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  • #579153
    Carmen Cruz
    Participant
    Registered On: September 12, 2021
    Topics: 12
    Replies: 79
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    Hi all you beautiful girls!

    I’m not really sure what I’m feeling, but I do know I’m at some sort of juncture.  When I started, all crossdressing was for me was essentially my own personal challenge, being good at more things, being the best I can manage at whatever activity I put my energy into.  It wasn’t an emotional decision, it wasn’t a gender decision, it was a “hmmmm, I wonder if I could pass, and if so, I wonder if I can actually be seen as a beautiful woman.”  More important, was finding that out in the public eye.

    I had no idea how fun it would be.  I believe I’ve already met my initial goal, so why am I still here crossdressing?  Obviously, I gain something more out of it, or there are other things I’m supposed to experience with this journey and it’s not over yet.  I have no idea what that means, or how long I’m supposed to search for answers.

    Because this whole thing started out non-sexual, and I didn’t start out questioning my gender, I’ve been able to leave out all the emotional impacts or ramifications of crossdressing.  It’s easy to justify because to me, it’s just another activity that my guy self set out to do and be successful at.  Like pretty much everything else in my life (other than my marriage).

    I’ve only dated long term, and only women.  I find women just so beautiful.  Maybe that’s why I enjoy crossdressing.  HOWEVER, now that I’ve been at this a year, I’m starting to feel some emotional “questioning” that I’ve never ever considered.  While I’m out as Carmen, there is no end of attention from men.  At the same time, while I’m out as Carmen, I’m focused on my own femininity, so men, let alone dating any man, doesn’t even come across my mind… it’s a situation I easily ignore.

    But when I get home and rethink all the fun of the day, I’ve been coming home more often wondering what would happen if I acted on one of these advances?

    I don’t know what kind of advice I’m seeking here, or even if there is any to give.  Maybe just talking it out will be a start to figuring it out.  I can’t post this on Reddit or I’ll get hundreds more messages from men… I’m already inundated with inquiries, so can’t exactly let it be known I’m starting to consider maybe being bi?  Maybe being Carmen is introducing that concept????  I DON’T KNOW!  Grrrr, I dislike when I don’t feel “structured” and in my element.  So many open questions I have for myself now.

    Does crossdressing lead to these feelings emerging??????  Do I tell people I’m actually a dude when they hit on me?  Interestingly, I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who is looking for a trans mtf or a crossdresser.  I know, it’s weird, but I could see myself having fun with a man who thinks I’m a woman through and through… so there’s another dilemma.  Sheeeesh Carmen is putting me through some stuff I didn’t ever have to think about before.

Viewing 17 reply threads
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    • #580244
      Stephanie Green
      Lady
      Registered On: October 30, 2021
      Topics: 2
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      I hear you, Carmen.

    • #580215
      Lara Tucker
      Lady
      Registered On: September 29, 2021
      Topics: 1
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      Hi Carmen,

      You are just absolutely gorgeous, and obviously have the confidence to pull off being a woman even when you are up close to someone. I wish I had half the look and talent you have at so many things!
      Please be careful, there are still monsters out there that would not be happy to find out you were really a guy after even just trying to get your number.
      Stay safe, Lara

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #580219
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        Thank you Lara.  I’ve been very fortunate in that regard.  We can only be so careful, just gotta play it smart.  Interestingly, I feel much safer walking in to a testosterone fueled bar as Carmen vs. in guy mode.  I think the safety factor isn’t so much gender based as it is just being diligent and street smart.  I wouldn’t put Carmen in any situation I wouldn’t put myself in guy mode quite frankly, and vice versa.

        I used to teach women’s self-defense, and while it the class was of course physical self-defense focused, I also addressed how important mental self-defense is as well.  Confidence can be used as a huge security mechanism out there in the world.  Learning how to show confidence, walk with confidence, be confident, regardless of gender or what you’re wearing, goes a very long way in how potential attackers view you as a human being.

        A huge study was done with people behind bars who were there for rape.  In almost all cases, when asked how they picked their targets (when random vs. friends/relatives), it was the one’s who were always looking down, didn’t walk with confidence, appeared to be weak, didn’t look at people straight in the eyes.

        I always tell my female friends… if someone is giving you the creeps and you feel a sense they’re going to do something, you can’t shy away.  Square up, look them straight in the face, turn your body towards them, say hello.  You need to let them know you’re human.  Most creeps are extremely weak individuals… be the stronger person, and they’ll be the one’s who will shy away.

        And of course, if all that fails and you’re attacked, well, that was the second part of class… how to tear pretty much anybody apart no matter their size.

        Everyone needs to remember, the ONLY rule of engagement when you are threatened is, there are no rules.  When your life is threatened, you absolutely MUST make every strike as if your life depends on it, because IT DOES!  No fancy arm twists, no karate chops, no “moves”… you put your keys between your knuckles, you aim straight for the persons neck or eyes, and you strike as hard and fast as you can muster.  See, the best thing that can happen in that situation is the person “grabs” you… pretty much tying up their hands from defending themselves!

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        • #580220
          Lara Tucker
          Lady
          Registered On: September 29, 2021
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          Thanks for the reply Carmen! I feel a lot better about your safety! I forgot you had self defense expertise as well as the rest of everything!😊

          hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

    • #580126
      Katie Time
      Lady
      Registered On: April 3, 2021
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      You are beautiful, but be careful out there hun. A man may become very mad at having come on to a what he thought was a woman. Hugs Katie

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      • #580168
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        Hi Katie, thank you.  And yes, I’m sure that could happen.  I’ve been very fortunate it hasn’t yet, but fully aware of that possibility of “danger”.  As long as 1) I don’t lift up my skirt and show them the front, I’m safe.  OR 2) I don’t let them rub every inch of my body, I think I’ll be okay.  If it ever came to those 2 things taking place, well, I’ve probably already told them I’m a guy.

