I need advice. supportive wife but confused

This topic contains 13 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #74060

    Tori Rochester
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    Registered On: November 21, 2017
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    So my wife is awesome, seriously awesome, we met and I told her about my fem side before we even starring dating. She was cool with it. I was clean shaven head to toe. I showed her pictures she was impressed. So fast forward two and half years I have only dressed a handful of times all my hair is back and I have a beard. But I want to start dressing again and I want to shave my beard for a week or so to do so. She seems cool, we actually go to Torrid and try on dresses and bras together, but I can’t find anything. Then ULTA, she helps me find some makeup and we go home. Later thst night I go upstairs and dress a bit and ask if she wants to see even though i haven’t shaved my face or body. She sees me, criticised my style and said I look ridiculous with a polka dot head band in my boy hair with a beard. So after this she seems really hurt by my actions and is having a really hard time with the thought of me dressing now. She has always let me use her dresses, but now she seems weired out by the whole idea. What do I do now. If I push it I fear she will continue to have issue with it, but I really need this too.

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  • #96619
     Anonymous
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    Your marriage needs to come first in any decision. I never want to damage mine. My wife tells me what I can and can’t do. The key is what is she getting out of it? Hotter sex? I do things as Josie that I would not normally do. Also, clean, cook…give her reasons to let your fem side show. Again, communication is #1. Don’t force or expect acceptance….ask first.

    #94326
     Olivia 
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    it sounds like she might just have a problem with your look. but before you do a single thing, talk with her about it and find out what the problem is specifically.

    Caelynn

    #80543
     Patty Phose 
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    I dressed for my wife soon after we met. She was amazed at how pretty and sexy I was and she liked it. We would go shopping together helping pick out each others clothes. I wasn’t always happy with what she chose for me (usually because I didn’t think it was short enough…lol) but I wore it.

    I suggest you change your look to what she likes.

    #80487
     Lucinda Hawkns 
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    Hello Miranda , sorry if I spelled it wrong, my wife knows and let’s me dress up only when 2 adult kids are not home.  Today was the day daughter at work 20 year old son at a scout meeting, I was all dressed up and all I had to do it put on lip stick and be me for a few hours, wife told me she would call to let me know she is on her way home so I can either under dress or take all my female cloths off and wash my face and put on male cloths in which I can’t stand. Phone rings and it’s my niece she is stopping by to drop off her daughter for the night so she can be with us for the night before they go back to Tennessee,  there went my plains on playing dress up,  I had my niece dress me up 1 year for holloween but not sure if she knows I x dress so I am not taking that chance plus with her daughter coming over that’s would not be good to see her uncle dressed up , or should I say great uncle for my nices I am her uncle to her.   Oh well next time . But for your wife to let you dress up and she buys you make up and dresses then change her mind ,

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    #80448
     Mirandah Landrum 
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    Hi Tori. We have similar situations. I will try to keep this short. I get to dress on Friday nights, and stay en femme until Saturday night. If I have to work on Saturday, I will be the guy people know me to be, and change when I get back home. Kind of trying to get the time I would normally have. My wife is supportive, intermitently. Sometimes she will by me some makeup or clothes and not bat an eye. Other times I will mention wanting some shoes, or I will pick up some eye liner or something and she will react like I just committed the unforgivable against her. She will tell me that I am hotter than she in one breath, then the next time she is mad about me being femme, I am a slutty looking barfly.  We have had many “discussions”  about my dressing and any conflict with social events. They usually end with both of us hurt and angry, and me feeling more rejection. I won’t say that I have been totally innocent in running over my alloted time, but it wasn’t done with malice or intent.

    Last night my wife went to the laundromat and I took advantage of the time and got dressed. I tried to text her and let her know what was going on son as to not catch her off guard. She came home just as I was sitting down after my metamorphosis. The fecal matter forcefully struck the rotating fan blades. Long/short, I haveto decide if I want Mirandah or my marriage. Either choice I make I will miss someone, but, choosing to be me is on top right now.  Anybody have some advice or words for me? Help!

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    #80373
     Lucinda Hawkns 
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    i would go back to shaving all my hair off and then dress up,  don’t look like a man in a dress with a beard, look like a female and dress like one and be passable about it then show her how pretty you can be and see what she thinks

    #80355
     Kira 
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    Registered On: December 27, 2017
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    Tori,

    I am a late responder to this posting, but I believe your situation is an easy fix. While I understand your wife was once in favor of seeing you as Tori, she changed her mind.  That’s allowable. She wants to separate the two identities, my suggestion is you appease her and do so.

    Your therapist is right, stay out of her things and get your own.  Find time for you to spend as Tori away from her and remind her she knew about this part of your identity and it would not leave you like a fad. If she did not know it was not a fad, ask your therapist to provide her reading material. If you give it to her, it may appear you are forcing your truth on her, which you are not but allowed the therapist to be therapeutic.

    As for shaving, it’s what you did early in the relationship and you should go back to doing it. Doing so may help her adjust to the concept of Tori, but you have to do it regularly because it sounds like she began to like the bearded look on you.

