- October 17, 2022 at 6:06 pm #683997
I have no idea how many of you will be able to understand or sympathize with what I’m going to say. It’s become apparent to me over the years that I’ve been on CDH that my “dressing behavior,” and my motives for doing it, are a bit different from most of you. But I have nobody else to express these thoughts to and, if you may not be able to sympathize with my predicament, at least I’m counting on you to be non-judgmental, (though your comments are welcome.)
I have no doubt that many readers will think, “tell this to a psychiatrist, not to us.” But I insist that I’m quite sane. I may allow myself some divergence from “accepted norms.” But that likely applies to all of us on CDH. I’m fairly confident in saying that, like many others here, my fascination with what has historically been considered “female” clothing began with a panty fetish. But it didn’t take long for me, once the initial sensations of naughtiness and arousal had become passe, to begin wearing panties on a regular, even a daily, basis. Because, as well as being “arousing,” I found them to be comfortable. (I still have some pairs of my old men’s low-rise briefs but they’re big and baggy and made of some kind of material that may be fine for a doggie sweater but shouldn’t be worn by humans.) And from there, it was but a small step to begin wearing women’s jeans. Which I did regularly in the ’90s and resumed half a dozen years ago. Most recently, my daily wear has consisted of a cute pair of panties and a pair of jeans and women’s sneakers, (generally topped by a tee shirt or sweatshirt which, at least nominally, are men’s shirts — because women’s tops don’t fit very well — but are really rather unisex.) Okay. Why?
If you pay attention to such things, you may have noticed that some of the more egregious examples of “sexual deviance” occur among those who grew up in very restrictive circumstances — usually a parent who pronounced all sexuality as sinful. So sex, and those with whom you’d like to have it, are painted as “forbidden fruit.” And there really aren’t any guidelines for how one grabs forbidden fruit. So the repressed person’s efforts to satisfy their wants and curiosity are often misguided and inappropriate.
I grew up in that kind of atmosphere. Along with smoking, drinking and gambling, dancing was pronounced to be evil. So I never went to a high school dance, which is where the majority of boy-girl socializing took place. I never had a date or a girlfriend. So when I started college, I felt myself to be a middle-schooler in a society full of young people on the verge of adulthood. Not the kind of thing that promotes confidence. (And, as I learned many years too late, confidence is something that girls really like.) I took my cues as to how it should all go by listening to my friends, who were full of stories about who they’d met or gone out with and what sort of “activities” they’d enjoyed. It became obvious to me that pretty girls were the prizes. I never saw the girls that my friends talked about after their weekends so just assumed that they’d all been pretty.
But, not knowing how to even ask anyone on a date, I took a more feminine approach to the whole thing, not pursuing, but waiting to be pursued. And, to be very honest, there is no reason why anyone would pursue me; I’m not tall, handsome, athletic, magnetic, adventurous or self-confident. I struggled along like this for a number of years, had a few dates but no serious relationships because, frankly, basing my thoughts on dating around attractiveness, on the comments of adolescent boys, I was always attracted to women who were “out of my league.” It wasn’t until it was much too late that I came to realize that the clothes and makeup do not make the woman, they’re simply add-ons. The real person is inside.
I grew up as on “only” child, and in a rural area as well. So I’m perfectly comfortable with being alone. I know that there are others who grew up in similar circumstances who love, who crave, being with others. And I do enjoy being with friends and groups when the occasion arises. But I’m also perfectly content to be alone. So, as my friends married and started families, I wasn’t very alarmed at still being alone. I knew that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, be selected by any of the attractive girls/women that I idealized. But, whether they “saw anything” in me or not, remaining single and working on a college campus, I never got over my fascination with attractive young women. But, recognizing that I was now not only unattractive but also becoming too old for the young women I saw and, rather than desiring them or hoping to meet or date any of them, I began to envy them, to want to be them. I’d see a pretty young gal and wonder what it would be like, not to date her or sleep with her, but to be her. The reality of just what her life might really be like never intruded on these fantasies; being “hit on” everywhere she went by guys whose motives were patently transparent, not being taken seriously in academic or work circles, fearing the sound of footsteps behind her while walking at night, etc.
It’s not like a switch was flipped, that I suddenly reached a decision. But, increasingly, as I graduated from a panty fetish to wearing more and more female items more and more often. I began to think it a reasonable and entertaining solution that, just like all of the household chores and other aspects of my life, I should just become my own girlfriend. I had the clothes and I loved being with me. (I can imagine any amateur psychologists reading this saying “schizophrenic”, but I realize that the female aspect is just a fantasy, don’t really consider it to be an actual, separate person, don’t hear voices and I give little to no credence to conspiracies — I don’t know who killed Kennedy and it doesn’t matter in my life, can’t prove or disprove if we ever landed men on the moon and, again, it doesn’t matter in my life.)
