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  • #398746
    Focus And Sunshine
    Participant
    Registered On: April 2, 2020
    Topics: 6
    Replies: 50
    Has thanked: 60 times
    Been thanked: 169 times

    I need advice and help please.

    I’m one of those super sensitive people who can pick up on what is beneath the surface with people, even if I don’t know them much. It’s like I can feel their energy in my body.

    Anyway, I know about my fiance’s cross dressing, and I’m fine with it. We’ve had evenings where we’ve done each other’s makeup, got dressed up together…it’s been fun and playful and it’s definitely brought us closer.

    He says he’s never told anyone about it all before, it’s always been a hidden part of his life. It’s felt taboo in the past, because he knew it wouldn’t be accepted, but he’s said it feels much easier with it being out in the open with me now, because I am so accepting. We’ve chatted about how much he’d like it to be a bigger part of his life in the future, and he’s said that it’s certainly a part of his life, but that there are lots of other things that are much more important to him. I absolutely believe this to be true…it feels like the truth.

    I realise also that we’re at the start of this journey together, as it’s only been a couple of months since he told me. Although I felt there was something important about him that he wasn’t telling me for almost as long as I’ve known him. I could feel there was something he was keeping hidden from me.

    I did hint heavily a few times before I knew for sure, and he kept brushing over it – which became an outright denial (a lie) about it just before he changed his mind and told me. After he told me he apologized for lying, but he said he had been worried about losing me.

    Now, I feel there’s something more he’s keeping from me. He’s always seemed very private with his phone. Which is maybe just the way he is? The way some people are? But the other day we were out and I was sitting next to him while he googled something. And just before he started typing, there was a name that he’d googled previously. I went to google it on my phone afterwards it was the name of a transgender man to woman.

    I’m finding this kind of secrecy difficult. It’s making me feel a little ill at ease in myself, because I can feel it in my being, and it’s making me feel a little destabilised. I was married to an alhoholic for 15 years, and there’s a lot of denial, secrecy, and manipulation in those kinds of relationships. So I think I might be feeling triggered as well.

    My rational guess is that he’s curious and just finding out about the range of human experience that’s out there? But I also wonder, or worry (maybe feel) if maybe he’s attracted to men as women?

    I definitely don’t think he’s attracted to men as men. That doesn’t seem to fit with what I’m feeling from him. And I know he absolutely adores me, and loves how feminine I am (I’m a very girly girl), especially when I’m looking extra girly.

    I don’t know. This feeling is confusing me.

    Does it even make sense? Can anyone shed some light?

Viewing 11 reply threads
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    • #417318
      Lucinda Hawkns
      Lady
      Registered On: September 1, 2015
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 1326
      Has thanked: 79 times
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      hello  Focus and Sunshine,  i see you have had a lot of people try to help you out with your situation,   its hard for a x dresser to come out to family of GF or friends that he is a x dresser.   i am a x dresser also and wife knows now for she seen a pic of me dressed up. now i don’t hide it from her, she tells me when i can dress up for we have a 23 year old son still at home.  my wife seen me getting dressed up and seen me dressed up but will not help with make up or let me sit in same room as her.    he is lucky to have you and dress up together and he feels comfortable.  maybe he has a web site x dressing friend to talk to that some times its hard for him to tell you and he can tell another x dresser.  i have this site for years and have found peace with my self as a x dresser and that is thanks to C.D.H.  i have lot of girls { ladies } here as friends to chat with and they help me with my x dressing.    take it slow and talk about x dressing and x dresser friends,  we are not looking for a date with other x dressers we are looking for friends that under stand us and we can chat about it and not get called names or get dis owned by family or friends.     if you know the site he is on then go and see who he is chatting with , use your own cell phone or tablet and look around the site, it might help you more under stand him better.  its not like i am saying spy on him or something like that. but you know the site he is on for you are here already asking for help.    you are not alone either. hope the best to you both. I don’t get to share my x dressing i have to do it in doors and not out doors and when no other child is home. family members do not know of my x dressing,  ah maybe my niece does for i had her dress me up for Halloween 1 year,  my daughter knows for she seen a pic of me dressed up and showed mom the pic and my daughter said to mom its his body not hers.  but i dont dress up when my kids are around, now that 2 of them are out of the house, have 1 left, so its hard for me to dress up. i feel that i need to dress up and look pretty for it helps with my panic attacks and depression.   plus clothing fits better and feels better, not to mention we look pretty dressed up. real woman don’t wear dresses or skirts now days they wear pants and shirt so what the big deal with us wearing female clothing.  well have a nice day and hope all things will work out for you both

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    • #417311
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 170
      Has thanked: 151 times
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      Once again, it’s that danger of snooping, we *never* understand the connotations regardless of how close we are to each other, we adopt a position of assumption. In this case you’re (probably wrong) assumption of being ‘gay’ It’s an all-too-easy pitfall, with the lifestyle we have, it seems it goes hand-in-hand with being so, unfortunately, it’s not as black-and-white as that. It can’t be pigeon-holed, categorized, or even clearly explained. Most of the time, we really have no clear explanation as to why we like it so much…

      I’d say on this occasion, it’s purely research. Probably finding out how this person deals with certain aspects, maybe admires in some way the style or ‘look’ of the person in question, not at all a ‘sexual’ attraction either, necessarily.

