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  • #145225
    Helene van der Tee
    Participant
    Registered On: August 18, 2018
    Topics: 2
    Replies: 19
    Has thanked: 42 times
    Been thanked: 86 times

    I told my Wife 23 years ago that I was a crossdresser, I had tested the water and often joked about cleaning the house ‘en femme’ while she was at work which she laughed and said “sounds like fun”. We had been in a relationship for three years, with her general thoughts on gay rights, human rights and generally liberal tendencies etc etc, decided that it was time to come out. I could’nt have been more wrong. She freaked, I think she even went to the doctor to ask if it was ok that I wore womens attire. I was devastated, I didnt realise that I could be so wrong, it made me feel dirty, perverted and ashamed. It drove me back into the closet, and thats where I have been since.It was never mentioned again. Wind forward to 2019, we are still together, I’m still in the closet but I am so fed up with being there, that I dont know what to do. I love her dearly and cant take hurting her but I cant take not being able to be me anymore. I’m fed up with feeling guilty and ashamed, fed up with worrying about getting caught dressed, fed up with hiding. How can I bring it up again? I need some strategy for coming out. I thought about writing everything down and just let her find it open on the computer, at least she could get to read everything I feel, and the assurances that Im not going to run away with a man, and that I have no urge to transition before confronting me with her feelings and thoughts.

Viewing 8 reply threads
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    • #576312
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 1168
      Has thanked: 4389 times
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      Honesty is the best policy and you have been honest. She may well have very liberal views and if it was one of your best friends I am sure there would be open support from her. But it is you, the person she thought she knew, her partner and that is different. The questions she asks are quite reasonable as there is a lot running through her mind. One would be if that you were out and about and were outed and everyone in your circle got to know. What would that reaction be what about the kids? The list will go on in her mind and until she has the whole thing in perspective so may not be settled for quite some time.  In some respects it is easier to have an affair than to find out the partner is a crossdresser. She could run to her friends, with this is something different. One important question, one I was asked,’Can you give it up?’ and I think the answer is obvious.

      So answer her questions honestly and give her plenty of assurances. You know why you are doing this and are prepared to work with her. She herself has said ‘We’ll get through this’ and it is a good start. You have to accept that this a deceit to her and it will take time to settle.

      Every one here has differing experiences in this and each is unique. In yours you have 23 years invested and children too. Investments can go down as well as up so make the conditions good for them to climb and stay strong.

       

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #576263
      Elizabeth(Liz)
      Lady
      Registered On: October 7, 2021
      Topics: 34
      Replies: 393
      Has thanked: 2719 times
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      Helene you’ve been very frank and open and thank you for your article. I’m in a similar situation. Other girls in the group will be able better to advise you than me, but you know that you’ve a support group here.

      Hope everything works out for you

      Liz

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #576120
      Helene van der Tee
      Lady
      Registered On: August 18, 2018
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 19
      Has thanked: 42 times
      Been thanked: 86 times

      Well, an update after two years, we have worked really hard to get our relationship back on track. We decided we needed help and started relationship therapy to help us talk to each other. Things have become really clear on both sides, my wife has accepted that I crossdress and I understand the betrayal she felt not with me not being open about my wishes. We have been given tasks to sort out how to make my dressing work in our lives, I have to come up with what I need to be open, after so many years and coming out, its still difficult to broach the subject in such an open manner yet thats what my wife wants. She suggested taking the kids away for a couple of days and whn they asked “is papa coming along” she looked at me and said “ no I dont think so, papa has other things he needs to do”. I was completely shocked, she has made room for Helene, she has more courage than I do in being open towards me. I never expected this could happen. We are happy as a couple, we laugh and enjoy spending time together again. Its been a long journey but I’m glad we made it. I love her dearly and hope that we can get on with our lives….together.

      • #576296
        Lacy Satin
        Lady
        Registered On: June 27, 2018
        Topics: 7
        Replies: 483
        Has thanked: 442 times
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        I’m very happy for you Helen. It’s got to make you feel wonderful to not have to hide that side of you that is very much a part of who makes you the loving husband you are.

        I remember the first time my wife gave me the time and space to explore my feminine side. I had a wonderful 4 days alone to just be myself and explore my femininity to it’s fullest.

        I found it a little strange that as much as I was enjoying the freedom of being in a blissful world of femininity 24 hrs. a day I was comfortable going back to being the man my wife married and anxiously awaiting her return.

        Allowing us to be able to get in touch with our feminine side when we feel the need to escape adds balance to our life that so many wives just don’t understand. After all… we married them because we love women and their femininity and for reasons too vast to explain, we just have a need to emulate them.

        I know I wouldn’t want my life to be any different and I’m not at all ashamed about being a crossdresser. I love my wife and she loves me, both my masculine side and my feminine side.

