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    • #739521

      I was in my hometown today for a short family reunion.  My brother,  his wife and I were out for a walk in downtown Monticello IL.  As we passed by a local tavern we noticed a Bud Light sign over the door. My brother said if he owned that bar that the sign would come down and all Bud products would be banned. Evidently because of the trans girl Dylan that was in a recent Bud Light campaign.  I love my brother and he is a former Navy combat pilot and retired FedEx captain.  But I wonder what he would say if he knew his own brother is also a drag queen.  I have been contemplating moving eventually to either the Ozarks or Tennessee.  All those states have passed some sort of anti drag queen laws, and I wonder if moving  there is such a good idea.  Do you have any homophobic relatives or friends, and, if they know about you, what is their reaction?

    • #739523
      Erika Bell
      Duchess

      Yes, unfortunately some friends that mainly just talk BS or crack insulting jokes. They would definitely not be friends if they knew. But only one of them would be a problem as hes married to my wifes best friend. Extended family, I have several. My little brother is gay and I have a trans female cousin. Both of them exposed true colors when they came out. We dont see those folks much, if at all anymore. But for me, the hardest one is that my dad is partially on this anti-trans band wagon. He raised me to judge people by their actions not what ever label is put on him. Hes been watching to much tv. When it comes up I can usually get him back to understanding that they are people and free to exist just like anyone. Rather you like it or not. However, I am very hopeful that those attitudes are slowly going away.

      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Erika Bell.
    • #739528
      Liz K
      Managing Ambassador

      I’m out to most of the people that know me.  I expected to lose a few of them.  Surprisingly that hasn’t happened….or at least there weren’t any outwardly negative reactions.  But I’m not hearing from one or two as much, and I think I’m being ghosted to an extent.  Of the remaining people that don’t know, many of them are openly transphobic.  I expect they will react badly.  Whatever.  It’s their problem.

      I’m not sure how I would feel if I had a transphobic close relative.  I’m going to live my life regardless of what they think.  I’d hope they’d come around to see I’m the same person they’ve always known.  All that’s changed is my appearance and happier disposition.

      I wouldn’t move to any place where there is anti-trans legislation.

      /EA

    • #739534

      Girl, let me tell you…

      I thought I was leaving Brazil for Canada because I wanted better life conditions for myself and my family. Little did I know that I was just running away from a homophobic family.

      I grew up hearing “are you a man or a sack of potatoes?” from molester daddy, “doing this is gay” from mommy, and “guys who are friends with girls are gay” from stepdaddy. I was clearly a gay sack of potatoes. My girlfriends were the only people I could confide in, and even though I did have many “male” interests, my manner was quite female — something I spent decades “correcting”. Even my wife is uncomfortable with the idea of me “losing my manhood” (in the literal sense, not my “parts”) “now” that I’m a crossdresser.

      At the end of the day, leaving my country and my family was the only way I could breathe in enough air to actually see what I’m looking at when I look in the mirror.

      So yes, most everyone in my family is homophobic, and that’s only partially their fault because it’s how we’re wired. I’m actually surprised they didn’t have much to say when I came out as non-binary. I have internalized queerphobia myself, and have to fight it tooth and nail whenever the guilt and shame creep back in.

    • #739543

      one of my closest friends is homophobic the only reason

      i haven’t called him out is his wife and my wife are also

      very close friends.

      I want to ask him if one of his kids was gay or trans would he disown them?

      • #739552
        Erika Bell
        Duchess

        That is a tough place to be in.  Im sure they are decent people otherwise or you wouldnt be friends with them.  Those gut turning moments are so akward.  Hope they come to an understanding

      • #739555

        If you ask that question, leave it open ended. By that I mean don’t suggest any possible answers. I think you will get a truer response that way.

      • #741942

        I’ve asked exactly that of several of my less than liberal friends and relatives.  The responses are surprising, and indeed, some say yes, they would disown them and never talk to them, but others (sometimes even the seemingly more conservative and narrow minded) actually think about it and struggle with the answer before saying they would need to learn how to deal with it.

        Thus, it is not always easy to see how people would respond and it is often our own biases about them which makes us label them (which is ironic as it is exactly what we don’t want others to do to us!)