Well, all of that may sound problematic enough. But old age has brought on a new challenge, one that I have to admit is something like a “first world problem” because I’m still very healthy for my age. I recognize that there are many, many people in this world dealing with far more significant issues than me. All of that said, I still find my recent problems to be upsetting. First, I developed a hernia and had surgery to repair it. I thought that having it repaired would remove the lump from my scrotum. But it hasn’t. So, now, four months later, I have a grape or cherry tomato on one side and something the size of a peach on the other. And the surgeon simply says, “Oh, that’s a seroma, it will dissipate in time.” But, unless it all dissipates at once on a certain date, I’ve seen and felt no reduction in the size of the peach on the left side since the surgery. And, while both my undies and my jeans are stretchy and can accommodate the lump, the girlfriend in me does not like having such a bulge in her crotch. (There may be men who would welcome such an “enhancement” but I was rather enjoying the fact that my male equipment started to shrink a few years ago. I didn’t have any hope of using it for anything [other than peeing] anyway so I thought it very nice that my undies and jeans just fit better.)
And now the young doctor that I saw last week has decided that my PSA result was too high and wants to refer me to a urologist, who, doubtless, will want to remove or hack away at my prostate which, if computer health sites (like Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins and the Cleveland Clinic — not Web MD or someone’s Aunt Marge) are to be believed, may well lead to some degree of urinary incontinence. Lovely. And the hernia surgeon and my primary care doctor both think that they’re doing me a great service in keeping me alive, damn the side effects of a distended scrotum or a little urinary leakage. But, (and I don’t know how to tell them this so I’m telling you,) their efforts at keeping me alive, albeit in an altered form, are killing me as my girlfriend. How can you be girly and sexy while wearing depends inside a pair of baggy old man jeans? (Yes, I know, to the outside world I never have been.)
But in all my years as both me and girlfriend me, girlfriend has never menstruated. So I suppose I could look at it as time catching up with me, get some pairs of “period panties” and simply dribble in my panties all day long during a period that lasts the rest of my life. I’ve never asked, but I suspect that most women don’t feel at their most attractive while on their period. But who does feel attractive when they get old anyway and why should I be any exception?
But, for the first time that I can remember, I feel depressed. Like clinically depressed. And I know that I will still be alive and, to all outward appearances, doing well (for an old man.) But I just feel like a part of me is dying. And I suppose, at least to the non-cross-dressing world, that’s just as well — stop playing the fool and act like an adult. But, for me, it will kill one of the things that I look forward to each morning. What shall I wear today? Have any of you ever thought that, one day, this will end? And how do you expect to deal with it? I mean, many worse things could happen. We aren’t, any of us, living in a bombed out basement in Kyiv or in a Russian prison. Nevertheless, I don’t like it. Not one bit.
Thanks for indulging me and reading this.
- October 17, 2022 at 6:59 pm #684003April SinclairDuchess
I read your unfortunate events hopefully your doctors can do something to fix things so they both look and work correctly it must be very difficult for you to be in this situation. If not maybe you could get a second opinion from a more renowned doctor in dealing with your dilemma. Hopefully you will exhaust all avenues and that you will be ok. IDK how old you are or if your open at all to other options as ultimately you need to healthy and happy in who you are. Wishing you the best I do understand the envy aspect you spoke of as I experienced some similarities when growing up. Let me know if you would like to chat.
- October 17, 2022 at 7:55 pm #684005
Thank you for your comments, April. The examination of my prostate has just begun — haven’t even spoken to a urologist yet. But it was concern over my PSA test that sent me to have the MRI a year ago that found the hernia. (The result said that my prostate was enlarged but likely not cancerous.) I’m not generally fearful or suspicious of “evidence based” medicine but it feels like they’ll keep suspecting prostate cancer until they finally get to perform surgery. But I may be over-reacting unnecessarily. It’s just — some people fear spiders, or zombies or who-knows-what. My biggest fear is incontinence. So the conscientious young doctor thinks he’s done well in suspecting prostate cancer but I’d rather die (I’m 76) of prostate cancer and enjoy my last years than be a good little Medicare account.
I’m an unreliable chatter — too self-involved right now — to accept your offer. But I thank you for the offer. I’m afraid I don’t know how to navigate this (or most other) site to fully engage with others on it.
- October 17, 2022 at 8:21 pm #684012Anonymous
I am not a Dr. so take what I say with a grain of salt. Testosterone is what fuels most prostrate cancer, so often the first thing Drs. try is to stop the production of T thru drugs or the removal of the boys. Since your body is designed to work with some sort of sex hormone (prevents hot flashes, osteoporosis) often estrogen is given. Just a thought.
- October 17, 2022 at 8:35 pm #684019
While some men would recoil at that thought, and even though I’ve never had any thoughts of transitioning, I would find losing one, the other, or both of “the boys” much preferable to incontinence. Thanks for your reply.
