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Ladies,
I’ve been learning so much about crossdressing and it has been a tremendous help in understanding my husband (Michayla Rockwell) and I am so grateful for that.One thing I want to understand better is the need for a non-transitioning CD to dress in the first place. Everyone has their reasons and I respect that. I am curious about the typical cycle of buying and purging and the need that many of you talk about. Many say that they can’t give it up and have tried. If you can’t give it up does that mean it is a compulsion, an obsession, an addiction?
Usually when someone does something that upsets their spouse or loved ones, they stop that activity or behavior. Crossdressing is obviously not easy to give up. If it was that simple then there wouldn’t be nearly as many CD.
I have two questions:
1-Could you permanently give up all crossdressing if you had to because [insert serious and compelling reason here]?
2-What do you feel is the driving force that makes giving it up so difficult? I know you all “need” to do it but what drives that need? Obsession, compulsion, addiction, sexual release?
PS-I am not in any way suggesting that anyone should stop CD or that it is wrong in any way. I’m genuinely curious about it and thought I should ask all of you lovely ladies who know best.
Thanks,
Betty 💋I don’t think it is an addiction, although some may dispute that one…lol. It can be a compulsion or obsession for some. To answer your questions, 1. could I give it up, never! 2. I guess I have always loved the look, feel and wearing the lingerie and in the past years being fully dressed. It is a way to get out of the standard male side and relax and enjoy the softer things in life. For me is has always been a sexual excitement and turn on, like frosting on the cake.
Good question as to why it is so en-grained in us that we cannot just give it up. I appreciate your questions you have been asking and glad to see you are trying to educate yourself and try to understand it better for yourself and your partner. Kudos to you!
Leah
This is a very interesting question and let me qualify that I am a quitter. I quit drinking and drinking 19 and 15 years ago respectively.
I have made several quite serious attempts to quit crossdressing and at this moment I’m wearing a bra and panties under my work uniform.
I consider crossdressing to be a compulsion. I have no reason to crossdress and I am unable to quit.
For now I’m rolling with it!!
Thanks for your contributions to the CDH forums!!
Caroline❤️
so if you ask me if i could give it up my answer would be, Maybe, because i have at times, sometimes for decades but, after days, weeks, months, or years when i start again does that mean i ever really gave it up?
so no, it has been a lifelong desire or “whatever you want to call it” that i have at times not been active in but i still felt the desire to… i have purged before because of the embarrassment of someone finding out my secret, but once i decided to own and embrace the secret i found that it no longer owns me and i’m really not that concerned what others think. if i think i want to wear panties, stockings, and a garter under my jeans who does it affect? especially if i’m not being promiscuous… no one knows but me.
Hi Betty, You will get almost as many different answers as there are members, I fear (giggle). For some of us, it isn’t “just” a compulsion that enough prayer, guts, aversion therapy – pick your poison – will cause to abate.
I’m in the minority on this site (compared to Transgender Heaven, i suppose), in that I have fully-developed gender identity disorder. I have managed to function as a genetic male all these years, but a day hasn’t gone by in over 6 decades that I knew I have a woman’s brain and thought processes. I cannot keep the two halves of me “split” anymore and I am taking hormones in order to transition (at least socially) MTF full-time at the start of 2023.
Many crossdressers probably disagree with me on this, but my opinion is we all fall on the “gender spectrum” somewhere towards the female side more than typical genetic males. There is a distinction between gender identity and gender presentation that separates us, though. I have a female gender identity that has been suppressed my whole life. I have crossdressed off and on as a means of hidden (before now) feminine gender expression, but the gender ID is always there. It’s like being born left-handed and growing up doing everything right-handed. That doesn’t stop you from knowing you are left-handed, any more than doing everything as a man stops you from knowing you are a woman inside, regardless of having male genitalia.
For people like me, being told we could never express the feminine side of ourselves is like a life sentence in solitary confinement with no hope of parole. Most CDs that are not going further in their “transition” can balance things better than I, but it is impossible to totally purge the feelings, even if you purge the clothes and accessories.
Good question! Very thought-provoking!!