    • #739547
      Cassie Jayson
      Duchess

      I have 4 brothers and as I mentioned in a post a couple months back we were all getting together at my nieces house on a Sunday. I was working my Torrid job that day, I could have gotten the day off work, but purposely didn’t, I was in full Cassie mode. I stopped in before I went to work and again after work and had good conversation with almost everyone, brothers,spouses, nieces and nephews. My presentation was not even talked about, just like everything was normal. One brother was kind of distant though, when I asked his wife latter she said that is his way of dealing with some things. If he ignores it, it does not exist.
      Then there is my son who know I CD, but doesn’t want to see or talk about it.

      . Cassie

    • #739556

      Unfortunately, I must say yes to three relatives, it hurts and it may always remain that way. My daughter and my son won’t accept me as a woman – period, end of discussion! My daughter isn’t even talking to me, my son will text. I cannot see them or the grand kids unless I come as a man. My younger brother just says it’s too weird but I never see him anyway.

      As for friends, well, let me tell you how fast you find out just who your true friends are, announce you are transgender and see how fast they vanish! The handful that remain are truly those who matter.

      I do have close friends who have remained, some I’ve known for 35 years or more. remaining relatives are my little brother and his wife, their kids, my sister and her kids. My sister in law welcomed her new sister into the family, my sister already refers to me as her big sister and all the kids involved call me Auntie Lauren.

      I miss my two kids but will have to live with that and hope they can eventually wrap their heads around the fact I am, and always have been, a trans woman.

      Hugs girls,

      Ms. Lauren M

      • #739601
        Erika Bell
        Duchess

        Thats sad and beautiful at the same time. Hugs

    • #739559
      Harriette
      Lady

      Your poll needed an “I don’t know” because… I don’t know.

      I rarely get to visit my very small family, so the topic never came up.

    • #739600

      Not exactly. My brother, when talking to a doctor and telling them that he had to sit to pee (often after some cancer treatment or something else that made him weak), would always whisper like a girl.

      However, the last time we went cruising, we had gone separately down to one of the merchandise sales. I saw a woman’s fleece jacket and was considering it, but decided to pass on it. Later, back in the cabin, I saw my brother had bought the jacket, saying he could get used to the zipper being on the other side. (He was always cold.)

      So as embarrassed as he was if he had to sit and pee, he had no problem buying a woman’s jacket for himself.

      • #739602
        Erika Bell
        Duchess

        Didnt see that twist. Curious.

      • #739671

        How interesting! Wonder if your brother has other femme clothes. Best, Marlene.

        • #739687

          Not that I am aware of. But he did have a number of pink ties. Sadly, he passed in December 2019 as a complication from cancer, just before COVID hit. I took a couple of the pink ties for myself.

          • #739712

            Very sorry to read about your brother passing. You have the ties to stir memories. Best, Marlene.

    • #739617
      J J
      Lady

      None that I know of. My family tends to be conservative, but being from California that is still pretty liberal for much of the country. I have never heard a homophobic or anti-trans word from them, but suspect if they did utter such musings it would be from ignorance rather then true disdain. If they did, they would likely get an ear full from a variety of sources, not the least of which would be from me. While only a cousin knows of my dressing, and she is 100% supportive, then rest of my family does not know, and I prefer to keep it that way as I feel there is no reason they need to know. I would have no problem with them finding out, I just prefer to not have to deal with it. As for friends, I am confident they all would not care in the least, they wouldn’t be friends if I thought they did. Remember, you get to choose your friends, but not your relatives.

      I have zero tolerance for bigots, but I am fine with educating people about things they may not know, or understand.

    • #739674
      AnnaBeth Black
      Duchess - Annual

      I’m pretty sure I do have. I might have a couple of family members who would learn to except it but I think I would lose most if not all of my friends.

    • #739680

      Hi Ladies,Please let me start by saying Marty was born in 1948,Michelle {me}was born considerably later,and admits to 50 years of age.Very large LOL.This was never talked about when the three of us children were growing up except in very disparaging terms and being raised Catholic did not help at all.Now to jump to the present,my sister knows and accepts Michelle fully,my little brother does not and will not,and my living cousins in Illinois dont know her at all and thats ok by Michelle.I am in Arizona and my neighbors and friends all accept Michelle fully and I am very happy.If and when my brother ever comes to Arizona he is in for a VERY BIG surprise and if my sister comes out here she will have a new ,part time older sister ,and I know she will love it. Hugs Michelle.