        Prior to those 2 scenarios though, I’ll let them come on to me and let them believe every second they’re getting shot down by a woman.  That’s as far as I let anybody get… just far enough to get turned down.  LOL.

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    • #580053
      Jill Quinn
      Lady
      Registered On: July 24, 2021
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      Dear Carmen,

      You can certainly pass as a woman. In your photos I see a woman, not a man at all. Regardless of what you plan on doing, you’ve got that part down to a tee! Just gorgeous! I’m envious.

      Hugs, Jill

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      • #580172
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        Awww, thank you Jill.  That’s was very sweet.  Passing has so much more to do than how we look though.. it truly is a combination of how we present, what we present, how we move, how we act, how we speak, even how we flirt.  ALL those things combined, in addition to our physical look, has to also exist to pass (in public).

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    • #580042
      Felicia Mars
      Lady
      Registered On: May 2, 2020
      Topics: 1
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      Hi Carmen,

      Does crossdressing lead to these feelings emerging?

      I think you bring up a really good question that doesn’t get enough attention as it feels more than a bit taboo. I’ll just say that I think when you put all the hard work into makeup, clothes, hair etc. etc. and make a real transformation it has a profound effect on your psyche. You have obviously put in the effort and it’s amazing when you all of a sudden have a completely different sexual component to offer.
      I went for 40 + years of crossdressing and the thought of being with a man or being bi never crossed my mind. But then I had a similar experience in asking the question “could I pass?” And it all began to click. When I started to put in all the work to make a full transformation and then put myself out there, I began to slowly have different feelings and to ask questions of myself that I had never before. It really hit me hard at first. I was not prepared for the impact of seeing myself as a woman at all. At the same time I began to realize that it seems more than a bit inevitable or the logical end game in the process.
      So yeah, at the crossroads. I think acceptance is the key. Once you accept this potent and incredibly fun side of yourself, the weight begins to lift and the choices before you seem less daunting. I’m definitely not the type to give advice so I’ll just say, enjoy the process. You have the power to take it in any direction you want to and only you’ll know what feels like the right step forward.
      Hugs,
      xoxo
      FM
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      • #580067
        Araminta Purdy
        Duchess
        Registered On: January 23, 2020
        Topics: 8
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        Hi, Felicia.

        “I was not prepared for the impact of seeing myself as a woman at all. At the same time I began to realize that it seems more than a bit inevitable or the logical end game in the process.”

        My theory is that your are aroused by your own femininity. This is consistent with being a male attracted to femininity (i.e., supposedly ‘heterosexual’). This can progress to a desire to be seen as sexually attractive by other males and so on.

        Being primarily attracted to femininity your own femininity can be a revelation but what is most surprising is not only seeing yourself as attractive but as potentially the feminine partner in an intimate encounter with a masculine (and generally male) partner. That seems to give most cross-dressers the willies (as Slartibartfast might say).

        This is why I try to emphasize the separate aspects but connectivity of gender identity and sexual identity. As is often repeated, cross-dressers, when presenting a masculine persona, are only sexually attracted to women but, when feminine, consider the possibility of a romantic connection with another male. That is, your present gender identity influences your present sexual identity. If you are gender variant then your sexual identity is potentially variant as well.

        The thing is that some people are fully gender variant but most people are pretty much gender invariant and those who are gender invariant cannot comprehend those who are gender variant. It does not make sense to them so the attitudes they express tend to be irrational.

        Trying to define sexual orientation with terms based on attraction to another person’s sex rather than their gender is fairly illogical. If one is attracted to females that does not mean one is attracted to all females. It also means that one can easily be attracted to feminine males without being ‘homosexual’. The rather perplexing attraction to and the long-term perpetuation of shows dedicated to drag queens shows is an example.

        It is gender that provides the basis for attraction, even rather extravagant femininity. (Hence, for example, male fascination with mammary glands.) Granted that femininity is a social convention usually indicating that one is female but we need to stop being fixated on the concept that this is objectivity.

        I feel that one thing that needs recognition and normalization is the concept of male femininity, either full-time or part-time.

        Anyway, I just wanted to say that I found your feelings exceptionally mornal (moral and normal) and consistent with other accounts. “One is not born a woman but becomes one.”

        Araminta.

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    • #579933
      Barb Wire
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: September 16, 2021
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 532
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      Hi Carmen!

      You caught my attention with your “non-sexual” comment. That’s it for me too. I now get it that when women dress “up” sexy it’s not necessarily to provoke a sexual advance. We just like dressing up because it feels good and affirms, in my case, my gender-fluid identity. And it’s FUN!

      At my advancing age, I’ve traded in my boring SUV for an Audi RS 5 Sportback and I’m hitting the accelerator! WTH, life is short!

      I offer NO advice. Just continue to be you and have fun!

      Hugs, Barb

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      • #580021
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        Thank you!  I love the sexuality component of Carmen, but more in appearance and the effect she creates.  There is a definite line between the two for me.  For me, crossdressing isn’t about looking for sex… it’s about looking LIKE sex.  Completely different things.