Hugs,
Brie
I really like that right hand left hand analogy! I’ll have to remember it for the next person who asks me this question 🙂
I’ve got to be truthful, I got it from somewhere else (Maybe Cindi Grace?). But I like it so well I’m taking it! I also heard one about vision – you have terrible vision your whole life, but no one will accept you getting glasses or contacts. When you finally have had enough and get the glasses, it’s like the whole world is fresh and new. That sums up my feelings since I came out.
Hugs,
Brie
1-Could you permanently give up all crossdressing if you had to because [my wife found out and could not accept it any form]?
Yes, I think I could because our relationship and family we have built together is more important to me than this portion of myself. It would be a sacrifice as I do care and appreciate this part of me which is why I protect it so intensely.
2-What do you feel is the driving force that makes giving it up so difficult? I know you all “need” to do it but what drives that need? Obsession, compulsion, addiction, sexual release?
It is a part of who I am a component of my personality/being. Imagine a hobby that you might have that intertwines into many facets of your life. Could you turn that off and walk away from it? I have friends who are avid recreational golfers. They talk about it and play it all the time – I couldn’t imagine any of them walking away from it easily. For some of them I think they would end their marriages if their wife forced them to quit! For me CDing gives me joy and an outlet to escape to when I am free to indulge in it. I just wish my circumstances didn’t require me to hide it so deeply.
Michayla offered to throw everything away when I was upset after finding out but I had already read enough books about gender and transgender journeys to know that it wouldn’t do any good. Michayla has some very expensive things and I knew she would want them and replace them. I was more upset over other aspects than the dressing anyway. It was a heartfelt offer though.
Maybe I should do a pole on how much everyone has spent on breast forms🤔
Hi Betty, let me put it this way, you love chocolate ice cream but you are given 10 million dollars to not eat it again. I’m sure you could and it would probably be worth it too but would you be happy about it? denying yourself what you really want all the while choking down that vanilla cone, pretending you like it. Hoping no one figures out you would really want a chocolate one, Because if they knew you fear you will lose family, friends your standing in the community, carry that around for 20 or 30 years and trust me you will be first in line at the bank returning the money. Next stop the ice cream shop for a chocolate shake!
(ps substitute any thing you love that doesn’t hurt anyone for chocolate ice cream)
I love this! Perhaps I’ve been over thinking this? I love pizza, like LOOOOOVE it. I’m not addicted to it but I love it. I could give it up for life if I had to but life would certainly be less fulfilling and I would think and dream about my beloved pizza.
Thanks,
Betty
Thanks for your post Betty.
Speaking for myself, it’s just something I love, and is an integral part of me.
Why are we all different? Why do some have a passion for music, or science, or horticulture, or antiques, or climbing mountains, or sports, or fashion?On a deeper level I think we are all on a masculine feminine spectrum psychologically. I’m talking quite apart from the obvious physical differences that separate male and female. I think of it as a line with masculine at one end and feminine at the other and all humans are somewhere on that line when we are born. From birth we are encouraged, cajoled, pushed to the end of the spectrum that matches our physical make up. And for a lot of men that is not where they naturally are deep down. And at some point usually later in life we ‘choose’ to put ourselves where WE want to be on that line. I feel this causes a backlash where we splurge on our feminine side, to indulge in all that we have missed out on by being made to be ‘masculine’. This splurge includes the gorgeous clothing our feminine side wants to try, along with make up, heels, bubble baths and scented candles and nail polish and skincare and soft furnishings, things we are indoctrinated from birth that ‘real men’ just don’t do, and if you do you ‘MUST’ be gay, or in denial, a hypothesis pushed by TV, Film, media, the school playground, for ever. Fighting against such stereotypical labelling in soooooo hard, but it’s us!
