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    • #104936
      Anonymous

      “Just be yourself!!”

      “Just be you and everything else does not matter.”

      “Just make yourself happy.”

      I have heard that for so many years from so many people and I don’t think people really realize what they are telling you to do.  Sometimes, being yourself can totally disrupt their lives.  Today…….I want to BE myself and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that “I WANT TO BE JENNIFER!!”  There…I said it.  I have never said these words in public and this is the closest I am willing to go in public…at least at this point.

      I want to be a woman.  I want to live life as a woman.  But how can I?  How can I take the risk of hurting so many people that I love….both friends and family?  How does one decide to risk alienating yourself from the people that love and support you….supposedly??  How does one choose to risk being alone?

      I was walking around my house today, en femme of course, and at one point I stopped and said to myself…I should have been born a girl.  Life would have been so much easier for me.  But I will never be a girl…not really.  Even if I have surgery to change my external appearance, I will never be a genetic girl……   But sometimes I so badly want it…to be magically transformed into a real woman…if only for a little while.

      Why do I have these feelings?  What cosmic force in the universe decides that these particular people will be born and have feelings like these?  I obviously am not the only one or there wouldn’t be this website and others out there.  Why does this happen so much?  There are so many things to deal with in this world, why are we having to struggle with what gender our mind tells us we are and what gender our bodies show us we are?!?!?

      I wish I had the answer for that.  I wish I could change something in my life.

      Maybe I am just too far down the road of life to change course now.  Maybe if I had talked about this when I was younger, I could have changed the direction of my life.  But my life now affects too many people and to change direction at this stage would cause so much pain….. and so much heartache for so many people that I care about.  How can I do that to them?……..I am not willing to do that…….but….. I still struggle so much with being male.  Hence the dilemma.

      I admire those who figured this out and I admire those who have the courage to chose life on their terms.  I wish I had that courage.  I wish I had made some different choices when I was younger……….I wish I was born a girl…………  But what has wishing ever gotten anyone?

      Everyone’s circumstances are different and I understand that.  For me and the circumstances that surround my life, I guess I will continue to live a lie…if nothing else to protect the people I love.

    • #104940

      Hi Jenifer

      so true, as I read this I see myself we are not alone thanks to CDH we can all be here for everyone else as well as our self

      • #104944
        Anonymous

        Thank you Paula.  You are right….here at CDH we CAN be here for each other.  Thank you.

    • #105047
      Terri
      Duchess

      Jennifer, I understand how you are feeling. My keyword in my life is balance. It is sometimes hard to find. I would love to live as a woman for awhile and see if that is really what I want. But I have a large family who I love very much. There are no easy answers. But you are not alone.

      Terri

    • #105095

      Hi Jennifer,

      You are not alone, there are plenty of people here to support you, not that will help immediately. To my mind, this is really about acceptance, you hear that word a lot here, accepting who you are, accepting what you are, but it is also accepting the person you are in the circumstances you find your self in. There is no point in beating yourself up about what you would have done had you known years ago what you know now. Everyone is wiser after the event, believe me had I known forty years ago what I know now my life would have been very different. Would it have been better? well in my dreams, yes of course it would, but in reality? who knows, it could have been a lot worse. The point here is you can’t change the past, what has gone, has gone. You need to move on, but you also need to accept you are the  person you are in the circumstances you are in. You clearly have a loving family that you don’t want to give  up, and who would? So, no matter how hard it is, you need to find a way to accommodate your desires and the practicalities of life. Counselling may help here, it will not give you the answer, but it may help you find your way in life. At the end of the day you will need to find an acceptable way to accommodate both sides of your life. This is not easy, there is no magic answer, it’s something you have to work through. Crossdressing and our desires can be all consuming, I’ve been there believe me! In accepting who you are in the circumstances you are in, you will find a balance to allow you to follow your desires without hurting the people you love.

      Take care, the answer is out there and you will fine it eventually, in the meantime try and relax and accept where you are, so that you can then move on in a positive way.

      Andrea

    • #106235

      That sounds like my story-knowing I will never be a woman,too old to change and closeted. It’s not uplifting but it’s something we all deal with every day.

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