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This is the second account I create here. The first one, created a few months ago, was quickly abandoned.
I had opened up to my wife and she was accepting at first, but then she got very scared that I could be trans — she’s not attracted to trans girls. I did some digging and found no evidence that I can be a trans girl, even though I am decidedly not a “man”. Which essentially means I’m somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. That discovery seemed to appease her, only for me to sleep in lace thongs one night and for her to tell me the next morning that it really killed her mood when she came searching for my… parts. My sex drive is already much higher than hers, so I decided I would put away my panties and not try on any garments of hers again.
Only I can’t stop.
I started wearing panties almost daily, under my boxer briefs. At home, at work, anywhere, really. And I’ve taken up her suggestion of using her home laser machine to get rid of the hair on my chest. I’ve been shaving it for years because I have very little hair already, and when the middle of your chest has like 5 hairs you can see every single one of them. But then… I started shaving other parts, and have been using the laser on my cute feet, the small of my back, and I’ve been thinking about going to a proper laser place to do the pubic area. I know it’s somewhat of a caricature of what femininity is, but hair removal makes me feel girly and pretty. I really wanted to do my legs and start doing mani-pedis, but that’s too much of a commitment just yet. And mani-pedis are so expensive lol
It started with my long hair many years ago, then I grew the nails on my right hand “for guitar”, and now I find myself very fond of everything and anything in me that can be somewhat referred to as feminine. There seems to be some power I tap into whenever I allow myself to have a closer contact with my femininity.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m still serving butch realness daily. And I’m not sure how feminine I am. I just feel stuck in this male body, whereas anything non-masculine about it makes me feel a lot more free. Perhaps because my male body was defiled by my dad for years. Perhaps because I don’t want my own body to remind me of his. So this girl, this non-male in me, is like a window that I can open and just breathe in the clean air.
But it’s not only that. For most of my life I felt I was failing as a man. Whatever men were, did, and wanted, was seldom what I was, did, or wanted. Now, I don’t think I have failed: I’m just not a man! And I’m more and more comfortable with this (just last week added “he/they” to my work signature).
So thank you very much, ladies, for creating this space. I’m not sure how much I belong here — I do have deeper questions regarding gender that may not fall into the “male or MTF” binary, or crossdressing per se —, but I am beyond glad to have found you.
Love,
-G.
Welcome, G! There are so many wonderful souls here … all WAY more experienced than I am, but I am pleased to meet you and I’m glad you shared your story. And I’m looking forward to hearing more about the non-male you!
Arora
Hello G
Your deep questions and descriptions make me think about things I don’t let myself think about. Great to have you here. Would love to follow you and see how your story develops.
Thanks
LizzieI haven’t owned any male underwear for over 10 years. My wife has very little interest in sex, actually she has none, but even less if I am dressed as a woman. She is happy with me wearing female underwear to bed and has even bought be silky pyjamas…. I’m not allowed nightdresses though.
I don’t “feel” female. My head is male. I’m a man. I’m not trapped in the wrong body. I just prefer dressing and looking like a female. I think it suits me better. I look much better as Cerys than I do the male me. I am not transgender, but given the chance, I would live permanently dressed and looking like a female…. But I would still be a man.
There are times when I “can’t be bothered” getting into Cerys mode. This can last for a few weeks. There are times like this long weekend, when I have been Cerys all day. I haven’t worn male clothing for three days. Some days I’m full on, boobs, makeup, perfume etc. Some days it’s just a skirt and a T-shirt. Cerys is variable.
Some would call me gender fluid. I don’t think I am. I’m male. I know my gender. I’m happy being male. Externally I guess I could be, but gender is a mental thing. In my head I’m a man.
Maybe, rather than being a man trapped in a womans body, I’m a woman trapped inside a mans head?
And you think you’re confused 🙂 🙂Cerys.
Hi Cerys! You don’t sound confused at all! You know you’re a man, you know you like to present as a woman, and given the choice you would only present female. I can’t thank you enough for your words: a lot of them resonated with me, especially the part about knowing you’re not a woman. That’s my feeling as well, despite my not feeling like a “man” either — hence my self-identification as non-binary. “I just prefer dressing and looking like a female” sums up a lot of the feelings that I have. First and foremost, I know I don’t like a male presentation. It doesn’t make me feel anything. I never felt handsome, nor do I aspire to. But I love feeling pretty, which only happens when I have something feminine on, or when I look at my nails as they grow, or when I arrange the curls in my hair…
Hi G nice to meet you and so happy you found and joined us girls here so get settled in relax and enjoy yourself here.. Yes as a new sister and family member you are welcomed with open arms into our home as well as yours now also.. Well girlfriend there is a wealth of knowledge here to access and learn from so look around and ask many questions of these wonderful ladies here telling there stories about there journeys down the femme road they are on.. So when you get comfortable with us please join in with a story or two about the life and times of G as she travels down her own girly path in life.. As for making friends here there are so many ladies from all over the world to build long lasting friendships with and best of all girlfriend we are just a simple click away from you.. Please do us a small favor and return to your profile page and fill in more please as this is how we get to know you better thankyou.. So G once again nice to meet you and hope to see you around for a chat sometime soon..