Like asking why you love what you love? You are you, unique, and hopefully able to indulge what is in your heart, and not what you are expected by society to love.And yes for many, there is a sexual element. Being attracted to women we naturally get a bit turned on by overtly feminine attire. After a while for me it just turned into a good feeling to put on something I thought I looked and felt good in. I wore a full length rose gold sequin gown to last Christmas night out. Did I do it for sexual gratification? No I thought I looked good in it, and the silky inner lining felt so good. Did I wear the lingerie for sexual gratification, no I felt it gave me a nicer silhouette to lay the dress over. Did I wear it to try to get laid? No I just wanted to be with friends all dressed up looking and feeling fabulous and having a good time. I know a female stranger won’t find me attractive in a dress, and I’m totally fine with that.
Is feeling this way consistent with being on the transgender spectrum? Loving all things feminine, being more comfortable in a dress, loving this side of me more than my drab male side. Wanting to be Bianca as it makes me feel like I’ve been a chrysalis all my life only to become this butterfly after so many years. Being myself even though I know it will turn most women off from wanting to start a relationship me.
Sorry went a bit off topic.To answer your first question, yes I could give it up. I would be miserable and my life would be…less, but many of us have to do what we don’t want to do for whatever reason.
A line from an old song goes ‘if I hadn’t known such riches I could live with being poor’.
B x
That is a great quote! I’ve never heard that before, thank you 😊
Hi Betty. Why do I do it? The short answer is I don’t really know. I do know that I’ve had the temptation to cross dress since my teens but apart from a few odd occasions I never gave in to the urge, and it was never a constant thing anyway. It’s possible my drinking was a substitute for this, I find that since I began dressing last December that I barely drink at all now, and only then if I spend a few days wearing drab. So if wearing dresses is an addiction then I’m finding it somewhat healthier than the alternative.
Could I quit? If I met the love of my life and she was against my dressing I would like to think I could, but as a lifelong loner of 54 I think there would be more serious problems to overcome – I spend far too much time in my own head for a start. The last two years especially.
And anyway, at the moment, I’m having a lot of fun creating Amy. Thanks for your post.
Hi Betty as Stephanie was born in the wrong body she grew up from a young age with help from mom so no she cant go away she lives within me as a part of me .. To me there is no compulsion just life as a girl .. When finding my life partner and wife of 39 years now she knew right away about Stephanie and supported her with in her limits and grew into loving her as well as hubby as equils .. As such she knows when just sh– happens and Stephanie cant be here for a bit wife know how much it affects her and hubby both then its a compromise to which wife makes the time for Stephanie to be there and makes her life as well as Stephanies and hubbys level out so the pink fog is a real part of me and will never go away just my opinion as a girl at heart..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Betty. The only reason I would give up CD is for my family my 2 girls are like whatever and my son doesn’t want to see or talk about it. If all hated it I probably could give it up or at least put Cassie back in the closet.
As for why?? I did a little CD off and on for 50 years, doing major purges at least twice. About 3 years ago the desire to dress came back So strong. At the begining there was a strong sexual part of this. Soon I moved into want to dress more and more then stepped up to going out more and more. For me each step I take is not enough. I soon to have my hair colored for the 3rd time ( I hate all that gray hair) and have had my nails colored almost 6 months.Great questions Betty
1- I could give it up if I thought it would put me in some kind of physical danger. Mostly, I worry about social ostracization so I keep it on the down low.
2- It’s hard to give it up because it’s fun. For me it’s like making music, I love it but I’m not a great musician. I keep playing but I keep it to myself.
As part of the non-transitioning CD club, I just don’t think it’s fair that I have one life and am expected to pick one genders fashion or the other. It’s certainly easier to commit to dressing up femme part-time than to transition half heartedly.
I think I mostly purged because I grew up male and attended high school. Other people can be unnecessarily ruthless if they don’t like your fashion. For example, I switched to short hair in 8th grade because it was easier than dealing with constant gay slurs (oddly ,at the time, I grew my hair out because I loved metal and classic rock). Canada may be progressive as a country, but a lot of the people living here aren’t. I purged because of the shame of not living up to other peoples’ lifestyle expectations. I only stopped purging when I chose to live to my own lifestyle goals.