        Love those RS 5s.  Funny you mention, guy mode drives an SUV, girl mode deserved something “cuter”, so I bought Carmen a little cute black Fiat Abarth.  She looks so cute in it too! 🙂

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    • #579512
      Laura Lovett
      Lady
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 37
      Replies: 1531
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      Have you ever considered being a drag queen?

      Entering for RuPaul’s – and winning?

      There’s a target for you – and the levels of artistry required seem to get higher by the episode, not to mention the abilities to dance, sing, write lyrics, act, perform stand up, do impersonations, make your own clothing – the parameters for competition are very wide, but the central theme is to develop the character you’re projecting and show you have a future to look forward to!

      I would love to see you do that!

      Just getting on stage in the first place is a massive challenge for me, never mind the other stuff.

      I guess I am lucky – I am such a slow learner!

      It took me until I was 54 to realise I’m a cross dresser, for goodness sake!

      Love Laura

      • #579591
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        I’d feel too old for that lol, but thank you for thinking of me 😉

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579477
      Carmen Cruz
      Lady
      Registered On: September 12, 2021
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 79
      Has thanked: 101 times
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      Girls wanna know the craziness of the “other site”?????… and I’m not on any of the wild fetish femboy sissy whatever subs… just on crossdressing specific (2 of them)…

      Anyhow, I clear out any unread messages every single weekend.  So starting from zero unread this Sunday evening… my chat inbox there now says 207 new, and those are just NEW INVITES… let alone people who just won’t let up in the ones I’ve responded to in the past in my actual inbox.  Totally nutty.  Granted, a very small percentage are other CDs with legitimate CD questions… so those I answer.

      Here’s the thing… I’m not attracted to anybody looking for a CD, and they all know I am already based on the sub.  Heaven forbid I was posting on all the other crazy subs, or gave an indication I’m actively “looking”.  I can’t even imagine.  LMAO.

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    • #579424
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 4
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      It seems you do not do failure and the divorce was perhaps something you couldn’t cope with and a fail. You tried to a successful failure and you failed at that too.

      It is a point to note that one day you thought Hmmm I wonder if I could be accepted as a woman. I accept you love a challenge but where did it come from? It seems unrelated to most of your other achievements. Is it a reaction to your divorce in that you could be a better woman than your ex and has the divorce set a challenge and now you have reached the crossroads to where to go next. Your nature says that you will go all the way but what is all the way? 

      We see a beautiful woman and sure that is what the world at large sees too. There is no doubt you could pick up a date having them believe you are a woman. Giving the game away at the start defeats the object of the deception as they will know you are not a woman and is that what you want them to believe? 

      You have more than achieved the goal of being a woman in the eyes of the world. You have won so to go to the next level of perfection is impossible without the right equipment. If you did decide to do it would this be a win or fail?

      I hope that at this crossroads you see the proceed with caution sign and that there may not be medals at the end.

      Thank you for sharing this as it is quite engrossing.

       

       

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      • #579448
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
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        Has thanked: 101 times
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        Angela!  Oh goodness, amazing response.  Thank you.  In the first part of your post, I think mentally I got over that trauma a few years ago… it’s been 12 years now since, married for 18, so about 10 years of trying to find my purpose again was a pretty good amount of time to figure all that out.  As far as being a better woman… I’m absolutely certain the ex has nothing to do with that.  It’s just not part of the mental baggage anymore.  Nothing about that marriage really has any impact on me emotionally.  There are simply no more ties or triggers.

        I can’t really explain it… the crossdressing bit.  I was seriously watching YouTube videos, makeup tutorials, etc… boredom out of covid and found I was hooked on watching these women transform like reality TV lol.  It was my downtime!  Now, I’ve ALWAYS been into skin=care products and reading reviews on amazon etc… so makeup was an easy transition of my insatiable need to learn something new.

        Anyhow, I started trying it on myself, cut up a pair of jeans (I’ve always been super attracted to the short jean shorts and wedges look on women… makes my heart stop when I see an attractive woman walking around in that style).  ANYHOW, so I duplicated the look, the look I found most attractive… looked in the mirror and decided, sheeeesh, I think I could pull this off.  LMAO.  A few days later, I’m running around town getting gas, going into convenience stores, small stuff at first and picking only places where there weren’t a lot of people (easy through lockdown), and a few days after that, literally, finding an open outdoor mall with a bunch of people… and gave it a go… bare ass cheeks in the shortest booty shorts I made myself from my $200 pair of Buckle jeans, and went at it.  After that, constant adjustments with makeup and hair (what I had of it at the time since it was JUST growing out) and whamo… full fledged Carmen out in the wild.

        Here is where your response got REALLY interesting and tricky for me…. “… without the right equipment …”  You would think I’d start HRT, then start planning surgery, etc.  Oddly, I have zero interest in a gender change nor would I even consider HRT.  Sure, I researched it, but it just doesn’t interest me.  Weird right?  I don’t want to be a woman, I just want to look and act like one at will, which I’m capable of doing now.  I want to keep getting better at it.  How do I make myself sexier, how do I make myself more beautiful.  Everything about me is about being able to do it without Rx.  Doing it naturally, on my own, is the only way I know how to operate.

        • #579459
          Angela Booth
          Lady
          Registered On: August 1, 2020
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          You never know what is in the dark corners of the mind and what will manifest itself and when. I can see a diagnosis as I have had professional dealings with people who display your tendencies.  I am only guessing.

          To me you look perfect and I am soooo envious too! So without surgery how do you get perfection ?

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          • #579464
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
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            Sorry, I missed responding to one thing you asked… about Perfection.

