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Hi everyone. Since re-joining CDH after my Three year hiatus to pursue other things, i have been asked a few times how i came out to my wife and Family. This is a very complicated subject to broach as everyones circumstances are different. I am going to attempt to answer this question as objectively and comprehensively as i can, looking at it from both sides of the fence. I am brutally honest and i dont sugar coat anything.
Whether you Crossdress or are Transgender the goal is to progress. To progress you are going to get noticed by going places or trying to dress more at home. Its a natural thing to want to do as having the same routine day in day out will make you become unmotivated and unhappy.
The question of who you tell depends on what you wish to gain or lose. Some people will accept with open arms and others wont. Everyone has his or her own opinions and its devilishly hard to make some understand. So, what do you wish to gain? Well the answer is obvious, you want to be able to live your life as you please. To do this, you have to tell people but there lies a problem, who do you tell? My advice here is try to tell as fewer people as possible to avoid potential collateral damage. This is a big deal, its not like telling someone you have Coelics disease or you collect Beer mats. This is where you can lose a great deal if you are not reasonably sure how the person might react, remember, once said, it cannot be unsaid. Obvious people to begin with are your partners as they are on the front line.
I will say this, you know your partner or kids way better than i do and you should have a rough idea how they might react. Are they open minded? Do they support the LGBT community? What do they say or think about people who cross dress or are Transgender? If they dont agree with it all then its a warning sign that your admission aint going to go down so well. This is not set in stone however. Some people can be the complete opposite as to how you expect them to be which further confuses the situation. Another point i would like to make is its one thing your partner accepting Cross dressing or the Trans community but its another thing if he or she is told her partner is one.
Ask yourself, what you really want out of all this. Do you intend to just stay at home and dress or maybe go places? Ask yourself truthfully can you afford to lose a lot? By this, i mean Family, Friends, Home, Job etc. Of course there is absolutely no guarantee it will come to this but its the worst case scenario.
There are Three basic types of people in this world.
1. people who are open minded and pro most things
2. people who are dead against pretty much anything and everything
3. people who are somewhere in the middleDO NOT rush into anything, dont make rash decisions although i fully appreciate how badly you want to live as you wish, take it slowly and treat each little victory no matter how small as a bonus.
On a final note and i feel this might upset some, remember, this is not all just about you, respect your partners feelings too, turn the tables, how would you feel if the situation was reversed, honestly? For most partners or children, its a hell of a shock to find out.
I hope this rather long note helps and you all have not fallen asleep reading it! I truthfully wish i had a magic answer but i dont and to be fair, there is no answer. Some people reading this will be in worse circumstances than others, some may live alone. Good luck everyone.
Love and kisses, Fiona-Ann Moss xx
EXCELLENT words of advice and well written!
While we all seek acceptance from the world, we are still far away from that. We wish our partners would encourage, appreciate, participate and assist us with our exploration of cross dressing, again, some get this, but sad to say most do not.
Thankyou Leah. Yes sadly society has dealt us a bum deal. I have noticed things slowly moving forward but the wheels of motion turn very slowly. From experience a lot of people are afraid of expressing their true opinions but would rather ‘follow suit’ and follow their friends opinions or family. I secretly hope and pray things will get better, they will but its going to be a long wait….
Fiona xx
I like what you said, “It is not all about you.” Its something I often say as well.
While my wife knows I dress and we go and get our toes polished together, I don’t dress around her, as she married man, and not a woman. (I have plenty of time to dress on my own.)
Hi Peta, thanks for your reply. I feared that by saying ‘its not all about you’ that it would upset people, however i believe in saying things as they are, being open and truthful. Its all to easy to play the victim in all this but we have to remember that our wives or husbands, even kids can be victims too as harsh and uncaring as it sounds. I’m a realist and look at things at face value. No point burying our heads in the sand.
Fiona xx
And when I titled the other article what I did, it was only to point out that the prerequisite for telling others or gaining ANY acceptance is to be honest with YOURSELF first and accept YOURSELF before expecting anyone else to. Not at all saying
that others aren’t affected by your decision and need to have that be part of your thought process and decision-BUT its a PART not the entirety of it. Our own sanity and mental well being in general are equally important. To me it’s similar to “staying married for the kids” in a toxic marriage-that can do more harm than good if staying together makes it a miserable situation anyway. Similarly, if the dysphoria is great enough then ignoring it is or can be worse than the breakup(if that occurs).
Again -just my opinion…
CynIt’s all about what is important. I’m fully heterosexual, but like wearing dresses. I’m into “real” cis DNA gendered biological women. (I know this could upset some.) And my marriage is extremely important to me. Loneliness is the pits. So is divorce having been through one for non CD reasons.
Our marriage is solid. We both have hobbies that the other isn’t into. I’m fine with that. So is my wife. We also have mutual things that we like doing together. And we like spending time with each other.
Each person / couple has to work out what is important to self and the other.
