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  • #149213
    Sa•man•tha
    Founder
    Registered On: January 21, 2018
    Topics: 261
    Replies: 1396
    Has thanked: 6022 times
    Been thanked: 4825 times

    About three lifetimes ago, I was known as a flamboyant, feminine young man.  Not that this was my goal, it was just how I expressed myself without thought.  People commonly believed me to be homosexual.  I wasnt, and couldn’t understand why they thought I was, haha.  It was easy to be friends with girls and I was friends with lots of them, but girls were rarely interested in me sexually.  I more commonly attracted the attention of 50 year old men than women my age, much to my dismay.

    By my early twenties I felt fed up and decided to try to figure out how to be a man.  I cut my hair very short, began dressing more normally, took a job in the trades and above all began taking a “take no prisoners” attitude towards dealing with other people.  In short order I began to notice that the laughter and derogatory comments from other men had stopped, and women had clearly began to notice me.  I began to figure out a lot about men and women both.  Now that I was firmly playing the role of the man, I began to live any of my feminine aspects out internally, secretively, or vicariously thru my girlfriends, now that I could actually attract women romantically.  This phase lasted until my late thirties, which I am now leaving behind.

    I found holding all this in and trying to live it out thru others to be a frustrating and unfulfilling experience.  Being a man just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and neither is being in a relationship, at least not when you’re not free to express yourself.  Occasionally I’d need to break loose a little, and to a generally unsympathetic ear.  Of course, my feminine side is still a somewhat guarded thing, tho on the loose she is.  It’s nice to feel free about expressing that, even if in subtle ways.  I no longer care whether women find me attractive, and it’s somehow quite a weight off my shoulders.  I’m grateful for their friendship and no more.  Men don’t seem as unfriendly anymore either, possibly because I can now laugh at them just as hard as they laugh at me.  I can’t tell for sure if society has changed that much in twenty years or if it’s just me.  Maybe it’s both.  If you made it this far, thanks for reading dear sister.

Viewing 5 reply threads
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    • #378489
      Tricia Lynn
      Participant
      Registered On: November 20, 2017
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 70
      Has thanked: 301 times
      Been thanked: 236 times

      Sammy,

      Your insight is always so illuminating. I am so glad to have been able to be here and see what you and others have to say about personal feminine experiences. I’m in a particularly difficult state right now, having come out to my wife as CD a couple days ago. Due to her extreme reaction, I’m afraid that I will have to stuff Tricia away again for a while, at least physically, and just visit here from time to time and hope that my full on male side doesn’t get too overbearing.
      Gotta go now – starting to cry a bit…

      Tricia

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #377838
      Jenny Thigh High
      Participant
      Registered On: August 10, 2019
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 207
      Has thanked: 895 times
      Been thanked: 911 times

      Great post! Easily one of the best I have read in CDH

    • #377824
      Seren
      Participant
      Registered On: March 2, 2020
      Topics: 36
      Replies: 395
      Has thanked: 3334 times
      Been thanked: 1763 times

      Thanks for sharing Sammy! I did the overcompensating thing too, grade 1 hair cut, stubble/goatee, gym sessions…
      isn’t it strange that in our younger days, supposedly carefree and without responsibilities, the real us is kept locked away? As we get older, one develops more of a DGAS attitude but now there are other things/people/families holding us back…. 🤔

      Seren xx

    • #377818
      patty williams
      Participant
      Registered On: January 19, 2019
      Topics: 62
      Replies: 1132
      Has thanked: 1749 times
      Been thanked: 3674 times

      Hi Sammy,

      Times have definately changed.

      I am glad you have found yourself and discovered you are perfect just the way you are.

      Thanks for sharing.

       

      Patty

    • #377814
      Olivia Livin
      Participant
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 35
      Replies: 1450
      Has thanked: 6204 times
      Been thanked: 3352 times

      Thank you Paul, for…..the rest of the story

      If we play any part convincinly enough, we can be whomever they want us to be, so if we want to be our true selves badly enough we should be able to pull that off too.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #149273
      Bianca Everdene
      Participant
      Registered On: April 11, 2017
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 527
      Has thanked: 1692 times
      Been thanked: 1754 times

      We are in exactly the same place Samantha, I have had very similar experiences, and now don’t care what others think. I work in a predominantly female environment and went to the theatre with 12 women to a musical, up dancing with the best of them, drinks afterwards, a great girly night out. The old stifled male me would have been too self conscious to join in. Happily heterosexual, but not willing to compromise my happiness to be what I perceive women want me to be.

      love

      Bianca

      7 users thanked author for this post.
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