            I think the human body is an amazing thing.  It may be voodoo, it may be science, who knows… but you know how everyone says those in relationships being to physically look like each other… they take on the same smile, the same mannerisms, they physically change.  You take that same concept… apply it to anybody and anything… and while it may be subtle, maybe subtle is all that was even needed to get to the next level.

            Perfection is also personal and as individual as we are as humans… a moving target based on someone’s own idea of what perfection is.  Perfection to me isn’t a level, but a moment in time I can look at myself in the mirror and say, you’re doing everything you can, the best you can, to achieve whatever you’re trying to accomplish.  If I can honestly say that about myself, to myself, wholeheartedly… well, isn’t that perfection?

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          • #579460
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
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            Very true.  There’s always something in the closet.  We’re human beings after all.  Now, if you talk to friends, family, coworkers, restaurant servers where I frequent, anyone anywhere really about me, their diagnosis would be “who, him, he’s like the most chill laid back person letting everyone do and be whatever it is they want to be.”… and I am!  I’m a huge proponent of 1) you can’t control anything but yourself and your reaction to situations, and 2) do you and do whatever makes you happy, and 3) if you’re a mean person, I want nothing to do with you and will put no energy into you.

            Now, when it comes to myself… well, I have really high expectations from myself.

            Yeah, I’m unique.  Talk to any of my exes and they’ll tell you I don’t even ever raise my voice.  Communication is everything.  Tone and how you speak is more important than the words.  It’s all about the message.  The energy.  With that, I can accomplish anything.

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          • #579461
            Angela Booth
            Lady
            Registered On: August 1, 2020
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            And that energy is infectious and inspiring. Thank you Carmen.

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    • #579409
      Heather Jameson
      Duchess
      Registered On: April 1, 2019
      Topics: 12
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      Hi Carmen, welcome to the world of crossdressing. As I’ve said before this is an evolutionary process. For most it starts with a pair of panties maybe pantyhose then lets try on a bra and then wow that dress is pretty. It just snowballs and before you know it your dressed completely with makeup, the voice, the movements and now you’ve hit the big one, the sex drive. I’ve got all these guys hitting on me, which is turning you on, now can I satisfy them and myself sexually in the woman’s role. Well this brings you to decision time, where do I  stop the evolutionary train?

      Some decide, I just like the panties and stockings others keep on going. Now you have to figure out where you stop. Unfortunately we can all offer you advice but when it comes down to it only you know that answer.

      I wish you the best of luck and I’ve seen your pics and some lucky guy is going to be very happy, I don’t think you’ll have a hard time finding one but just as the other girls have said, full disclosure before hand and be careful. I’ve had some nasty things happen to me and I don’t want that to happen to you. Make sure you know this person well before getting into a private situation with them.

      Take care and enjoy, Heather.

       

      • #579421
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
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        Hi Heather.  I agree.  I think I’ve gotten to a point where I feel some ownership and responsibility of the beauty I’ve created… a self awareness, which my guy brain knows exactly what to do with, how to act, how to position myself and move about in the world around me to achieve sex appeal.  It’s an advantage being a guy all my life, think like a guy, but can be that sexiness men find appealing.  It’s a power lmao.

        What spurred this post, I believe, because of the timing… I was coming out of the grocery store and this very attractive woman almost ran into me… she literally said “holy crap girl, f’n work it!  If I looked like you, jesus I’d be working it!”  I thanked her, we laughed, and bam, it totally hit me like a freight train.  These people, not just men, but attractive women, see me as an attractive woman!  That’s some serious sexual power.  I get the same reaction from men, constantly, every where I go… but when this woman said it so energetically, I started believing in myself.

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        • #579423
          Heather Jameson
          Duchess
          Registered On: April 1, 2019
          Topics: 12
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          That would be a thrill, I love it when women compliment my look and style. I had a lady at a Xmas dance try to buy the boots right off my feet. It is very empowering isn’t it, especially when you know the man wants you, it’s quite a rush. I started experimenting when I was 14 and knew immediately I loved the role of the woman. To be going down satisfying a man and see the look in his eyes as he’s reaching the point of ecstasy is a total turn on. I’ve always found great satisfaction by taking care of my partners needs well.

          Like I said enjoy but be careful, there’s a lot of weirdos out there dear.

          Take care and don’t forget we want all the juicy details, lol, just kidding, Heather

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          • #579427
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
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            Hahaha!  Juicy details?  Based on what I’m reading, everyone on this board has a lot more experience and juicy details than I do at this moment.

            But no fair describing it the way you did LMAO!  If it weren’t for work… knowing my experiences this entire year… I seriously feel like getting all sexy, running to the grocery store, and guaranteed, will get hit on enough to make a decision to have a guy for lunch.  LMAO.  Even more so if I go “looking”.  It would be easy peasy and pretty much guaranteed.  Will I though?  Nah, because I haven’t processed whatever it is I’m feeling.  But do I feel like doing it?  Ummmm, yeah.  LMAO.  So I’m not getting into girl mode, nor am I going to leave the house… or that compulsiveness will surely take over.

          • #579926
            Heather Jameson
            Duchess
            Registered On: April 1, 2019
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            Good call, think this through carefully and slowly, not the time to be rushing into things. I’m glad you liked my description, I do a little creative writing occasionally.

            Take care, Heather.

