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    • #181550

      Hi girls, I come to you for help, consolation and maybe a little hope. A few weeks ago my wife learned of my CD and we are in the middle of a very strong crisis. Unfortunately this situation was combined with a crisis in our marital relationship, we have not had intimacy regularly in a year because of problems of the relationship itself, not the CD. The problem is that my wife believes that the fact that I am crossdresser affects our relationship at an intimate level. To find a solution I am going to therapy, and the psychologist helped me a lot to accept that my CD is normal, that it is something I was born with and that is how I am. He is also trying to get my wife to accept it, but the last time she told me: I’m not that open, I marry him, not her, I do not know if I can accept it. To complete the problem I have two wonderful teenagers who do not know about my CD but I love them with all my soul and I am not ready to lose my family. So my big doubt is: 1) I abandon the CD forever, save my family but I betray myself, 2) I’m faithful to myself and I hope for the best by accepting the consequences that may come, 3) I expect a miracle …
      Thanks in advance for the support and a word of comfort, at this moment it would mean a world

    • #181554

      I’ll try to give some support. I hope it works out for the best.

      I just don’t understand why people can’t accept that a male can enjoy exploring their feminine side and enjoy it, and still be masculine for their spouse.

      Maybe I’m wrong or haven’t been cross dressing long enough.

      But I think I can be both.

      Patty

    • #182073

      Hi Annette,

      I am just checking in to see how your doing.
      It sounds like your going through a lot and I just wanted to see how you are after a few days.

      Are you Ok?

      Patty

      • #183327

        Hi Patty, thank you very much for your concern, I’m a little better now, I had small progress with my wife which give me hope in to the future and the support that I’ve found in this community is amazing, every word that they wrote show me that I’m not just a lonely girl anymore but a part of a community, it feels great.

        Kisses,

        Annette

    • #182102
      Becka
      Lady

      Hi Annette,

      In reality Option 1 is not an option.  This is not something you just abandon and forget about.  As your therapist has pointed out, this is a part of who you are, a part of your being.  It does not go way.

      It may wax and wane from time to time, but it is always there.  If your wife does not accept it, I would also not expect her to have a change of heart.  As hard as it might be for you (us) to understand why we have this trait, it is even more difficult for someone outside of us to comprehend.  We cannot expect them to, or reshape their thoughts around the “man they married”.

      My SO thinks the same way.  Because she never saw or knew about this part of the “man she married”, she wants nothing to do with it.  I can understand that, although at times I’m very confused or put off because she is so pro equal rights for all, especially those in the LGBT community.  It’s the “not in my backyard” syndrome.

      Anyway, I’m drifting away from your questions and options.

      My take is

      – you continue dressing, in private.

      – work on your marriage if you so desire, and it sounds like there were issues prior to your SO finding out about your CD.

      – go slow.  If you want to wear things out, make it so they are “out of sight” and perhaps try to gradually introduce things.

      The bottom line is, you cannot change who you are, and you cannot (or don’t expect to), change who your SO is.

      These are hard facts that have no easy solution, if there is one at all.

      All the Love and Hugs,

      Rebekka

    • #182140
      Becka
      Lady

      And here is a classic example of what I was referring to in regards to my SO.

      She says:

      “This is the best cartoon I’ve ever seen!”

      Me: “What is it?”

      She: “It’s a picture of Jesus talking to (someone) and he’s saying”, “I was conceived without a Y chromosome, therefore neither man nor woman, or, more woman than man”, despite being depicted as a man.

      Me: “So this is in relation to accepting LBGT (all) people?:”

      She:

      “Yes, why shouldn’t we?”  “What are peoples problems with this?”

      Me: (What I wanted to say/ask)

      “Yes, what is your problem with this in relation to me?”

      Mind you, I’m sitting here in my gurl jeans, wearing panties, black knee highs that are pretty obvious, wearing my favorite gurl loafers!

      Sigh.

    • #182159
      Anonymous

      Hi Annette, tough bind.

      Strictly speaking about the CD and wife, hiding it for years tends to never play out that well. Going to therapy shows you’re trying though, but look I’m going to be real with you here you did hide something from your wife for a number of years yeah? I think she’s kinda justified in feeling maybe not so hot about it. Now what you’ve hidden from her is quite normal and a healthy part of life so there’s nothing wrong with what you or I do (I actually think it’s pretty great if you ask me I certainly love lace), there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it or you, but secrets kept are still secrets.