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #576342
          Helene van der Tee
          Lady
          Registered On: August 18, 2018
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 19
          Has thanked: 42 times
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          You hit the nail squarely on the head, its the weirdest feeling to actually have the suggestion for her to have timecalone as Helene. Thanks for your reply.

          2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #576249
        Raquel Smith
        Lady
        Registered On: August 26, 2021
        Topics: 19
        Replies: 915
        Has thanked: 3061 times
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        Congratulations, Helen.  It sounds like it has been a very long road for you, but that you have things worked out, finally.  I hope things continue to get better.

        Much love,

        Raquel

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #223845
      Anonymous
      Topics: 0
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      Dear Helene

      You are not alone, or doing anything wrong or harmful. Nothing to be ashamed of.

      What you are confronting is society’s pointless and frankly damaging conditioning.

      If you still love your wife, this is an important viewpoint to consider.

      You are not fighting her, but for her.

      If you feel the need to express your femme side, like you can’t stifle it any longer, then you won’t be able to. It needs an outlet – but your wife needs time, maybe a lot of time – years, possibly, to come to terms with it.

      From your description  so do you.

      You say you don’t know what you want.

      That is the first hurdle, and it’s a big one – but you can take it in small steps.

      It’s not going to be resolved overnight, so accept what you can. Reduce the noise in your head and heart, and find out things you do want, one at a time if necessary. There’s no need to panic – or any use for panic!

      Continue to dress in private – allow time, and time to revert back to male mode.

      Book a hotel for a night. Drive somewhere quiet and walk en femme – taste the freedom and see if it’s for you.

      Your wife may even appreciate that a little time and space to think is useful for both of you.

      I resisted the hotel thing until my wife booked one for me.

      Now I can’t wait to go back, my understanding of what I want is clearer than it’s ever been, and my relationship with the world and my own mental health is much improved.

      This is something I would wish for every trapped closeted cross dresser.

      We’re no more weird than women who choose not to wear makeup or pretty dresses and heels!

      But it’s going to take something to get society to see that.

      And we are that something.

      Love Laura

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #221012
      Helene van der Tee
      Lady
      Registered On: August 18, 2018
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 19
      Has thanked: 42 times
      Been thanked: 86 times

      I told my Wife 23 years ago that I was a crossdresser, I had tested the water and often joked about cleaning the house ‘en femme’ while she was at work which she laughed and said “sounds like fun”. We had been in a relationship for three years, with her general thoughts on gay rights, human rights and generally liberal tendencies etc etc, decided that it was time to come out. I could’nt have been more wrong. She freaked, I think she even went to the doctor to ask if it was ok that I wore womens attire. I was devastated, I didnt realise that I could be so wrong, it made me feel dirty, perverted and ashamed. It drove me back into the closet, and thats where I have been since.It was never mentioned again. Wind forward to 2019, we are still together, I’m still in the closet but I am so fed up with being there, that I dont know what to do. I love her dearly and cant take hurting her but I cant take not being able to be me anymore. I’m fed up with feeling guilty and ashamed, fed up with worrying about getting caught dressed, fed up with hiding. How can I bring it up again? I need some strategy for coming out. I thought about writing everything down and just let her find it open on the computer, at least she could get to read everything I feel, and the assurances that Im not going to run away with a man, and that I have no urge to transition before confronting me with her feelings and thoughts.

      Update:

      Well! Theres was never going to be a good time to do it, but I did. The kids were staying with friends and I couldn’t contain myself any longer and started ‘the conversation’. It of course went down like a lead balloon, she accused me of  deceit, and that I’d lied saying that I would stop way back then… Which I didnt. I explained about how I thought she’d be ok with my CDing, what with coming over so accepting of others in the same situation at the time. Saturday was a disaster, which in all reality was what I expected. Forward to today, this morning we had a reasonably normal conversation over what I expect from her, and I couldn’t think of an answer, I do not know what I want. My crossdressing is so ‘removed’ from our relationship that I really have no idea. I told her I just want to be honest about who I am, I dont want to creep about in the background but also I cant see myself dressing or sharing make-up tips either. We are luckily so far that there is a declaration of “we will get through this” so now we have to figure out ‘how further’. My wife asked what I did when dressed? did I go out in public? when? Is there clothing in the house? Why do I do this?…I dont know what to say as I dont want to freak her out any further… but I need to answer her questions honestly now that I have opened the tigers cage. I hate that I have relief and that she has anguish. I think its a case of time and honesty that will win through eventually. Im just scared of what the future brings

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #224858
        Autumn Valiant
        Duchess
        Registered On: July 14, 2019
        Topics: 51
        Replies: 1238
        Has thanked: 21507 times
        Been thanked: 3800 times

        Hi Helene,

        Thank you for being so brave. I think the relief you feel comes from the fact that you carried the Anguish yourself for 23 years.

