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I recently came out to my wife about 2months ago, she wasn’t happy to learn about my cross dressing. We’ve been going to marriage counseling and even started seeing therapists separately. She isn’t interested in my cross dressing, is afraid that we aren’t sexually compatible, and is afraid I will look outside the marriage to fulfill my needs in the future. I’m afraid she will no longer be attracted to me, today is the anniversary of the day we met 11yrs ago, and last night she confirmed my fears when she disclosed that the past few time we’ve been intimate she has fantasized about someone else. I dread loosing the one I love and the only person who knows the true me. This sucks and I had to commiserate.
Do what you need to do Roan, no judgements here. I once was forced to make a similar choice and it’s never easy. Cloe’s right, perhaps if you could get her to see past the stereotypical sexual assumptions about crossdressing it may help. Sending hope and mental support your way and of course nonsexual hugs of love – Terrisa
Roan, you’ve said that you are getting counselling. One very important thing to do is to seek out a counsellor who has experience with transgender clients. Not all counsellors understand transgender people so potentially you and your wife could be getting the wrong advice.
It is very important that you explain that sexuality and gender expression are two completely separate issues. Some people assume that men who crossdress are gay and that might be what she is assuming, or at least suspects. If that is not the case then you need to make that very clear. That might be why she thinks you might want to look outside the marriage, because she assumes you are looking for another male.
Now is when you need to be completely honest with her. The honesty might still result in you losing her but a failure now to be honest would be a certain end to your marriage if she was ever to find out you’d been dishonest.
Although we all would love our wives to at least accept our crossdressing, it’s not always possible. That’s when we need to decide what we want and make allowances and compromises where necessary.
Best wishes.
Roan,
Reading this makes me incredibly sad. I feel that you are a genuine person with a good heart. I can also tell that you really love your wife. All I can do is hope that she sees that too and realizes that you are still the same person that you were before you came out to her. Good luck, my friend!
Hugs,
Tricia
It’s never easy coming out. Maybe you need to rekindle what you had in your CIS life for a bit. Maybe have date nights and go out together and try to rekindle things. Remind her you’re the same person you were and you’ve not changed personality wise. There are no easy answers. If she does leave remember that its not your fault. For me it was how can I truly love my wife if she doesn’t know me. That ultimately is what love is, being accepted for who you are. If you have to hide yourself then she will never know the real you. I will pray for you and hope it all turns out for yhe better.
About two months ago I was caught, when my wife and daughter saw pictures of me dressed. I promised to stop dressing, but that lasted about a month. So, I find myself dressing in private again. Since she’s seen me en femme (in pictures) I’m not sure she’s as attracted to me as before. I feel your pain. I have a strong feminine side of me that doesn’t appear to be compatible with my wife, so I find myself in a quandary. She loves who she thinks I am, not who I really am. 🙁
My own journey seems to mirror the description of yours Jennifer. I too was found out earlier this year by my wife (luckily the kids don’t know). Having his this part of me for so long I feel like I don’t know how to be truthful to myself or my wife.
I can never see my wife being accepting of who I am and the more I resist cross dressing the stronger the desire and need to continue in secret.
Added to this is my wife started treatment for breast cancer and so priorities have changed, but I can’t stop. I know I need to be there for her, but feel so trapped and unable to express myself and all the while, my poor wife is on her own hellish journey.
Currently we don’t talk about the cross dressing, but it is like this huge elephant in the room, as we never resolved anything before she became poorly.
I don’t want to rock the boat whilst she is having treatment, am so scared to talk about it with her as feel it will be the final nail in the marriage.
I have never seen anyone post on this site that they want to stop crossdressing, but I will admit I do.
I love it, it makes me feel amazing, but has just caused me, (and now my wife) pain, misery and mental anguish through out the last 30+ years of my life.
Although I want to stop, I know I never will. My will power is strong, but not strong enough for this.
I take responsibility for ever my life has ended up, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
I think you are all amazing and clearly have some challenging journeys of your own, am just at a real low point at the moment and needed to sound off to someone who won’t judge me to harshly.
Take care xxxx Jaime
Having had an ex wife that couldn’t understand this side of us, and now having one that does (she just made me up ), it’s not worth it.