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    • #579365
      Cassie Jayson
      Duchess
      Registered On: September 29, 2019
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      Carmen, your story runs similar to many here at CDH. I have a little over 2 years here and I will admit that those girls here who have a relationship with a man ( assuming a mtf cd) made ma a little uneasy. I often told people the lgb portion of lgbtq+ makes me feel uneasy. After almost a year here when I was dressed I would wonder how it would feel to be held by a man and be kissed by one. Anything more than that I don’t want to think about.
      As I sit here today with a day off I dream sometimes of a caring relationship with anyone male of female, someone who would like/care for just me as me.
      . . .Cassie

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    • #579362
      Dani Grand
      Baroness
      Registered On: October 9, 2018
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      At a ‘cross road’ is a good description.

      It’s that “curiosity” thing hard at work. What if? I wonder about?

      It seems to me that you’ve ‘nailed’ the role. If men are hitting on you, and you are enjoying that type of attention, even remotely, then the next questions emerge…

      There really is no other way to know the answer to your questions without following through on one of those advances. How else will you know?

      If I were in your heels and didn’t have an SO, it probably wouldn’t be much of a question other than ‘when’…

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579307
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 43
      Replies: 1257
      Has thanked: 331 times
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      “Do I tell people I’m actually a dude when they hit on me?”     Yes.  We would rather not hear your name read on the next Transgender Day of Remembrance.

      • #579334
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
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        Of course if it get’s that far… but I’m certainly not going to just be like “Hey girl, what’s your name”, “It’s Carmen and I’m a crossdresser” to everyone who shows interest.  I think that would defeat the purpose of trying to look girly and passable. 🙂

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579251
      Roberta Broussard
      Baroness
      Registered On: July 20, 2020
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 161
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      I’m not sure if allowing your compulsiveness or drive, will take you where you want to be. Perhaps you might be working this matter a little too much.

      I would say just relax, enjoy who you are and all that your new self has to offer. If or when you cross that bridge. Let it be for the right reasons.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #579260
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
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        Ah, compulsiveness and drive… two words that define me.  I have to learn how to undo those, or learn to apply them only when necessary… those two words are inherent in my personality, fortunately or unfortunately.  It’s hard for me to operate any other way.  I’m just going through the process, emotions, motions… all new things to consider brought about by crossdressing.  Part of this “feeling”, is also wondering if I should stop crossdressing.  I’ve gotten to a level of “perceived” femininity that I’ve been at wits end trying to figure out what else I can do naturally to myself to become even more feminine looking.  Unfortunately, short of HRT (which I won’t do), what else is there for me.  Am I at the end of my exploration?  Is there more for Carmen to become “better”?  I really don’t know the answers to those things yet.  Still trying to figure it all out.

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        • #579357
          Dani Grand
          Baroness
          Registered On: October 9, 2018
          Topics: 1
          Replies: 107
          Has thanked: 542 times
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          No, no you don’t need to remove those drives. At least I don’t believe you should. The hard-core intellectual in me says “why not?” Just stay on this side of obsession and you’ll be okay.

          It’s called curiosity – and it is part of being an aware human.
          It is that aspect of our humanity that has us asking ‘why?’ for nearly everything we do. Why am I here? What was I brought here to do? Why do I feel the way I do?

          Other aspects to consider…i.e. that curiosity may also be tied with…
          – a dysphoria
          – a chemical imbalance (rare but possible I believe)

          Like many other things in this world, I am of the belief that it is not ‘just one thing’. It is a combination of items coming directly from how we are wired – our DNA.

          You can hide / suppress your curiosity…or, you can follow it far enough to sate your curiosity. ‘Far enough’ is where we all have questions. Does far enough mean become a complete woman and feel it ALL the way / in every way? Only your hair dresser knows for sure.

          So, I say – stay curious.

          Dani

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          • #579381
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            Definitely staying curious… I feel hot knowing I could be one hot mama for some man for some action.  They may think they’re using me… but it’s quite the contrary… I’d be using them for what I want.  LMAO.  J/K… it isn’t “quite” like that, YET.

            3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #579272
          Roberta Broussard
          Baroness
          Registered On: July 20, 2020
          Topics: 5
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          Not a thing wrong with having drive and ambition. They are just some of the tools we use to help us get to where we want to go. Or to push thru adversity and reach the point we want be at.

          Like driving a race track, you have to adapt discipline when using the throttle or break.

          It just sounded to me like you had a compelling need to conquer this Femme issue. I’m just suggesting that you let yourself enjoy it, savor it, immerse yourself in it if you like. No one ever told me that not all things in life need to be conquered. I had to learn that on my own and perhaps much later in life than I should have. Slow learner, lol.

          6 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579291
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            I’d also like to add… about divorce and my life after divorce…

            Like I said, I was totally crushed.  I made a decision afterwards that to prove a point, I was going to fail miserably at everything.  In my messed up head, it was as if I was telling myself “well, if I’m thrown away for being good at everything, maybe I’ll be accepted by being bad at everything”.  From finances to activities to everything in between, I started intentionally failing.  What a messed up place to be!

            3 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579364
            Dani Grand
            Baroness
            Registered On: October 9, 2018
            Topics: 1
            Replies: 107
            Has thanked: 542 times
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            You’ve fixed that, right?

            2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579374
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            Ha.  I should have pointed that out.  A few years ago I was done with that crap and back to the regular ‘ol highly successful me.  LOL.  Thank you though, for the concern and checking up on me 🙂

            3 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579280
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            Ha!  My “problem” is I’m a fast learner… some examples of that in my life…

            I decided one day (on a dare actually) to create an instrumental CD of my piano playing.  I play by ear and never had lessons.  So I wrote 13 pieces, recorded them professionally, got them printed to CD, and the day I picked up the box from the manufacture, I marched on in to our local smooth jazz radio station, asked to talk to the director, and they played a few songs on the radio, ON THE SPOT.  Ended up on 70 radio stations LOL… start to finish including writing the songs… 2 months!  LMAO.

