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Yesterday there was an article on the radio about gender pronouns and the resistance some people have to using them.
This got me thinking about how CDs may prefer different pronouns and names depending on how they are presenting.Personally, at this point on my exploration of this side of me I find I am happy to use my given name no matter how I am presenting and I am fine with “he”, but if someone were to use “she” or call me Ma’am while I was enfemme I think it would make my day.
Perhaps my view will change as I dig deeper and get to know DeLora better.
I prefer to be referred to by feminine pronouns when an femme, by masculine pronouns when ‘in drab’. (I hate that description, is there a better one). I have been referred to as Madam, it’s an age thing, and in my younger days was called Miss on a few occasions. I also have a business persona. She is called Sian all the time and by everyone. I wear a name badge to make sure.
I have had some horrors when it comes to what some people have called me. I am not going into those!
My feminine side came by the name Bianca when I first joined this site and everybody else had a feminine alias.
My first time interacting with others en femme was on a GNO for members on this site so everybody knew me as Bianca, and I was totally cool with it.
The only other time was when I went to get colour matched for foundation at a beauty counter and ended up getting a makeover! The beautician asked me my name, and I guess due to the situation I said Bianca. Felt a bit weird at first but as I began to relax, and the makeover progressed I loved it.
Still nobody in my daily life knows about Bianca, so only when on this site, or when nobody knows my real name would I use Bianca, at the moment!
Who knows what the future brings, I like the name Bianca more than my real name🤣
love
B
I have no misgivings with the fact that most people who aren’t themselves or aren’t involved with somebody in their life, have a hard time relating to thought of any kind of gender modification be it mental or physical. So while I’m thrilled to be known as ‘she’ when en femme neither label offends me.
I have quite a few people in my life who know about me so I readily and easily answer to either name used.
Pronouns are not an issue for me. I’ve been mistake for a woman by my voice since I was a teenager. I’ve lost count how many students have called me Mrs. As man and a teacher, I am in the minority. In the end whether it’s sir, ma’am, he, or she if the reference is with respect, I take no offense.
MacKenzie Alexandra
I definitely prefer the female pronoun when I’m dressed and male otherwise. But I’ve had numerous encounters being called the wrong pronoun (and sometimes intentionally) – both ways.
I was taught that if a person presents as female you should use the female pronoun and if they present as male then use the male pronoun. However, the woman who gave me my first makeover always calls me by my female name, even when dressed as a male. She told me once, your mother/wife/girlfriend is still your mother/wife/girlfriend when she is wearing pants and no makeup. The funny thing is, I don’t think she even remembers my male name. There is a street with my name 2 blocks from her house. When we drove past it, I said “That’s my street.” I don’t think she got the reference.
I’ve never gone out en femme but did grow my hair long years ago. As a result, I’ve been mistaken for a female a few times at restaurants. It never bothered me to be called ma’am or lady. However, it upset the waitress when she accidentally used the wrong pronoun. I choose the name Samantha Murphy because it was required by the site but, I have grown fond of the name. I doubt I’ll ever be confident enough to go out en femme, but I do think I would love to be called Samantha.
I’m kind of midway between identifying as female and preferring ‘she’ and my femme name when I’m dressed, and not being bothered about it. Generally if someone doesn’t know me, and I am dressed I prefer (and expect) to be treated how appear – not just for my sake, but if a person does it for me then they’re going to do it for someone for whom it really matters. But people who know me – family, friends, work-colleagues – tend to just use whatever name or pronoun they are most comfortable with, and I’m happy with that.
Hope that makes sense
As at my core level I believe I am a woman. Thus I am a trans-woman. I have never been out of the closet to experience actual every day life, but should I finally make that a reality I would be offended if I were to be mis gendered intentionally.
Should I make going public my reality it would be because I am finally completely convinced that truly being related to as a woman is not just something I like or long for but it is because I am fully persuaded that real personhood is female. I AM a woman. So I would expect to be related to as one; she, her, Ma’am, Miss, Mrs etc.
Should I transition I would do so openly, rather than in stealth mode. My goodness, I have lived my whole life hiding. If I were to transition it would be to stop hiding not continue it. I would own the truth that I am a woman who is trans. I am a trans woman, which means that for most of my life I presented as a man. If someone who knew me as a man mis gendered me accidentally; no big deal. I suppose how I would handle such a slip would be on a case by case basis. However mis gendering me intentionally without any respect for who I truly am would embarrass me, cut me deeply and probably would become grounds for ending that relationship.
The only place I currently present as a woman is here on CDH and TGH. It’s hard to explain, though I have attempted to do so in other forum posts, when I am here or dressed even partially (skirt, bra with forms, nice top, no make up, no wig) I am Charlene in my mind and heart. Mentally the male me is put away. During those moments I am functioning as much as I possibly know how as a woman. Feminine pronouns / references are the only ones which seem appropriate.
DeLora thank you for your question. It has challenged me to think even more deeply about who I really am at my core level.
I prefer to be called Heather or ma’am, it feels nice. I went through a great deal of getting ready to go out so it’s kind of recognition. As Mackenzie said I really don’t care as long as it’s used with respect besides after some of the names I’ve been called I don’t offend too easily.
To be identified as a women would be a dream come true.
It still makes my day a little brighter when I am called Ma’am, and when I am out enfemme (most of the time BTW.) I prefer to be referred to in the female.
I understand that many people still have not gotten it figured out, but really do not mean to offend me if they get it wrong. I can live with that, but I will politely mention to them how I would like to be referred to, in public or private.
But, there are still a few old soreheads out there that will misidentify you on purpose just to take a dig at you because you are different from their perception of ‘normal’. I will still show some patience to those people , but for just so long, before I usually give them a very vocal and embarrassing ‘correction’ so that the same people who heard them digging on me will hear that I will not tolerate it beyond a certain point.
Most people in our small town know me as I am and do not make an issue of it at all, but there will always be exceptions.
PaulaF
when nicely dressed and out in public, I would be wexed if someone called me Mr – it would almost be like an insult! Love the pampering of being treated “madame”, have my suitcase taken to the room in the hotels and men holding the door for me.
When I am dressed up, I am a woman and act as such!
I am transgender, non-binary. None of the responses exactly fit, but the 1st and 4th would be close if melded into one response. 80% to 90% of the time when I leave my home, I am dressed. The vast majority of people here know me as DeeAnn and use the appropriate pronouns. For the rest of the time, I present as Don for various reasons. These days it sounds a bit odd to be referred to as “sir” when I’m presenting as male. No problem with it, but I suspect it has to do with frequency.
Perhaps 10% to 20% of the time I am misgendered when dressed. It is disappointing and remains a mystery when I’m wearing a dress or skirt, full makeup, hat, jewelry, purse, heels and noticeable breasts. Logic would dictate that I’m not going for “sir”, but something overrides the visuals for people…
Thanks Delora for your thoughts. I have taken to answering the land line phone in a more feminine tone, and have been called ma’am more than once. That made my day. Then there was years ago before I got back into CD, when I let my hair grow out a little I was called ma’am at the checkout several times. At that time I was somewhat anoid but secretly pleased.
Tiff, I’ve seen the best response to this… “My real name is ‘Tiff’, my DEAD name is xxxx”. Apparently this draws the distinction and most people have difficulty processing ‘Dead’ and the person in front of them clearly being alive; I asked about this (it was a long time ago), and the response is that you rarely need to do it twice. YMMV
-Molly
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