Stephanie Bass
Well, thank you so much for the kind words, Stephanie! And thank you for the call out: my profile is complete now.
I do enjoy writing and will eventually share more than you girls could care to read, but we’re not there just yet — count yourselves lucky! lolYes! So much knowledge it’s even hard to know where to start. Billie Jay has been kind enough to give me some pointers, but the confusion is essentially internal: how feminine do I want to be? What for? For now, for instance, I don’t see myself wearing makeup. But then again it could be like everything else: you don’t know you want it until you do it. And my mom was a makeup artist when I was in my early teens, which meant a lot of times my brother and I would be the “models” in her class since they never had enough people to practice on. I don’t recall feeling anything particular about wearing makeup (and they did me as Marilyn Monroe once) but who knows.
Welcome back G it’s nice to meet you, this is my second time on here too, I left but the pink fog was too strong so here i am, I’ve not been able to dress as much as i would like because of the lock downs we had as I’m still in the closet to my wife, I’m sorry i can’t meet up with you for a coffee ☕ I’m on the other side of the pond in the UK, I’m sure there are lots of girls near to where you live who will be happy to meet up with you for a coffee and a chat,
Hugs Rozalyn X 🎀
So kind of you, Rozalyn! My company does have an office across the pond, so who knows? I’ve always meant to visit.
And good luck with your wife! Psychology says she knows somehow. It’s one of those things she would have to know unconsciously, because I am sure you’re not “a regular guy”. And yet she chose you. So have a little faith in your fabulous self, and in your relationship. If you have a good marriage, you have a friend next to you.
The way I came out to my wife is not something I would recommend 😅 I didn’t know how to tell her, so I slept in lace thongs and let her find out in the morning. I was feeling too sexy to realize she was a bit shocked, and things were weird for a while. I thought she was more accepting than she was and openly discussed with her the possibilities of this strength I was finding in myself. She got particularly scared of me being trans, and that’s when I realized I needed to tone down the conversation. Everyone will be different, but I do hope you have a friend in your wife like I have in mine.
Your welcome G, I’m not sure about coming out to my wife she says she doesn’t understand why some men want to dress up like women, my marriage has been a bit strained over the years i was a bit too occupied with work and didn’t pay much attention to my wife,
It’s only got better since i retired nearly 5 years ago we seem to spend more time with each other and like each other more, I only dress now when she is away,
Hugs Rozalyn X
Rozalyn,
I can see where you’re coming from: why risk losing something you’ve only recently recovered? But I do hope that on the long and winding road you find understanding around the bend. Do plan to tell her, eventually. Not only does it lift a lot of weight off you, but it also strengthens your trust in each other. For me it felt like the anxiety of living was lifted off my back. It does creep back on days she’s not as accepting, but more and more it feels “just normal”.
You belong as much as any of us. The way you have described yourself, it seems you are, as so many of us, a blend of genders and doing a fairly good job of accommodating all the parts. The trickiest aspect is finding a path that meets your needs and those of your wife. This can be managed, as long as you are mindful of her needs as well as your own and are patient with yourself and with her.
I can’t thank you enough, Kim! I’ll start quoting you when telling people my gender journey
And yes, I’ve been taking this as slowly as I can so that both of us can get used to the novelty of it all. Every new garment, every occasion I underdress, every new feeling that arises is being analyzed as I try to respect my truth but also my marriage. It’s a lot harder for her because she’s not attracted to trans girls at all. Which in a way is a blessing, because I know how I can get carried away with things. I’ve always admired women and always dreamed I could be one — I would definitely love to wake up one day and find out I became a woman. But I don’t feel I’m a woman; I just wish I could be one, and I’m starting to realize that a lot of my femininity has been pushed to the corners of my mind so that I would be accepted by my family and society. But I miss this part of me so much I just won’t fight it anymore.