            Martial arts… I got to 2nd degree black in a year and a half.  By the time I was just a green belt (just a couple months in), I started enrolling myself in national competitions at instructor level.  They let me compete!  Long story short… 18 1st place sparring trophies, 21 1st place forms trophies, those instructors were pissed… but hey, I never came home with a 2nd place…. EVER.  LOL.

            I have a million stories, exactly the same, for pretty much everything I’ve done.

            Reason my wife gave me for divorce… she hated the fact that I was good at everything, and she felt totally lost as a person with me around.  That pretty much broke me for a while.

            Anyhow, thank you for your understanding.  I’m loving this community we have here!

            6 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579367
            Dani Grand
            Baroness
            Registered On: October 9, 2018
            Topics: 1
            Replies: 107
            Has thanked: 542 times
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            OMG! I hear that from my wife regularly. 🙁

            I sense some OCD here ;-).
            I wrote elsewhere about staying on ‘this side of obsession’…

            2 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579377
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            Nah, not OCD at all.  Not even borderline.  I’ve acknowledged that so many things just come naturally easy to me for some reason.  All my friends even acknowledge it in me.  Whatever I set out to do, it just comes… easy to be good at.  I don’t know what it is.  I remember one family xmas a distant relative brought a violin and played it for us.  I was like, oh, that’s awesome… by the end of the evening, I was playing Ave Maria.  Next business day, I bought a violin.  LOL.  Piano, drums, guitar… all self taught and easy.  I’m a technologist and software developer by trade… self taught… easy.  Project management, communications, graphic design… and being at the top of the ladder… EASY.  Working on cars, remodeling homes, building cabinetry and furniture… all self taught… EASY!  I’m a nut.

            3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579223
      CelesteCD
      Lady
      Registered On: April 21, 2021
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 55
      Has thanked: 214 times
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      Carmen, what you have shared here is something that I can completely relate to on many levels.  From what I can tell your dressing started out with one objective – or dare I say curiosity – but once that was achieved you found yourself wanting more. Maybe it was lipstick first, then you raised the game with shorter shorts, then..rinse and repeat many times over.  Yes I can relate to that in so many ways – going well beyond what I ever thought I would.  Now, you have successfully improved your skills at makeup and dressing to clearly turn heads (really great profile pics).  And with it comes a feeling of being desired and puts you in the position of power.  While I have not been as bold as you with being in public, I do feel more powerful each time I dress with a touch of bawdiness where I want to just see what the reaction could be.  It’s like, I know what the other person wants and I will decide if/when/how that happens.  Your hypothetical of what you would say/do to a guy would turn him to putty and it sounds like you would enjoy that quite a bit as well.  Nothing wrong with that at all.  It’s really intoxicating as someone else here posted one time.  One thing I have learned in my time on this journey is that once there is the idea of trying something in my head, it is hard to shake it until I have actually tried it.  After all how do you know what you like and dislike, much less what it means for you until you have gone down that road. Easy for me to say and I really am rambling at this point, but perhaps you understand where I’m coming from.  BTW, great photos you have shared with everyone!

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #579263
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
        Been thanked: 530 times

        Thank you for your response Celeste.  I TOTALLY get what you’re saying.  I’d also have to agree, or re-state, the notion of being in “control”, of knowing how to flirt and what to say, knowing how much power one’s sexiness can be to another’s desire… it’s extremely sexy and a total turn on!

        4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579197
      Liara Wolfe
      Lady
      Registered On: August 14, 2021
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 791
      Has thanked: 1341 times
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      Carmen,

      I am one of those type A males (or use to be)  that try to always get things perfect. So in cross dressing I want to be as feminine as possible. I have studied female mannerisms and practice sounding female. I am getting decent at it and it seems the more I do this the more feminine I am becoming. I have also noticed that I am not letting go of my feminine side when I go back to drab. It’s like I have let the genie out of the bottle and to tell the truth I am not upset with it, in fact I really love being feminine.

      I have always loved women and wanted to be with them. I have never thought I was gay and never thought about being with a man, but lately I have. To be treated as a lady from a kind and sweet man sounds appealing to me now (maybe I’m Bi and never really new it). I haven’t ventured out, unlike you, so I don’t know if any guys would be attracted to me, but I would like to think so.

      Anyway what I’m trying to say Hon, is that your are not alone in this different but wonderful life style we chose to explore.

      Hugs, Liara

      • #579368
        Dani Grand
        Baroness
        Registered On: October 9, 2018
        Topics: 1
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        Has thanked: 542 times
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        Very well said.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #579203
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
        Been thanked: 530 times

        YES, we are very similar in that regard.  I’ve studied everything about it, INCLUDING facial bone structure (male vs. female skulls) lol.  I set them side by side on my computer screen and try to find all the differences so I can apply makeup in a way that works with bone structure vs. standard makeup application.  I’ve tested so many variances and know that a 1mm move in either direction with my lashes or brows or eyeshadow can make that feminine “marker” turn male.  NONE of that is ever shown on YouTube videos.  LOL.

        I’m so grateful for all you here.  I definitely am feeling better, knowing I’m not alone and these new feelings are relatively common.

        As far as venturing out… Araminta knows… I pretty much forced myself to go out in public, dressed in a way that would force people to look at me and make that instant identification whether I was male or female.  It wasn’t about hiding or blending in for me… it was about forcing the issue so I can make adjustments towards feminine as fast as humanly possible.  It literally took less than a week from the first day I tried putting on eyeliner and lashes to heading out to a crowded mall in booty shorts just to test out how feminine I was looking.  At that point, I didn’t care whether I looked male or female, it was a matter of seeing how others reacted so I can make changes if people thought I was male.  LOL.

