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I am a male, a man from birth.
OK, so I am a man. But unlike most other men (I can only suppose) who don’t consider their maleness, maybe ever, I am ever uncomfortable with mine, because I am trans – gender simply (if there is such a thing) or sexual – I am not sure.
Being a male is not killing me, it just what I am tasked with being. “Yawn” So I be. Nothing flashy. Nothing celebrity about me. Husband, dad, grandpa, friend, co-worker, etc. I do the roles but without must zest, gusto, excitement. If as a woman I saw me, I wouldn’t be attracted to me. God only knows why my wife was or is.
So I look at being a woman and ALL that is involved in being attractive and ask myself is that really what I want?
Really?
Yes, I want the attractiveness but the work, effort, labor (of love) in being an attractive woman from the inside to the outside; am I really up for that?
No? To be sure being an attractive woman just doesn’t happen; it takes work. So then, why dream for womanhood as a reality if I am not willing (at least as I see it through my maleness) to put forth the effort.
OR – is that exactly my challenge, my blindness? I am seeing that work through my non-descript “yawn” maleness which is deluding me into believing that being attractive is work without any emotional payback.
So my question. What has been your experience? Do you “yawn” at being male and yet find that “yawn” vanishes like our breath on a cold morning vanishes into the air, once you cross the gender divide and become, if only for a time, the woman you know yourself to be.
Should I finally find whatever it is (desperation?) to come out of the closet and live even temporarily, occasionally as Charrie will I find that all that “work” becomes privilege even if it is work?
Just wondering? What have some of you noticed? Thank you for any insight you might share.
Hello and welcome to C.D.H. This site is a great place to meet others and get questions answered. For your question it’s hard to say just go out in bupkis and be all you can be. Me I have been in the closet for many years. Read my profile it says allot about me and how I started. I am now married, wife knows and I think daughter might now, daughter found a pic I left out and showed mom , daughter told mom it’s his body not hers, wife lets me dress up but only when 2 adult children are not home, wife has seen me getting dressed up a few times but will not let me sit in same room and talk about how I feel dressed up, sharing it with her would be a weight off my back if I could. Wife is excepting my dressing up to where I can do it when kids are out and she don’t see me. I can do it in my computer room in basement or my bed room. We have separate rooms, I have my own dresses and all that, Nice to meet you hope I answered some of your questions
Charlene, I’ve thought about that, too.
I attend a support group in my city, so I get to see how different gurls approach getting all the “moving parts” of clothing, shoes, makeup, jewelry, accessories, and hair into one nice package.
What I noticed in retrospect, with the help of your question, is that some go to a lot of effort, and others appear to be a bit cavalier. I think we have the choice of what extent I carry out my womanhood in appearances.
I’ve yet to start using makeup, which might seem strange, but I am really intimidated by it. And since I’m genderfluid, there are only certain times that I feel inspired to experiment with it. Once I purchase some makeup and get the opportunity, I’m guessing I’ll be in the mood sometimes, and sometimes not.
In a group setting, a guy shared with us his childhood experience; his older sisters would make him sit while they did his face in makeup. He whined and resisted (I’m guessing he wasn’t like us, from his attitude). He asked them, “Why do you do this, why do you put this makeup on yourselves?” and they answered, “Because it’s fun!”
What I’ve noticed for myself is that when I’m in femme mood/mode, all the dressing is effortless. There’s the Lorie part of me that takes over and time seems to stand still. I have a feeling that this will be true when I start with makeup and wig and shoes and jewelry.
And there are times that I Yawn at being Lorie. There are times where being male is perfect, and I wonder what happened to that electric feeling of Lorie. Will it come back?
I learned from a mentor that I don’t have to know where I am on the spectrum. My goal is to Explore what I feel, and to peel away the shame.
The important thing for me right now is to enjoy the journey, and to ditch the timeline. Where will I end up? I don’t know, but I know I’m having a helluva ride right where I am.
I’m guessing no one here is doing this for a girl scout patch. It’s all for fun. It’s what feeds our feminine soul. It makes us whole.
I find making myself into a beautiful woman not only to be a lot of work, but a lot more work than if I had been born female to begin with because, not only am I doing the work that it takes to be attractive, but I’m also UNDOING the physical effects of maleness = the body shape, the hair in the wrong places, etc.