      I say that as someone who’s hidden stuff from my own wife and we are barely making it out right now. Once it was all out in the open I pretty much got a therapist the next day. I definitely hurt her trust, but I came clean with everything I owned, got rid of all my stash locations, consolidated what I owned, and put my stuff right out on our open closet organizer so she sees the dresses I own and like to wear.

      I’d say my wife is less than thrilled she has no desire to be with a woman and at the same time I want to be her man. Here’s the crazy thing though I only ever want to be “him” with her. She’s not into women, so that’s not what I want her to see. I am her husband. I made that pact, and for honor’s sake I follow it. The female part of me is part of me so your Option #1 above I don’t think is going to work (and I think you might have the same opinion too). It’s hard amidst a larger going-on but work on a compromise with her. I’m my wife’s man, I can dress up whenever I choose, my wife doesn’t see me dressed up (neither of us really want that), and I just give her a heads up on my own goings on if I dress up or if I want to buy a different dress or whatever, but I COMMUNICATE as hard as that can be sometimes it’s called ripping the band-aid off for a reason right?

      Balance does exist is what I’m saying. Own your part of it, don’t adopt any shame of it (that will help you both out), but work on accepting it within the relationship and work strictly with your wife’s terms. You kinda fucked up, so like, play on her terms yeah? If she doesn’t want to accept that part of you, then fine, that’s how it is, accept it for yourself and find a line between doing what you want and working within her comfort zone. I mean that too, work on her level. Listen to her, be honest, open, address every question or fear YOU know she might have even if she doesn’t know she has herself (husbands do know their wives very well).

      At the end of the day it’s your call. I’m not saying it has to be never dress up again vs dinner will never be in drab again, there is a compromise and a balance but you have to talk with your wife on what you want versus what she’s comfortable with, and for the sake of the kids please do what you can to be good to each other and work it out, be the adults you want your kids to see and model from.

      You might just tell your wife you want to dress up in private for yourself and for no one else. She’s going to naturally wonder what else you might have kept secret, but come completely clean to her and about everything, maybe spare juicy details she may be uncomfortable with but don’t hide anything from her because WIVES know their husbands too y’know.

      The dust will settle to the clear truth, and with that clarity you will have a clear path forward. It may not be the best of terms, but it’s what you have to deal with right now. Sorry to be a little cold about that but it’s what it is, right?

      Best of luck to you, I hop you and your wife can work something out with each other I truly do, this is indeed a crisis but do the honorable thing at every turn, do not abandon who you are, act in service towards others, and you’ll be alright.

    • #182170
      Jay Tyun
      Lady

      always going to be a difficult .

      I believe its down to us to open up and let them in to our world if we dare.

      If your like me you went into panic / headless chicken / damage limitation mode, when your CDing activity’s came to light,(and whatever else is causing problems) less than helpful for me.

      So I tried again,  this time I apologised for going in to panic/ BS mode.

      I asked her to think up some questions that she would like answering (when she was ready to do so) and for my part I promised that I would answer them as honestly as I could bearing in mind that I was embarrassed – ashamed – guilty and talking openly about it with her was so difficult after hiding it for so long.

      This gave us both time to think, the questions came and where answered and more questions came and more answers came out.

      We now have ground rules, I’m honest about what I’m doing

      My wife knows that I  love with her

      We are still together and I’m still a CD

      my best wishes to you and your family

       

    • #183334

      Dears Jay, Anonymous, Rebekka and Patty

      Thank you so much for their words, kindness and concern. I read several times every word they wrote, it made me think, foun answers and a light in the end of tunnel. And most important of all I found hope and support. Thank you all for made me part of a community, that mades a world to me.

      In another time I will write some news about my process, in the mean time we can just fun with lighter questions such as the costumes.

      Kisses,

      Annette

    • #183404

      Hi annette,

      Just saying Hi and thinking of you.

      Your post got me to thinking of my wife.

      She accepts it somewhat but not crazy about it and does not what to be intimate with a woman.

      But I was thinking about some of this.

      we may hide it after we marry but, in my case I just discovered who I was a year and a half ago.

      I don’t think I could go back and stop.
      In fact it may be selfish but I know I can’t
      Its who I am now and I’m not ashamed.

      Your friend
      Patty

      • #209483

        Awesome

        Another late bloomer, I don’t know that I could stop either, I would be a lesser version of myself….and even if I could I would likely resent the person who convinced me too.