    • #739692
      Caty Ryan
      Baroness

      The closest I can come to being able to relate to this topic, is my membership of a local 120 strong men only group. There’s one or two I would regard as friends, they dont know about Caty and never will.

      Within the other 118, judging by their comments on current political topics, I ‘m sure their would be a few homophobic types amongst the above.

      So if anything relating to LGBTQI comes up, I just stay mute and let ’em rant.

       

      Caty.

       

      • #739867
        J J
        Lady

        I am not passing any judgement as I do not know your situation, but I have a hard time letting people “rant” as it just reinforces the stereo types they rant about, which in most cases is just ignorance. I have to speak up and at least attempt to educate and enlighten people about such ignorance.

        Not quite the same things, but I was just in such a situation when somebody made some anti-trans comment and it was apparent that she just didn’t understand the topic and was speaking from ignorance. While she was pretty liberal, her family was hard core conservative, so no doubt she heard all the right wing anti-trans rhetoric so fashionable on the right currently. I made a point not to be confrontational and just educational and the conversation went very well. I simply laid out some facts and left it at that. They more we can inform others the better chance they will understand that so much of the rhetoric they hear is mis-information, and maybe they will think a bit before ranting in the future.

    • #739720
      ChloeC
      Duchess

      Hi Kerri, well, I answered ‘Yes’ mostly because I live in a rather conservative section of my state and I’m fairly sure there are a significant number of people around here who are verging on some form of homophobia.  My spouse and I are in a group of friends and neighbors who see each other weekly if not more often, and I know for a fact that some of them are fairly to right of (what years ago we used to laughingly say) ‘Attila the Hun’.  We all pretty much have learned not to talk politics at all, but sometimes, some rather disconcerting viewpoints seep out which tends to temporarily shut down our enjoyment of being with each other.

      Mostly if anything even slightly relating to homophobia comes up, the usual stated opinion is that some just don’t understand it. I suspect it goes deeper than that with a few. It is what it is and for the most part we’re all around the same age (retired), living in comfortable surroundings, enjoying the activities available in a community like this, and coming from reasonably similar backgrounds.

      My spouse and I really enjoy being here, and getting involved in community activities, so my personal desires to dress are limited, as at any time any one of our friends could stop by. Just something to deal with and work on making time for Chloë

      Hugs, ChloëC

      ps I’m going to add in one more thought. For instance, let’s say Bob is an upstanding citizen, helped raise of family of several kids who are decent, mostly not troublesome in the least, has a happy marriage, works hard and gets deserved promotions, volunteers in the community. Is thought of decently. He’s a cd and his wife knows.  For whatever reason, he comes out.  It would seem almost immediately that those around him are now all of a sudden going to search out their memories for some kind of clues to Bob’s behavior that they all must have irritatingly missed. And they try to latch onto any even scrap of what they want to believe is evidence that somehow shows that Bob is really some kind of predator, mentally deficient, or whatever, and all the good he has done is now for naught. I don’t understand it, but I see things like this all the time, not necessarily from cd’s but from people who have some secret that comes out. They are still who they have always been, but perceptions have now dramatically changed and lives are often ruined. <sigh>

      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by ChloeC.
      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by ChloeC.
      • #739724

        Chloe,

        Thanks for your insightful comments.  I live alone now so I can do and dress as i want.  My relatives live fairly far away so I don’t see them often.  I wish people weren’t homophobic but that’s the way it is often today.

    • #739883

      Kerri,

      We’re living in a strange world.

      On one hand, there has never been as much diversity in terms of what is on TV and advertising, and yet on the other there is a growing campaign against trans people from certain sections of the press and government bodies.

      I’m in the UK, and yet every day I see anti woke/trans/whatever stories from certain right wing press that dominate our country and which the government pander to and turn a blind eye.

      I know your question is about family members, but even when I’m in cafes and around town, I hear vitriol from certain members of the population which makes me fear for the future.

