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  • #493173
    Jessica Charms
    Participant
    Registered On: May 6, 2021
    Topics: 6
    Replies: 26
    Has thanked: 80 times
    Been thanked: 168 times

    Hey Ladies, I’ve been thinking about something. Sorry if this seems sorta philosophical, but it’s something I’ve always wondered about. When we are our womanly selves our real selves, who are we?

    Ok, yeah I know weird question, but like I said it’s something I’ve always wondered about. I’ve always wondered what kind of woman I am, am I flirty, sporty? Do I like certain things, not like certain things? Being a crossdresser has helped me see a whole new side of the world, I’ve seen some of the things real women go through, clothes shopping, bra shopping, fixing my hair. These are just some of the things I have a totally new found respect for real women for dealing with. Hell I get confused trying to figure out make-up.

    When I become Jessica, I like the feeling I have of letting my kinder, sweeter side out for the world (even though I’m still a private dresser save for the time I went to the mailbox). I know that my female self and my male self are two sides of the same coin, and it bugs me that the one side sits alone in the dark while the other side sees the light. It sucks that when I’m my male self I feel as if people are scared of me, I’ve seen kids hide behind their parents. They never see the kinder side of me, they never see Jessica.

    I often find myself sitting and while searching something online, or watching TV my mind wonders is this the kind of woman I am? When I see other women, I find myself asking the same question, then it starts to make me rethink things.

    I can’t count the number of times I hoped for some kind of Sci-fi event to happen to allow me to change who I am, but I don’t know who I am. I love my female side, I love being Jessica, yet I can’t help but think I’m not being Jessica correctly.

    I sometimes feel like I’m playing at being a woman, when I’m really trying. I have the utmost respect for women, it’s not easy being a woman. Yet I feel like I’m mocking them and making fun of them, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy?

    I’m sorry again if this got too philosophical, this was just something that’s been on my mind a lot lately.

Viewing 12 reply threads
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    • #494368
      Stephanie Roberts
      Princess
      Registered On: May 20, 2020
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 643
      Has thanked: 5505 times
      Been thanked: 2347 times

      Hi Jessica,
      You are not crazy, and you’re not mocking anyone either. As one of the other ladies has replied, we are who we are. You are uniquely Jessica. You are an amazing lady no matter what.
      Love and hugs, Stephanie 💖

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #494363
      Alison Anderson
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 15, 2018
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 484
      Has thanked: 302 times
      Been thanked: 1981 times

      I don’t feel that I have a different personality when I’m dressed, whether out or in.  I’m me, all the time.  Putting on a dress or a wig doesn’t make me kinder or more compassionate, I think that’s the way I am all the time.

      Now I do change physical behaviors, like posture, stride, voice, or mannerisms so that I don’t out myself.  And in certain situations I do feel some of the experiences women feel, both positive and negative.

      But at the personality level, or intellectual level, I am the same whether fully dressed, partially dressed (wearing clothing but no wig, makeup or even breast forms), or in full male mode.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #494372
        Clara Cross
        Lady
        Registered On: December 7, 2020
        Topics: 10
        Replies: 327
        Has thanked: 927 times
        Been thanked: 1521 times

        Alison,  that’s me too. And something to aspire to…wholeness, unity, personal acceptance, balance…shall I go on?

        Reflectively,

        Clara

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #493344
      Jen Scarlet
      Lady
      Registered On: May 2, 2021
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 61
      Has thanked: 521 times
      Been thanked: 381 times

      Hi Jessica

      You are certainly not crazy. Self-reflection is a good thing to do in moderation. As others have already said here, a lot of us have similar thoughts. I don’t think you, or any of us, are mocking women in any way. If anything, I think we are celebrating them. Or, at least, trying to.

      Jessica is who Jessica is. No-one is grading you on how she presents although, I know, it can feel that way. She is part of you and no-one can take that away.

      Hugs

      Jen. x

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #493328
      Mikala
      Registered On: April 11, 2021
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 77
      Has thanked: 433 times
      Been thanked: 295 times

      Hi Jessica,

      I am sure we have all been through times as you describe in your post, I have.
      I have had so many times that I just want to scream out and tell everyone about Mikala.
      That time will come, The Girls on here are wonderful and so supportive.
      I have the deepest admiration for the Girls who are living their true lives, I can not thank them enough for sharing. I find it so inspirational.
      We are of all ages and at different stages in our journey, the honesty of every post I read is so moving.
      I feel at home here.

      Mikala xxxx.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #493324
      Polly Stewart
      Lady
      Registered On: January 2, 2021
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 957
      Has thanked: 1361 times
      Been thanked: 3309 times

      Well Jessica… I think we have all of us, gone through the same process. I have ended up, after being puzzled a lot by this, just being me. I am excited by what HRT will do for me and may, indeed, end up by puzzling over this again.
      In the words of a famous character… “I yam what I yam”

      Hugs Polly

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #493314
      stephanie plumb
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 157
      Replies: 2114
      Has thanked: 3378 times
      Been thanked: 9971 times

      The real issue is that we were assigned as male at birth and our subsequent nurture and upbringing focused on us being boys, so we learned over many, many years to act and (mostly) think like boys. That is an awful lot of conditioning and brain-washing.

      No wonder its difficult to throw some of this off, after all when in drab we still have to be “boys.”

      But it is to some extent reversible. The more we dress, act and think femme, the more we are  reprogramming and feminising our brain. That is how and why we get better at it. The woman in us grows, and hopefully the man shrinks!

      So its all about practice, practice and more practice until we build new neural feminine pathways in our brain.  Neuroscientists reckon around 10,000 repetitions of an action are needed to build a new neural pathway.  Its how, as boys, we learned to ride a bike, or get good at a hobby.