- October 18, 2022 at 1:07 am #684067Bianca EverdeneLady
Hi Paula Rae
Sorry to hear this is getting you down.
Unfortunately as we get older we face an increasing likelihood of health problems.
It’s perfectly natural to jump to pessimistic conclusions about where this may lead, but try to stay positive, things may not progress as you fear they will.
If you do need surgery it may not necessarily lead to the issues you fear. There are also medicines which may treat or control prostate issues.
Women have always had to control monthly challenges to control periods. They manage this every month and 99.99% of men have no idea. And many women after childbirth and with advancing age have bladder leak problems as well. Have you had a look at products available, there are some out there aimed at women who have similar issues but still want to look and feel good.
In a way I think issues like this bring us closer to empathising what it is like to feel like a woman. Most men have no idea the mental strength and fortitude women have by facing these issues from puberty.
Hey you can still wear silk, satin, lace, spandex, maybe just not as skimpy, womenswear is so…varied, so much fun.
Try to keep yer chin up my friend.
- October 18, 2022 at 2:32 am #684071Angela BoothHostess
How many of us are of advancing years and have had this issue of the prostate? I had this and was worried I had problems with the prostate. I was still unsure of the doctors diagnosis of an enlarged prostate but I had blood tests, examinations and a scan. I, like many others, have to get up in the night as when I empty the bladder there is a bit less and means I want to go again after. This was found after the scan results which had to be done with a full bladder then emptied. I take a pill for this but still have to wee a bit more and have a ‘dribble’. A friend had his removed and was not told that one of the sphincters would go leading to a bit of incontinence. Exercises similar to women to strengthen the muscles improved that. It is natural to worry and worry causes anxiety and that causes the need to pee more.
I don’t know much on seromas but they seem to form after surgery and can take a year to dissipate. If they don’t they can be drained and I would feel that the doctors will monitor.
I always felt I was quite healthy and can still run around but as I got to retirement a lot of tests were available for me. I had an aorta scan to check I didn’t have a swollen one that looked good. Every two years I have tests for bowel cancer, all good so far. I had the prostate tested. I had a lung scan and I have a bit of damage from 40 years of smoking but gave up a few years back. From that scan it showed an abnormality in my liver and I had an MRI scan and after a month of worry all blood tests were okay and the anomaly was something that is benign and not uncommon. This is something quite normal as we age and it is of course a worry as we want to enjoy our retirement and see out our years doing the things we want to. Being alone is something we share and that may cause us to worry more as we haven’t a SO to sound off to. Family or friends can only really have so much information so a lot spins in your head.
The main issue is your desire to dress. Is it not possible for you to take the androgynous look further and wear womens clothes? If this is your wish then work on paving the way to do this and let your doctors know of your plans as this may help them understand you more and look at your conditions in a different way. For starters you could wear womens panties that will be comfortable with condition and add a pad.
You are ten years ahead of me in age but I made a decision to come out on retirement and had paved the way over the preceding years for it to be possible.
Health is one of those things that deteriorates with age and medical science does allow us to live longer so what we do with that time is down to us and also with age we can get away with things that our younger selves couldn’t. It seems that there is a lot going on and my suggestion is to compartmentalize it and clear your mind as to how you will deal with it and talk to your doctor . As for the dressing if this is something you want to do then go for it and I am sure there are those here that will advise on the way to go, services and groups to support you.
I have had my scares and have worried and hands up here who haven’t had to deal with medical issues? You are reacting quite normally and the added panic is age and that is my fear too but I made my decision to dress and also to accept what I have and trust in my doctors. Decide what you want and go for it. We are all old coots, (from your profile), and maybe dressing as a young girl is a dream for us and even real women dressing age appropriate is the reality.
You have a lot going on and it could be in lieu of no one to talk it through a Councillor may be the answer, that’s for you to decide. Clearly a lot has happened in a short space of time and of course there is an understanding of your situation and I hope that you will find a way through it and live the dream.
I do wish you well and never be afraid to express yourself here as this is what the forum is for.
- October 18, 2022 at 8:00 am #684122Brenda MaidenformLady
Hi, You don’t want to hear this but you need to talk to someone about your depression! Talk to your primary doctor and tell them how you feel. Talking to a pro about your depression doesn’t hurt. But depression can lead to suicide. Please talk to someone about it. You don’t have to live with depression.
As for your hernia surgery, how long ago did you have your surgery? There might be some swelling after surgery but that should disappear in a week or so. If it is the size of a peach something is not right. Call your surgeon and tell them they need to see you and check it out. If they won’t go to the ER and let them see it. Tell them that you will go to the ER if they won’t look at it. I am in a similar situation as you. I will talk to you privately about it if you want!