      Katie

       

    • #740104
      Rhonda Lee
      Baroness - Annual

      The question asks whether I have homophobic friends or relatives. Responses seem to be addressing “transphobia” rather than “homophobia”. “Transphobia is “dislike or strong prejudice against transgender people.” “Homophobia is  “dislike or prejudice against GAY people.” I know of no correlation between the two. Surveys I have seen show that the percentage of transgender people who are gay is, if anything, less than that in the general population.

      Of the “LGBT” acronym, “LGB” refers to the gay community (or, arguably, just the LG). The “T refers to trans people… not the same, even though referenced under the same umbrella.

      Boadly speaking, biological sex, how we present, how we internally identify, and who we are attracted to sexually are independent variables, with each encompassing a spectrum of behavior. Being gay has no correlation to how we feel inclined to present or how we internally identify, but the majority of the population seems to think so. The majority also seem to conflate presentation with identity, when, in fact, there is no correlation between the two that I have seen evidenced. That creates huge misunderstandings and prejudice that are harmful for those in the trans community.

      I think those who see a male dressed as a female, especially if that is in the context of drag shows, conclude that such a man must be gay, because the majority of drag queens are probably gay. Hence, all men who present as female must be gay. That is bad logic, leading to false conclusions. It MAY be true that there are more drag queens than there are crossdressers who venture outside their closet and the public would recognize as men dressed in female attire. And news events focus more on men who identify as women, seldom realizing that there is a much larger population of men who merely PRESENT as female but still believe they are male (most such men probably never even coming out of the closet, let alone appearing in public or doing anything that would cause them to be recognized by others as men dressed as women.) So even in our increasingly enlightened world, the truth is out there but seldom seen.

       

      I make these points regularly and forcefully in classroom presentations. Yet invariably, after the presentation is completed, many just don’t get it. The ingrained thinking is that crossdressers are gay and some insist that I am, even after I try to explain the differences.

      I grew up in a homophobic family, which led me to feel uncomfortable associating with gay people. After my wife divorced me, in part because she(and her friends and counselors) thought I was gay and that that was morally wrong, I made a point of going to an MCC church, comprised mostly of gay people, but welcoming of all. All of my stereotypes fell by the wayside quickly, as I found love, friendship, acceptance and far more, beyond anything  I have ever experienced elsewhere.

      One cannot judge what one does not know firsthand, in my opinion. In that, crossdressers and gay people have a common bond.

      I have lost many of my old friends because they believe I am gay and that being gay is wrong. My own family believes I am gay. Even those in the MCC presume I am gay. People will think and act as they believe and for the most part I don’t feel a need to correct them, especially since it is not likely to change their thinking or actions, but also because I have a positve attitude toward gay people. I don’t understand it and cannot personally relate to it, but I don’t understand crossdressers either and recognize that most cannot relate to what I cannot change. I just believe we are all created with unique gifts and should cherish, accept, and use the gifts we were given, that make us unique, rather than waste energy trying to be someone we are not or cause others to feel guilty about who they are and encouraging them to change what they cannot.

       

      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Rhonda Lee.
    • #740676
      Karla Rogers
      Duchess

      The words “phobic” and “phobia” are, in my opinion, over used nowadays without people having a real understanding of their meaning. According to Harvard Health Publishing at Harvard Medical School “A phobia is a persistent, excessive, unrealistic fear of an object, person, animal, activity or situation. It is a type of anxiety disorder. A person with a phobia either tries to avoid the thing that triggers the fear, or endures it with great anxiety and distress. Some phobias are very specific and limited.”

      I used to have a severe case of aquaphobia, the fear of water. Over the years I wanted to learn how to swim but that fear was deep rooted. A few years ago, I came up with an idea to help me overcome my fear of water so that I could learn how to swim. It worked! Now, I am in no way an expert swimmer, but I know longer have that fear of going out in to the water. I do however, have a strong respect for it.

      The so-called progressive left and liberal media have been using “phobia” and “phobic” for so many years that they now become attached to practically anything the conservatives do not favor. People may be prejudiced or bigoted but they are not “homophobic” or “transphobic”. According to DifferenceBetween.net “Prejudice (noun) means a predetermined belief towards someone or something based on unverified information instead of actual experiences or reasoning.

