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I need advice and help please.
I’m one of those super sensitive people who can pick up on what is beneath the surface with people, even if I don’t know them much. It’s like I can feel their energy in my body.
Anyway, I know about my fiance’s cross dressing, and I’m fine with it. We’ve had evenings where we’ve done each other’s makeup, got dressed up together…it’s been fun and playful and it’s definitely brought us closer.
He says he’s never told anyone about it all before, it’s always been a hidden part of his life. It’s felt taboo in the past, because he knew it wouldn’t be accepted, but he’s said it feels much easier with it being out in the open with me now, because I am so accepting. We’ve chatted about how much he’d like it to be a bigger part of his life in the future, and he’s said that it’s certainly a part of his life, but that there are lots of other things that are much more important to him. I absolutely believe this to be true…it feels like the truth.
I realise also that we’re at the start of this journey together, as it’s only been a couple of months since he told me. Although I felt there was something important about him that he wasn’t telling me for almost as long as I’ve known him. I could feel there was something he was keeping hidden from me.
I did hint heavily a few times before I knew for sure, and he kept brushing over it – which became an outright denial (a lie) about it just before he changed his mind and told me. After he told me he apologized for lying, but he said he had been worried about losing me.
Now, I feel there’s something more he’s keeping from me. He’s always seemed very private with his phone. Which is maybe just the way he is? The way some people are? But the other day we were out and I was sitting next to him while he googled something. And just before he started typing, there was a name that he’d googled previously. I went to google it on my phone afterwards it was the name of a transgender man to woman.
I’m finding this kind of secrecy difficult. It’s making me feel a little ill at ease in myself, because I can feel it in my being, and it’s making me feel a little destabilised. I was married to an alhoholic for 15 years, and there’s a lot of denial, secrecy, and manipulation in those kinds of relationships. So I think I might be feeling triggered as well.
My rational guess is that he’s curious and just finding out about the range of human experience that’s out there? But I also wonder, or worry (maybe feel) if maybe he’s attracted to men as women?
I definitely don’t think he’s attracted to men as men. That doesn’t seem to fit with what I’m feeling from him. And I know he absolutely adores me, and loves how feminine I am (I’m a very girly girl), especially when I’m looking extra girly.
I don’t know. This feeling is confusing me.
Does it even make sense? Can anyone shed some light?
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