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Hi girls, I wrote this after my first time out (about 3 years ago). I don’t post often but thought you all might like it, I know I love reading your adventures (keep them coming).
Just so you know, Su was a rock during this experience and I could not have done it without her. If you are considering going out for the first time, try to find your rock. This event truly changed me, it was the moment Jane became part of me.
Life is for Living.
Here I am, sat in the passenger seat of Su’s car. I look down at my hands laying crossed on my lap, bright red glossy nails catching my gaze. I love what I’m wearing, the skirt, blouse and everything else makes me feel warm inside. The next experience in my life is to take my first steps outside ‘fully dressed’. Life is all about experiences and life is for living!
As you have chosen to read this I will assume you are a crossdresser and you probably fall into one of two camps, you have already dressed in public or you want to (I know there’s a third camp that have no interest in going out – I was there once!).
Either way emotions will be strong, from memories of a pivotal point in your life to the desire to live the experience yourself. I never thought I’d be here, never have the strength, guts, courage to go through with it. Life changes perspectives, we all go through events that change us. Life can harden and hurt you, mould and mash you. It makes you see things in different ways, through others eyes. My life has brought me here and I’m ready as I’ll ever be.
Fear -“a natural, powerful, and primitive human emotion. It involves a universal biochemical response as well as a high individual emotional response. Fear alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological.”
Yes, I feel fear but my emotions are under control. My strength is Su and the knowledge that the world is not like it used to be.
I had a wobble earlier in the day. I was walking through a town centre and imagined being fully dressed. I became extremely anxious. To that point I was so confident, I just need to plough on. Now I’m good.
During the car journey I know I am safe. There is a physical barrier.I look around at life going on around just as it would if I was dressed in male clothes. Nothing has changed but I feel isolated, in my own bubble, mentally. Su can sence this, she keeps me talking – thank you.
We park in the centre of Town for a walk through the gardens. It’s my last chance to stop this but I know I would have deep regrets.
My inner need pushes me on, no pause to the flow. Su goes to buy the parking ticket leaving me alone in the car – I check my makeup. Yes, I checked my makeup! I don’t even know how to put the stuff on! This is only my third time fully dressed! I don’t even own any makeup. Perhaps I’m just checking it’s still there.
Su is back, time to get out the car ‘like a lady’. I open the door and slowly but shorely glide my first leg out, keeping my thighs together. Now the second leg, well done Jane, perfect. I lean forward to stand. Something is stopping me, my stomach tightens – my seatbelt is still on. Stupid girl. Seatbelt undone I try again and I’m OUT.
Even with a few of days of reflection, I’m still not sure how I felt at this moment. So many emotions. I was in my mental bubble.
Confidence – a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something.
“Just be confident” said Su. “If you are confident you will blend in”. I tried to be confident, walk purposefully, upright, shoulders back and eyes forward. I did this and I think I did well, Su complemented me.
I was quiet though. My attention constantly drawn to each and everyones face I could see. Are they looking at me? Staring? Have they ‘clocked’ me?
So what did I see in these faces? Well – nothing. Nothing that I would not normally see. I saw young and old, groups and individuals, couples and families living their lives.
When people walk, going about their business, they are in their own world. They are occupied in their own thoughts and actions transiting from A to B, conversing with others, plugged into their phone, many have their head down and barely register the world around them.
There are a few that are more aware, people watchers. I am a people watcher. I would say about 1 in 30 people might be like this, possibly less. No science here, just a guess. All I mean is they give more of glance your way and ‘compute’ what they see. But what do they see? They generally only have a second or two. A glance could become a stare if something stands out.
I do photography as a hobby. I create images with the aim of making the viewer look at them in a particular way. This is basically about making something stand out or draw you attention to something. Without this their eyes will wander. Answer – don’t stand out (unless you want too!).
We walk through the gardens, I am trying to relax but I’m still scanning faces, gauging peoples interest in me. I’m on the edge but in control. Su talks to me but I’m quiet, apologizing for being that way. She takes a few pictures, trying to capture memories but also relax me. I need this, it helps.
Heels – I love heels, no I adore heels. If I could I would be on a par with Emelda Marcos (showing my age – Google her if you need to). Heels cry femininity. Unfortunately being reserved is the need here, don’t stand out.
I bought a pair of ankle boots specially for going out. They fit ok, a bit tight but ok. I feel good in them. They look great with the outfit and have a nice kitten heel (cute kittens).
While out I have learnt some lessons though. I’ve had very limited experience of walking in heels, a little around my house and during my last time with Su. I feel I walk well, loving the heel click and flow of my stride. It feels natural. Smile. However, heels are not good on soft grass and the gaps between the Pier walkway planks must be avoided. I don’t care though, pain and pleasure. Pleasure wins.
Su suggests we go to the market, for me I need somewhere a little quieter so we head to the pier. I’m feeling ok, still in control.
Su dares me to do a little pose, Jane takes the bait and her character suddenly comes out. She is confident, fun, chatty, open, emotional, passionate. All my male side should be, but is not.
I look across at some oaps sitting on a bench watching , I think. At that point I don’t care. They may see two women just having fun. They may see a crossdresser, I don’t know nor ever will. It doesn’t matter. They smile at me.
For this fleeting moment I felt free. My coat wide open. I could see my boots, legs, skirt and blouse. I could see the shape of my breasts!
We move on, the moment over. I’m back on edge. We head along the sea front.
Su suggests a couple of places we could have lunch. I had mentioned that I could be up for it but would see how things go. Am I strong enough? Yes I am, but not now. I do feel in control but don’t want to push things. This experience will have to wait. This is a step for next time, something to mentally process over and over in the meantime.
I ask if we can head back to the car. Su smiles – “sure we can, you have done really well”.
I don’t recall much of the journey back. I know Su and I talked a lot. She was strong for me throughout this huge moment in my life.
We arrive back. Time for lunch and a glass of red, I need it! Su tells me to sit down (making sure I am opposite the mirror) and prepares lunch. I sit there processing what I have just done, the whole experience and the emotions. This will change me.
To this point when I have looked at my reflection or a photo while dressed I have always seen male me. There is a mask of a woman, the clothes of a woman but male me. Earlier in the day Su was so excited “you are ‘so’ going to pass”, she said. I didn’t feel it though.
I talk to Su and sip my wine. I glance in the mirror and see Jane.
She is here at this moment. I pause, taking in my reflection. Life is for living and I feel alive. I almost cry. I am Jane and Jane will be back for more.
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