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    Topic
  • #403697
    Katie Bforever
    Participant
    Registered On: November 5, 2020
    Topics: 1
    Replies: 10
    Has thanked: 17 times
    Been thanked: 92 times

    Hello all,

    it’s been a long journey since a child for me. It was simple I knew in my tiny little brain was a girl, a girl named Katie. She liked what every little girl loved, My little pony, Rainbow bright, playing with girls (not boys eww) until I realized I wasn’t allowed to, or was reprimanded for such behavior. My body changes made me sad and left me feeling off, I knew at some point I could never pass as a woman so back then…(80’s/90’s). I made the hard decision to let Katie go, it felt like when you scuttle the ship you know your vessel will never make it and of course you don’t want someone to find it so down she went like an anchor. Growing up was hard to take pictures, I would always hide from mirrors or reflection, it felt unreal to know you were not what you wanted to see. I could not find a picture of me from age 12-21. Then I met my wife she was amazing, we were amazing together, the ship was in the abyss that no one could find. I would dress secretly of course and never able to take that first step into the world as Katie. 12 years into our marriage 16years we had been together and she told me she wasn’t happy anymore, the strangest unplanned confession was about to follow. My response was that I was also unhappy because I was Trans. It rocked the very foundation of our relationship and many attempts on my own life led me to a place of acceptance and her semi acceptance. So does the story get any better? Well…sorta… I am allowed to wear sports bra and panties every day, even in front of her which helps the gender dysphoria for me a bit, she has been intimate with Katie and I can say it was some of the best sex I ever had! Period! So that made things a little better. But once I got to this place I had to take the ultimate test… how will others view me in public? so I gave it a shot, the first time I stepped out of my car it felt like an angry mob was chasing me cause I couldn’t get inside fast enough (t girl club of course) once I broke that barrier and met girls like me who feel the way I do it was like I needed more, so more places I went and more people started to accept me, guys would open doors say hello, harmless of course. I finally pulled the biggest bandaid of all bandaids but what happened after was even stranger, I now thought I was a teenager again, it was like a second wave, a new Boat. Ship to sail and my did she sail! I felt better then I ever had emotions I had never felt, people I would have never met while my wife just kinda sat and worried. So now I felt terrible again, my happiness had brought her into depression, I was being selfish and foolish but once I was truly free I settled into myself. We both still want to be together but if I cross the bridge of no return (full transition) I will loose her completely she said, I will loose my home, everything I had worked so hard for. So for now I sail close to shore but I know if I go out past the breakwater there’s no coming back and that’s ok. It’s ok to be stuck somewhere that you feel is beneficial in order to save what you love, it’s a sacrifice I must endure. I see so many girls here feeling like I do and what I’ve learned is there is no right or wrong way to be what we are, or how we look it’s how we feel about ourselves and how we treat others that matters the most. This is who I am and how I came to be even if I started at age 40.

Viewing 20 reply threads
  • Author
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    • #407300
      Michelle Newman
      Lady
      Registered On: June 22, 2017
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 2707
      Has thanked: 0 times
      Been thanked: 2005 times

      Welcome katie!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #405019
      Samantha Roarke
      Ambassador
      Registered On: April 17, 2019
      Topics: 42
      Replies: 1241
      Has thanked: 3316 times
      Been thanked: 2634 times

      Hi, hello, and welcome to Crossdresser Heaven! You have just arrived at the best and greatest CD site on the web! CDH has tons of very helpful crossdressing information, tips, and support from real people just like you! We highly encourage new CDH members to ask questions no matter how trivial you think they may be, as we are happy to answer to the best of our ability. We also love a well written profile, this helps everyone to get to know you better as the beautiful woman you are! We hope that you enjoy your stay here at CDH, as we are happy to have you as a part of our wonderful community.

      Thank you, Samantha Roarke

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404570
      Greta
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 31, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 33
      Has thanked: 1 time
      Been thanked: 106 times

      Thank you so much Katie which has given me so much to think about. Ive always felt like a girl as little pieces of behavior revealed but I came from a virulently hostile culture and felt great shame so set out trudging down the long road of denial. I was married and have a son at college but none of this manifested during the marriage  We remain great friends and Ive rrecently teased her with little glimpses if where Im going. But the fact is Ive changed countries and dealt with a lot of pain to begin to know Im a woman.

      My current situation is that I have a woman partner and Im devoted to her. But its not really a sexual relationship because she is severely disabled . And yet it is a romantic relationshop  I dont want to ever hurt her and yet Im crying out to saunter around as a woman. At the moment I think ttwo things. Il have to live a double life. OR since we both have wild senses of humor, we’ll come to terms with it!  Whatever I am listening to the women on this site. And despite the complexities, becoming Greta is the greatest joy Ive ever had

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404561
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 27
      Has thanked: 247 times
      Been thanked: 112 times

      Hello, Katie! You have shared your soul with us, and we are here for you. It has been a trek for you, and many of us, and we can identify.