Firstly Fiona- welcome back fro your hiatus. We missed you something awful-especially those of us on staff.
Re your post, I have always said -besides it varying depending on whether it’s “just dressing”(and in public or private) or whether some sort of transition(whether surgical/mental/social) needs to occur, there are basically four levels of acceptance-each progressively more challenging for folks to deal with-whether ourselves or our friends and families.1) being ok with the “concept” in general- Many of our own members are deeply conflicted with their feelings toward their ..I’ll say needs/desires(pick your own term) Some struggle to deny themselves whether due to environmental reasons or societal expectations. We must accept ourselves before we can expect anyone else to (as I wrote here https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/its-all-about-me/). Similarly, to begin with , we need folks who accept the IDEA of CD/TG and are OK with it in general-figuring “hey it doesn’t really affect me what others do”.
2) Next we need folks who are OK once it is a FRIEND or someone they KNOW that is CD/TG. Depending on the level/seriousness of the relationship-be it personal or professional- this requires an extra level of acceptance from folks. But even here, depending on whether you are going to dress part or full time in front of them, this can just be a “hey-whatever floats their boat” attitude-though some will NOT accept it-perhaps for a bit; perhaps never.
3) Third is when it is your parent or your kids who is CD/TG. Still more acceptance is required when it’s someone you have known for most of all of their/your life that is telling you something you likely may never have even expected. Obviously more difficult and may take longer to fully accept and integrate the new dynamic between you. And in this scenario, there will likely be some direct interaction between you once the ‘secret’ is out.
4) Fourth and most challenging is when it is your SPOUSE/SO/PARTNER. Again -depending on how long you’ve ben together , and whether you either told them about yourself before getting together or hid it(for whatever reason, and they are myriad), this requires the greatest acceptance as you MAY or likely ARE changing the relationship between the two of you. Attitudes and reactions may begin one way but change over time as it becomes a bigger part of the relationship. This can go both directions (acceptance to rejection or vice versa; or it may go back and forth. A lot depends on HOW LONG the relationship has existed, WHEN in the relationship the revelation/discovery occurs; whether it is VOLUNTARY REVELATION OR SURPRISE DISCOVERY; HOW FAR along the CD/TG spectrum one is or may become over time; and what OTHER MARITAL issues may or may not exist. Each relationship is the combination of all those factors and more; and is unique unto itself. Some (few) relationships will get even better. some(many) will fail spectacularly; others will be in between where you may get tolerance not acceptance; a don’t ask don’t tell policy; participation or refusal to be willing to see it.
So as Fiona said- you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, unring the bell, or ‘not know what you now know”; think carefully before you reveal….but also weigh the way you will be if you deny your true self; consider all sides and come to an informed decision. Let your heart and mind be your guide.
Just my humble opinion,
CnynWow Cyn, you made my post look like a Paragraph lol. I guess, really, i just skimmed the surface and there is certainly a lot more to it all than we think. You summed it all up perfectly.
PS Its great to be back!! xx
With love, Fiona xx
Fiona-Ann,
Your advice is an important element in having a comfortable life as a cross dresser or trans lady. Telling everyone about the “new” you without thinking it through first can really complicate one’s life pretty drastically.
In the eight months since I first went out in public en femme, 8 people I know (includes 2 therapists) have met Fiona. All have been very accepting and I knew that they would be. Other than adding my dentist (who I’m seeing in a few days) to that list that’s it for me. I have any number of other friends, family & acquaintances who will never hear about her because I have thought through the ramifications.
Fiona
Well written, Fiona. Who, when and how to come out is so different for each one of us. As you said if your need/desire is only to occasionally Cd you only need to come out to 1 or 2 people. If you are going to fully transition you will likely need to come out to almost everyone.
It turned out for me when my X found out she told our 3 grown kids, then threatened to tell my mother and 4 brothers. Sadly before I got to tell my mother she passed away, but I went and told my brothers myself. Now I am out to almost everyone important to me, even some at work and my Church. All this has helped me progressed at warp speed. Includes my new job at Torrid.But for the rest of you out there family and friends may not be as accepting as I have found mine. Don’t blow up your life for your need/desire to CD/trans.
Cassie
Many years ago I got the courage to come out to my mom. It didn’t go well. She’s a very religious and conservative woman and obviously she didn’t take it very well, she asked me to stop doing it. At the end, it was the best, cause she found my girl’s stuff a couple of times after that. The last time she just told me to be careful with it and we never talked about it again.
I have come out to several girl friends and just one guy. As you say, I totally felt they were going to have a good reaction to it, and they did!
I came out to my couple before we decided to live together. I think it was the best to be honest at that point and avoid future misunderstandings. She took it pretty well, she accepts it but yet she doesn’t fully understand the implications. Sometimes I see her awkward reactions when I express my feminine side in some situations.
I’m not sure if I would like to come out to my entire family, to be honest.
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