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it’s been a long journey since a child for me. It was simple I knew in my tiny little brain was a girl, a girl named Katie. She liked what every little girl loved, My little pony, Rainbow bright, playing with girls (not boys eww) until I realized I wasn’t allowed to, or was reprimanded for such behavior. My body changes made me sad and left me feeling off, I knew at some point I could never pass as a woman so back then…(80’s/90’s). I made the hard decision to let Katie go, it felt like when you scuttle the ship you know your vessel will never make it and of course you don’t want someone to find it so down she went like an anchor. Growing up was hard to take pictures, I would always hide from mirrors or reflection, it felt unreal to know you were not what you wanted to see. I could not find a picture of me from age 12-21. Then I met my wife she was amazing, we were amazing together, the ship was in the abyss that no one could find. I would dress secretly of course and never able to take that first step into the world as Katie. 12 years into our marriage 16years we had been together and she told me she wasn’t happy anymore, the strangest unplanned confession was about to follow. My response was that I was also unhappy because I was Trans. It rocked the very foundation of our relationship and many attempts on my own life led me to a place of acceptance and her semi acceptance. So does the story get any better? Well…sorta… I am allowed to wear sports bra and panties every day, even in front of her which helps the gender dysphoria for me a bit, she has been intimate with Katie and I can say it was some of the best sex I ever had! Period! So that made things a little better. But once I got to this place I had to take the ultimate test… how will others view me in public? so I gave it a shot, the first time I stepped out of my car it felt like an angry mob was chasing me cause I couldn’t get inside fast enough (t girl club of course) once I broke that barrier and met girls like me who feel the way I do it was like I needed more, so more places I went and more people started to accept me, guys would open doors say hello, harmless of course. I finally pulled the biggest bandaid of all bandaids but what happened after was even stranger, I now thought I was a teenager again, it was like a second wave, a new Boat. Ship to sail and my did she sail! I felt better then I ever had emotions I had never felt, people I would have never met while my wife just kinda sat and worried. So now I felt terrible again, my happiness had brought her into depression, I was being selfish and foolish but once I was truly free I settled into myself. We both still want to be together but if I cross the bridge of no return (full transition) I will loose her completely she said, I will loose my home, everything I had worked so hard for. So for now I sail close to shore but I know if I go out past the breakwater there’s no coming back and that’s ok. It’s ok to be stuck somewhere that you feel is beneficial in order to save what you love, it’s a sacrifice I must endure. I see so many girls here feeling like I do and what I’ve learned is there is no right or wrong way to be what we are, or how we look it’s how we feel about ourselves and how we treat others that matters the most. This is who I am and how I came to be even if I started at age 40.
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