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        • #579208
          Liara Wolfe
          Lady
          Registered On: August 14, 2021
          Topics: 3
          Replies: 791
          Has thanked: 1341 times
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          You are a brave girl Carmen. You put yourself out there and I admire you for that. Maybe one day I’ll get the nerve to go out.

          Hugs, Liara

          3 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579360
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
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            Thank you.  Everyone is individual, with their own agenda and goals with crossdressing.  For me, when I say it isn’t (or wasn’t) about gender, I’m quite happy being a guy.  I don’t experience dysphoria in a way that many explain it.  I only feel it as a failure to do what I set out to do… appear as a woman in public through casual person to person interaction as I go about my day (and look hot doing it lol).  Interestingly, in my early adult life, I had my hair long, stayed fit and lean, totally cared about my appearance and health, keeping my skin and face as smooth as possible, yet couldn’t care less if someone mistook me for a girl when my hair was long and from a distance or in my car etc.  It was a compliment.  Yes, I’m a guy, and I love taking care of myself.  So what?  Totally confident in myself.  The only area that made me feel bad was how skinny my legs were (as a man).  People used to pick on me about my legs and I couldn’t stand them.  I always wore long pants because of it, never even wore shorts, ever.

            What’s funny about that now, is as Carmen, my legs are AMAZING lol, and all I want to do is wear as short as shorts and skirts as absolutely possible (without showing my privates while just standing obviously)… I live for showing off my legs in girl mode!  In guy mode, still hide them.  In girl mode, total opposite!!!!  The difference now however, is I know how valuable they are, hidden away in my jeans while in guy mode.  And it’s that knowledge that helps me not mind my legs so much anymore LMAO.

            3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #579176
      Autumn Valiant
      Duchess
      Registered On: July 14, 2019
      Topics: 45
      Replies: 1263
      Has thanked: 20446 times
      Been thanked: 3758 times

      Hi Carmen!

      I read this post…. Went and looked at your photos. Wow! Gorgeous! I read your profile. So I am going to give my opinion…. I think your diving in just to see if you can pass was a subconscious excuse to convince your high achieving male self that there was no gender based or sexual based reason. Just gotta see if I can do it …  Just gotta see if I can pass…. Gotta do it right and do it well….. Gotta work so hard to get things perfect……

      Lots to concentrate on while keeping other things repressed. Wouldn’t want to allow one’s self to admit there was a deeper reason or a hidden desire. It was just to excel. I think if passing was truly your only goal, you wouldn’t be crossdressing every day. Passing was obviously proven a while ago.

      I think you have finally “scratched the surface” of what lies beneath. Your just not sure how you feel about that when you view these feelings, thoughts, and ideas through your high achieving “manly” lenses.

      Put the manly lenses aside. You are you no matter what you do. Explore and experience what ever you find interesting. You will find what feels right and what doesn’t. The discovery will be thrilling

      Hugs,

      Autumn

       

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #579195
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
        Been thanked: 530 times

        Thank you Autumn for your wonderful response.  I responded in the post with Araminta, but didn’t want you to feel I was ignoring you… 🙂

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    • #579175
      Araminta Purdy
      Duchess
      Registered On: January 23, 2020
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 402
      Has thanked: 771 times
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      Right! Well. Carmen, I have been sort of watching you for the past year on another site. I have always felt that your feminine persona is a sexy lady. Otherwise your story is so normal it is a bit repetitive to the point that I was doubtful whether I should respond. You, however, are sweet enough that I care a bit about your quandary.

      You wrote:

      “Does crossdressing lead to these feelings emerging??????  Do I tell people I’m actually a dude when they hit on me?  Interestingly, I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who is looking for a trans mtf or a crossdresser.  I know, it’s weird, but I could see myself having fun with a man who thinks I’m a woman through and through… so there’s another dilemma.”

      It’s what led to cross-dressing that is leading to these feelings. I feel it very probable that there was something that was always a part of you that has only recently been permitted to develop. It’s what motivated you to express femininity in the first place and to desire to bedizen yourself and behave accordingly. This has brought you to a juncture that most cross-dressers envy. Whether to express your femininity in a sexual identity or not? Your own attraction to your own femininity compounded by male approval and confirmation motivate you to take the matter to a more intimate level. But that’s just being sexual. It’s not any particular male (yet) that is at issue. It is the usually womanly concerns as to how you will be treated; an issue of trust. I suspect that a caring gentleman could sweep you off of your feet. You are looking for a man who is looking for a woman; of either sex. You would probably also appreciate a male  who sought a feminine male who also wishes to be a woman.

      I do not know if I would actually use the term ‘dude’ but if it is not an issue then it is none of their business. If it becomes an issue then it should be upfront as soon as possible and in a safe setting.

      So. Is there someone in particular?

      Araminta.

      • #579194
        Carmen Cruz
        Lady
        Registered On: September 12, 2021
        Topics: 12
        Replies: 79
        Has thanked: 101 times
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        Araminta!  Yes, you’ve been with me since the very beginning.  My very first post in fact.  So, thank you always for your kindness and responses.  I put out a different vibe on the other site, it’s just a “show” if you will.  I signed up here for the real stuff, the real friendship and connection with other crossdressers.

