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I have been reading with interest several posts in which the original poster or those who reply will use expressions like “When I’m -insert femme name-” which basically is an implication of some way they have to express how there is a separation between their “guy self” and their “femme self”. (Ah yes, time for my usual disclaimer… this post is not intended for those who already identify 100% as a woman, live full time -or almost full time- as a woman, feel they are a TS, etc.).
In general, I cringe when people talk about their own actions in third person… Kind of another way of keeping a distance from “that woman” who happens to show up in the mirror from time to time. Kind of saying that only when you change your boxers for panties is when she comes to life. But to each their own.
Oh yes, that word… I’ll get to it. I know that I’m guilty of having used similar expressions early in my own self discovery journey. Like “I must dress up or I’ll blow a gasket” or “I need to wear a dress to feel better”. Well, I realized that there were no gaskets to be blown, and I was able to feel great wearing a dress or not. And this happened when I realized that instead of trying to separate my “male self” from my “feminine self”, it was not only possible, but very satisfying when I was able to…. INTEGRATE them. Yes, the word of the day (and for every day since then, to me at least) is INTEGRATION.
I am the same me when out working on my car (Hate doing it, but hate paying a bunch of money for work I can do myself), or watching a game, or getting my nails done or buying yet another pair of shoes. There is no “switch” for me. I’m not “65% woman 35% man”, no matter what a test may have to say, I am me. Just me. I don’t feel like a woman or a man. I feel like me. Think like me. My whole experience is my experience. I can’t go “When Gaby was out last time” or “When Clark Kent got his job”.
Of course there are changes to they way I present or how I behave depending on what I’m wearing or how I decide to present myself to the world. When I’m presenting as a woman, I try my best to have my mannerisms, voice, walk, etc. match my presentation. Same is true for when I’m presenting as a man. But that doesn’t mean that I change who I am, or how I feel, or if I suddenly start liking pink and not blue.
So, I believe I have been rather successful at integrating all aspects of my persona/personality into only one being. Me. Husband, father, fashion icon, son, girlfriend to my girlfriends, etc, etc. Some of the best part of it… zero stress about clothes. Equally happy in a dress than wearing shorts and a t-shirt with a “best dad” sign. Inner peace. BALANCE!!!! I don’t know, just being able to enjoy life. Yes, of course, always keeping an eye on sales and fashion, learning about makeup, style, etc.
So, I wish people could give it a try and stop separating into the “manly macho man side” and the “girly glittery girl side” and tried what has worked for me for some time… maybe it will work for you, maybe not. But if it does, I hope you will try to share that experience too!
Gabriela
I’ve been trying to live that way also as I’ve said elsewhere I believe my feminine side makes me a better person. More whole. Dressing does tend to bring that out and I think most here would agree we enjoy the freedom that comes from embracing it💋
Katie
Katie,
It is a matter of simple math… if you add “both sides”, you become more whole. If you subtract one from the other… well, not quite. 😉
Thanks!
Gabriela
Haha!
I just wrote quite a long post in the “Brain Switch” thread promoting the opposite viewpoint, so won’t repeat it.
I love the chances to be different, think differently and feel differently, thanks to a lifelong love of acting.
If it helps to keep the two sides separate, I believe you should.
If you find it more helpful to reconcile everything into one parcel, then whatever works for you.
Love Laura
Hi Laura.
Different ways of seeing things. Nothing wrong with that. To each their own.
I believe that it should be possible to keep a balance even if you keep both sides separated, as long as both sides are not taken to the extreme. And I have known some of those taking things to extremes…
Becoming a “man’s man” how won’t express his feelings because that is “for girls”, who can’t wait to get back home to change into a dress so she can be the girliest girl… something tells me that may not be very healthy for that person. But in any case, I’m not a therapist, nor I play one on TV, so what do I know? 😉
Gaby
Unfortunately that is the reality for many of us, who need to be the “man the wife married”, but have uncovered the reality inside through dressing – the transition is a difficult one.
When you have been brought up in an environment where you are expected to be a man, as most of us have, it’s kinda difficult to unleash the girl inside – and I have genuine envy of guys who have achieved that.
