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Hi everyone, it’s been nearly 3 months since I have been on here. Last I was here, I was on estradiol and spiro, ready to add progesterone and slowly feeling changes, physical, emotional, and mental. Then something happened.
I’m not quite certain what happened, but I think it started with my already borderline high blood pressure jumping up to a dangerous level. My doc decided to shelve the progesterone idea, and cut back on the estradiol until I could get my bp into a safer place. This has proven difficult, although I have 99% committed to a healthy diet and am going to get more active. I am down 15 lbs in a few weeks, so that’s a start.
My health concerns, along with a pang of regret for what my family would say when I next saw them (my breasts were getting big in a hurry), led me to pause injections and wean off spiro. My breasts have finally returned to close to what they were before (but not quite) and no longer ache. My thought processes and whatever feminine traits I was beginning to possess have disappeared.
I feel nearly certain that I will never try to transition again. I have paused twice already, and that makes me question just how badly I wanted to do it. There were times when I wished with everything I had that I could be a female, and start my life anew. But those moments have been trampled by increasing feelings of trepidation and even dread. I feel destined to be nothing more than an unenthusiastic man that rarely puts on women’s clothing and makeup, just to feel pretty once in a while.
I often wonder if I had stayed living in the very liberal city I was in, if maybe I would have fought through the health issue and went all in to be the woman that is still somewhere inside of me. It was such an amazing feeling to go out in broad daylight to the clinic fully dressed, with makeup and long, painted fingernails, and drive through heavy traffic and not worry about judgment. I I got so many compliments from the staff that day, and they asked if I was ready to be called feminine pronouns, to which I said yes, I think it’s time now.
After my move to a more conservative area, far away from where I was, there just wasn’t the comfort level of dressing in public, and no lgbtq friendly clinic anywhere near. I set myself up to fail in transitioning. I occasionally get upset while thinking what I was so close to doing, the no return point was getting near the way my breasts were growing, and the way I was adapting to being a woman in my mind. There is a significant part of me that is also relieved because I don’t have to explain anything to my parents, my son, my friends, when I return home to visit. I feel confused, disappointed in myself, some measure of relief, and ultimately, kind of like a fraud.
Between this site and Reddit, I had been singing the praises of being trans and how proud I was to become a woman. I was going to be Bethany Amber Parker. I had her email set up, it had become my online persona. Deep inside, Bethany exists, but she will not be anywhere near what I had envisioned or hoped for. I guess it was not meant to be. I appreciate you ladies so much, the courage you have shown, the lovely people you are, even though many of you cannot show that side to others. I am now resigned to that same boat. I just didn’t have enough desire to make it work, in the end. After nearly making this permanent, massive change, I have returned to square one. Sigh.
Hi Beth
You are you and no way are you a ‘fraud’ ! The hormones, makeup hair and clothes are just bits to help display the inside person to the world.
You do not need to have any medication or surgery to be yourself, you just need to believe in yourself to be the true you, and remember we are all unique and have different paths to follow to reach our own goals. No matter how much surgery or hormones you have, the bit between the ears will still be the same person.
For my path so far – I was living full time and going down the hormones and surgical route in the 1980’s until I met my partner. We got together and made plans to move from London to the Southwest of the UK, so I put my transition on hold with an aim to pick it up again later on (you never think a relationship will last when you are in your 20’s!) However 35 yrs later we are still together, I still have not progressed my transition but live 50/50 fem and am out and proud and have a supportive partner.
There are many TG/CD I know who have made the ‘social/visible transition’ and live full time fem without having any surgery or hormones. hair removal and a positive attitude are the main tools used to achieve this. Some are unable to take medications due to underlying medical conditions, others due to finical issues or simply just dont want to do these things.. – all are happy with who and what they are.. so chin up, be proud of being the best you, you can be!
Hope that helps
Dawn
Hang in there Beth. Don’t be so doggone hard on yourself.
You have a wonderful story of love and commitment. The medications which last for a lifetime are, for some of us, that includes me, not worth it.
God bless you, Beth.
Lee Ann
Hi Beth,
I agree with everyone else. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I also have medical problems that will not allow me to transition. It is rough on the body and is emotionally trying. Just be who you are and that’s all anyone can be. You are who you are inside and that’s what counts. Keep your chin up and continue on being you and everything will work out.
Maria
Hi Beth. First of all, here’s a virtual hug for you. Second, have you ever thought that transitioning isn’t the right path for you? I don’t believe in coincidences. If you were stopped a few times in your transitioning then there’s a reason. What does the future hold for you? Who is Beth really? It looks like your journey is continuing. Transitioning was a nice stop but you have a ways to go yet. When you finally say to yourself “yup, this is me” then the hard part of your journey will be over and another leg begins. I went through the same thing although I never wanted to transition. When I accepted that I’m an androgyne and will always be a mix of male and female, I felt a peace that I can’t really describe. When you feel that peace you’ll know who Beth really is.
Do not be so hard on yourself…you are NOT a fraud
Remember, transitioning is just as individualized as our dress choices. not everyone wants HRT and yet, they are just as transgender as those who are on HRT… it is NOT a reflection of where you are or where you want to go or who you want to be… for some, it is a medical choice… for others, a social one… HRT is not the only path anymore than GRS is the only path…
the most important thing you can do is be TRUE to yourself and that does NOT depend on HRT or any other surgery or cosmetic procedure or whatever anyone else thinks!
Beth, I wish you luck as you continue your path and I hope that we can continue seeing you participate here on CDH.
Mikayla
Thanks Mikayla, I appreciate your kind words. I guess the biggest reason I feel like a fraud is that I was shouting from the rooftops of Crossdresser Heaven and Reddit about my progress to being a trans woman. I am very disappointed that health issues caused me to back off, but then I quit altogether because of inner conflict. I am very fortunate that my wife was very supportive of whatever I wanted to do to be my true self throughout this journey. Maybe I’ll get a new dress and fishnets and see if my wife will help me with makeup one day soon, and get a real picture of me on the site.
Thank you Rei, much appreciated. One never knows what the future holds, either. Like another gal said, maybe another time will strike me as the right time to try again. Or perhaps it will never happen, but, as with anything in life, if I can find the positive in whatever happens, I will be fine. At least I am losing weight and focusing on getting healthier, and that is super important.
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