Hi G and welcome back to CDH. I’m an intersex person with a mix of parts. I generally present as an older woman and wear women’s clothes because they fit me best. I’m on CDH and TGH and was worried about fitting in here but have felt very accepted. The board is well run and the folks here are kind, smart and witty. You should feel safe here. It took me a lifetime to learn to live with my condition and how to get along in the world and you can check my profile if you want that story (and yes Stephanie is right about filling in your profile page). So, don’t worry about being confused. Most of us are and just take a day at a time while we try working it out. It’s a journey. Marg
Marg, once I’m done replying to all the girls I’m sure coming back to your profile to learn a thing or two or ten. I find intersex particularly fascinating, because it gives society the opportunity to question its assumptions about sex (which ultimately led to assumptions about gender that bring most of us pain). I was reading the other day that in many countries any kind of sex affirmation procedures for intersex children is considered abuse — and thank the Goddess for that! I can only imagine the journey you have been through, and I’m glad to see that you seem to be comfortable in your body and in who you are. It can’t have been easy.
G Wonderful having you join again with us. A place to enjoy cross dressing and learn if there really is more to this. Share experiences and always discovering more from others. Our ladies here are fabulous in helping out, from advice to tips on improving ones self to the emotional feelings we are experiencing .Make friendships and feel free to contact us if there’s anything that you may need. Happy to meet you and enjoy being part of a community that cares.
Stephanie 🌹
Hello G
Don’t worry about if you belong here or not.
I believe you do. There are plenty of us here that are confused. And many of us are something other than “just cross dressers” ( a term I don’t care for) I hope you will stay around and get to know some of the girls. This is are great place to feel better about yourself.
hugs
AnnaBeth
Hey AnnaBeth! Yes, the term “crossdresser”… At best, it is descriptive, but then it also implies that only certain types of biology should wear certain types of garments. At worst, it is derogatory and/or fetishized. Nevertheless, for folks like me who are not so sure of where they fall on the gender spectrum, it has helped me find this amazing place: after all, to the outside world I’m “a dude in girls’ clothing”. “Crossdresser” is definitely not a term that defines me, but it does describe me 🤷🏻
Well welcome back! You sound like a lost little sheep.LOL But seriously I think you should go see a therapist to find out who you really are! You are in a relationship that you really seem to care about and you don’t want to mess that up by thinking you are “someone” who you aren’t. I have been to them and my wife not only knows but is very supportive of who I am!
All men have a feminine side, just like all women have a masculine side! It comes down to what extent they are! Did you know that men produce estrogen and women produce testosterone? It is actually converted hormones in the body.
Sometimes we can’t self diagnose ourselves! Thats what the good pro’s help us with. I say this a lot because I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, lose someone or take their own life because they are confused about who they are! It never hurts to talk with them and they may be able to help your wife understand who you are and what you want!
My door is always open if you have questions about my wife and I so don’t hesitate to ask. Good luck and I wish you the best! BrendaPS A lot more men wear panties then ever and the manufacturers are starting to notice! Mens underwear is coming out to look and feel just like women’s panties! So wear what you want!
Brenda, honey, I am lost, aren’t I? 🥲
I’ve started seeing my current therapist maybe 3 years ago, and the last two or three sessions did revolve around gender identity. I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s been stressing me out a bit. I’m afraid of all the consequences but at the same time undeniably happier and freer now that I’ve started to accept this side of me. But it’s quite a lot to take in. My therapist is well versed in Judith Butler (I’m starting “Bodies that Matter”) and queer theory in general, and she has no trouble affirming I’m trans. I understand I’m not cis, since I have hardly ever felt or desired to feel “manly”, but part of me still thinks I’m just “not good” at being a man — but that I’m a man nonetheless.
I understand part of my refusal in admitting I could be a transwoman is my wife’s first reaction of saying: “I know you better than you do, and I’m afraid this is the beginning of your transition. And, if it is, I will love you for the rest of my life and we will be friends forever, but I cannot be with you”. That cut me like a knife and I didn’t dress at all for a couple of months. I am scared that it could be the case. But I’m even more scared of taking into consideration anything other than my own feelings.
Thank you so much for the advice; I will sure reach out to you and all the wonderful girls here should I need any help — and I shall. I’m here in the hopes that other folks have asked the questions I’m asking, and found some kind of answer, but thank you again for the reminder that the diagnosis is ultimately between my therapist and me, and any answers others have found do not necessarily apply to me.
Hi G,
you may be surprised at how many of us have gone through this with very similar stories and feelings. I had to LOL at the growing your nails “for guitar” as I did the same for the same reason back in college. Welcome hope to see you around more!
-Lilly
Hi Lilly,
The feeling of community is definitely a big reason why I’m here. This is not a conversation we can have with just anyone, is it? My guy friends would not really understand (except for one), and the two girl friends I told about this are not necessarily able to carry on a conversation on the topic. And why would they? lol They are also 5 and 15 years younger than me, so it’s not as if they could help me a lot with my wife’s perspective, either.
