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  • #393672
    Cassie
    Participant
    Registered On: August 28, 2020
    Topics: 4
    Replies: 19
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    I don’t mean the definition. Where I live you can qualify for surgery after one year of HRT and living as your desired gender. I have been thinking a lot about this. What lengths do you have to go to present as a female? I wear a bra every day and only when I work for someone I haven’t come out to (two half days a week) is the bra not filled with my D cup breastforms. My wife never wears a bra. My wife never wears a skirt or dress. She doesn’t wear heels or makeup or anything “girly”. She is never mistaken for a man. So if I was required to present as a female for a minimum of a year, what lengths do I need to go to? At what point do you consider yourself En Femme?

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    • #395659
      rebekka moore
      Participant
      Registered On: January 7, 2017
      Topics: 74
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      Hi Cassie,

      This is a very good question.  I’ve come across all sorts.  There is this one couple whose child was involved in some activities one of our kids was.  From a (short) distance if you were to look and did not know them, you would think they were a gay (male) couple.  He is an average “guy”. She is always wearing blouses that are tailored like a mans dress shirt, always in slacks and in penny loafers.  She wears her hair very short.  The only “give away” is her voice.  For her this is a “en femme”.

      I know you were not looking for a definition, but I think that is what it comes down to for all of us.  “How do we define what is en femme?”

      I believe our circumstances govern this to a degree, if not completely.  For instance myself.  I can only dress so much, in my “hybrid” mode.  Anything more and my SO would probably have me out the door!  I get away with what I can, while at the same time feeling “en femme”.  I go to the lengths I am able to.

      Like anything else I think it comes down to the individual and what makes them feel and look en femme.  Not just in appearance by the way, but in our mannerisms as well.

      Hope I did not go too deep with this!

      Love and Hugs,

      Rebecka

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    • #395585
      Cassie
      Participant
      Registered On: August 28, 2020
      Topics: 4
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      I think I mislead people when I asked this question. I am not looking for legal or medical advice. I was just curious about others and their perceptions about being en femme. At what point do you go from feeling like a man to feeling like a woman when it comes to what you wear? Is wearing a pair of lace panties enough to make you feel like a woman or is it when you put breastforms into a bra and wear them? Do you really not feel like a woman until you have your makeup on? I am just curious. I am sorry about the confusion. I was just curious about what makes you feel that point when you are en femme?

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      • #395587
        Sa•man•tha
        Founder
        Registered On: January 21, 2018
        Topics: 261
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        Oh, that’s what this is about?  In that case, I always feel like a woman.  The clothes, forms & makeup are the symptom, not the cause.  Context, honey.

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    • #395499
      Sa•man•tha
      Founder
      Registered On: January 21, 2018
      Topics: 261
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      Hi Cassie,

      I think the thrust of this is that they want you to experience life as a woman or at least life as a trans woman, before you (and they) commit to something permanent.  As a matter of your own mental and emotional health, to make sure that you’ll be able to integrate and live successfully in your new life.

      So at home, whatever.  You should have this part nailed already.

      In public, in fem “as a woman” 100% of the time.  To ensure that you’ll be able to deal with it and get along.  Kind of a “trial basis”.

      It’s just my opinion, but if you’re at the point where you need and want the hormones & surgeries, then “in fem in public 100% of the time” is something you should already be chomping at the bit to do rather than a chore or burden you’re tasked with.

      So what actually constitutes “in fem”?  Your therapist or whomever ought to have some guidance there.  Personally, I’d say, however you wish to present as a permanent state.  In lieu of a therapists guidance, basically what you’re comfortable with and intend to do on a regular basis.

    • #395488
      Erica Inside
      Participant
      Registered On: April 10, 2018
      Topics: 4
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      This is a difficult topic. My education on this subject has been growing and changing exponentially over the last handful of years. The gist of my answer is that you are absolutely right with your seeing this as problematic. I think it goes right to the heart of the gender identity/ gender expression. My wife is also a woman that does not wear skirts. rarely wears make up. She is a jeans and sweatshirt kinda girl and you would never mistake her for a man. It always bothers me when people talk about passing for a crossdresser. I have been a crossdresser for a long time. like many it started with panties, then bras and lingerie. I now look for women’s clothes that could be mistaken for men’s. I have very feminine cloths that I love to wear when I can have Erica time, I have only gone out a few times completely “En femme”. That is just for a little back ground. For a while I did get myself all worried that I was on a path to “transition”. Worried because I was not sure I wanted to express my feminine side 24/7. There are things I like about the person I am. Thankfully I am less anxious about it these days and like just being kinda feminine more some days less others. I try not to be afraid of being seen as a feminine man. These definitions are our way of help us and others feel comfortable with something. that is what humans do, we define and classify things. I have a problem with the title to this forum. “Transexual” is a very outdated term.  someone does not have to present as female to be a woman. A woman does not need to have breast to be a woman. A man does not need to have external genitalia to be a man. A man does not need to be macho to be a man. The greatest gift the gender revolution is giving us is the freedom to be who we want to be when we want to be it. And our expression may or may not match or gender identity. There is no risk to the rest of the world if I change my gender expression on and daily basis. It might be difficult for me to develop certain relationships or hold certain positions in life and society. But that is the case with any choices we make. AS for surgeries,  in some cases gender reassignment procedures including HRT should have some level of education and mental health professional involvement but I think that should be left to a doctor/patient confidential relationship as we hold those professionals to a high standard for practicing medicine. When we are talking about minors it can be a very difficult topic one I am not sure how to handle. But I now see the spectrum, not in it’s entirety but certainly a lot clearer than I did before and to me it is like looking at one of those hidden image puzzles. once you see the light it is so hard to understand why other can have such a hard time with it.

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    • #393984
      Seren
      Participant
      Registered On: March 2, 2020
      Topics: 36
      Replies: 395
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      I think where I am you have to have 1 year hrt and the sign off of two qualified therapists b4 surgeries. They don’t talk about your home living status (?) and I don’t know how they would check anyway?! I can imagine that the closer I get to feeling like a girl f/t the less effort I’m likely to make (my wife also rarely wears makeup, dresses etc) xx

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #393977
      Emily
      Participant
      Registered On: April 30, 2016
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 433
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      Good question to which I don’t have an answer, but it did make me think. Is it different for each individual?

      2 users thanked author for this post.
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