I like to reflect often on the fact that “cross dressing” is only a used term because it’s expected that men shouldn’t wear femme fashion. My wife wears my masc clothes if she forgot to do her laundry, but it would be unusual to refer to her as a cross dresser. If it was unanimously acceptable for men to dress femme, it would no longer be considered cross dressing.
**I wore a kimono at an inn in Japan, and the only odd thing was the locals seeing a foreigner embracing the local culture. Still felt pretty femme to me but it was just a tuesday evening to the locals.
In between a loveless marriage and a new found loving and caring relationship of now over 20 years, I did “give it up” for about 5-6 years.
Like a “junkie” who had gone “clean”.
But inevitably, like most of us in this situation “it all came back”. Resulting in a femme wardrobe and “femme activities”, (now post Covid) “up there with the best of them”.
Catherine Louise Ryan has been a part of me for at least 40 years and always will be until I go to that “big makeover in the sky”
Caty.
PS A “good Catholic girl” if ever there was one.. except I’m not….
I’m a good Catholic girl but I’m being very pragmatic this winter… living the van lifestyle makes it much harder to be truly femme. One’s reduced to ‘outdoorsy apparel… and various other factors has decided me to a moratorium on being en femme…
poor Polly 😢
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I was married for 15 years and didn’t crossdress during that time. Was that giving it up…not really it was always on my mind and I so wanted to but didn’t. I have loved women’s clothing since I was a little boy and that hasn’t changed since my mom bought me my first pair of little girl nylon panties. Now if I had to could I suppress it for a time, yes but it would still be strong in me and would eventually come out once again so I have realized it is a part of me as much as anything in my life.
When I look at my life now I rarely see a day where I am dressing completely in guy mode. I own no male underwear, one suit (for funerals), one pair of male jeans and a few shirts. Other than that all my clothing is women’s. Even when I’m not completely Sandy I wear women’s clothing. For example, my daughter flew in this week for a visit between graduate school semesters. She is staying with me half the week so we went to the nail salon and both of us had a manicure and pedicure. I wore women’s shorts, white women’s polo shirt and women animal print slip on shoes. I had in cz stud earrings and gold anklet and had on light foundation and clear lip gloss and of course my legs were nicely shaven. I did my nails and toes with French tips and had them put extension tips on my fingernails. When we finished my daughter told me she liked how my nails looked and how glad she was that I’m taking care of myself. I think being happy with who I am helps me mentally and physically and it outwardly shows and being Sandy brings that out in me.
I just don’t think I can ever give it up and enjoy going out either fluid gender or completely as Sandy. Either way I have found what makes me happy and I get to enjoy what I want and love to wear. But I do know I do not enjoy wearing traditional all male clothing.
Sandy
I think anyone can quit if they really wanted to , problem is it’s like alcohol once an alcoholic always an alcoholic , the difference is alcohol will kill you and crossdrssing wont at least I dont think it will
Each journey is unique.
Speaking from personal experience, suppressing the urge to cross dress can lead to alcoholism. The girl inside is screaming to get out and express herself. She is part and parcel of my personality. I attempted to drown her out for too many years with alcohol, and it eventually led to alcoholism.
In my early years, I cross dressed freely and had no desire to drink. It was only in later years, when I believed it was time to “quit” cross dressing and purge that my alcohol problems started.
I am sober now for decades and cross dressing as I wish.
IMHO, if one is a true CD, then you cannot just quit or walk away from it and not expect psychological consequences.
Free to be me!
Peggy Sue
I couldn’t “give up” crossdressing. Alaina is a part of my life at this point. She is a way for me to cope with my PTSD from my time in the military and when I get all dolled up my male self problems just go away because I can be someone else for that time. Luckily I have a wife that is accepting and encouraging 🙂
~Alaina “Lexi” Lexington~
1. I could if I absolutely had to, would I be happy, no not in the least.
2. Why, it feels correct.
https://kirrinfinch.com/blogs/news/history-of-women-wearing-mens-clothing
I see some men trying to do what women did last century, wear what they feel like wearing, we are in the midst of changes, there are groups that want the status quo to stay the same and other that push the limits of change. We see the sporting world trying to fit these changes into their existing framework, you see it in his/hers bathrooms. We see governments trying to legislate, depending on their lean, for and against the status quo.