      It’s best left alone, if things are good, why stir the pot by projecting your own insecurities?

      It can be tough to hear a direct answer, I know but sometimes it must be said.

      I wish you well.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401555
      Focus And Sunshine
      Baroness
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 50
      Has thanked: 60 times
      Been thanked: 169 times

      Oh, I wish I had read your follow on post first.

      It’s OK.

      He’s made some decisions of his own accord. And he’s taken a few actions towards those decisions of his own accord as well.

      I have said that I feel safest to be on the sidelines, observing, for now.

      I felt straight away, on Tuesday, that for me, the door into that room is firmly shut now.

      And it’s me that has shut it and wants to keep it shut.

      I’ve had as much of a think as I can have in not even a week. I need more time to see how my feelings develop, but I have told him that I want to be the woman in the relationship – the only woman in the relationship.

      And I’m not looking for a man who gets off on the fantasy aspect of women’s clothes. Either by him wearing them, or seeing me trussed up in them.

      If we are starting from ground zero, then this is where we are starting from.

      These are the consequences of cheating and getting carried away with the fantasies in one’s head.

      That’s as much as I can cope with. At the moment.

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #401501
      JeanieM
      Lady
      Registered On: October 31, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 10
      Has thanked: 38 times
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      Oh, I wish I had read your follow on post first.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #401491
      JeanieM
      Lady
      Registered On: October 31, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 10
      Has thanked: 38 times
      Been thanked: 42 times

      Dear Focus and Sunshine,

      I can appreciate your fiance’s fear. As you’ve read from all of the replies above, we have all expereinced this. Your partner is very lucky to have you. I also have a partner who is supportive, and even so, its not easy.

      Here is my suggestion, based on my experience, and from what you have written. I believe Andrea is right, you must confront him, but in a loving and kind way. What I would suggest is tell him that you suspect he is keeping secrets from you, and that is not a good way to start a marriage. You seem to be accepting, so suggest you explore this toegther, but only if he is honest with you. Let him know it may cause you some concern, and you will in return be honest with him, and will work it out together. Honest is the key. Make him feel safe.

      Plan a special night, soft lights, or whatever will make him comfortable, his favorite meal. Layout the clothes you know he likes. Take it slow, and I’d suggest you’d don’t broach his sexuality at first. Invite him to this site for instance, and read the posts and look at the photos of the girls. Ask him what he likes, tell him what you like and find alluring. If he says something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him but suggest that you’d like to discuss it more laster, to try to understand. Make him feel safe, not silly.

      Go slow.

      Without knowing more, this is my best advice.

      Good luck, I hope it works out.

      xxx Jeanie

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    • #399223
      Focus And Sunshine
      Baroness
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 50
      Has thanked: 60 times
      Been thanked: 169 times

      Trying to take all this in.

      Sorry, I should have said this isn’t a ‘friend’ or anyone he knows. It’s someone who has been in the newspapers because he was a man and is now a woman and wants to be a model.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #399051
      Araminta Purdy
      Duchess
      Registered On: January 23, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 369
      Has thanked: 658 times
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      The only things I can think of at the moment are:

      Yes, your concerns make sense.

      No, you are not crazy. Nor is your situation particularly unusual.

      Try to be open without being too pressuring and invite conversation.

      Try to figure out what you want and need.

      Anything more at this time would be speculative. Probably your biggest fears are security (i.e., security in your relationship but in other stuff as well) so this question becomes how do you resolve those fears?

      Araminta.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #399038
      Bettylou Cox
      Duchess
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 21
      Replies: 2329
      Has thanked: 4792 times
      Been thanked: 8677 times

      Hi, Ms Sunshine,

      I’m sorry to read that you are having new problems with your guy.  Secrets between spouses are bad, and you are right to be upset about this.  My best guess is that he may be attracted to another CD in her femme persona, and is trying to figure out how to deal with it.  If it were me having these feelings, I would be upset, worried – and secretive – and probably wondering whether I might be gay.  You two really need to have a talk about this, but try to push without being confrontational.  He is probably as confused as you are, right now.

