how i am felling today / right now

[Jenny]

I am new here, am not sure where to go, to write this. But it always feels better to at  least get it off my chest. Ha ha I wish I had a chest. I stand here in my home in front of my mirror, so happy to try on a new prey tank top.  And I thought I would be happy, I was when I bought it. But I feel ashamed that I bought it, I feel like I am ugly! Why do I even try, these clothes this make up I bought it can’t make me look pretty. I look stupid! Then I think why do I do this CD. A d I have no answer for myself. What must I look like to my wife she has seen me In a nightgown, an a few tank tops and some other clothes,  I must look like a FOOL! To her,….. I said to myself no no more, and then I can’t resist looking at women’s clothes when I’m out at the department store or even buying something as simple and cheap as a pretty  tank top, I can’t justify it it’s not even expensive. But I had to have it and now I feel like why… Why do I want these things, clothes? I feel torn, I want to be me, man, but I want to be pretty too! I don’t know, just wanted to talk but to afraid to go to the chat room to afraid to talk to wife. I wish not to hear what she might say, what if she told me I am a fool and she has been hoping this new side of me was going to just go away, then what. I hate confrontation of any kind always have.

[Jennifer]

I’m sorry you’re feeling shame over this. You’re not alone. It’s taken me a lot of years to be OK with who I am. It’s not about how good you look when dressed. Besides, it takes some practice. Our wives have been putting on makeup for years. They have the natural body shape to fit the clothes. We have to put a lot more effort in. We do the best we can. We shouldn’t get caught in the same “beauty trap” that women are caught in. It’s about being able to fully express ourselves, even if we don’t look like we stepped off a runway. I want to feel beautiful, even if an objective observer may disagree.

I hate confrontation, too. The only advice I have is to be brutally honest with yourself and your wife.

[Rose]

HI Jenny. I’m not usually good at advice, but I’ll try…

The world would be a better place if we would just forget about trying to put people into “boxes” with labels. Because, putting somebody into a box is the whole point of a label. More specifically, it’s human nature to then take those boxes and put them into one of two other “bigger” boxes — “One of Us” or “One of Them”. In a lot of ways, these boxes are comforting for our psyches, but (at least in my opinion) overall they cause more harm than good.

A friend of mine, who didn’t know I was a CD, recently posted this on Facebook. I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and she now knows at least a little part of my gender fluidity because I felt compelled to send her a message to thank her for posting it and standing up for all of us. Her comment when she shared it, though, may be especially useful: “This breaks my heart. Activities aren’t “male” or “female”. As Eddie Izzard said “I don’t wear women’s clothes, I wear my clothes. I bought them.” We need to stop putting artificial shame in places where it doesn’t belong.”

So those tanktops you bought? That nightgown? That skirt? You rock them, girl! They aren’t “girl” clothes. They’re Jenny’s clothes. Be you, as much as possible.

[Author]

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