How should I handle the relationship with my mother?

[Angelica]

Hi everyone,

So about 10 years ago at the age of 19 I came out to my mom as a crossdresser and she did not take it well. We ended up going to counseling together but we never truly settled the matter. It just became sort of a “don’t ask don’t tell” kind of situation. Eventually I made the mistake of trying to suppress my feminine side in order to lessen the drama between my mom and I. And for a while I was fooling myself, believing that the crossdressing I had done earlier as a teen was just a phase. I am 29 now, about to turn 30, and for the first time I have acknowledged what I didn’t want to admit just a few years ago. That my feminine side never truly went away. I may have managed to suppress it all these years, but now I don’t want to any more. I miss the feeling of wearing women’s clothes, I miss putting on makeup and going out en femme. Part of the issue I am facing now is that due to my current financial circumstances I cannot see myself moving out and living on my own any time soon. The fact that I am about to turn 30 gives me even more pressure and anxiety. I feel that I am losing out on my youth, on my chance to be the real me. I have been told before by others that if I live in her house then its her rules. But, this is very frustrating for me. I am almost 30 for crying out loud! I am an adult! I want to tell my mom that as an adult I expect more liberties at home. I want to tell her that unlike 10 years ago, this time I’m not asking for her permission to let me crossdress at home or elsewhere, I’m telling her this is who I am and this is what I’m going to begin doing so be ready for it and don’t act all surprised when you see it happen. So how do I tell this to my mom without it turning into another argument? Again, what tips do you have on how I can bring this up to her? I’m not interested in being told that I should just move out if I want that kind of freedom because I already know that. But my financial situation isn’t going to improve any time soon, and I’m not about to continue to sacrifice my happiness in the meantime while hoping to eventually be able to move out in another 4 to 10 years from now. Any tips on what I can say and how I can say it would be greatly appreciated. If anyone has had similar struggles and were able to earn their parents’ acceptance I would love to hear what worked for you. Thank you!

P.S: Just so everyone knows I am going to be seeing a counseler to talk about exactly just this, I just want to get the point of view from fellow crossdressers as well.

-Angelica

5 users thanked author for this post.

Laura Lovett, Trisha Lilly Hibbert, Donna, Molly, Rozalyne Richards

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[Trisha Lilly Hibbert]

Hi  Angelica, I know exactly how you feel. I’m 31 and Trish burst out on my birthday with similar pressures.

I currently live with my bio dad. He’s accepting enough of me. The rules we setup are;

1. I don’t dress too femininity in common areas, I’ll wear leggings ect in them not skirts.
2. I’m not Trish to him but Chris. So I try and use what little remains of my male personality. PS I’m trans.

These seem to work. I definitely agree with what Molly said.

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Laura Lovett, Molly

[Mary Jane]

Adulting is dificult at the best of times. But the reality is your an adult and no longer a kid.

Are you paying rent, or being fully supported by your mother? Seems if your being fully supported at the age of 30, your not doing a good job at this adulting caper. (I know strong words. Honest words.)

Who will be paying for your clothing and makeup? Big question. I think its unreasonable to expect your mother to.

 

1 user thanked author for this post.

Laura Lovett

[Angelica]

I pay rent and I pay for my own clothes, I plan on buying makeup soon. I just can’t afford rent on my own. To be honest my mom wouldn’t be able to make it on her own without my financial assistance either so it’s kind of like a symbiotic financial relationship at the moment.

[Bettylou Cox]

Hi Angelica,

You are in a difficult situation, but far from alone in these difficult times. I’m sure many of us (myself included) have been in your heels at one time; and for us older girls, many have been in your mom’s situation (again, myself included). Many conflicts in life are negotiable; perhaps your Dressing is one of them, and you might ask, carefully. But if the answer is “no”, then I can only tell you “Her, house, her rules”, no matter your ages. I had to enforce a “no smoking” rule once, long ago, when my younger daughter returned to the nest; I’m hypersensitive to the smoke, so it was necessary….but even had it not been, still my house.

Hugs,
Bettylou

3 users thanked author for this post.

Molly, Marti, Mary Jane

[James Brine]

Sorry to hear about your situation. My experience had me suppressing for 10 years since i met my wife and got married. A lot of ups and downs mixed with stupidity (thinking it would go away). I can only speak for myself but what I went through was unfair, constantly being misjudged because of my wife’s assumptions. We got through it with communication/conflict  (with safeguards in place), having to be the bigger guy & gal in the room. I expressed the harm these thoughts are causing me when managed poorly. I said I’m open to anything that is scientifically proven to work. That helped. Accepting it is the best solution.

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Laura Lovett

[Donna]

At 56 told my family 10 years ago that been cross dressing for awhile. My mother and father are understanding parents for sure. They took it well since really been wanting to be girl and woman since small.  Even visit them once a week cross dressed.  Also told them remember they really wanted a daughter well long story short after 56 years they are on their way to having their wish. As I decided to start my HRT  few weeks ago and will go full woman when time comes.  Don’t fade away from your mother  for not understanding do the therapy then get your mother to go with you.  Wishing you the best of luck

[Molly]

Angelica;

My deepest sympathies, and while that is often used for bereavement, it’s appropriate here too.     Please note that I’m not a therapist/counsellor and this is just another lay person talking.   I don’t have to live with the consequences, so please take this as simply my opinion.  I personally have not had to deal with my mother, and probably won’t for many reasons, but I have come out to my wife and daughters, and that’s an ongoing exercise.

1. Keep that appointment with the counsellor as it’s very important.

2. Realize that it may not be possible to have this discussion with your mother without a conflict, but the conflict is only a moment in time.  Suppressing will only make it so much worse for you in the long term.  This doesn’t seem to go away with suppression, (mind you, being very similar to asking about the afterlife, if it did work we probably wouldn’t hear about it.)  Suppression didn’t work for me.

3. There’s a reason it’s called living an authentic life, or living your truth.   It’s not up to anyone else to define that, only you can do that.

4. Your mother MAY be reacting in such a vehement fashion as a misguided desire to protect you from what she perceives as a difficult life (and it was very difficult in her generation).   Doesn’t make it right, or acceptable, but may help you deal with a negative response.

5. It may be a non issue or it may be hard.   Either way we will be here to listen, we may not be able to do anything more substantial than that, but there’s always someone here to listen.

To sum it up..    Delicately but firmly would be my answer to your question of how to handle your mother.

Sending you as many good vibes as I can.

– Molly

3 users thanked author for this post.

Laura Lovett, Olivia Livin, Trisha Lilly Hibbert

[Rozalyne Richards]

Hi Angelica I’m in my 60s and I’m still a cross-dresser, it never goes away your feminine side it’s with you all your life,

I’ve found that i can go for ages without dressing but it’s always there and Rozalyne will always find her way out of that closet,

As for any advice you can tell your mother I’m not sure if i can help you with that I’m still stuck in the closet to all my family,

Hugs Rozalyne x

[LisaT]

At 30 you should just do what you want.  Discuss with your mother but make 2 things clear. Firstly you want to keep your relationship with her and be there for her.  Secondly you are an adult and it’s going to happen because you have to live your life.

3 users thanked author for this post.

Laura Lovett, Olivia Livin, Molly

[Author]

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