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  • #405705
    Casey Amber Twitchings
    Participant
    Registered On: May 15, 2020
    Topics: 36
    Replies: 340
    Has thanked: 310 times
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    My lady and I (she’s not my girlfriend yet, we’re waiting to meet before we officially take that step) have been talking online since late February. Very early on (3 or 4 weeks) into our relationship I told her I crossdress. I told her there was a little more to it but that I wanted to wait until we could meet in person to explain that. I did tell her that I wanted to be her boyfriend and that I didn’t want to be her girlfriend ever, not even for 5 minutes once a year. And I’m serious about that. She’s very OK with me crossdressing.

    The thing is I’m transgendered, and androgyne. But I’m not a woman. Technically my gender is other but I largely just consider myself a man. Yesterday she told me she’s really starting to fall for me, which for her means a whole lot more than it sounds like. It’s time to tell her.

    If it was your man how would you like him to tell you this? What should I say? We can’t fit all that much into a message so I have to prioritize what I say. What should I put into that first message? I want to be honest with her. I don’t want to downplay something important and blindside her with it later. And is this the time to tell her? I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thanks.

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    • #405978
      Casey Amber Twitchings
      Lady
      Registered On: May 15, 2020
      Topics: 36
      Replies: 340
      Has thanked: 310 times
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      I understand what you mean Cath. You’re right, this is a lot for her to take in. Sometimes we forget that others probably don’t know these things. We’ve been living with them for so many years that it becomes second nature to us. Looking back I still remember asking 20 or so years ago what I was. I could describe myself alright but even that didn’t really answer my question. And I’ve known that I’m different since i was 11.

      Unfortunately we’re on a forced break but that will give me time to think about how best to present all this new information to her. I really appreciate your advice here. Fingers crossed that she can accept this and continue our relationship. Thanks again.

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    • #405910
      Cath N.
      Baroness
      Registered On: June 18, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 60
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      That was interesting to read, thanks for that. I am always interested in learning about new things, gender identity is always something extra complicated that someone with a binary understanding would extra struggle with getting their head around.

      So I would probably change my advice in this case. You need a much more solid environment in order to explain what all this means, to provide her with your blog address and leave her to do her own independent research in order to come to at least a preliminary conclusion of whether she would like to progress further in your relationship. A phone call is not sufficient enough, I don’t think.

      I am sorry I can’t be of more help but I guess it’s an issue with so many unknown parameters for someone new, as she might be. But you must go through the detailed explaination of who you are, in layman’s terms. The sooner you can do that, the better. Oh, and please, never assume she will know X if you tell her Y. She will only know X if you tell her X, in words.

    • #405794
      Casey Amber Twitchings
      Lady
      Registered On: May 15, 2020
      Topics: 36
      Replies: 340
      Has thanked: 310 times
      Been thanked: 1259 times

      Thanks for the reply Cath. I can see your confusion. You said “But if you are transgendered and identify yourself with the gender you were not born as, in what society acknowledges as male/female, then you haven’t been truthful.” The thing is I identify as a gender other than male or female. I’m an androgyne, which I see as being a subset of genderqueer. But it’s kind of its own thing too. Instead of being hydrogen or oxygen, or sometimes one and sometimes both, I’m always a water molecule. I know, it’s confusing. I have a blog that might help explain more about what I deal with on a day to day basis. The web address is in my profile.

      Calling her is probably a good idea but for reasons I can’t really get into here she isn’t willing to talk on the phone right now. Believe me, her reasons make perfect sense. But when she’s ready for that I’ll definitely call her. That will give her a chance to ask any questions she might have freely. Thanks again for the advice.

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    • #405718
      Cath N.
      Baroness
      Registered On: June 18, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 60
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      Hi Casey, I have to admit that after reading your post, and as a third person who knows what crossdressing means, I was confused by it. Are you a crossdresser or transgendered? Two completely different things. If you are a crossdresser who, as you said yourself, wouldn’t want to dress as a female around her, then you have done your dues and warned her about what you like doing in private. But if you are transgendered and identify yourself with the gender you were not born as, in what society acknowledges as male/female, then you haven’t been truthful. Because there is no way you will be able to do what you claim you will do, ie not interested in being a gf around her, not even for 5 mins a year. I see this as minimising and dishonest. How I would have liked a potential mate to approach this is by being honest about who I was talking to and investing time on. Otherwise, I would have considered that catfishing. I suggest you are clear in your head about WHO you are and approaching this on a phone call/video call with her at an appropriate time.

      Hope that helps.

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