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I’m 5-days now into recovering from double hernia surgery, the last I hope of a string of maintenance surgeries. I feel like a car with a 100,000 miles on it and now all the maintenance and repairs that are due have caught up…..Wow, the last 3-months of overdue maintenance I guess, oh and add a 2-week bout of Covid to the list. I stopped my Hormone Replacement Therapy 3-months due to the surgeries. Okay maybe that’s my rationalized excuse.
Yes, after decades of denial, of religious guilt, failed relationships, potential loss of family and friends, my “success”, fear, God’s wrath, and who I really am, I decided to fully accept that I was Transgender a year ago. Though I grappled that the only life that I’ve ever known would be forever changed in every way, I started Hormones to become who I am. The emotional roller coaster ride the hormones initially had me on was brutal, as they fought my testosterone for control of my soul. Once the Estrogen sets in at the 4-month mark, you finally realize your alignment and internal happiness. Yes, a feeling of belonging that I have never felt before. The loss of muscle, increase fat, smooth skin, and horribly sore nipples confirm your body is not far behind your mind.
After this last surgery, all I can think about is the scars I may have below my belly button. I want to be able to wear a bikini and sexy underwear with confidence. The silver lining is that I lost a couple of pounds!
Loved when I was on hormones! My weight was down to my almost girl weight and look, my body less muscular, and my soul, body, and mind was right. I was aligned with who I am.
Hate the feeling of being off hormones. The fight between self is back. The noise is deafening at times as both sides of self fight for control in an all out hormonal war. I look in the mirror and see that I don’t have absolutely any hope for resolution without being on hormones. It will be a forever fight if I don’t go back on hormones. I am already exhausted in the fight….again!
I wish I could stop and just crossdress to relieve me of this unsatiable desire to be a woman. I think I can overcome my female self over and over again, I rationalize, even fool myself at times to believing I can continue to live my life as a heterosexual man. I honestly wish I can stay a “normal” man, especially for all those beautiful past love relationships I once enjoyed and eventually destructed. My male life was a lie and it would always eventually catch up. I could quell the girl desire, albeit temporarily before the girl noise started again, before the girl fight with myself overtook my male defense. I honestly tried every trick in the book to keep the successful male lifestyle and privilege I enjoyed, even if it meant a forever fight that would lead to my eventual self destruction. Now, even though without Estrogen I am back to that ugliest of inner self fights and I am exhausted with the never-ending noise of conflict between man and woman in my brain, my body, and my soul. How could even consider, think about trying to beat this…..man v. woman inner self again?! It’s been decades!!
My girl self kicks in again for a minute and as self preservation goes, I so look forward to being back on hormones, extremely sore nipples and all. Once I get past the 4-month mark, the emotional rollercoaster settles down, as do I. What we sacrifice of ourselves for our preservation of self, for our loved ones! I ask myself if I can do it one more time? Stay “Straight”? One last chance to live in the mainstream?…. Or go back on hormones and face scrutiny and persecution for who I am?
I loved the woman I was becoming on hormones. My loved ones, life loves me as a man. Do I choose them or I? I have a choice right now before me, Do I go back on hormones again?…. Or is this really a choice?
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