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Registered On: November 27, 2022Topics: 14Replies: 166Has thanked: 514 timesBeen thanked: 1071 timesI was thinking this morning about crossdressing, not actually doing it, but just crossdressing in general. I’m conflicted a lot. I, at times, can’t decide where I fit into the crossdressing spectrum. Am I going to continue? Am I going to finally go out? Why do I do this? Why do I like myself when I’m dressed? Do I want to tell someone outside of CDH?
These seem to be the questions in my mind that I logically want to answer for myself, and it seems that the questions keep getting different answers every day. There are some days when I just think that I need to stop it, and move on, but my inner mind tells me that that would be a waste of money, and I know deep down inside that I’ll be back as Jennifer. Then when I’m dressed, I want to open the door and let everyone know what I’ve done, because I’m proud of myself, but I know that most anyone else would just think it’s very strange, and I don’t want people to think that I’m strange. So, I’m conflicted all the time, but I know deep down that I’ll make a logical decision and do what’s best for me, and not anyone else. I keep telling myself that I’m not hurting any one doing this. Does any one else have these conflicts?Total of 50 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
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Registered On: January 8, 2020Topics: 6Replies: 463Has thanked: 1949 timesBeen thanked: 2023 timesI too have had a lot of the questions you ask. Like others here I grew up in a time when crossdressing was considered to be a perversion. As a result I kept that part of myself hidden not only form others but from myself. When I did take the opportunity to dress and express that part of myself I felt guilty and ashamed, even though it was in the privacy of my home and no one else was aware of what I was doing. A few years ago a situation developed where my wife asked me a question which led to a conversation about dressing. It was hard to admit my desire to dress and led to some tumultuous times for us. At her suggestion I started therapy and as a result have been able to explore my feelings, have accepted that I have a feminine side and that dressing is a way for me to express it. Though my wife and therapist are the only ones that know I dress I am comfortable with who I am. Yes there have been times where I questioned myself and stopped dressing for a period of time, but have always come back. For me the bottom line is understanding who I am, accepting that and allowing myself to be me.
XOXO
Suzanne10 users thanked author for this post.
Jennifer, for your answer to the last question is “always”
That is when I login to CDH to find words and assurance to help with the thoughts in my head. It is in here where I feel as if I am surrounded with friends.
Hugs to all, Tina
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- Registered On: April 8, 2020Topics: 48Replies: 202Has thanked: 5091 timesBeen thanked: 1530 times
Wow, Jennifer, this is such a great post, and all the responses are so engaging. Thank you for introducing the discussion.
Conflicted, yes, but the conflicts change with time and self acceptance. I have felt all the issues you mentioned and can add more to the list. Maybe we all can. The ongoing struggle to sort this is simply part of the growing process. Although some of the questions are more taxing than others, overall I see it as a journey and I am grateful that there has been much progress over time. Keep working on it like a jigsaw puzzle and the picture becomes clearer to see.12 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: May 26, 2021Topics: 13Replies: 408Has thanked: 2535 timesBeen thanked: 1908 times
Jennifer, my response to you is mainly to say thank you. You and I seem to be in a very similar place, as I have all the same questions. That is the beauty of this place, there’s always someone out there who has very similar thoughts, questions, conflicts and insecurities and we all get so much support from each other.
Personally I am slowly coming to peace with the notion that no, it is not wrong for me to do this no matter what some people might say or believe or think. I cannot change the fact that some people in my like would never be able to accept this about me but I can’t let that stop me from being me. Right now I am happy enough dressing in private and I should enjoy that time with no reservations. If and when I decide to step out a little…or a lot…I will deal with what that brings at that time. It’s all that simple and it’s all that hard my friend. That’s why we have CDH .
Hugs sis!
💖Lola18 users thanked author for this post.