      Prejudice (verb) is defined as the act of giving rise to prejudice towards someone, an idea, or belief or to make the results of something biased.

      Bigotry, on the other hand, is defined as intolerance or prejudice towards someone or something based on that person or something’s associations.”

      So, the answer to the question is no, I do not know anyone who is “homophobic” or even “transphobic”. I do, however, know some people who are prejudiced or bigoted.

      • #740892
        J J
        Lady

        I agree, the term is over used, and missed used. Most people are not fearful of LGBTQ+, though many are fearful of what they represent and/or the effects they may have on society as a whole. Most people just do not like “different” people. It is classic tribalism. I know what most people mean when they use such a term, and while not a correct usage, the effect of hate or disdain is still just as evident.

    • #740768
      Hippie
      Lady

      Oh, let me tell you a tid bit about my extended family.

      I have real life Archie Bunker’s, George Jefferson’s and Fred Sandford’s in my family tree.

      I love them dearly, but these are the ones in my family. That I hide it from and one of the reason I hide my real identity from online and your never find images of me on-line.

      They hate everyone from Jews, Catholics, Blacks, Whites, Gays, Straights, Bisexuals and whatever else. When I say they hate everyone, I mean it.

      So if you ever wonder why I don’t have a paid membership. This is one real big reason why.

      If I could just pay with a money order under a fake name, I would be a paid member.

      See all forms of digital money is 100% traceable, from bit coin to everything else. Money Orders provide unbanked and underbanked individuals access to additional payment options. If you don’t have a checking account, a money order can fill some gaps.

      They are a secure form of payment to send through the mail.

      Cash in the mail can be stolen, and personal checks include your bank account number, which you may not feel comfortable sharing with the recipient.

      A money order doesn’t include private banking information

      So no link to my real identity.

      Maybe CDH will one day give us a mail in address for us to send a money orders.

      Hippie

    • #740809

      I responded yes. I have a group of guy friends that I get get together with frequently many of them are very quick to comment very negatively on the recent transgender events in the news I’m very disappointed with my buddies I thought for sure they would be more accepting of others. Of course they all think I’m a manly man that would never dress like a woman I’m tempted to get totally dolled up for Halloween and show up to one of our gatherings! Unfortunately I do believe I would lose most of them as friends if I did show my feminine side.

    • #741283
      Paula
      Lady

      Whether it’s out in the open or kept to them selves, homophobia is everywhere!  My family like my parents and my brother, including my daughters, probably would not be excepting of Paula or that I am bisexual. They are ultra conservative and so they do not know about me. Recently, my daughter stop seeing and talking to me because I am bisexual and I cross dress. She came across some dresses and make up I didn’t hide. It’s almost like it’s OK to be homosexual or crossdress as long as you’re not a family member, that’s how I feel.

      I hate the jokes and the insults and people do hang on to stuff and they can’t let it go. For example, the bud light controversy, people just need to get over it and move on. We have more pressing issues.

      I was attacked about two years ago and it was late at night. I was walking back to my apartment and three guys jumped me. They were calling me a lot of names (I don’t think I have to list them). Fortunately I wasn’t hurt bad and was able to fight back. But they seen me before and and know where I live so I know it wasn’t random and No problems since then.

      Just be careful out there  know who your friends are and are accepting of your lifestyle  same goes for coming out to family and others.

      I’m grateful for Crossdresserheaven and the many wonderful ladies here that make up our community.  without this website a lot of us wouldn’t show are strength and resilience.

       

    • #741701
      Jennifer Lang
      Duchess

      I’m lucky not to have any intolerant relatives but I’m not pushing the envelope and revealing my status, either. Friend wise, nothing too intolerant but they would be really shocked if I ever showed up en femme.

      I had a really close gay friend back in the 1980s. When I see intolerant behavior, I always remember him telling me that the people who yelled at him the loudest would be the ones he met in gay bars years later.

      It is such a shame that after so much progress, intolerance is making a comeback, especially when intolerant people can force a trans friendly company like Target to be intimidated.

      Thank goodness for CDH!

