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I recently found myself in a conversation that made me very uncomfortable. A small group of crossdressers were discussing what the perfect relationship would be. All agreed that having a significant other that accepted crossdressing would be ideal. Crossdressers who are married to a woman that doesn’t accept their crossdressing find themselves in a difficult relationship. I chimed in and stated that I don’t have that problem since my S.O. was a crossdresser like myself. *( I am bisexual and find myself attracted to other crossdressers like myself )* It was quickly stated that it’s not the same thing. I asked why and was told “because it’s not a real relationship”. I was so upset by what was just said to me.
What they said was insulting and reveals some internalized transphobia. If they were my friends I’d ditch them and find some new ones.
/EA
Rightfully so. That’s not cool what they said. It is absolutely the same thing. Your relationship is valid
I am responding to this without reading previous responses so that you get my unbiased reply.
Whomever said that your relationship “isn’t real” because it’s another crossdresser can go pound sand.
A relationship is real when two people decide that they have a relationship.
That seems like pretty narrow minded thinking from a person that seeks acceptance as a crossdresser.
You do you sweetie and you’re lucky to have someone that gets you, and might even be able to share clothes with.
Have fun out there,
xoxo
Rayna
It seems to me you’ve got a pretty good (and proper) relationship. Maybe you got that awful reaction because they’re jealous. Either that, or they’re a bunch of crossdressing bigots, which would be some kind of irony. x
I think they felt like they were an exclusive clique. You could only participate by invitation only.
“shaking my head” *sigh*
I put it’s not the same, but please hear me out.
Firstly, your relationship with the other girl is as valid as any other, I don’t understand why 2 people can’t be together regardless of gender, preference etc, but why I said it was different is because your CD SO understands what we all feel, whereas as GG SO would more than likely struggle as mine does.
I don’t agree with what they said though, and I’d ditch them.I hope you both enjoy your relationship.
K8t
Hi Wendie, I would suggest that every single relationship is different…which in effect, makes them all the same. I doubt that any two of your so-called ‘friends’ has a relationship like another (which sort of makes them not the same, obviously!). Sure, there are no doubt some similarities, but there are differences because everyone is different. I’ve been married twice, children from both marriages, some of the relationship I developed with each could be considered the same, but also different because each of my spouses is different. And since I’m a cd (or failed ts) my relationship with either of my spouses has been ‘different’, yet, on certain levels they have been the same.
We’re all looking for acceptance (well, I would think and hope we are), and if we find someone who accepts us for what we are (however that may be), and is willing to commit to being together, and we both realize that there will have to be some give and take, and some boundaries that each can agree on, and respect and especially some semblance of love (which in itself can be totally different for different people) which also hopefully includes some kind of intimacy – regardless of how it is managed – , and we’re willing to accept or overlook some issues with the other, well then I would call that a relationship, and, considering all that baggage, it’s the same for all of us.
Hugs, ChloëC
I am constantly amazed at how so many people in every walk of life and “group” feel it necessary to categorize, and rank the different people they relate to. Each situation presents it’s own set of unique issues, difficulties, and of course joys. Instead of creating an old fashioned caste system I wish to simply enjoy the variety of our society and the challenge of discussing, agreeing with or disagreeing with each other without personal attacks, judgement, or denigration. Compared to where and when I grew up, I live in a breathtakingly free and remarkably liberated world. Sure we can do more and do better, but I refuse to subjugate the happiness I do have to a “perfect ideal” we have yet to attain. I am me, you are you, and I am perfectly happy to meet you and get to know you.
I voted “it is not the same” because it is different then a male/female relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it is a perfectly fine relationship, but it just has different dynamics just as it would if it were a male/male or femaletfemale relationship. Those of us with spouses who are cis-female deal with our dressing and relationships with that as a major factor. Spouse agree, disagree, are supportive, or not, and some need to have it hidden from them while others don’t. No doubt others in different gender relationships deal with these issues as well, but their SO likely comes at it from a different perspective.
The part I found issue with is the “not a real relationship” comment. That was very rude and uncalled for and you have every right to seethe as such a comment.
