage bag full and sinking it into an old well near a junkyard. I was determined to fix myself!
After my mother discovered my clothes she enrolled me in therapy. She suspected drug use and had me in drug rehab where I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Of course I was in there in my boys clothes for 30 days until I found the Lost and Found bin and discovered a lovely pair of perfect panties. There was a super awkward moment of a surprise strip search to which I rebelled and ran off the restroom to quickly change out of my panties. We were still adolescents so there were limitations of restraint. Thank god.
In high school I was hanging out with the girls all the time and there was a pep rally (I was a male cheerleader) where they wanted to shame the opposing team by dressing up one of the guys as the one of the opposing team’s “ugly” cheerleaders. I was given a skirt and bra and cute sweater and I was IN HEAVEN. Never mind I was walking out in front of the entire high school as I truly felt and no one knew I really had my panties on under that skirt.
In my 20’s I was able to find a group of friends who didn’t care that I was openly bisexual and expressing as Nikki on a regular basis. I was shopping in the women’s section and going out as Nikki, so to speak. It was rave culture and nightclubbing so I was pulling off my expression as a club kid and it was generally accepted. I was dating the hottest drag queen in Cleveland at the time and we always pretended we were the factory girls with Andy Warhol.
Then I met my ex wife. Everything ended. She knew everything about me and I fell for her manipulation and lies. She stripped everything away from me and made me purge nearly all of my past. I was under her spell and for the next decade behaved as well as I thought Mr Straighty was supposed to. Well, that ended quickly and thank god. But I lost a connection to what I had before her and we’d moved to another state. I didn’t know anyone in this town. Soon I had a regular boyfriend but he wasn’t into crossdressing at all.
Fast forward to my current wife who knows a lot about me and my past and accepts everything she knows and loves me in spite of it. She knows everything- except this. This huge thing I’ve been trying to stamp down deep and hope it would go away because I feel like I’m in this gender role that I’ve set up for myself. I am a father of 2 little girls and what would her mother say?? So many fears for me right now but it’s bubbling up. Nikki has lashed out with a vengeance these past few months and she wants to be heard LOUD and CLEAR.
I know from everyone I’ve been listening to here and other sources that we are all one in the same with different journeys. So many times I thought it was just a sexual fetish thing but then why am I now just simply loving daily panties and looking at dresses and wigs and makeup tips and it’s not at all about that. And I’m reading its been the same for many of you. I’ve always felt it would have been better had I been born a girl. But I’m also not interested in transitioning now. I have mounds of fears to confront first. I have lots of facts to face about myself yet. But god damn I’m relieved after all these decades that I’m finally beginning to accept myself and this thing I was born with and now I can begin to embrace with love and courage and acceptance. 💖
Hi Nikki welcome to the CDH family. I think most of the gals here including feel know the feeling of tring to hide our feminine sides and the futility of that. You have definitely found the right place to explore your feminine side again honey, the
galsangels here are some of the nicest people around.Love Trisha
Hello Nikki and welcome to the sisterhood. Like many of us you’ve been a part of it all your life. This group completely understands what you’ve gone through and whats happening now so feel free to express yourself here and share in confidence with your sisters like all females do. We’re glad you’re here.
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