      So keep at it girl!

    • #493303
      Grace Scarlett
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: February 16, 2021
      Topics: 85
      Replies: 1821
      Has thanked: 6499 times
      Been thanked: 10200 times

      Hello Jessica.

      Personally, I have found, that over the years my feminine side just continues to go from strength to strength. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing, my female side is always overriding when it comes to just about everything. I live, love , laugh and cry…..

      I’m definitely gentler, softer, more caring and loving and if that’s a bad thing….then gosh, grace is such a naughty girl….and I’m loving it!!!!!

      Huggs, grace xx

    • #493254
      ChloeC
      Duchess
      Registered On: November 5, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 324
      Has thanked: 819 times
      Been thanked: 1405 times

      Hi Jessica,

      I don’t think you’re crazy nor are you mocking anyone.  But that’s because I’ve had similar feelings that you’re now expressing and I’m certainly not crazy. (well, I hope!).

      We’re just who we are, sort of stuck between two worlds, the one in which we appear to others and the one in which we see and try to accept ourselves.

      I understand your mention of sci-fi and having it be able to effect the change.  I write stories as a way to get my feelings out, and many of my earlier ones did use magic or sci-fi or whatever to make the change happen, I’ve mostly stopped that as I’ve finally accepted that all that is impossible, so now I write more realistic (if still not totally plausible) actions to have the change happen. It’s a release.

      I once considered it ‘playing’ but I now accept that is more like practicing.  Not that I’ll ever be good enough to be like a pianist and play at Carnegie Hall, but practice does help, and doing it enough, and wanting it enough, finding places to put it into action, or finding others to share, maybe I can be at least an amateur, but more than amateurish.

      How to little girls learn to be women? Many years of practicing, trying clothes to big or ill fitting, trying make-up, jewelry, all those little things.  Nobody thinks they’re making fun of women.  We’re just learning too, but it’s in private, and sadly too much alone time, and definitely not enough time.

      We are who we are, and we’re all just trying to make the best of it.

      Hugs

    • #493219
      Michelle Trott
      Duchess
      Registered On: April 7, 2021
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 206
      Has thanked: 374 times
      Been thanked: 877 times

      I don’t think you should ever think you are mocking anyone. When it comes to our lifestyle choices we are just being ourselves. Women who choose to dress and even act like men face no ridicule or abuse at all. They are easily socially accepted. And when I meet them I don’t feel like they are mocking me. It should be the same. Just that its not. What kind of woman am I? The same kind of man I am. I try to be kind caring and compassionate. That’s all you can ask. Maybe I’m way off track. You did say we had to do a lot of thinking.

    • #493182
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 40
      Replies: 1029
      Has thanked: 304 times
      Been thanked: 3461 times

      We don’t have to be one or the other. Why not just be both at the same time?

    • #493179
      Anonymous
      Registered On:
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 344
      Has thanked: 810 times
      Been thanked: 1066 times

      I truly believe we are the people we want to be when we pull on them tights or put on a dress, at first for myself it was to be a bit different but then id think to myself this is me and this is who I should be,wanna be and will be and slowly but surely I’m becoming the woman ive always known was deep inside as since I was little ive felt differently to bio men and felt I wasn’t part of their ways and how they act. I’ve always been very femme and dressed on and off as a woman since I was very young and at first it was a feel good thing but after time it became so natural and normal even to dress as I do. So I think deep down I should of been born female as my life as a male was a utter disaster and ever since I accepted who I am and what I am and what I can be ive been so happy 😊

      • #493189
        Anonymous
        Registered On:
        Topics: 2
        Replies: 344
        Has thanked: 810 times
        Been thanked: 1066 times

        I acceptEd a very long time ago that this is who I am and since I did that I’ve become a happier person and not had any regrets and I love who I’m becoming as im so much happier when I’m in my female mode which is becoming more and more and soon I’ll have no male clothes and ill have to start thinking about the next steps as it’s the final goal being as femme as possible. Never going to be a bio fem but I truly believe that having surgery one day will make me complete and thats something I’ve never ever felt when I was dressed as a male 100% of the time, as never felt part of the male world as always looked up to women and was inspired by women

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #493193
          Anonymous
          Registered On:
          Topics: 2
          Replies: 344
          Has thanked: 810 times
          Been thanked: 1066 times

          I think accepting who you are is the biggest thing,once you’ve done that it’s all down hill no going back.  That’s what I’ve done and coming on cdh has helped cuz I must admit I still had a few doubts at 1st but now I’m doubt free and so much happier

    • #493178
      Katie Time
      Duchess
      Registered On: April 3, 2021
      Topics: 24
      Replies: 179
      Has thanked: 1213 times
      Been thanked: 981 times

      Hi Jessica everything your mulling over is everything I at least feel. I’m sure that most of us have had the same thoughts. As far as what GGs feel toward us it seems to depend on the individual. Some of the SOs are totally supportive while others not so much. On the whole though I think most of them would be rather welcoming and kind.
      Now as for how I feel about my feminine traits, I love them and how they make me in my estimation a better man. The more I let my feminine side rule the more I want to let these feeling dominate who I am. This is a lifelong ride and I still have a lot to learn . Don’t beat yourself up too much, just love your true self.💕💋 Katie

    • #493177
      Holly Goodrich
      Lady
      Registered On: April 19, 2021
      Topics: 33
      Replies: 88
      Has thanked: 253 times
      Been thanked: 588 times

      That kind of self-analisys can only make you a much better person when you fully embrace your femininity. The answers will cone in their own good time and I think you’ll be pleased with the results.

      Lastly, welcome to the site. You’ll find a lot of good advice and some zaniness toi.

      Hugz, Holly

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