      I am SO glad that you have found this place of solace, and I wish you many close friendships. PM any of us!

      Hugs,

      Kendrabea👠

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404081
      Stephanie Bass
      Princess - Annual
      Registered On: November 30, 2019
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 1047
      Has thanked: 9808 times
      Been thanked: 3371 times

      Hi Katie nice to meet you  and i searched my sole to find something to add to what these lovely ladies have given you as advice and as i read everyones post to your wonderful intro i just could not think of anything but to say again you are here at the best CD site on the internet and happy you joined us girls here . Many girls to become longtime friends with and hope your sea journey gets calm waters and safe travels girlfriend . Your trials with your wife will be a coarse into uncharted waters with many rocky areas but you can navigate them just take your time as we say here take baby steps and lots of conversations this is a key to your girly Katie life . Good luck and again nice to meet you pleasent journey and be safe girlfriend  hugs .

      Stephanie Bass

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404040
      Stacey Danvers
      Lady
      Registered On: November 4, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 28
      Has thanked: 206 times
      Been thanked: 118 times

      Hi hun,

      that was such an emotional story 😢 and I can relate to most of that myself, I can reciprocate entirely on the part where you are having to choose to make the sacrifice between one self and another for the sake of the ones that matter to you the most, I guess the majority of us all have a crossroads that makes us choose who we truly wanna be and that’s fine, I eventually feel that in a situation like this, the head takes president over the heart, and decides for us in making the right decision but it’s important that you never forget who is beneath it all, and cherishing the precious  moments you get as a femme girl will make it feel great inside just letting that person out once in a while in private, it doesn’t hurt.  Thank you for sharing this and sending you big hugs and love hun.

      stacey 💋

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404011
      Vanessa Vanreed
      Baroness
      Registered On: May 7, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 49
      Has thanked: 38 times
      Been thanked: 251 times

      Welcome girlfriend. I understand you situation completely. I love being a girl my so accepts to a point but if I go too far I loose it all.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403955
      karley delaware
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: October 23, 2017
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 405
      Has thanked: 1777 times
      Been thanked: 1105 times

      Hi Katie and Welcome……..you have found safe harbor  from the rough seas of a world that does not understand girls like us.    Love the tone and style of your writing…………….it’s so…………femme!!!!  I would reread it a few times to soak in the metaphors ………………Thank You for sharing……………..karley

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403881
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 20
      Has thanked: 36 times
      Been thanked: 63 times

      Wow it’s a very hard situation but many of us we have to take. The most important is you be happy and realized as human being cause if you are not happy you can make happy nobody else and as well your wife as to decide what is the best for her. She love you. Tu she need love herself first. Sometimes we need sacrifice for others but as well if we start new life can bring you new people and new surprises you don’t even imagine. Good luck and pray God give you the guidance you need.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403862
      Stephanie Roberts
      Princess
      Registered On: May 20, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 421
      Has thanked: 3371 times
      Been thanked: 1398 times

      Hi Katie, and welcome!!! Wether you choose to cont to stay close to shore, or decide to head for the open seas, remember that there is a first class crew here at CDH that you can count on any time to help you navigate your course. Happy sailing!

      Love, Stephanie ✨❤️

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403861
      Michelle LaFem
      Lady
      Registered On: June 21, 2018
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 22
      Has thanked: 90 times
      Been thanked: 77 times

      Hi Katie,

      I’m Michelle, and I can assure you we all have similar stories.  Our brains are somehow wired to love being pretty and usually sexy.  Due to society pressure we all suppress our gurlie feelings and desires and build the life programed into us.  The depth of our love and commitment presents a catch 22 for most all of us.  I started dressing early in my marriage mainly because that was the first opportunity where I had access to pretty clothes.  Long story short, my dressing progressed slowly and I now consider myself as gender fluid.  I have been happily married to my wife for 48 years, two children, five grandchildren, and it’s still a struggle.  I’m now completely shaved, with suspect eyebrows and no sideburns.  So yes, we have come to terms but I continue to slowly push the envelope.  I wish I wouldn’t but I simply can’t resist always wanting a little more.  I live in Irvine, and you are welcome to contact me anytime by my fem e-mail.  Sometimes I don’t get back immediately because I only check it every few days.  Good luck, it’s most likely going to be a pretty tough journey for both of you.

    • #403843
      Leonara
      Ambassador
      Registered On: October 13, 2015
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 362
      Has thanked: 882 times
      Been thanked: 742 times

      Katie,
      Thank you so much for sharing. I am sure your friends at CDH share your struggles that so many here can relate to. Including my self..I express my true self privately and choose not to come out to that lady I truly feel inside due to a 50+ relationship with my SO (she knows but is still processing my revelation) and family. We at CDH are here to support your journey.
      Be well and stay safe😷
      Hugs, Leonara

    • #403830
      Rei Durden
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 791
      Has thanked: 4885 times
      Been thanked: 3205 times

      Katie, thank you for putting so many of my own thoughts feelings and emotions down in writing so eloquently.