Look at us: “guitar nail” twins! The things we don’t know until we know… Thank you for the kind words! I might not feel like your standard-issue CDH member, but I’m starting to realize there may not be such a thing.
It should be an easier conversation but it does seem to make some people clam up. And you are right, there is no standard issue, and thats ok! Ive only told a couple people and dont feel the need to rush on that. But it is great to hang out here and vent or just chat worry free if need be!
take care ttys! 🙂
Hi,
I think we all, at one time or another felt or feel the way you do. I am somewhat lucky, I didn’t grow up with abusive parents, though when I was ten I was repeatedly sexually abused by my baseball coach, but I never disliked men because of it. I am also lucky that I accept who and what I am. I am a bisexual crossdresser, I don’t identify myself as trans. I enjoy sex with both females and males, one is not better than the other, just different mentally. I am married, and faithful, to my wife. She knows of my sexuality and my crossdressing, and is not real supportive of it, but has moved passed the issues with CDing. You underdress, as I think we all do who aren’t out full time. I own 3 pairs of male underwear my wife bought me “for doctor visits” (he knows). I hardly ever wear them, but I live in a very conservative state and going out dressed would surely be detrimental to my health. I label myself (and yes we all hate labels) as bisexual or sexual when it comes to that aspect of my life, I also happen to be a life long crossdresser. Am I non-binary? I don’t really care one way or the other. I am a live and let live type of gal. Hugs, and don’t stress so much over what to call yourself, just be. Also, you belong and are welcome here. CDH has a transgender sister site too, so you might want to check it out. Hugs!Hi Kristen,
So jealous of how carefree you are! I’m mostly on the neurotic wagon (welp). I guess naming is not as important to some as it is to others, and I do fall in the category where I need to know the size, shape, and name of all of my feelings — despite knowing that’s a fantasy. But you know what, instead of just being jealous, I’m also going to try to learn from you and take this more slowly. It’s been a source of stress lately, despite on the other hand dressing making me feel more confident and even calmer. The feelings around dressing are not necessarily calm.
I loved reading about your journey and how defining your gender takes a backseat in this discussion. You know your sexuality and how you like to present yourself; the rest shouldn’t really matter, should it?
I’m also on TGH! I joined maybe a day or two after rejoining here, and I’ve been trying to understand how to do the “separation of concerns” bit. When I first joined CDH I never felt the need to join TGH because it only felt like a fetish or kink. But the way I feel when I dress made me admit that it’s more than that.
Hello Gigi,
Welcome to our CrossDresser Heaven (CDH) site. So glad you have joined us here. Feel free to explore all that our site has to offer.
The Warmth, Compassion and Hospitality of our community members can be found throughout the site.
Please do make use of the forums and articles or public chat room and friendships offered here on CrossDresser Heaven.
At any Membership level, You can contact any of us via Private Message (PM). You can find that link on each member’s Wall under their Profile picture.
Also, you may find what you need from: The Help Center or our Ambassadors by using the links in the Top R/H Drop Down 3 bar Menu.
Here is a good link to review the membership levels and the privledges for each. Such as Private Chat (PC), Groups, Additional Photo Allowance, etc.
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Regards,
Terri Anne, Ambassador
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Hi G and welcome here it’s for me and lots of sisterhood here therapy and ways to calming our urge to dress, I’m now retired to and I’m less able to dress 👗 and when getting that “urge” gets in my mind to go back to work as been married for now 45 years my wife doesn’t approve CD had caught me several times best times when she would visit her friends she will call me ahead so I would have enough time to undress and take off (almost) my makeup 💄 she would know right there when I still hadn’t able to remove mascara and the lipstick (red) she will have the (talk) and more or less she keeps me in the closet which sometimes I wonder if my nails are better than hers I also play guitar 🎸 which reminds me being on a Latin band mid twenties Halloween club my wife helped me go as a girl got me an open blouse strap it on my waist using a bra and balloons a black skirt and sandals and makeup 💄 my red definitely at the entrance I herd wising getting to the stage nobody on the band recognized me until I grab my guitar that night I was a girl the waiters (all girls) admiring my outfit and getting free drinks from other people wanting me to dance with them as another friend guitar player wanted to jam while I was watching them enjoying my drinks and some how avoiding comensales coming and coming to asking to dance. Till today I don’t know how well I looked like a girl but give some how confidence as my wife help me on my outfit , and reading now and then helps me here to admire all of you that had the way to have the talk to your wife me I have explain why the “urge” yes like when goes away and you stash everything (guitar cases) put them away or donate them and once again we start buying back (now with the W M stores self-service) it’s easier but keep putting more stories which is a therapy and knowing it will keep us coming out more confident again G welcome to CDH and on the meantime happy cross dressing to all Sisterhood.
Auroras Livingfem
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