- Registered On: November 23, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 524Has thanked: 373 timesBeen thanked: 2292 times
Jennifer,
I’m certainly no expert but I’d be willing to bet that a good percentage of CD’ers have all experienced some or all of those feelings. I certainly did and eventually I gave up caring why I dress. I do not know if I’ll ever know exactly why but now do not care. That helped lead to my acceptance of this side of me and Fiona’s emergence. I’ve been comfortable with it and glad that it has led to this point in my life.
Fiona
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- Registered On: September 5, 2016Topics: 6Replies: 180Has thanked: 266 timesBeen thanked: 835 times
Jennifer
Your post and all of the answers are exactly why I love CDH. What you are asking is so relative to the majority of us. the dialogue will help many! The journey to figuring ourselves out isn’t an overnight trip. So first of all thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling. Also thank you to all of the girls that have responded.
There is a good article written in CDH by my friend Lisa Wilson that’s titled Acceptance….if you get a chance read it as I think it’s a great read and very relative to your post.
From my perspective there is no journey that is the same. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences that there is no perfect answer. I do believe accepting yourself is the one common thing that we all need to reach . It’s difficult to move forward until you get there but getting there will take time. The other comment I will make is from what a performer who had cancer that was on AGT that has stuck in my mind since hearing it. That being:
”You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy”
love you all!
carole
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- Registered On: November 1, 2021Topics: 27Replies: 696Has thanked: 12552 timesBeen thanked: 4037 times
What Holly says about the culture and times that many of us grew up in, when we knew we were drawn to femininity but forbidden to do so, it’s no wonder we’ve dealt with feeling conflicted through our lives.
For some of us, we’ve had to find ways to deal with that conflict by facing our feelings head on and fully accepting that we are, in actual fact, feminine. For me that meant surrendering trying to maintain a life as a male, who was never that successful at the job, and transitioning to living my life as a woman.
For me, that has completely resolved any feelings of conflict as I’ve embraced the joy of living as the person I was meant to be.
Hugs girls,
Ms. Lauren M
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- Registered On: September 29, 2019Topics: 75Replies: 1224Has thanked: 2840 timesBeen thanked: 5793 times
Hi Jennifer. I will tell you just don’t worry about where you are at and where you are going. I can relate to the fear of what is going on in your head. I have had the fear often of why do I want to be a woman or do I just want to present that way sometimes??? Right now I don’t care. I love being Cassie most of the time and most people know me as Cassie some or all the time.
What I am saying if you never want to go out as Jennifer and you are happy that way, good for you. If you sometime want/need to go out and show yourself as yourself so be it.
Just enjoy the ride and try not to let others hold you back.. Cassie
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- Registered On: February 18, 2021Topics: 15Replies: 614Has thanked: 1500 timesBeen thanked: 2676 times
Those are thoughts that a lot of CD’ers have Jennifer so you’re not alone there. I went through those thoughts constantly in my teens and thought about giving up CD’ing several times, but wearing lingerie to bed felt so good I just couldn’t stop doing it. It all comes down to what do you want to do and what makes you happy, and that’s what you have to go with.
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- Registered On: August 1, 2020Topics: 9Replies: 1510Has thanked: 5386 timesBeen thanked: 6976 times
Well Jennifer, join the club. You have had some lovely answers and within your thoughts you have answered some of your own questions. You have established that it won’t go away and you are not hurting anyone which is a good base to move forward. Telling the world, well wouldn’t we all like to that but the logic is to work out who to tell from those that know you well, and who perhaps know you well too, so there is an understanding of the thoughts they have and would make a good person to confide in.
I have gone through the thought process and at my own pace. I decided that this wouldn’t go away and I wanted to do it more and set out to achieve my goals. I have conquered the coming out phase and from that new opportunities arose until being in the position of living full time which was an aspiration at five years old and a reality now. There could be a few hicks and reassessments but if you know where you want to be then be determined to do it.
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- Registered On: November 23, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 524Has thanked: 373 timesBeen thanked: 2292 times
Those are such lovely sentiments Angela. Very nice indeed. Your and my thought processes about CD’ing are very similar. The big difference between us is how much longer you have been out versus my coming out in May 2022. I’ve CD’ed all my life but only dressed fully & went out in public en femme then. Like you I have become comfortable with this side of me & am happy to be able to live life this way. Take care.
