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Hey Ladies, I’ve been thinking about something. Sorry if this seems sorta philosophical, but it’s something I’ve always wondered about. When we are our womanly selves our real selves, who are we?
Ok, yeah I know weird question, but like I said it’s something I’ve always wondered about. I’ve always wondered what kind of woman I am, am I flirty, sporty? Do I like certain things, not like certain things? Being a crossdresser has helped me see a whole new side of the world, I’ve seen some of the things real women go through, clothes shopping, bra shopping, fixing my hair. These are just some of the things I have a totally new found respect for real women for dealing with. Hell I get confused trying to figure out make-up.
When I become Jessica, I like the feeling I have of letting my kinder, sweeter side out for the world (even though I’m still a private dresser save for the time I went to the mailbox). I know that my female self and my male self are two sides of the same coin, and it bugs me that the one side sits alone in the dark while the other side sees the light. It sucks that when I’m my male self I feel as if people are scared of me, I’ve seen kids hide behind their parents. They never see the kinder side of me, they never see Jessica.
I often find myself sitting and while searching something online, or watching TV my mind wonders is this the kind of woman I am? When I see other women, I find myself asking the same question, then it starts to make me rethink things.
I can’t count the number of times I hoped for some kind of Sci-fi event to happen to allow me to change who I am, but I don’t know who I am. I love my female side, I love being Jessica, yet I can’t help but think I’m not being Jessica correctly.
I sometimes feel like I’m playing at being a woman, when I’m really trying. I have the utmost respect for women, it’s not easy being a woman. Yet I feel like I’m mocking them and making fun of them, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy?
I’m sorry again if this got too philosophical, this was just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.
Hi Jessica everything your mulling over is everything I at least feel. I’m sure that most of us have had the same thoughts. As far as what GGs feel toward us it seems to depend on the individual. Some of the SOs are totally supportive while others not so much. On the whole though I think most of them would be rather welcoming and kind.
Now as for how I feel about my feminine traits, I love them and how they make me in my estimation a better man. The more I let my feminine side rule the more I want to let these feeling dominate who I am. This is a lifelong ride and I still have a lot to learn . Don’t beat yourself up too much, just love your true self.💕💋 KatieI truly believe we are the people we want to be when we pull on them tights or put on a dress, at first for myself it was to be a bit different but then id think to myself this is me and this is who I should be,wanna be and will be and slowly but surely I’m becoming the woman ive always known was deep inside as since I was little ive felt differently to bio men and felt I wasn’t part of their ways and how they act. I’ve always been very femme and dressed on and off as a woman since I was very young and at first it was a feel good thing but after time it became so natural and normal even to dress as I do. So I think deep down I should of been born female as my life as a male was a utter disaster and ever since I accepted who I am and what I am and what I can be ive been so happy 😊
I acceptEd a very long time ago that this is who I am and since I did that I’ve become a happier person and not had any regrets and I love who I’m becoming as im so much happier when I’m in my female mode which is becoming more and more and soon I’ll have no male clothes and ill have to start thinking about the next steps as it’s the final goal being as femme as possible. Never going to be a bio fem but I truly believe that having surgery one day will make me complete and thats something I’ve never ever felt when I was dressed as a male 100% of the time, as never felt part of the male world as always looked up to women and was inspired by women
I think accepting who you are is the biggest thing,once you’ve done that it’s all down hill no going back. That’s what I’ve done and coming on cdh has helped cuz I must admit I still had a few doubts at 1st but now I’m doubt free and so much happier
I don’t think you should ever think you are mocking anyone. When it comes to our lifestyle choices we are just being ourselves. Women who choose to dress and even act like men face no ridicule or abuse at all. They are easily socially accepted. And when I meet them I don’t feel like they are mocking me. It should be the same. Just that its not. What kind of woman am I? The same kind of man I am. I try to be kind caring and compassionate. That’s all you can ask. Maybe I’m way off track. You did say we had to do a lot of thinking.
Hi Jessica,
I don’t think you’re crazy nor are you mocking anyone. But that’s because I’ve had similar feelings that you’re now expressing and I’m certainly not crazy. (well, I hope!).
We’re just who we are, sort of stuck between two worlds, the one in which we appear to others and the one in which we see and try to accept ourselves.
I understand your mention of sci-fi and having it be able to effect the change. I write stories as a way to get my feelings out, and many of my earlier ones did use magic or sci-fi or whatever to make the change happen, I’ve mostly stopped that as I’ve finally accepted that all that is impossible, so now I write more realistic (if still not totally plausible) actions to have the change happen. It’s a release.
I once considered it ‘playing’ but I now accept that is more like practicing. Not that I’ll ever be good enough to be like a pianist and play at Carnegie Hall, but practice does help, and doing it enough, and wanting it enough, finding places to put it into action, or finding others to share, maybe I can be at least an amateur, but more than amateurish.
How to little girls learn to be women? Many years of practicing, trying clothes to big or ill fitting, trying make-up, jewelry, all those little things. Nobody thinks they’re making fun of women. We’re just learning too, but it’s in private, and sadly too much alone time, and definitely not enough time.
We are who we are, and we’re all just trying to make the best of it.
Hugs
Hello Jessica.
Personally, I have found, that over the years my feminine side just continues to go from strength to strength. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, my female side is always overriding when it comes to just about everything. I live, love , laugh and cry…..
I’m definitely gentler, softer, more caring and loving and if that’s a bad thing….then gosh, grace is such a naughty girl….and I’m loving it!!!!!
Huggs, grace xx
Hi Jessica,
I am sure we have all been through times as you describe in your post, I have.
I have had so many times that I just want to scream out and tell everyone about Mikala.
That time will come, The Girls on here are wonderful and so supportive.
I have the deepest admiration for the Girls who are living their true lives, I can not thank them enough for sharing. I find it so inspirational.
We are of all ages and at different stages in our journey, the honesty of every post I read is so moving.
I feel at home here.Mikala xxxx.
Hi Jessica
You are certainly not crazy. Self-reflection is a good thing to do in moderation. As others have already said here, a lot of us have similar thoughts. I don’t think you, or any of us, are mocking women in any way. If anything, I think we are celebrating them. Or, at least, trying to.
Jessica is who Jessica is. No-one is grading you on how she presents although, I know, it can feel that way. She is part of you and no-one can take that away.
Hugs
Jen. x
I don’t feel that I have a different personality when I’m dressed, whether out or in. I’m me, all the time. Putting on a dress or a wig doesn’t make me kinder or more compassionate, I think that’s the way I am all the time.
Now I do change physical behaviors, like posture, stride, voice, or mannerisms so that I don’t out myself. And in certain situations I do feel some of the experiences women feel, both positive and negative.
But at the personality level, or intellectual level, I am the same whether fully dressed, partially dressed (wearing clothing but no wig, makeup or even breast forms), or in full male mode.
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