        I agree with what you say.  It’s just the beginning of a process however for me, so there is no particular person in mind.  Part of this post was really about acknowledging that I’m starting to think in directions I’m not accustomed to.  I’ve been asked for my number more times than I can even count, but you know how many I’ve given out?  ZERO.  It’s a feeling of such disconnect.  I don’t even know what “type” of man I’d be attracted to, yet I know what turns me off (most lol).

        I guess I’m afraid of unknown, especially knowing my personality type!  I’m somewhat afraid that if I let myself go down that path, it’ll hook me in like all my other interests, and where would that lead?  More men?  (I’m not a prude, and I’m very sex positive, but STILL).

        With women, I’m giving.  That includes sexually.  My pleasure comes from giving my partner pleasure, and we all know what that means when it comes to pleasing a women.  It goes above my own because that’s what I enjoy most.  I have a sense that THAT is how I’d be with a man.  Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m talking about this lol… but there it is.

        I’m starting to think about my own basic needs, but Carmen is almost running that show… as a woman.  I haven’t dated this entire year, and been focused entirely on myself.  I definitely don’t regret it, as dating (as Carmen) would have made the entire exploration different, more complex, and not something I wanted to expend energy on… but now, a year later, here I am (for lack of a better word… horny).

        As Carmen however, there is a power, a sexual power that I now hold.  It was different as a man, even though I never had any issues in that department either as a guy.  Simple.  LMAO.

        Sorry, my reply is probably all over the place and a bit disorganized.  But in my professional life… I manage projects and my team operates under one premise… with organization, comes disorganization. That’s currently the stage I’m at… pulling all my thoughts apart, before assembling them back together for greater clarity.

        • This reply was modified 1 week ago by Gabriela Romani. Reason: Removed adult content
        • #579511
          Araminta Purdy
          Duchess
          Registered On: January 23, 2020
          Topics: 8
          Replies: 402
          Has thanked: 771 times
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          Sorry, my reply is probably all over the place and a bit disorganized.  But in my professional life… I manage projects and my team operates under one premise… with organization, comes disorganization.”

          My replies are usually disorganized as well. It is difficult putting complex concepts into lucid terminology. With gender and sex (coitus) that has been a problem for interested parties (theorists and researchers) since at least 1850. The difficulty is that, in a prudish society, nobody discusses the relevant issues rationally. The only people who openly discuss sex and gender are those who do not feel the restraints of conventions and who generally use crude and even offensive terminology. At a loss for something more ‘polite’ or even academic early students tended to invent or borrow phrases or words that were inaccurate, inappropriate and based on only half-understood or even misunderstood concepts. For example, that one must be female to be feminine is so obviously untrue that I cannot comprehend why it is not universally accepted. Instead, in the past 50-years, the accepted ‘truth’ has been that ‘sex’ (male-female) and ‘gender’ (masculine-androgynous-femine) mean precisely the same thing. Again, obviously inaccurate but widely accepted.

          Kinsey became aware that there was so much that was unknown about sexuality because nobody expressed themselves, few studied the sociological and anatomical aspects and, especially, most failed to devise a suitable terminology by which people could express themselves or understand each other. I remember reading his book in the 60s and it was revelatory but in retrospect I can see that he also struggled with meaning and generally focused on gathering data.

          I ramble but the point is that first, we lack the relevant vocabulary. Each field has its jargon. Consider the terminology invented for Computer Sciences. The jargon relevant to cross-dressing is a failure including the term ‘cross-dressing’. Second, that failure compounded with general acceptance of misleading or inaccurate ideas simply creates confusion rather than enlightenment.

          But that’s not what I wanted to write about!

          When you wrote, “… with organization, comes disorganization”, I am reminded of Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” To this I add a corollary: “There is always something that can go wrong”. I find that in any endeavour the first attempt is disastrous as everything goes wrong. (Any thespians here?) The second time, everything else goes wrong. The third time everything works out but it starts to get boring.

          I do not think that you have to offer anyone fellatio (unless you really want to) but I might suggest sort of openly dating just as a companionable activity. No sex. If there is someone willing and whom you trust. Someone who does not strike apprehension into the modest and timid maiden who resides within you.

          Also, sometimes accepting pleasure is to give pleasure.

          Araminta.

          3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #579299
          Michelle McQueen
          Lady
          Registered On: June 14, 2021
          Topics: 16
          Replies: 730
          Has thanked: 3516 times
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          Hi Carmen.

          You said… “As Carmen however, there is a power, a sexual power that I now hold. It was different as a man…”

          This realization is the intoxicating addiction we all come to understand whether we act on it or not. Its up to each of us whether we choose to only see this power in the mirror or if we wield it further and act on it in public toward men. The power of a female.

          I suggest that because you have succeeded in appearing completely passable, if you do decide to explore with men, then you should be up front to avoid possible confusion and/or anger. Please don’t become another statistic.

          4 users thanked author for this post.
          • #579303
            Carmen Cruz
            Lady
            Registered On: September 12, 2021
            Topics: 12
            Replies: 79
            Has thanked: 101 times
            Been thanked: 530 times

            Agree with you on every point.  Thank you!  Yes, no matter what, personal safety is always a priority!

            3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #579182
        Autumn Valiant
        Duchess
        Registered On: July 14, 2019
        Topics: 45
        Replies: 1263
        Has thanked: 20446 times
        Been thanked: 3758 times

        Hi Araminta,

        Bedizen. What a great word. Yes I had to look it up. You are always helping me imorove my vocabulary. Where were you when I was in 7th grade despising my English teacher? 😉

        Hugs,

        Autumn

        3 users thanked author for this post.
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