Fiona
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- Registered On: June 13, 2018Topics: 3Replies: 436Has thanked: 8948 timesBeen thanked: 1925 times
I agree with your conflicts as well., and identify with all of them! I ask myself many times, why I like being dressed, why it occupies so many of my thoughts, and love planning what I will wear next or need to add to my wardrobe. Why does it make me feel great and relaxed while dressed, but yet stressed that someone may stop over or I may get caught.
While I under dress daily and love it, and it feels “normal”, and I were a a chemise to bed most nights, I could dress everyday, I can also go weeks with not fully dressing or putting make up on. As I get older, I think my desire/need to explore and dress up is more than it was 20 years ago.
I am working on acceptance all these parts of me and that my dressing is not hurting anyone and I do not care if someone does or does not like it. It does not impact them
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- Registered On: February 20, 2020Topics: 9Replies: 294Has thanked: 1143 timesBeen thanked: 1160 times
I think pretty much all of us have had or still have these feelings.I’ve accepted my female side as part of who I am.I’ve found it makes me a more rounded and complete person.Hang in there!
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- Registered On: September 29, 2022Topics: 7Replies: 147Has thanked: 1056 timesBeen thanked: 974 times
Having spent most of my life deeply conflicted, I’m finally at acceptance. Embracing my femme side from a place of love, with the support and acceptance of my life partner, has made a huge difference. But. It can still raise its head now and again, never as strongly, and never for very long. It’s like a mini panic attack that subsides quickly. Not sure I’ll ever be rid of it completely, as so much of it is a product of growing up in a world where the slightest difference was piled with shame and ostracism. For me, the best “cure” is putting on a skirt.
xo, Nikki
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- Registered On: April 7, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 633Has thanked: 2431 timesBeen thanked: 2884 times
I think all of us faced those same questions or feelings. I am old enough that I decided I don’t care what others think of me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dressing. It does not harm a sole. If I offend you. You can stop stareing at me. Enjoy the experience and comfort that dressing gives many of us.
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Yes, you’ll stay conflicted. At least to some extent.
I remember the sense of being a deviant or pervert.As many have said to me you get to choose how far you go and those you tell.
Comfort level with yourself is the most important (and for me the most difficult) goal.
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- Registered On: January 21, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 113Has thanked: 618 timesBeen thanked: 533 times
Thank you for an interesting post Jennifer.
I think the conflicts will be always be here for me. I have learnt to compartmentalise between my private space at home where I am Janet full time and the outside world where I live in male mode. It isn’t perfect but it gives most of what I want and safe from conflict.
I used to think I would just stop dressing. I no longer want to. I now want to be female as much as possible. The only long term question I have is whether and when I will go out in public. I believe time will answer that question. Of course in an ideal world I would be Janet full time but that comes with a price I cannot pay at present.
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- Registered On: April 15, 2022Topics: 117Replies: 311Has thanked: 3868 timesBeen thanked: 3862 times
Hi Jennifer, what a great question (or series of questions)!
Short answer, yes, I suspect we all have these same feelings and questions and conflicts. Why we have them is a much longer answer though.
From my own experience, I believe these come from many different sources – cultural, religious, societal, familial, etc. Add to that the fact that we’re raised as boys, and then grow into manhood, and the messages we receive all throughout our lives about what it means to be a man, how boys act, what we should do, etc. all conflict with our inner desires about our femininity that we need to express. And especially if we grew up before the Internet made it easy to find others like us and realize we were not the only one who felt this way, we had to repress those desires. We couldn’t share them with anyone, we couldn’t talk about them with anyone, we definitely couldn’t tell our families or friends. Back then, crossdressing (or transvestism as it used to be known) was considered a sexual deviation or fetish, so it was considered to be something bad, something to be cured.
Because of all of that, we’ve had decades and decades of hiding this part of us from the world.