The reality for me is that I do not have to consider how I behave when out and dressed as Laura, and it still surprises me 2 years after starting the rare opportunities.
My wife isn’t ready for Laura even after years of knowing, so it’s a necessity, not a choice.
Faced with the choice of divorce or keeping the 2 parts separate, it’s a no brainer.
Integration is akin to passing, from this point of view – yes, it would be nice to be 100% authentic all the time, but at what cost?
Thereby hangs a tale, if course, because you are absolutely right, of course – it’s not healthy to keep these things suppressed.
I find ways to let little bits of Laura through into my marriage – this is why it helps to keep the 2 sides separate. I can tease a bit, and hope to capture the humour with her, and thereby, step by step reach for integration within the context.
Love Laura
Hi Laura…
So, the devils advocate…
I’ve noticed time and time again the mention of ‘I have to be the man my wife married’… it seems to me that for many there is little or no give or take in their relationships. Why is it all on the man to give up what is important to him?
I will say now that my wife is a wonderful, loving person but… She does say that if you truly love someone then that love goes with whatever happens!
What if you became a paraplegic? Quadriplegic? Blind? Would your wife accept you then? Would it be easier for her?
Why does wanting to wear a dress make it so difficult for people?Enough rant… sorry Laura, that wasn’t meant for you in particular. I was just remonstrating against all the wives out there with very little love in their hearts.
Apologies Polly 🌷🌹🌷
I used to keep the two ‘me’s compartmentalised blokey-me and girly-me; I was always aware they were really the same me. Just putting on girly-me when I dressed became no longer possible – since I’ve been dressing regularly (although not frequently), my female aspects has been more apparent.
Four years ago I decided to consciously integrate my male and female aspects – strange to start with but now I am more fully me – a better happier person overall. I don’t desperately need to dress in women’s clothes – Its just nice to do so when I get the chance.
Thank you Alicen.
Yes, that is a great side effect. We are much more than the clothes we wear. Clothes may change how the world may see us. And have an effect on us, of course, but only as much as we want or allow.
At the end of the day, when we close our eyes and go to sleep, in our slumber, we are still who we are, doesn’t matter if you are naked, wearing lumberjack’s thermals, or a satin night dress.
Gabriela
I feel I must respond, since I recently posted on just this subject.
Gabriella, I am happy for you, and a little envious, but in my situation, Integration, or whatever you want to call it, is just not possible.
In my workplace, Regine, or any form of her, would just not survive. Due to my position, and the roll I must play, Alpha male is the only way it works, and that is so far from my 3rd person( I think second, but oh well), it truly is a switch.
I would love if my 2 selves could merge, and be one all the time, but, Que sera sera.
Hugs, Regi👩💕So actions have consequences.
Different consequences can occur for different people performing the same actions.
If someone felt like they’re going to explode if they don’t get to slip into a dress, it’s because they’re feeling extremely suppressed. Social constraints really suck, but they are so real and gripping. If you ‘can’t dress up’, it doesn’t mean that your fingers are broken, and you’re physically unable, it means that you feel so trapped by society’s expectations of what it is to be a man or a woman that your fear stops you. You stop yourself from doing what you desire.
Sometimes it can be very difficult to realize that the only person stopping you is yourself.
Then the new word to mention is Courage.
Personally, i do not possess as much of that badass bitch attitude as i need. I’m working on that, and CDH has helped me feel much less isolated, and more encouraged to own it.
Courage to Integrate.Well ladies, I guess I may not have been able to communicate the message I was trying to share with you all.
I’m definitely not advocating for “get out of the closet/forget about being stealth/let’s get on everybodys face while wearing your prettiest dress”. Not at all!!
I was hoping you can recognize that nobody needs to be wearing a dress to be loving and caring and able to admire beauty and marvel at life’s little miracles like finding a pair of designer shoes in your size for $9.96 at Macy’s!
While at work, sometimes even the most feminine and beautiful woman has to behave like an a$***** in order to win, so that it is not only a guy’s thing!