I know, easier said than done and it’s heart breaking ! I know.
I’ve always thought that one’s SO will love and accept one for who one is; good and “bad”
I’d rather be alone than asking for acceptance.
Just my thoughts. I hope all works out.
Ladies this is how I see it. I would rather have her say sorry I can’t accept that you wear womens clothes than have her say I accept the clothes. What she really means is she only accepts the clothes but not you in the clothes. This is my situation I am in right now. She allows me to dress when I please. Puts up a fight when I put make up on or do my nails. It breaks your selfesteem even more when you are treated like this. Sorry but thats how I feel Ladies.
Hi Roan
Its been 20 years since coming out to my wife, and to be honest it’s still difficult, it has caused so much heart ache and yet we are still together, in her words “I had you on this pedestal, and you are no longer there”.
That sums up pretty well what happens sometimes, not all women can handle crossdressing how we would want them to, after all they fell in love with a man that has hidden the female side of their personality from them.
Thats not to say the relationship will end, but time is needed to allow wives and SO’s to adapt and find ways to compromise, that’s how we have coped, its not been easy and no its not perfect, but hey I have just passed 25 years of being married, its been hard but its been worth it.
Hugs Rachel
What most of you are saying scares me terribly.
My wife is the only one who knows about my cd side.
And even now she only suspects that I want to go further than panty hose.
We had a heart to heart last night and we have agreed that wearing panty hose is a must for me but I must not over play it. Flaunt it.
She has admitted that during sex she love’s feeling me through my tights.
This got me thinking. I actually think she is into it but doesn’t want to admit it or let me loose.
The thought of this stopping and her issuing an ultimatum, me or the dressing, would kill me either way.
I know I am lucky and yet I crave more. But losing her is unimaginable.
Why do the gods make life so hard for us?
Hi Sophie.
It is very dsheartening when u read all these stories. My wife knew from day one I was crossdressing and as I got older it got worse. Wanty to wear everything. Pantys stockings shoes make up wigs boobs. Eventually it just got to much for her. Although she never touched me when I was fully dressed I still craved for that acceptance and to feel wanted. Never happened.
Hi girls! I feel soo bad for all of you and wish there was something I could say to ease the pain. I have studied female psychology for years and trying to figure out why females act they way they do as well as think. The only thing I can really come up with is that they are generally copies of their mothers and media brainwashing. Ok, I get becoming transsexual, but cross dressing???? It is only fabric in a different cut. They don’t find us complaining about tee-shirts and pants and short haircuts, well, not as much, I guess.
I wrote a bit of a diatribe a while ago, that I thought….before people get married they should all explore and talk about the what ifs that happen down the road as couples age and attitudes and thoughts change. We know this will happen. The last couple of generations lived with the thought that God said…….It is Adam and Eve…..NOT Adam and Steve or Gail and Mable! This is passed on to females, along with a lot of other things by their moms. The media pertroys life as man/women and very rarely venture into reality of life to-day. Other countries have done so and some others go so far as killing those who don’t tow the line. I beg of all people considering marriage…..talk about all the potentials that will crop up during you life. I know…..the future is hard to forecast but……who starts a business without examining all the possibilities??? A failure….that is who.
Sorry if I come off as preaching….just a little advice from a grandma who hopes that someday….there will be no more heartbreaking stories
Lady Veronica
My wife has been acting weird since I went out last night. To be honest I feel more whole and complete now than I ever did in my journey. I know this right for me byt all I can do is be a supporting husband and be gentile and caring towards my wife. If she leaves me so be it all I can say is I did my very best and I’m okay with that. Last night I broke down with a flat in front of a hotel picking up my friend. Enfemme I changed a tire. That was the most terrifying thing and yet exileraying thing at the same time. I put myself out there. Now I just have to be warm and caring to my wife no matter what happens. It sucks but I know who I am. My wife knew I crossdressed when we married but I surpressed it. I no longer feel bottled up. If she loves me she’ll understand if she can’t I’ll have to move on. I haven’t cheated on my wife nor plan to. I just have to show her I’m still the man she married.
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