As for the blah part of being male, I definitely am with you on that. The clothes are for the most part boring and there is less to choose from. I can make my appearance better within certain tight bounds but my heart really isn’t in it. I merely tolerate being with a male body and definitely don’t enthusiastically pursue (if at all) those things that males are supposed to like (sports, ogling women, etc.) I feel like I’m accepted but I don’t inside feel like I’m a part of that sex. And because of my biology, I don’t think I am really as a whole part of tribe of women.
I feel like I straddle both worlds, uncomfortable in my male skin and longing to be more a part of the world of women. I accommodate it however I can: by what I choose to wear under my clothes and to bed, and by finding a way to bridge the two worlds in a way that can be understood by a lot of people – by pursuing fashion design.
That was very well written Charlene. True it’s a lot of work all that tucking, taping, putting on body mods and getting your makeup just right but is it worth it? Could it all be for nothing? “Yawn”. Mayhap you don’t really yearn for it but just seek the pleasures of flamboyancy – mix and match instead and be whole instead of halves. We are all on the same path but you have to pick your own stop.
Hugs – Terrisa
Hi Charlene! I think that dressing up and the degree of excitement or pleasure it brings would depend on the male who is doing it. Different levels for different guys. Sure it is time and effort consuming to do all the lady things: in the beginning but practice develops skill, and skill develops speed and ease at doing it. Like everything else I guess the attraction wanes with time and how often you do dress up. As a male…we shave and shower every morning, don our uniform of the day and don’t really think about it and the time from start to finish really doesn’t register. Dressing en femme at first is different and the time and effort factor is readily noticeable but decreases with time and practice and the different routine is pleasurable for a longer time.
It is really up to the individual to what extent he/she cross dresses…Just wearing lingerie or going full bore dressing from lingerie to make-up, hair and dresses/shoes and accessories. Go out and tripping the light fantastic is up to the individual as well…….transgendering is the whole 9 yards as they say.
Charlene, whatever route you take, I support your efforts and your decisions. Good luck with your choices…I am here to encourage your efforts all the way.
Lady Veronica
I’m not sure how to respond to this. I do know that my journey isn’t about wanting to be woman, but rather just being me. Yes, I enjoy, and often prefer to wear clothes that are generally described as those of a woman. However, I am not trying to be anyone other than me. I am proud to say that I see myself as comfortable wearing whatever I wear, being it a trousers, shirt, and tie or a dress and heels.
This probably contributes to my approach to wigs which is “I hate them and never choose to wear one.” and my approach to makeup which is “I would rather not use, and only use a minimum when I do.” Makeup, however, is growing on me, but I doubt my opinion about wigs will her change. They always give me the feeling that I am hiding who I am which goes against who I am.
In conclusion, I don’t believe that I really experience what you are describing. You feel different and that is fine. Our journeys though similar are ultimately unique
Mackenzie Alexandra
I know I sent a message about this yawn, what does yawn mean? If it’s about x dressing going away it all depends on that person. For me it did go away for some years and later came back and never left me. I am a x dresser , I love dressing up in what society calls female cloths and also put on make up, perfume, ear rings wig. I dress up for the person I should be and that’s female.
I can understand how you feel “yawn” sometimes, but I dont believe with me at least, that it has anything with being male, or female or anything else. Unfortunately life tends to get mundane and boring for us all. Xdressing breaks that usual routine. The excitemite of going out en femme is exhilarating, at least it was the one time I did it. Or when im in mens clothing but wearing panties, Its like I have a dirty little secret that only I know. I dare not but secretly want to get caught with them on. Maybe my pant leg slides up enough for someone to see my stockings or my whale tail is noticable when I bend over. The thrill of possibly being discovered breaks the yawn of everday life that we are often forced to face in our “natural” forms.
I enjoy dressing, but dont wish to be a woman. I love being a man for the most part. The ruggedness, machoness that comes with it. I can only speak for my upbringing, but I was raised that men the the weight bearers, the foundation, the rocks of society. Under no circumstances can we break or crumble, fall or stumble. Emotion is a sign of weakness and never let it cloud your judgement. The problem with this is, that even the strongest of men, physically or mentaly can only bare so much weight before our knees start to bend and buckle. Even this doesnt give you a pass. The escape clause for me is that by feminizing my self, I am no longer held to those standards that are expected of men. When I get tired to the point where I cant carry anymore, I can dress, and can elevate myself of that load for a while.Wow! I posted this almost two years ago. I thought I was clear when I wrote it, but after reading the replies again I see I was not as clear as I had originally thought.
So almost two years later I am going to reply with some observations.