You have to tackle each problem one at a time.
BTW My dressing started with panties and was purely sexual! Right after orgasm I would peel them off and feel guilty about what I just done. The same with each piece of women’s clothes I added. But then wearing panties became a normal and less sexual as time wore on. I love women’s clothes when I look at women I check out what they are wearing before I look at them. I wonder if I could look that good in their outfit. I have come to realize that I like women’s clothes more than mens. They are far more comfortable and the options are endless compared to mens clothes. I now wear them daily!
Remember this is a free country and people should be able to wear what they want to express themselves. Society is coming around to that now and it will get better.
Feel free to reply to me I will have an ear to hear you. But please please talk to your doctors about your depression!
- October 18, 2022 at 8:35 am #684130J JLady
You want to be your girlfriend, well, older girlfriends have bladder leakage issues as well.
Prostate issues don’t have to end up the disaster you anticipate. Most are benign and treated with meds that you may enjoy the side effects/benefits. Ignoring medical issues are rarely the right thing to do. Your have health and gender issues that need to be addressed, so find competent people to help you with both.
- October 18, 2022 at 9:38 am #684151Natalie JonesLady
Two years ago I had an elevated PSA.
not real high but with a history of prostate cancer in the family my doctor recommended I see a Urologist. A biopsy showed cancer but DNA testing showed it is a very slow form of cancer. I’m now on what’s called “active surveillance “ I get a PSA test every six months. My number jumps all over the place sometimes up sometimes down. For those with higher numbers and a more rapid growing cancer removing the prostate gland is the recommended procedure. Today it is mostly done robotically with far less complications. I have three friends who had it removed in the last several years. Only one had any kind of complications afterwards and that was helped by therapy and drugs. None had any ED problems. You need to see a urologist right away .
My Crossdressing as I’ve known it for over 50 years is slowly coming to an end. I’ll be retiring soon and will lose the place I dress up at. My wife is fine with panties but nothing more. I’m tired of sneaking around and hiding my stash so I’ve downsized my clothing and lingerie collection by 90% at least. It’s sad but not the end of the world.
I stay interested in CDing by coming to CDH and some other sites.
I’ve always tried to be in control of my crossdressing and not let it get out of hand. So my dressing less has not been a major issue for me mentally.
I wish you the best. Please talk to professionals and find what works best for you
- October 18, 2022 at 11:26 am #684171Brenda MaidenformLady
Hi I think you need to talk with your wife and explain your dressing, what it does for you and how you feel about it. Crossdressing is an old outdated word! I hate it with a passion. They say clothes make the man. That is so far from the truth. Wearing another genders clothes is no longer a fetish. You are going to retire and that can open a whole new adventure in your lives! You could move away and start a new adventure with your wife. It is ok for a man to feel sexy and dress in a way that makes them feel good about themselves. There are online shops that make bras and panties for men! Most women’s clothing stores cater to men and even help them look good in what they are wearing. If your wife truly loves you then she should accept you for who you are. You’re not cheating on her! You want to be comfortable in the clothes you like. Society is changing and so can your wife if she is informed about the whole situation! Bottling up your needs is only going to cause conflicts with you! For a lot of people need to dress to feel right. Talk with her and go from there.
- October 18, 2022 at 4:47 pm #684226
I think you meant this particular comment for someone else as I have never had a wife. Please try again and thanks again for your comment to my screed.
- October 18, 2022 at 11:14 am #684167
Oh my God, I didn’t expect so many kind responses. I can’t reply to each of you individually without repeating myself 6 times over but thank you so much to Natalie, J.J., Brenda, Angela, Bianca, and Dawn for your replies. I think Angela understands one aspect of this for me, being alone and left to deal with your thoughts, which is why I posted my sob story. And many more of you have come through for me than I ever expected. Taking what several of you have said and with another 24 hours behind me, I almost feel silly for bawling about something so inconsequential. My friend who recently learned he has diabetes came to mind. That means life changes for him as well — but he didn’t moan about it when he told me, just accepted that his diet will be changing. I’ve been extraordinarily healthy until just the last year so I’m not used to all the fuss and making appointments and being scanned and probed and told what to do and where to go and that what feels very abnormal is really normal. But, as several of you reminded me, lots of others have dealt with all of this. I can too. Well, I mentioned that I’ve always been an “only” and we have a reputation for being “spoiled.” I didn’t think I was but . . . I may have been wrong. We, (girlfriend and I) thank all of you.
Dawn, thank you for reading and replying. I’ve long thought that, if I woke up one morning and discovered I had become a female, I’d be fine with it. (At least I’d have many things to wear.) Or, if changing over were easily reversible, I might like to enjoy the occasional day as a woman. But I don’t see being female as the route to a trouble free life either, so, especially at my age (76), I think I’ll just stay in the body I have.
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