If you still can’t be “all of you” at home, I hope you will be able to change that. Be loving and caring yet strong and firm with your kids, and just an overall nice person with everybody. That is not a man or a woman thing!
Hope this is making more sense now…
No, I’m not out at work. I could, according to legal, but I don’t need to.Gaby ♥️
I have to dress in drab for several roles like work and family events. I still feel like my true essence is feminine no matter what I am doing. There was the topic on the ‘switch’ and I posted that my switch doesn’t go from male to female. It stays female. That is who I am.
Eva,
Very close to the intention of my post. We are who we are regardless of what we wear, in the end.
Thanks.
Gabriela
Thanks for the post, Gabriela. You’ve got me thinking about my situation.
Hi Gabriela, I have used similar phrases recentlyto discribe when I’m feeling more masculine or feminine. I’d said Chris and Trish. I personally am similar person as either, though Chris tends to have a wider range in moods.
It’s just language for me. Languages evolve for efficiency in transfering the message.
Love Trisha
I agree with you for me, Gabriela, that I am still me, that I still think the same way whether I am dressed or not.
However, I think that for many, there is a switch, one which not only changes outward behavior to fit in, but changes their way of thinking about the world. A few months ago, there was a poll question which asked “When you are dressed as a lady, do you feel differently about men?” (currently on page 12 of the poll forum). Note the question is about feeling, so it is similar to integration versus there being a switch. Before I give you the results, I’ll summarize my reply (and one I may have used other places as well).
I once asked my friend why she refers to me by my female name even when I’m completely in male mode. She answered me with a rhetorical question, Is your mom still your mom when she isn’t wearing makeup? I have asked a corollary (and ridiculously sounding) question, does your mom/wife/SO/girlfriend suddenly have a desire for women when they are wearing pants?
Yet when I look at the poll, with currently 747 votes, an overwhelmingly 2/3 say yes. Even with this not being a scientific poll, that is a high enough number in my book to tell me that there are a significant number of people whose do feel this switch, feel they are not integrated but two separate personalities. Something goes through their head that changes them internally, and not just what image they project to the world.
Sure, 1/3 of the people don’t feel any different, and that isn’t an insignificant fraction. But my experience with this (and other similar) polls is that for some people, they definitely think differently about things when dressed.
Hello Alison, and thank you for your reply.
That was an interesting poll but like with most polls, can have very different interpretations.
So for those who said that “yes, I feel different about men”… would it be possible that in all reality they may be interested on men, or at least not opposed to the idea of getting attracted to men, but they just don’t allow themselves to even consider the idea because of personal prejudice? And let me say that even if 2/3rds say that, one thing is talking about it, and a very different thing would be following through with having an actual contact with a man.
But I digress. At the end of the day, that switch may no be other thing than a mechanism to be able to cope/handle/manage their own gender/sexual issues. And if that is the case, to each, their own. I think they may be missing on some things, but I can only talk from my own experience.Thanks
Gabriela
Grace, that is ok. But my idea of that integration is way deeper than what I believe you are saying. One thing there that you mentioned is… well, let’s see:
You said “I have to think drab”. Not sure as of why? Your thinking is all totally personal and private. I can be wearing the prettiest dress and still be able to take a work related call… and vice versa, I can be in a work meeting and wondering which dress I’ll wear to match the shoes I just bought.
Of course the exterior needs to be (at least for the most part) a match with the presentation as a whole. I sure hope that I don’t behave like a guy when I’m presenting as a woman, the same way I hope I don’t act in a feminine manner when presenting as a guy.
We get trapped in a bunch of stereotypes… “Boys are strong and don’t cry”, “Girls are sweet”. Why can’t we be a strong woman or a sweet guy? Or let ourselves cry whenever we feel like crying, regardless if we are wearing mascara or not?
Anyway, Thanks! We all have different journeys and different destinations. I just hope that some of what I have been through in my life, and what I have got to learn, may help others in their own path in life. 🙂
Hi Stephanie.
It is not only the English language. It is every language. Languages are great tools to communicate actions, but not quite good to allow us to communicate ideas and feelings.
Gabriela
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