Its a binary world and humans are too complex to be simply binary.
Ah the eternal question(s) right? I guess the only way I would (attempt) to give it up is if my wife gave me the ultimatum of her or dressing. This is hypothetical as she would not do that at this point. I know some of this can sound similar to someone struggling with a substance addiction, but after a period of success I think I would probably revert to secrecy/hiding things at some point if that were to happen. Interestingly enough I’ve found over the years that the more I try to suppress it, the stronger the urge. Likely a forbidden fruit type of thing. I embrace the pink fog when it descends on me these days and I could theorize that ,again speaking for myself only, embracing it may contribute somewhat to diminishing the frequency of the compulsion, but I can’t say that with certainty.
I’ve purged a few times over the years, but I don’t anymore. Too much money spent to redo everything. By and large when I used to purge it it was the overwhelming feeling of shame, embarrassment, and fear of getting caught that caused it. Those feelings used to be just as strong as the urge to dress on the first place.So for me, I would use the term compulsion to describe it. However when the compulsion is strongest, it really can turn into an obsession and it’s all I think about. Sometimes I just want to feel (notice I don’t say look, lol) pretty. When I’m fully dressed it feels comforting, familiar, similar to sitting around with an old friend you haven’t seen in ages, but you can pick up right where you left off type of thing. There are so many clothing options and combinations of styles and colors that we don’t have. The sensation of wearing them are something we as men don’t get to feel often if ever. Diving into my feminine side gives me feelings that can be foreign a little bit. Smooth legs, different fabrics then what we usually wear, a dress or skirt swishing over my knees/thighs, the feeling or even sound that a closed toe pump makes when I slip it onto a nylon covered foot, having to walk with smaller steps with a slight sway in the hips with heels on. All of this and I’m sure other things I’m not thinking of are very compelling for me, and I can be obsessed with getting those feelings and sensations. Almost like the daily doldrums of life need a little kick in the pant(ie)s to experience something different every once in a while. Gives me a feeling of being alive. I guess some people climb mountains or sky dive or whatever to feel alive, I wear womens cloths once in a while, lol.
Betty,
Thank you so much for this question. In my experience, and acquaintance with others, it one that figures heavily in our lives, and I think especially for whom there is limited to no opportunity to express themselves.
Question 1. My answer is probably inappropriate, since I consider myself to be transgender and I am wearing clothing that validates my gender identity, and have felt I was not really male, or didn’t want to be for over 65 years. I spent most of my career, working in masculine jobs, volunteered for combat in the military, all with great success, while hoping to convince myself I could be whatever it was society suggested was appropriate. So there were long interruptions in my “Crossdressing” but only temporary, and I was an expert at hiding my activities. So, I don’t consider myself to be “Crossdressing, and I could only give up presenting as a woman permanently for serious health reasons. I experienced a divorce and loss of several otherwise good relationships because of my gender identity, as these were easier sacrifices than giving up who I am.
Question 2. My driving force is not so much my clothing, but about what I seen when I look in a mirror. But, in a larger social context, I want to be seen, perceived as a woman. Fortunately, I have my own hair, and can get away with very little makeup, so in general that is enough for me, and it is how I live my life. I do not have any sexual arousal about presenting as who I perceive myself to be, and I dress like most other women my age, appropriate to my current social environment. I dress up somewhat for church, but when working in my garden, my gloves are my fashion statement, as well as protecting my manicure.Carla
Though I haven’t really been at this as long as most of the lovely girls here, I really feel I could not stop if I had to for any reason. The feelings/ urges are just too strong. I would also see all those dollar signs going into the trash, as well as all my pretty things if I tried to purge.
I can’t say for sure what the drive is for this need, other than for me, that girl inside seems to be getting stronger as I’m getting older.
