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After another period of thinking a lot about life as a woman, wondering if it is just a matter of when and if, wishing I had taken steps as a child or even younger, seeing people who *did* transition at my age and look amazing, etc., etc., etc… I caught myself in one of those moments what reveals that for me, it is just a fantasy and not a deep need.
This was not in a dream, but merely at the thought of dreaming.
I know it’s almost assumed that trans women are almost always female in their dreams (though I am sure there are many exceptions), and I have almost never experienced that. In the last few weeks or so, my dreams have been more intense and I have taken to keeping track of them a little with a dream journal twitter. Surprisingly, I started moving towards lucidity only a few nights later. I was not all there, but I was in a fight situation and realised how much control I had over everything with my own mind. I have always been too lazy to really go for it, but the idea of being able to control the subconscious mind like that with all its vivid possibilities has always been appealing.
Realising I may be on the verge of it, I started thinking about silly kind of dreams I could have with that control and thought “I live in London in the mid 90s. I’m Mary Hansen of Stereolab’s boyfriend.” Then it hit me, why boyfriend? I don’t even know what the late musician’s sexual preference was, maybe I could be her girlfriend! The idea of just being a woman in my dream didn’t even cross my mind. I thought about it “Mary Hansen’s girlfriend? Is that better?” and I concluded maybe not. I think I’d rather just be myself.
I am sure that I will use this power to transform in my own mind as I do think about it a lot, but even if I could just flip it on like that I guess I wouldn’t.
It can be so hard sometimes, seeing women and CDs and being so envious of their appearance, what they’re wearing, how they must feel. It’s so easy – especially for a Gemini like myself with such strong duality to think how much I would love to embrace the other side, to have taken hormones as a boy and be the perfect woman I can see so clearly today. Given how much it takes and what a challenge it is to experiment, I love to be reminded that I actually don’t mind what I am.
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