That’s what I believe causes us to feel conflicted and ask the type of questions you raise. While we’re more aware that crossdressing is an inborn part of us that can’t be changed, we’re also still struggling with all of those decades of upbringing, hiding ourselves, etc., so those parts are all in conflict with each other, causing the exact questions you ask. We want to be free and open with our femininity, but how we were raised and what we were taught goes against that.
Does that make sense?
I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea of what I’m trying to say.
Hugs,
Holly
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- Registered On: June 14, 2021Topics: 31Replies: 1880Has thanked: 14290 timesBeen thanked: 9520 times
Hi Jennifer. If you haven’t already, I think you may benefit from reading Hollies article “Conundrum”. It states our lifestyle clearly as being conflicted, and I think we all share this in common. Its a sisterhood.
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Yes, you’ll stay conflicted. At least to some extent.
I remember the sense of being a deviant or pervert.As many have said to me you get to choose how far you go and those you tell.
Comfort level with yourself is the most important (and for me the most difficult) goal.
I see now others have writing essentially the same thing.
I vividly remember the time when I looked at a picture of me with makeup and almost instantly saw a picture of a younger masculine me and realized those two parts of myself were at peace with each other, even liked each other.
A magic moment!
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- Registered On: November 27, 2022Topics: 14Replies: 166Has thanked: 514 timesBeen thanked: 1071 times
I actually did read Hollies article. Now that you mention it, she must have programmed a subliminal message in there to get me to thinking. It’s an excellent article, and I for sure don’t want to hijack it from this post. Thanks for reminding me.
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- Registered On: September 13, 2019Topics: 7Replies: 669Has thanked: 0 timesBeen thanked: 2691 times
No doubt we all have asked similar questions of ourselves at some point or other. I certainly have, and still do, but pretty infrequently these days. The reason I don’t have such a conflicting internal dialog is that I have just accepted myself as I am. I have simply come to the conclusion that I enjoy dressing en femme to various degrees and various times. I just enjoy being dressed, it feels good, and that is good enough for me. That simple conclusion has removed a large amount of that self doubt and conflict.
I am just a guy who likes to dress en femme. I don’t have any desire to transition, I don’t have a desire to wear full time, et cetera, so it is easier to deal with my “issues”. Try to figure out who you are, and live that life for you, and not others, other then some who are very close to you, i.e. spouse and some family.
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- Registered On: December 25, 2022Topics: 3Replies: 169Has thanked: 169 timesBeen thanked: 551 times
Sure, we probably all have been or are there. After I came out, that all went away forever. No packing, no purging, no rearranging timelines to get some her time, no hiding, no lying, no dreaming, no wishing, no shame, no wondering, no conflicted feelings ever.
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- Registered On: November 18, 2019Topics: 1Replies: 327Has thanked: 330 timesBeen thanked: 1243 times
Jennifer,
I have been coping with the conflicted feelings for decades. Since early childhood, I have enjoyed wearing girls/womens clothes. I thought I might grow out of it. I thought it would fade away when I got married and had kids. It didn’t.
Nor did the feelings of conflict. I still have internal debates about whether its an addiction, a behavioral health problem, or if I am just somewhere within the normal curve. On good days, I see myself as a transgender person who is expressing a substantial part of herself, and on not so good days, I see myself as an impostor or addict.
I have tried embracing this part of myself, but never been fully successful. I have come out to many people, including friends, former professional colleagues, and family members. The response has been positive from the substantial majority, but I still doubt myself.
Perhaps this is ingrained from growing up in a time when being a cross dresser or transgender was almost unheard of and considered deviancy. Its hard to shake such beliefs. Perhaps its just a continuation of the uncertainty felt by a small child, not anywhere near old enough enough to understand gender identity.
Of late, I have simply tried to accept that I will always feel conflicted. When I feel like rejecting this part of myself, I carefully pack things away, no longer willing to waste things I enjoyed and paid good money for. Those moods pass fairly quickly, and the things get unpacked. I suppose its a sort of unsteady balance, and this may be as good as it gets.
Kim
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