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So today I received a phone call from my ex girlfriends mother who is in a lesbian relationship. She was trying to talk to me about an incident that happened recently. As I was explaining to her what had actually happened she became very angry and tried to tell me that my dressing was the reason that my girlfriend had cheated on me. I then tried to explain to her that she needed to make sure she had all the information on the goings on of her daughter prior to making judgement on my dressing as the cause. she demanded that I tell her what I meant. I told her that she needed to open her eyes and and ask her daughter what she is and has gotten herself into . I explained that I would and could stop dressing at any time if it would save our relationship but her daughter could not stop hers. she then became very angry and said that I am lying to myself and that cross dressing is not something that I could just put down it is who I was and I have been suppressing my urges until now. she said I needed to stop lying and just accept my authentic self and be the woman that I am. this is where I need help understanding I really love to dress and I love it because it s amazing to see the transformation that happens when I get all dolled up. It’s was fun and exciting to see my girlfriends reaction when she was accepting and how she would compliment me on how beautiful I was. It also was stimulating as well. Now I also like my male self as well and truly enjoy dressing up in nice suits and nice clothing. I like both side of my self being masculine and also being feminine. I think that being in touch with my feminine side allows me to express my feelings and emotions better than I do as my male self. I love hanging with the fellas and doing all the guy things. I noticed I was very stressed out when I’m my male mode but feel a release and able to escape that stress when dressing as female. How do I know what is my authentic self. Can any one help explain it to me what your authentic self is because I love all sides of myself. I am confused why do I have to pick one side or the other and why do I have to choose between being a man or being a woman? I am lost.
First of all, your girl friend’s mother should not be criticizing you. Be careful about talking to her. She is not your boss! For me, finding myself was a process of letting go of much conditioning and programming by my family & society. Early in my explorations many years ago, I bought a few items of women’s clothing and would toss them out during a purge. These were moments of massive guilt and shame that I was bad and flawed. Males in my family were very tough and macho. I also learned as a child to put everyone’s needs first, I became a pleaser. So what I really wanted in life came very last or not existent. I acted like everyone else wanted me too, and became what they wanted. I ended up hating my self and my life. Long walks and working on self love helped me. It helped me accept who I was and that I was different. And that was ok, even tho it didn’t fit the mold of men in family. Honestly, I became a better person. The men in my family were awful people and unkind to others.
You know your true self. Sometimes you just have to admit it to yourself.
I prefer to dress and present as a woman, but my heart knows I’m male. Every fibre of my being tells me I’m male, but from head to toe, for a large percentage of the time I present as female.
If I could, I would probably live full time dressed and presenting as female, but my head and heart would be male. I do not feel like a woman trapped inside a mans body. I am not transgender. I am a man that likes to dress and present as female. I look better as a female. I’m more confident as a female. I’m happier when presenting as female, but my head and heart are male.It took me a long time to accept this. I took a while to fully understand it. I sit in the void between being a crossdresser and being transgender. I’m sure that I’m not alone. I’m happy being a man, but I’m happier dressed as a woman. Once I accepted this, life became easier.
I too enjoy masculine things. My hobbies are very masculine. I enjoy meeting up with mates for drinks or breakfast.
I too get angry easier in male mode, but only slightly. I’m basically The same person no matter how I’m dressed. I just feel more relaxed as Cerys.Have a good look at yourself, both in male and female mode. You will soon find your true self, but you already know this, you just need to accept it.
My true self is me dressed and presenting as a female, but I’m not transgender. A friend of mine thinks I’m gender fluid, but my head and heart tell me I’m male. There is no movement there. I’m a man in a dress. I will always be a man in a dress.
Cerys
Hi Monica, Much of what you have written speaks to me, certainly being more relaxed as a woman. In my case I am widowed and live alone. I choose to spend my private time as a woman. I have now been out as a woman but away from my immediate neighbourhood. I am not however prepared to risk losing family and friends by coming out them, I simply feel I don’t need to, although I do feel anxiety at prospect of having to be full time as a man when family and friends visit. These visits however only a occur for short times a couple of times of year and a a couple of family holidays as well. For the last two year I have probably spent some 90% of time as a woman, there I things I like about the idea of being full time but that is not overall what is best for me now. Ultimately no one has the right to force you to choose and I have a balance that is while not ideal works for me. I wish you all the best.
Janet
Hi Monica
Thanks for sharing, so sorry this interaction is causing you angst at the moment.
You answered your question.