       

       

    • #741772

      On my father’s side of the family, everybody is so accepting. His mother (my grandmother) had 5 children, all boys lol, and 2 of them are openly gay. My dad had a son in a previous marriage (my half brother) who is also gay, and I’ve just never heard any homophobic thing from that side of my family, even though we grew up in rural Ohio and I heard it constantly at my high school. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing for my mother’s side of the family. She isn’t homophobic by any means (although I’ve heard her misgender one of my trans friends more than once), but most of her family is from West Virginia and have really leaned into the ultra right wing lately. I used to go to my great grandmother’s house in West Virginia every year for Thanksgiving, and recently looked up her house on Google Maps (because I found out she’s still living on her own at 101 years old!) and saw a confederate flag flying in front of her house… not necessarily homophobic but definitely not a good look. My mom’s husband (my stepdad) is also very right leaning and constantly plays Fox News at their house, so I’ve heard some unfortunate things from him as well. It really kills me that the latest culture war from America’s right wing is against trans people and drag.. because it will only elevate violence towards those groups, and further separate families that used to just have differing ideas.

    • #741819

      [postquote quote=739521]

      You should come out to your brother and show him that you dress and that you are still the same person. The only way to build respect for the community is to not hide in the closet. Show him how much fun you have wearing a skirt and high heels and blow his little mind.

      • #741979
        Gwyneth
        Lady

        I would caution against that. Before we “represent” any sort of community, we are someone’s brother, son, father, grandfather, even best friend. I would take precautions to prevent any bad feelings concerning family. It’s not a phobia, it’s love of family. On either side of this issue.

    • #742087

      [postquote quote=741979]

      I disagree. You can’t condone bigotry even if it is in your own family. That is where support for your family should end. If we hide in the closet and never come out, we are only making the situation worse. It is best to come out to your family and show them that you are still the same person with a strong feminine side and there is nothing wrong with that. If they can’t handle it and reject you, so be it! You don’t want bigots in your life anyway. Put on your big girl panties and don’t be ashamed of your true self because there is nothing to be ashamed of. Being yourself is the most liberating and wonderful feeling that you will ever feel in the world. Hiding  your true self causes depression and even physical ailments.

      • #742100
        Harriette
        Lady

        Families are complicated. Telling someone else how to deal with theirs is going to far.

        • #742140

          Thanks Harriet.  I feel the same way.  We each have to deal with these issues in our own way.

        • #742227
          Gwyneth
          Lady

          That’s my point! And reading the OP again, I think Kerri is simply looking to see what has happened when others have either been found out or tell loved ones the truth. Maybe she’s gaging her next move on what the most likely outcome will be or to confirm a decision she’s already made. I don’t think Kerri’s asking what she needs to do.

          Gwyn

    • #742088

      [postquote quote=740809]

      If you loose them as friends, because of your feminine side, they were never real friends anyway!! How can you deal with your conscious and stay friends with bigots while putting on a macho act that is not your true self. You should get some new friends after revealing your true self to your existing friends. The new friends will accept you as you are.

      There is a saying:

      Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.

    • #742090

      We can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. To be part of the solution you need to come out of the closet and be your true self. The freedom is so liberating to be yourself anytime and anyplace. If we don’t stand up to anti-trans and anti-CD rants we are no better than the bigots and it should weigh very heavily on our conscious. Put on your big girl panties and be part of the solution!

    • #743061
      Amy Myers
      Baroness

      I feel fortunate to live where I do, in Canada, and I’ve found a high degree of acceptance here even in the conservative farming community in which I live. A few have even expressed thanks and admiration to me for being myself, which is a little too far, as I’m not all that brave as I’m not to everyone in all aspects of my life.

      None of my relatives have really expressed homophobic or anti trans comments I sense some would not be too accepting, though till one really comes out fully you never know. A good friend who lives not far from me recently has gone full time femme and has had near total acceptance.

      When I moved to this area a few years ago and got involved with some local groups and one evening someone made a seriously phobic comment. One gent brought his wife’s purse in with him so she do something else at the moment and this guy said “I hope that’s your wife’s purse, or else we will have to have a “chat” with you later behind the building”. This was said as a gag, but this person is retired local cop, so I can only imagine his actions way back.

      Amy

    • #743870

      Yes, my husbands family is very much homophonic and very much a bunch of bigots. If they knew the truth. God only knows what could happen.

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