      And for the record:  I have had strong feeling for other women, GGs, during my 56 years of marriage;  couldn’t help the feelings, but I could help what I did about them, which was nothing.  They did cause a bump in our marriage relationship, but we survived.  Here’s hoping the same for you.

      Hugs,

      Bettylou

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #399033
      Robyn Devine
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 24, 2020
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 610
      Has thanked: 1920 times
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      As its been said, only he has the answers.  No that he doesn’t trust you, but trust is a huge deal.  Despite all of what he’s told you, he may not be ready to share about this person or why.  Keep being supportive and a soft place to fall for him.  Any woman knows the same thing, if you come at him accusatory or negative, he’ll clam up and you’ll never know.  Not to mention all the years/decades of hiding can take a long time to “de-program” from our brains.

      Robyn

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #399029
      ANDREA RAVEN
      Lady
      Registered On: December 21, 2017
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 328
      Has thanked: 45 times
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      Hi Focus and Shine, this is a difficult one, the only real way you will find out is to confront him. But that may just make him clam up and refuse to talk about it at all. So what are the options, well firstly take a deep breath and step back for a moment, try to look at this calmly as you can. Firstly he may just be curious and nothing more than that, he may have befriended this person, (I have a number of crossdressing friends) perhaps for support and just friendship. But you have to consider he may be attracted to crossdressers, in my experience this is not uncommon although many will not admit to it. I’m guessing your feminine intuition is telling you it’s more than just a friend, well it might be. As I say a crossdressers often find other crossdressers attractive, it might be a case of like attracts like, or a kindred sprit. None of this means he will actually take it any further than just being curious. Sadly I can’t give you an answer, the only person that can really do that is your partner and talking about it is the only way through this. You could try talking about his crossdressing and then ask about friends, or perhaps suggest it might be good to meet other like minded souls, but be careful you don’t want to let him think you are giving him approval to get involved with someone. Or you could just ask him outright if he finds crossdressers attractive, he may not give you the answer you want, but you need to know the truth………

      Sorry I can’t be more positive, but if you want to chat about do feel free to PM me…….

    • #398899
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 41
      Replies: 1113
      Has thanked: 315 times
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      There is no way to know what exactly is going on with your fiance. The good news is he told you before marriage which many (most?) do not.  In my opinion the tricky part,marriage wise,  is not where we are with our cross dressing now but where we will be in the future and of course there is no way to answer that question.  My advice to is decide what is the worst case and can you live with it. As an example: If your SO someday feels they want to transition and live full time as a woman complete with hormones and surgery could you still love her and want to be with her? That’s rare but it does happen.  Good luck.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #398833
      Carolyne Sherman
      Duchess
      Registered On: February 20, 2018
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 419
      Has thanked: 253 times
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      Dear Focus and Sunshine, welcome to being involved with a cross dresser. I am sorry to say that most of us have had to hide ourselves from not only others, but ourselves. I am fortunate to have a wifey that has stuck with me and taught me how to be honest with not only her, but myself as well. Many of us have built a defense mechanism that entails lying to ourselves and denying to ourselves about many aspects of our own personalities, desires and needs. This lying or deceitful trait becomes so ingrained to protect us from the scorn and ridicule from others that many times we lie without need or want out of habit, ie; hows the weather (when its snowing and -20 with 40mph wind), great, a little brisk. I used to find myself hiding things that didn’t matter just because it was “easier” than telling the truth. This caused more problems than the actual dressing and took many years to correct. It also took me becoming mature enough to accept myself and not worry about what others thought. If you are in it for the long haul then be prepared to be patient and help bring your SO out of their shell through talking and supporting them. This may sound easy or even silly, but sometimes pushing for the truth and honesty can make them feel backed into a corner and cause more denial. I found that when we talked openly about little stuff after the conversation had UNINTERRUPTED time to develop the bigger issues would start to come out and allow me to be open and honest. Remind yourself from time to time that your SO has had to hide this and not slip up and out themself for many years and if you think a wild animal has a great self defense mechanism they have nothing on a closeted cross dresser. Be patient, open and keep the conversation light and easy and it will blossom into a deeper more open dialogue. Direct questions do feel like an interrogation and can force us to put up walls. I wish you the best as it seems you genuinely want to communicate and care. Also remind yourself what they are “hiding” may be as simple as wanting to see what other cd’s look like. The other extreme may be they know they are more tg than cd and just not ready to admit to themselves yet. Move slow and be patient and understanding, which you indicated you are. Good luck!  If you have any questions I will try to answer openly and without deception so feel free to pm if you think I could help.
      🍷C

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