    • #183412

      Oh dear. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would never presume to tell anyone what to do. That is your decision alone, and I will support you whatever you decide. All I can do is relate my experience, and unfortunately, it’s not good news for your marriage.

      My wife found out and I decided to try and save my marriage. Also for the sake of my kids. I stopped dressing completely and worked as hard as I could to be the perfect father and husband. The urges never went away, but I kept my actions in check and never dressed again. Unfortunately, the bell could not be unrung. My wife never got over it and wound up using it as justification for her affairs. Eventually, we split.

      But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My kids adore me and I have a far better relationship with them than she does. Even her son from her first marriage has chosen to live with me. I am single and can dress, in the privacy of my bedroom, whenever I want. I am happier without her. And, I recently came out to two of my daughters and they have been completely accepting. I am far happier now than I ever was when I was with her. So, in the end, I have absolutely no regrets.

      Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. If you need to chat, don’t hesitate to message me.

      Hugs,

      Elise

    • #183429

      Hi Annette

       

      This is something that is going to take time, from your wife’s view you have deceived her by hiding your urge to dress, this in a women’s eye is the same thing as cheating on her.

      1.You will have to regain her trust first,

      2.You will need to let her know that she is the number one girl in your life, as now there is two in her relationship.

      3.Set boundaries that suit your wife (eg dress only when your wife is not at home. )

      4. Communication but don’t be to pushy

      5. Go slowly your wife is grieving the loss of her man in her eyes

      6.With the intimacy, women they are very different to men this will take time you will have to stimulate your wife intellectually, as most women need this to get them in the mood.

      7. Try and get your wife to join the SO and wife’s here to talk to others

      These are the steps that I took and worked for me

       

      Good luck XXX

    • #206340
      Anonymous

      What I’m not getting is why this is such a big deal to her (My SO).

      I am the person she married. Nothing, but nothing has changed.

      Yes, I kept certain things secret. I believed my reasoning was good, and there’s lots of things I have kept secret, like exactly what happened with former girlfriends, the parties I used to go to, the amount of alcohol and drugs I used to consume, all the music I like – we almost never listen to my music together and I’m a musician, so that’s kinda central to who I am.

      Why should what I like to wear be a deal breaker?

      What is all this nonsense about marrying a man, not a woman?

      I am a man.

      I’m the same man she married.

      I just like wearing clothes that were made with women in mind – to create a female look.

      She wears jeans and t-shirts, trousers sometimes whatever she feels like.

      Why are the rules for me different?

      I didn’t write them – or read them written down anywhere.

      I can’t think of anything else so trivial and harmless that meets with such hostility.

      I really, really don’t get it – it makes me extremely sad, as it seems to be putting my marriage and family at risk, simply because my wife doesn’t like it.

      Well there are plenty of things I don’t like, but I get over them and move on in the name of protecting those I love.

      Why is cross dressing worth destroying the family, from a woman’s point of view?

      Can’t be, surely?

      As I said, I really don’t get it.

       

    • #209485

      Hello Annette

      Every situation and relationship is unique and needs to be handled and decided only by those who know the dynamics of it, but sometimes with the help of a mediator. The lack of intimacy could indeed have to do with your internal change of  views towards her, yourself and femininity in general or may be a timing coincidence. You’ll need to search your feelings deeply to figure that one out. It does become more difficult with unknowing cgildren involved. Take Elise up on her offer, she’s definately a thinker! with past knowledge.

      You do deserve to be you! Good luck hun

    • #209727

      Hi Annette,
      (Big hug)
      When my first marriage ended it had nothing to do with crossdressing. I wasn’t even wearing panties yet. We told the kids 6 months before I moved out. When I moved out they were 16 and 10.
      It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But it was necessary for me.
      I’m not saying that’s what you should do. I’m just trying to tell you I know that pain.
      There are many good responses here. I like what Paula1 says the best. Number one is trust. You were already having troubles. Her not accepting your dressing is complicated by trust issues. If your marriage was perfect before telling her, it still might not have gone well just probably not as badly. What’s harder than not being accepted….. Trying to accept another person’s not accepting us. I think Rebekka knows what I mean by this…..
      If you want to save it all… Rebuild the trust. You might have to live like a person in witness protection program to save it all. I hope for your sake it doesn’t come to that. One of my biggest fears is that when I do tell my wife she won’t understand why I didn’t tell her sooner. All about the trust. So fight the good fight. Muster a ton of patience. Apologize. When all else fails. Surrender to her. Just don’t quit.
      Autumn

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