Though there is a sexual excitement for me, that is a very small part of it. I suppose the best answer right now would be it makes me feel more complete. I feel very calm, and relaxed, when I dress, and most often find it feels intoxicating as well. Oh, that beautiful pink fog!Thanks for this introspection! I hope it was helpful for you too…
💕Lara
Hi Betty, good topic. In my case I can’t see myself ever giving it up, no idea what hypothetical scenario or situation could come up that would force my hand to possibly give it up. In my case it wouldn’t be because of a SO, I have a boyfriend who is incredibly accepting, supportive and encouraging of my dressing. It would have to be a case where I just lose interest for some reason and I can’t see that happening. As for the 2nd question, I’m not sure if I would describe it as an obsession, compulsion or addiction, but it is definitely sexual for me. I wear romantic lingerie to bed and there’s something incredibly relaxing, thrilling and sensual about taking a hot shower or bubble bath and slipping into gorgeous lingerie for bedtime, especially knowing my boyfriend is waiting for me in bed. Such an adrenaline rush. The pink fog is incredible strong for me and I love every minute of it. Sometimes I just stare at my lingerie wardrobe to admire the collection I’ve built up and everything I have to pick from to wear. It’s heaven.
Like many, I have had to give it up at different times under different circumstances. And I’m sure I could do it again.
But… it is likely that there would be a price to pay.
Since there are many different reasons why people crossdresses, that price would likely be related to that reason.
Many do it to escape stress… and not having it may result in no escape valve, leading into what? Health issues?
For many is is a sexual thing. And they could end up finding a substitute. An affair? Porn addiction? Who knows!Anyway, while addictions are defined as a physiological dependency to a chemical, some behaviors cause the human body to release compounds (sorry, can’t think of the right word) which affect our mood, thus causing a need/dependency.
I don’t need it to “embrace my feminine side”, as I don’t have a feminine side or a masculine side by all means. I am me, all the time. So, while I don’t need to dress to be who I am… stopping would make me quite unhappy.
Hi Betty,
Some of my earliest memories from around age 3 or 4 are admiring and wanting to wear my cousins clothes. She was a little older than me and we were both watched by my grandmother while our parents worked. If I had an accident, my grandmother would put me in a pair of her panties since she didn’t have a spare pair of underpants for me and it was a form of punishment but I loved wearing them. So, is it a need? I don’t think so but I my brain is definitely wired to want to wear feminine clothing.
I have been married a very long time and my wife understands this is important to me but does not want to see me dressed so for many years I have only dressed when alone in the house. This was enough for me until around 2 years ago. My wife has been ill since then and I am her caretaker. In this situation, I am never alone and never get the chance to dress. I got more and more anxious over time and constantly fantasied about dressing to where it seemed like all I could think about. I finally talked to my wife about what was going on with me and asked permission to sleep in a nightgown occasionally and wear a feminine apron and heels when I’m alone cooking in the kitchen. She was very understanding and this has been our situation for the last six months and it is working well for me. I no longer think about dressing constantly and when the urge to dress comes over me I know I will be able to put on something silky and feminine at bed time and I very much enjoy cooking in heels.
Over the years I purged several times due to shame and guilt. Now in my 70’s I finally realize this is who I am and it is very much a part of me and I have come to accept that. I am still working on accepting that is who I am without feeling ashamed about it but I’m making progress.
I have noticed a strong correlation between stress in my life and wanting to dress. Dressing up has a very calming effect on me and caretaking can be a bit stressful at times. You obviously love Michayla very much to spend the time and effort you do to understand this strange crossdressing thing that we don’t really understand ourselves.
Hugs,
Michelle
Great question Betty. For me, yes and I have given up dressing in the past for my wife. I was very unhappy and reverted back into the closet. Sometime later she came to the decision that it was acceptable which I was very happy about. As for why, I am a non transitioning CD who will never be passable, it helps me unwind from a very stressful job and also I love the feel of beautiful clothes and shoes. It’s not an obsession etc etc but part of me that quite honestly I cannot explain but accept completely. Also may not dress for a couple of weeks then the pink fog descends and I need that reaffirming feel of beautiful clothes. I think everyone will agree drab clothes are just that, drab. Thank you for being here on CDH for your SO and it also helps some of us answer a few questions of our own. Katie 💋
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