        Picture carrying a heavy physical load, like a trunk full of clothing, by yourself for a long time. She now has one end of the trunk you still have the other. It’s a relief because your burden feels lighter, but it’s still there. You need to convey this to her. She needs to understand you burdened yourself for her happiness and to keep the marriage together for 23 years. You did it alone.  You reached your breaking point. I think it’s fair she helps you now. I hope she recovers from this initial shock and joins you carrying things forward.

        Hugs

         

         

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #145478
      Fiona-Ann Moss
      Lady
      Registered On: October 7, 2018
      Topics: 368
      Replies: 1174
      Has thanked: 3564 times
      Been thanked: 3799 times

      Hi Helene. What an awful situation to be in and I do sympathise with you. Technically, your wife already knows from the first time telling her, so maybe the second time wont be so much of a shock. I think the worst thing you could do is write it all down and leave it on the computer. Your wife will have 1001 questions and all sorts running through her head. No, it has to be done in person, no doubt about that, its the safest and fairest way to go. How do you go about it? and when? sooner the better, but be careful, you have to weigh up the pro’s and con’s, what will you have to lose, do you think it might come to that? I dont know your wife, so I dont know what she is like as a person. I think, if you think its safe to go ahead, choose a time when you are both relaxed, never ever do it when there is tension or stress around. Just mention it at first and wait for the reply, some people will give different responses depending on their mood. If she is ok talking, then go ahead slowly, if not, then leave alone for a while, the last thing you want is a heated, stressful argument or discussion.
      Another point too is, respect your wifes thoughts and emotions, some wifes take it easy, some dont, they are all different! remember, this will have come as a shock to her and she might not be able to deal with it straight away. She might need time to chew it over and gather her thoughts. Good luck! hope it goes ok for you, just tread very carefully!

      Fiona xxx

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #145452
      eleanor holborn
      Managing Ambassador
      Registered On: September 23, 2018
      Topics: 2548
      Replies: 403
      Has thanked: 157 times
      Been thanked: 491 times

      I know its a very difficult sensitive situation.  Attitudes have changed but i think mainly amongst younger people.

      Its difficult for a lot of SO’s to except or understand go with your heart.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #145301
      Dame Veronica Graunwolf
      Registered On: May 8, 2017
      Topics: 55
      Replies: 1973
      Has thanked: 1755 times
      Been thanked: 2149 times

      Hello Helene from the Netherlands!  I am sad to read about your history and sadness. In married life….sometimes a separation must occur due to changes in ourselves now that were not there when we were young. This happens. Helene…..you must be happy with yourself BEFORE you can make others be happy with you. May I suggest that you take yourself out to the country to a wide open space with trees and grass and maybe a river….alone by yourself. Sit by that tree, close your eyes and open your ears and listen to the sounds of nature. clear you mind and just listen for your answer will be given on the wind. Examine your life to date and look to the future….what is it you want the rest of your life to be like?

      When you know that answer….the path before you will open and you will know where you are meant to go. Often times that choice will be very costly and heartbreaking, but at the end of it all….you will be content within yourself and be better able to direct your path to enlightenment.

      I am here for you if you wish to talk further….my door is always open…do come in and set a spell. Perhaps I may be of assistance in your quest.

      Hugs……..

      Dame Veronica – Knight Templar

    • #145226
      Caty Ryan
      Baroness
      Registered On: August 27, 2017
      Topics: 122
      Replies: 1100
      Has thanked: 8 times
      Been thanked: 4398 times

      Dear Helene,

      Sounds like you are about my “vintage” aka been a CD for decades. The old writing it down and leaving  it for her to read thing rarely works

      Any chance of you having a “guys weekend away”, but find yourself a motel and do your femme thing there? If this might work try to think of a long lost buddy who’s just come back to somewhere a suitable distance away and check in there.

      Yes I know its a straight out lie, but if you are like me with my SO, damned if I discuss it with her and damned if she finds out I’ve been telling porkies

      The other similarity between us is my beloved knows, but like yours, does not approve.

      Actually times 2. I was married to someone for nearly 30 years “who I owned up to”.

      I did a “written thing” once, she took it out in the backyard and burnt it.

      PM me if you’d like to discuss this further

      Good luck

       

      Caty Ryan

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #145231
        Helene van der Tee
        Lady
        Registered On: August 18, 2018
        Topics: 2
        Replies: 19
        Has thanked: 42 times
        Been thanked: 86 times

        I live in the Netherlands, which is pretty liberal. We a support group and a bi-monthly open evening in the city where I live. I have been thinking about getting a shureguard storage box so I can keep my clothes and dress, but this is what I have been doing. Its again creeping around, I dont want her to take part in my crossdressing or even accept it around her, I want her acknowledge that its a part of me, to recognise that I need time to be Helene and understand that Helene is not a threat but an essential part of my make-up.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
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