      Much of your story is close to my own, and it breaks my heart.

      I am extremely glad that you have found CDH and I wish, I hope, that it brings you some friendship and peace. Best wishes, Rei

    • #403829
      Bettylou Cox
      Duchess
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 17
      Replies: 1672
      Has thanked: 2957 times
      Been thanked: 5562 times

      Hi, Katie,

      May I suggest that you don’t have to transition in order to enjoy living as a woman.  You are blessed with an accepting wife who seems willing to let you be Katie as much as you want, so you don’t have to become a woman in order be a woman.  There are many here on CDH who cannot  have surgery or take hormones, but nevertheless are able to live the femme life.  Something to consider.

      Bettylou

    • #403814
      Shana Mac
      Baroness
      Registered On: November 4, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 52
      Has thanked: 213 times
      Been thanked: 183 times

      Thank you for sharing your story with us Katie. It was very moving. I’m at a loss for words. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made but how do you know where to draw the lines between your needs any the needs of others.  So hard but you can’t be the only one making the compromises or the only one demanding compromises. They have to be made each or resentments build up.

    • #403803
      Teralynn Loving
      Lady
      Registered On: October 17, 2019
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 1057
      Has thanked: 7738 times
      Been thanked: 1841 times

      Hi Katie, Teralynn here. Welcome to CDH. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I personally found your story heartbreaking. You are stuck between the love for your wife and the life you have built with her and the feminine life of your dreams. Unfortunately, in physical life on an evolving planet such as this you are rarely given the opportunity to enjoy every single thing you desire. You are left with choices and must decide what is truly important to you. Live your dream and lose the life you have had with your wife or stay with the domestic life you have had and give up on the dream life you might actually prefer. There are no easy choices here. Many significant others might accept crossdressing with certain limitations but only an extremely small percentage would accept a crossdressing person who wanted no restrictions on their journey whatsoever to include “dating” other persons outside their existing relationship. Whether you should honor your current commitment and the responsibilities that come with it or seek freedom to pursue another life is not an easy decision, but every person must make those decisions for themselves. I do hope you make a decision that you can live with without bitterness and regret. In this situation I have strong feelings of sympathy for not only you but also for your wife. Having said let me also cite an often quoted saying- To thine own self be true. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. A post on my home profile page wall or private message will get the fastest response. – Blessings

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403791
      Alice Underwire
      Lady
      Registered On: September 16, 2019
      Topics: 18
      Replies: 2402
      Has thanked: 1222 times
      Been thanked: 4738 times

      Hi Katie,

      Welcome to CDH.

      Alice

    • #403731
      Robyn Devine
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 24, 2020
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 515
      Has thanked: 1608 times
      Been thanked: 2207 times

      Hi Katie

      Welcome to CDH!  As ex-Navy, I appreciate your nautical analogy.  Like other ladies have already said, your in great company here.  I hope your seas remain calm, and the sun the always shines for you.  Enjoy CDH!

      Hugs – Robyn ❤️🤗

    • #403724
      Stephanie Flowers
      Ambassador
      Registered On: June 26, 2017
      Topics: 25
      Replies: 4636
      Has thanked: 7745 times
      Been thanked: 7840 times

      Katie thankyou for sharing your story I enjoyed reading it. When our journeys start no one knew where it may be going and feelings begin getting more involved but suddenly we realized a balancing act between our desires and the feelings of someone close to our hearts.  Its a difficult time and we  do make sacrifices. Trying to figure who we are is certainly a taunting task but now you are among friends. We understand how you must be feeling and here is a good place to explore and discover who you are. Many here experience different paths but all have a common goal to transform ourselves to be that lady we feel inside. Meet with them ,talk to and share each others experiences through this wonderful world we have chosen. Enjoy your time with us and know your part of a caring community of support and acceptance for all , welcome
      Stephanie 🌹

    • #403703
      Amber Lee
      Registered On: September 27, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 4
      Has thanked: 33 times
      Been thanked: 23 times

      Katie, thank  you for sharing. What you have related resonates with me, and I’m sure, with many others here. My hope is that we all find our way in this world that brings happiness and balance. Smooth sailing Katie.

    • #403700
      Carolyne Sherman
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: February 20, 2018
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 315
      Has thanked: 134 times
      Been thanked: 947 times

      Katie, Welcome!  You have very eloquently if not nautically stated what many of us have gone through. You will find many an accepting soul here to talk with and express your joy, sadness and fears with. I wish you smooth seas and good winds in your journey.
      🍷C

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