    Just my thoughts,

    Kira

    #79170
     Lauren Simpson 
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    And, you are now married, so maybe the novelty of it wasn’t such a big deal early in the relationship. But dressing with the beard is a dissonance. It is for me, and I’m not even married to you! 😀

    #79126
     Lucinda Hawkns 
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    i am a closet x dresser, wife knows of my x dressing, she lets me dress up but only when 2 adult kids are out for the night or for a few hours, i am a cleaned shaved man, body like a female, 28 waist, thin build,i have my own dresses plus my moms that she left me when she passed away, i have nylons, bras, panties, pads, make up, perfume and wig,ear rings. wife knows of all of what i have. but i dont under stand why she will not let me sit and talk like 2 females and ask me how i feel dressed up as a female and notice the difference in me when i am dressed up. i feel more relaxed, stress free, Happy is the most of it. love looking pretty and dressing up, i have not gotten to go out side the door yet, but i did go to a meeting once but i had my male cloths over my female cloths, all i had to do is my make up and perfume and ear rings on in truck when i got to the meeting. i had a hell of a time. the ladies were very friendly. to go to one again i don’t remember the date and time. not to mention the name of the group but i could find it again on line. my help is getting wife to be more supportive and excepting.  any ideas would help. she likes to watch tv about men dressing up on tv shows but for her husband to dress up is a different story. she lets me dress up but will not talk about it. she has seen me all dressed up plenty of times and even when i was putting on a dress and doing my make up. all she tells me is i put on to much perfume.  i would like to share it with her better and sit in same room and talk like 2 females or just sit and watch T.V. together

    #74447
     Tori Rochester 
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    Tuesday she met with her counselor and he was totally understanding of CDs and apparently has meet with several in the past.  All he said to her was that we needed to setup some ground rules and go from there.

    Rule one was her dresses are off limits, which she had said in the past was totally cool, so now I am a little upset, because when I lost 30 pounds I threw out most of my dresses as they we a little too big for me. Now with the new rule I really wish I hadnt gotten rid of them.  Oh well.  Also when I tried to order some bras on Amazon she got upset about that too, stating that I should get my own account for that.. so it seems thats Traci/Tori is going to have to hide more then I ever was up until this point.  at least for the short term.. We will see.

    #74109
     Anonymous
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    Hi Tori,

    As Veronica says, it’s hard to know exactly what advice to give without having more information. There are a couple of things to consider though.

    You stated:

    I told her about my fem side before we even starring dating. She was cool with it. I was clean shaven head to toe. I showed her pictures she was impressed.

    I am assuming that the pictures you showed her were of you en femme. That would have put a particular visual image/memory in her mind.

    Then you go on to say that you’ve only dressed rarely since then. You didn’t mention her so I gather she didn’t see you dressed then, so there was nothing to change the picture in her mind.

    Then:

    I go upstairs and dress a bit and ask if she wants to see even though i haven’t shaved my face or body. She sees me, criticised my style and said I look ridiculous with a polka dot head band in my boy hair with a beard.

    Of course she knew that you’d allowed your body hair and beard to grow again but perhaps she was expecting that you’d shaved before calling her up to see you dressed. I’d imagine what she saw was very different to what she remembered and what she expected.

    Many wives/partners can accept a partner who makes an effort to look feminine but there is something confronting and incongruous about seeing a hairy man with a beard, wearing feminine clothing and makeup. Some people can accept it easily enough, others see it as looking ridiculous. Perhaps that’s why she said that you looked ridiculous, but chose the head band as a point of focus.

    You need to sit down with her and talk about what you want to do, ask why she reacted as she did and come to a form of arrangement that you both can be comfortable with.

    If she seems disturbed by the thought of you crossdressing now perhaps that’s because of the image of you that she now has.

    Talk to her Tori, it’s the only way.

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    #74075
     Terrisa Washbourne 
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    Registered On: October 29, 2017
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    Hey Tori, I’m going through the same thing myself and am exactly where you are now.

    It does sound like there are some deep issues going on for her to lash out like that. I wonder if because you grew out your hair that perhaps she thought you were going to stop. When you proved that you weren’t; she is now upset at this and you have to remember that at the beginning of any relationship there are lies and false acceptance.

    You have to be able to communicate your need. Tell her the truth of your need and how it isn’t a passing phase. When you tell the truth you have to be able to live with the outcome of it.

    There is a SO only chat forum on this site perhaps she also feels trapped because she has no one to really discuss this with. It may help.

    Honesty to your self and honesty to your SO and she needs to be honest to you.  There is no easy way,  but drunken honest communication is a start.

    I wish you all the best.  Hugs – Terrisa

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    #74074
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
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    Hi Tori!  Your situation is not unique, I have heard/talked to people about this very issue before.

    Number one on the hit parade………..do not upset your wife (s/o) any further. I can make suggestions to you but need much more information before I can assess your conundrum. It would seem that she was ok with you clean shaven at first, then you have gotten body hair and a beard and are doing unusual wardrobes after 2 years. People do change but 2 years seems awfully fast. Please do not think that I am criticizing you….I am trying to sort thru basic info you have mentioned. Did you have cross dressing thoughts/ideas before you met your now wife? Did both of you sit down and discuss fetishes, unusual hobbies and what not before you married? It might be and I stress might be that she just doesn’t care for you as a hairy en femme person. Again, this is conjecture on my behalf…..don’t have nearly enough info to base a guess about what has happened. If you wish to give me more info, please send me a e-mail on the “Private” message connection….I will try to help you sort this issue out, if you are willing. It is very difficult to assess a problem without more info.  Let me know what you think.

    Regards………….

    Lady Veronica

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