I understand your reply and it’s totally cool. I just think it’s wonderful to hear about a relationship that works. I find peace in that. My thoughts and prayers to you.
Jenny
I fully agree, it is wonderful to hear about people in good relationships. Two things I particularly enjoy reading here people who come to a good relationship with themselves, especially about their dressing, and people who find accepting partners regardless of their gender or orientation. A happy relationship is a happy relationship…no need to add qualifiers.
Your friends are being very insensitive and probably a bit jealous of your situation. Some like to wallow in their own problems. Your situation is ideal, in my opinion. I’m happy for you.
Jenny
I, sometimes, have an uncanny ability to be overly empathetic. It’s a blessing mostly, but sometimes a curse when I’m dealing with people who aren’t true to themselves. I’m here to chat if you like. I guess years of being in sales helps you to tap into other peoples issues and motivations.
Feel free to PM me or keep it public. No matter which you choose. Just know that I need friends just like you.
We’re all here for each other.
Jen
“I asked why and was told “because it’s not a real relationship”.”
That is pretty insensitive coming from other crossdressers. Sounds as if they are projecting their own issues onto you.
Imagine all of the differences and permutations with just run-of-the-mill hetero relationships!
Of course, your relationship is the same. All of our significant others are the most important people in the world to us. I do think that as we discuss our situations with others, we have to guard against looking to label others as bigots, etc. We should express any hurt that we feel to others to help make them aware of an insensitivity. I think it is possible that these gals would expect less resistance to our own dressing, because she dresses herself . It is certainly not impossible that a cross dressing lover would prefer her own cross dressing partner only in male appearance. I have seen many people on this site preach patience with wives who were not CD’s who were not supportive. My guess is that the majority would be upset if a cross dressing partner wasn’t.I am so happy you have found love. Your relationship may not be the same. It may be even better. Be brave as we explain our unique situations to others. Rejoice in your own happiness.Thank you for bravely sharing your story. We support you and love you. Be secure in yourself and in the love you have found.
Wendie, I have come back to this pole several times, wondering howto answer it. I answered it is not the same. BUT I would have prefered to answer it is not the same AND it is the same.
Even among hetro crossdressers where there is acceptance each case is different, there are no 2 cases that are the same. Many cases are very similar but no 2 are alike.. Cassie
It is the same. Exactly the same.
You are with someone who fulfills all the loving, care, companionship and more that they would consider a “real” (pains me to say real) SO would fullfill. As for whether they’re a cis woman or otherwise it’s irrelevant. They support you in everything from the physical aspects knowing how to put on panty hose, apply nail polish and more through to understanding practical things about a CD lifestyle.I certainly would not count them as informed friends. They sound rather insular and biased. (sorry to sound negative)
It’s the same. In any relationship (whatever the genders of the two or more people are and whatever their sexuality), we have to learn to accept each other as complete people with all our quirks. If we can learn to embrace each other completely and honestly, that is a major step towards a successful and long term relationship. Crossdressing or not, the situation is the same for everyone!
I just have to chime in one last time on this topic, as it’s sooo interesting. My preference for a SO would be a CD. A few reasons for this. It would be great to have a male buddy to do the man things with. Then, it would be great to have a best CD friend to do the girl things with. As far as the intimate part… that’s where things get interesting. As Jenny. I would accept either side. As Tom, I think I would prefer my partner as her CD self. Man to man doesn’t interest me so much. CD to man or CD to CD would be my preference. But, who knows. Never had the luxury of finding out! Regardless, I think all relationships are on equal ground.
Jen
First this: your reaction to something or someone says everything about you and nothing about it/them. So first, I’d suggest trying to objectively analyze what about it upset you.
That said, at some level, I’d agree with them – you had very little to fear when telling your SO, if in fact you had to reveal it at all. If you met while CD’ed then it was a known factor. It’s akin to some 7′ fella telling his girlfriend/wife he’s tall. She’s gonna know and already accepted that. Risk = 0.
What it *doesn’t* mean or say is that your relationship is somehow not as valid or worthy, only that this particular item, which IS potentially a very sensitive if not life-altering topic, isn’t really on your radar as such.
But mostly the first bit – figure out what about it upset you so. 😉
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