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Every relationship has its own dynamics, personalities of those involved, and the boundaries that are acceptable to each. Hopefully each of us find the ways and balances that will work and allow us to express ourselves. I mean no disrespect to anyone and know that each one of us need to make our own choices that best fit our situation and life. I’m lucky enough to be in a very positive place when it comes to my crossdressing with my partner, but have challenges in other areas, none are perfect and theres always compromises to be made. I listen here and try to understand some of the difficulties expressed by so many and how I might deal with things if I were in their place, here are some of my thoughts;
I understand (to a point) the want of the person they met and again it doesn’t apply to me but some that I know. Suppose….when you met the SO she was well packaged (dressed), form fitting clothes, hair done, makeup etc, and continued like that through the courtship. Slowly, after living together or whatever, it got less. Scrappy jeans, baggy tops, and a lack dresses or skirts became the norm. Although they would never call it crossdressing…..?
And if you were to confront or ask about it;
“Well I just want to be more comfortable”, me too.
“I only wear it around the house”, me too.
“It’s just clothes!”, mine too.
Shaming others is rude, uncultured, almost unlawful, and apparently for many….a one way street.
I read recently in another thread about someone asking permission to dress, its not how we roll in this Shire. But Again! If thats what works in your particular situation and life, its all good. For any of those that might relate to the above scenario though, I double dog dare you to tell your partner that they need your permission to put on those thread bare jogging pants and triple oversized jersey top.
I’m not a sports fan but know many here who are, take football (north american or real), it can actually be worse on a household than CDing. The drinking, betting, cost, cursing, tempers, unruly guests and the outfits ugh lol. What if that was a DADT not allowed in the house activity, without compromise?
I don’t support controlling or overbearing behavour from either side. I’m may not be the ruling king of this shared castle, but I do demand a meaningful vote on issues that I feel are important enough to me to stand up for. #1 being able to be ME, your choices and mileage (kilomerage?) may vary.
Please, Don’t hate me girls, I’m just venting on some recent threads and correspondance.
Olivia
Like most debates, I often like to stand back, watch and listen. I tend to see both sides of topics and often both sides have very valid points. I have often wondered, as I read profiles that those who say “no” to transition, really would but are stopped by fear. I think that it is wonderful for your soul if live authentically and stop hiding from yourself.
With my girlfriend, we are in a period of adjustment. I am taking baby steps as she is not familiar with the term transgender. I would like to maintain our relationship and grow old together. It would be a total shock to her if she woke up one day and I was a woman. I don’t seek her permission, but I can sense when my progress is going too fast. We have many deep conversations and she wants me to be happy.
I know in my heart that there will be a transition for me and I will never go back into the closet.
Eva
It is always hoped that we can take this hike side by side, it is certainly easier and more pleasant when hand in hand on any journey. When the strength of conviction on ANY important relationship issue is equally strong but opposing, unfortunately there is no guarantee of continued compatability without one of the participants giving up on oneself.
I hear you Olivia. I have no quarrel with your post, except…..”North American or real” football. OUCH!
Best, Clara
Yes, maybe CDH will have to ban discussion on Religion, Politics, Sex AND what constitutes “Real” football.” 😉
Jamie,
I mean, there’s nothing to discuss! It’s already settled!
🏈
Lol, well, even soccer guys envy football… 😝
(Apologies for his language!)
EXACTLY!
🏈
Hearing you loud and clear, Olivia.
I’ve wondered the same thing myself – the woman I met was fond of short dresses and skirts, and hardly ever wore jeans.
After we married, a different story – and yes, I hear the resentment of actually not being allowed to dress similarly to how she used to, when she now dresses similarly to me.
I understand that it’s the person, not the clothes, but I feel that understanding is not extended back. It does seem to be a controlling behaviour.
I see no reason to sugar coat what is an issue for some of us, hence there’s no punchline.
This aspect breeds resentment, which is toxic in a relationship, and well worth exploring rationally.
The desire to cross dress is not the same as the desire to change gender.
Love Laura
Olivia, you have my mind going several different direction on this. My relationship with now my X has been weird. I have come to let her run rough shod over everything. If we were having a discussion about something I would often start by saying 2 or 3 statements to lead to my conclusion. Often she would stop me at one of my statements ( usually an obvious fact ) and tell me that I thought she was stupid. Her other main ‘thing ‘ was to take a part of one statement, twist it in her mind just a tinny bit to make it sound to her like I said something I didn’t.
These days I can’t hardly count the number of times since she found out about my cross dressing that she has called me weird or sinful. Like when I sometimes had my girly shoulder length hair around the house and tells me I look more like a girl ( in a negative tone) I either say thank you or I laugh.
SandyOlivia,
Sometimes, we have to make sacrifices for the other. And sometimes, satisfying our personal selfish desires must take a backseat to more important considerations, obligations, and responsibilities. That’s life. It ain’t about us…
And based on my belief, I also think the husband is the one who should initiate sacrificial, selfless service. I believe our wives’ needs come before ours, and of course, the idea would be that she would reciprocate in an understanding and charitable way. But because I see a marriage vow as both a vertical and horizontal covenant, my “performance” is not dependent upon whether she does her part. Hopefully, she understands what makes me happy, and following HER part of the covenant, works to help serve our wants and needs to.
I think one of the biggest problems the pink fog can create is a sense of selfishness and entitlement if we aren’t careful. I have always had to be on guard for that.
😊 🤗
Steph
Hi Stephanie
I agree with parts of that, I’ll steer well clear of the covenants and vows aspect for everybodies sake.
There always needs to be balance and compromise which ultimately leads to some kind of sacrifice by Both. As you said, the idea being that it would be reciprocated by the other, but the idea doesn’t always work out. A self righteous or overly self centered attitude by either party can be destructive in a partnership. Giving too much of oneself in an attempt to make and keep the other happy is unhealthy as well.
I’m not bashing the SO’s, even those that are unrelenting. Some of it comes from a controlling nature but there are also those who can just not accept this behavour in their life for many possible reasons, which is their right. Most of us have things that we may not choose to accept in a partners lifestyle or personality. It may not be the match we thought it was in the begining.
Olivia,
I don’t disagree at all with anything you said. Both partners have an obligation to each other that is equal. I guess what I’m trying to say is that 1 partner’s “performance” of their obligations in the covenant is not dependent on whether the other partner is performing all of their obligations. There have been times in my marriage when I have failed my wife. There have been times when she has failed me (I view her withdrawal of support for my ability to express myself as Stephanie as perhaps a failure of hers, but I could be wrong!). Thank goodness we see marriage as both a vertical and horizontal commitment, and we persevere even when things are difficult.
To me, I see marriage as an institution established by God and not merely an earthly contract that binds each to perform unless/until one fails or one becomes unhappy. Otherwise, marriage is no different than any other human contract. We seem to now treat it that way, however, and because that’s not what is intended as the ideal, that’s why we see so much cultural devastation from broken families. And I don’t think we can even discuss marriage outside of the paradigm in which it is intended, or else it becomes meaningless and subjective.
God bless,
Steph
Lisa
Perhaps your reading and my writing didn’t align or the spacing was too close to read between the lines and you missed the gist of it. You, like myself are fortunate in having accepting communicative partners who share a willingness to compromise when necessary to show mutual respect. Some don’t have that.
I used the word ‘suppose’ to set that as just an example.
I absolutely do understand the many mental adjustments that come with crossdressing, mine that got me to where I am and continue and theirs discovering, trying to accept and move forward with a partner who has evolved in an unpredictable direction.
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