Why do you have to choose?In my view you are being your authentic self for the first time in your life. You being you! Why should you feel the need to justify yourself?
It is not you that is the problem, what you are doing is harming no one.
It is those whose views are clouded by societal, cultural, religious norms and expectations that have the problem.
Their ‘it’s just BECAUSE that’s the way we are MEANT to be’ attitude that is the problem, not you not you not you.You have the choice to be the person you are supposed to be or be yourself. Yes being who you want to be may ruffle feathers but that’s not your fault that they cannot see past the ties that bind them to conformity.
Stay strong, chin up chest out be you.
B x
Monica,
I’m sorry to hear you had this interaction with the mother of you ex-GF. The way she treated you was insensitive and inappropriate.
It sounds to me like you are living authentically as you are. The only person that can change what authentic means is you. You may discover things about yourself as you venture on your path, and that may lead to changes you didn’t foresee. A good gender therapist might make it easier for you to find some clarity.
Don’t punish yourself because someone refuses to accept you for who you are. If they don’t like it, it’s their problem. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If someone tries manipulating you into an argument, tell them their accusations and questions don’t merit a response. Then just walk away from the conversation.
Sometimes it’s best to cut someone off. If they refuse to accept you and won’t even have a civil discussion, they’re not worth your time. Life is too short to let agitators live rent free in your head.
Best of luck to you on your journey.
/EA
“It sounds to me like you are living authentically as you are.” I agree with Emily and the others who expressed similar sentiments. The Crossdressing Activity <——-> Identity spectrum is broad and we’re all at different places on it and that’s fine. You’re in the space that’s comfortable for you and no one can gainsay that.
Hugs & kisses,
W.More importantly, why are you discussing this with your x mother in law? You do understand she will always side with her daughter who will only present her side of the story to her mother. Your x did not need to cheat, she simply could have told you she lost interest in the relationship with you and moved on. Why didn’t she? Cheating just shows she is not trustworthy.
As for you being able to quit, unless you are a fetishist disguised as a cd, I doubt you can quit as only time will prove one way or the other. If you enjoy it, why quit anyway? Who cares? It’s your life to live, not theirs.Your authentic self is the person inside you that is honest to thyself first and foremost, and others as well. It comes from the heart and soul and cares not about what could have been or might have been but rather, what is.
If you stick with the truth always, you won’t have to backtrack later.Monica, you will find your authentic self the instant you decide to fully accept who you are. Not an easy task for many. Took me a lifetime but the day I accepted me truthfully and whole heartedly, I burden was lifted from my shoulders. I have lost friends, family in the process and found peace, joy, friends, love and truth in the days that followed. I finally know exactly who I am.
You answered your own question. The answer that fits me is I’m a heterosexual guy who loves presenting as a woman, I feel more confident dressed en femme but I’m als happy feeding my pigs and driving my tractor in an overal. We are all so different that one answer doesnt fit all. I stand in front of the mirror and see mee dressed as a woman and Im happy, I’mm still me, I use a female name because it sort of fits the image not because I feel female. I am at all times a man in female attire. I have a friend who stands in front of s mirror and wants real breasts and has begin with hormones.. but thats as far as he wants to go. Horses for courses. Just be happy with who you are is the answer.
Monica:
Gender issues are difficult to understand and to sort out. Potentially, there can be a lot of fear due to the possible consequences of significant changes in our lives that may be needed. There is also considerable shame involved because crossdressing or being transgender is more than likely counter to how we have been raised; to say nothing of societal expectations.
Many have worked with therapists in order to understand what is happening. But, it is important to work with someone who has experience in gender issues as not everyone has that particular background.
It is also important to understand that there are MANY variations on how things work for all of us. This is not a cookie-cutter deal; not by any stretch of the imagination.
Rest assured that many others have been through similar situation. Sadly, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. But, most importantly, it is survivable. Hu-mans are strange creatures in that often we do not do well with change in our lives and those around us. That is reflected in the interactions that you described. Everyone deserves the right to find what best suits the life that they need to live. Anyone or anything that works counter to that is neither helpful or useful.
Agree with the other ladies I do. If your more happy as a woman, if your happiest as a woman, if you prefer the woman presentation, if people that know you can see that you are more happier as a woman, if some people that know you likes the new you more then you are your true self the real you by presenting as a woman with wanting to take hormones and be a woman forever for real physically. This makes you transgender and there’s nothing wrong with that sweetie. But if your happy equally as both male and female with presenting as both then your a crossdresser which also is okay to be hun.
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