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After another period of thinking a lot about life as a woman, wondering if it is just a matter of when and if, wishing I had taken steps as a child or even younger, seeing people who *did* transition at my age and look amazing, etc., etc., etc… I caught myself in one of those moments what reveals that for me, it is just a fantasy and not a deep need.
This was not in a dream, but merely at the thought of dreaming.
I know it’s almost assumed that trans women are almost always female in their dreams (though I am sure there are many exceptions), and I have almost never experienced that. In the last few weeks or so, my dreams have been more intense and I have taken to keeping track of them a little with a dream journal twitter. Surprisingly, I started moving towards lucidity only a few nights later. I was not all there, but I was in a fight situation and realised how much control I had over everything with my own mind. I have always been too lazy to really go for it, but the idea of being able to control the subconscious mind like that with all its vivid possibilities has always been appealing.
Realising I may be on the verge of it, I started thinking about silly kind of dreams I could have with that control and thought “I live in London in the mid 90s. I’m Mary Hansen of Stereolab’s boyfriend.” Then it hit me, why boyfriend? I don’t even know what the late musician’s sexual preference was, maybe I could be her girlfriend! The idea of just being a woman in my dream didn’t even cross my mind. I thought about it “Mary Hansen’s girlfriend? Is that better?” and I concluded maybe not. I think I’d rather just be myself.
I am sure that I will use this power to transform in my own mind as I do think about it a lot, but even if I could just flip it on like that I guess I wouldn’t.
It can be so hard sometimes, seeing women and CDs and being so envious of their appearance, what they’re wearing, how they must feel. It’s so easy – especially for a Gemini like myself with such strong duality to think how much I would love to embrace the other side, to have taken hormones as a boy and be the perfect woman I can see so clearly today. Given how much it takes and what a challenge it is to experiment, I love to be reminded that I actually don’t mind what I am.
I’m also a Gemini, so maybe it’s not such a coincidence that I’ve been having very similar thoughts… I’ve always been myself in my dreams as well. In both actual dreams and daydreams. I haven’t tried lucid dreaming, but I do let my overactive imagination take me to some wild places while daydreaming sometimes. (to the point where I’m beginning to wonder if its unhealthy…) Not long ago I decided to try a little experiment: what if, when I have a moment to let myself retreat into my mind, I started imagining myself as female? The long story short of the results is that it didn’t really work. As fun as it is to imagine a girl who thinks and acts just like me and has replaced me in my life, it just doesn’t feel like me. It just feels like another wild fantasy that’s even wilder than the others. The only way I can really picture myself in my mind is as, well, myself. And not even the faceapp version of me either.
I’ve also been having thoughts about what things would have been like had I transitioned pre-puberty. If I actually would have, or if it would have been better for me, I’ll never know. The thought of living as a completely passable trans girl is intoxicating I have to admit. But I think, at least right now, it’s just another fantasy. Cross dressing with my masculine body is such an imperfect solution, especially when I see a beautiful cis girl and am both attracted by her femininity and jealous of it, but at the end of the day, I do like that my CDing is something that lets me return to a “normal” state that lets me go through regular life without wearing all of who I am on my sleeve.
Somewhat related: I’m having serious thoughts about doing another facial hair experiment. Thinking about how my last one went, it seems like a bad idea, but on the other hand, I do kind of like that I’m tempted by it, as further evidence I’m still in touch with my male side too.
Facial hair has always been what has kept me grounded in my male side. Mine is thick and grows very fast, so even at the times pre-marriage when I would think “that’s it, I could really just go get some clothes and makeup and do it!” I think about having to shave all the time and think it’s not worth it. Likewise, it’s never felt like a mask either. At times when I can see past it and think what a little makeup and a wig could do if it were off cleanly I am still reminded of how brief that moment would be. By now, I think a good shave would make my wife suspicious of other activity, so it’s going to stay until I can get the opportunity (with her blessing) for a professional makeover.
There are days that I wished I could have transition when I was younger. But I don’t think that any one in my family would have understood, the cost and how one would have went about it was beyond me as we had NO information available like we do here on the Internet back then. But to just be a woman and enjoy life maybe would have been better than living in secret and hiding what you are or I am. I don’t know.. it is to many years way to late in my case, but I am enjoying what I am and embracing it. I’ve never came out to any one especially a significant other in fear of what they would think and who they would tell. Society can be very cruel whether you come out or not to any one for about just any thing. And kids seem to be the cruelest of all humans – just look what they do and say about each other. Listen to what adults say about transgender, transexuals, CDs, etc. The majority of them are NOT to kind to any of them, and what some do to people like us is VERY Scary.
In the meantime, I love wearing high heels, pantyhose, stockings, dresses, wigs, makeup, etc. When I am dressed I just enjoy it to the nth degree.
Have fun being who you are and enjoy the journey,
Jennifer N Heels
I would like to put out there, that at least me and to share with others is this…
There is NOTHING wrong with loving both. I think in many ways we’ve elevated our masculinity by allowing ourselves to “indulge” in our feminine side. Having both is perfectly fine and I enjoy it.
Sure we can “what if..” and woulda, coulda, shoulda… yet our path was for good reason and its led us to where we are now. Nothing wrong with wondering either.
Not to mention by indulging in the feminine, I think we have such a greater appreciation of women. It’s also made me a much more compassionate and loving person.
xo – Robyn
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