1) Time presses on and yet so my life is much the same as two years ago.
2) when I attempted to explain what was boring for me, based on the replies many thought I was referring to crossdressing being boring. To clarify now – I find being male “boring” and that has nothing to do with clothes. I am male by anatomy. OK – I play the part, do it well, will probably continue to do so, but do so without much heart for it. I play the male role because that what is expected of me; “it pays the bills” sort of speaking, but it is not really what I have a heart for. Thus I fill a role but without much gusto.
Why? At heart I am a woman.
I have a wonderful bucket list, but the challenging thing is that I need to be (or at least be accepted as) a woman to fulfill those things.
3) Time presses on and yet so my life is much the same.
Oh wait, that was point #1.
Yes, it is. Boring? Yss.
I could write so much more. I tend to be verbose as I explore my own gender peace.
Please note that this is not to say, I am not blessed. I am in many ways. However being a male by biology and staying that way over the long haul by choice for the sake of others does at times makes life . . . hmmm?
Boring?
I think I know what you mean. I too play the male role dad, husband, grandad and have hated every minute of it for years. I got stuck in a job I hated [screwed up in high school, partied too much] for 32 years and thought I have to live life to the factory settings instead of being what O knew I was, a woman.
The happiest times of my life is between 14-19 [this was party time] when other than school I was pretty much Heather with a great young body and hair on my head not growing out my nose and ears. I met my wife and told myself this was just a phase and it was time to grow up. Twenty years later after driving myself nuts I finally accepted this wasn’t a phase it was me, Heather.
I try not to live a life of regret, I have had a good life and I’m surrounded by people that love me but when it comes down to it the only thing manly about me is this shell I live in and it’s too late to do anything about it. So when I have time to myself I put on the real me and show the world, it’s about the only way I have found to make the yawn go away.
Take care, Heather.
Here is what i am understanding from your post. Forgive me if i don’t get it quite right. You enjoy being an attractive woman when you can. It involves a lot of work. If you transitioned you are wondering if you would get tired of going to all that trouble all the time. You also said that you would consider the work a privilege.
so here are my humble thoughts. Yes it is a lot of work. Ask any GG. would you get tired of it? I would have to think yes. Because anything we do, no matter how exciting in the beginning, becomes routine. Doing scales is interesting for a novice musician but a chore for an advanced one. Taking out the trash was exciting for my four year old child (we LET her take it out—-a privilege) but after a short time it became work and she hated it all the way into adulthood.
i offer as evidence women who “let themselves go” after marriage and childbirth. They still doll up for special occasions, or for that special someone. She might opt for a simpler hairstyle, wear jeans tshirt and sneakers and no makeup the rest of the time. making life less complicated, in other words.
Or take someone in a new home. In the beginning the floors are kept mopped, things put away, etc. After the new wears off the clutter begins and spring cleaning is required periodically.
Not to advocate giving up. I am a musician and although scales and practice are boring they are necessary if you are going to perform in front of others. I live in a home i moved into fairly recently and we’ve had to do some spring cleaning here and there.
it’s just human nature. Fun things become routine/chores when the novelty wears off. Totally to be expected. Staying in a profession or organization or lifestyle is about the overall reason for doing it in the first place. If i perform a 3 minute song after 10 hours of practice, that 3 minutes is what it is all about.
Sure, the prep work can be boring. But that doesn’t mean i am quitting music.
hope that helps.
Dear Patti, Hi. Thank you for your thoughts. You wrote,
“Here is what i am understanding from your post. Forgive me if i don’t get it quite right. You enjoy being an attractive woman when you can. It involves a lot of work. If you transitioned you are wondering if you would get tired of going to all that trouble all the time. You also said that you would consider the work a privilege.”
Yes, Patti, you do understand perfectly. I did not address this part of the original post in my most recent comments to avoid being too long. But yes you understand my query. Your reply was superb, thoughtful and thereby helpful to me. Thank you.
Heather, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. You also understand what I was saying perfectly. Being bored (“yawn”) with my male personhood is the part I addressed in my most recent re-posting. The “boredom” as best I understand myself, stems from living a role that my heart is not given to. God knows I have tried over the last 60 years. I have done so for others I love so much. It is what they expect and need me to do. I truly desire they have the best me present for them. For their sake I have given them my best performance. I just wish I could give them my best me. And after 60 years the performance (yeah and much before that 60 years) I find boring.
Peace to all,
Charrie
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