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About three lifetimes ago, I was known as a flamboyant, feminine young man. Not that this was my goal, it was just how I expressed myself without thought. People commonly believed me to be homosexual. I wasnt, and couldn’t understand why they thought I was, haha. It was easy to be friends with girls and I was friends with lots of them, but girls were rarely interested in me sexually. I more commonly attracted the attention of 50 year old men than women my age, much to my dismay.
By my early twenties I felt fed up and decided to try to figure out how to be a man. I cut my hair very short, began dressing more normally, took a job in the trades and above all began taking a “take no prisoners” attitude towards dealing with other people. In short order I began to notice that the laughter and derogatory comments from other men had stopped, and women had clearly began to notice me. I began to figure out a lot about men and women both. Now that I was firmly playing the role of the man, I began to live any of my feminine aspects out internally, secretively, or vicariously thru my girlfriends, now that I could actually attract women romantically. This phase lasted until my late thirties, which I am now leaving behind.
I found holding all this in and trying to live it out thru others to be a frustrating and unfulfilling experience. Being a man just isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and neither is being in a relationship, at least not when you’re not free to express yourself. Occasionally I’d need to break loose a little, and to a generally unsympathetic ear. Of course, my feminine side is still a somewhat guarded thing, tho on the loose she is. It’s nice to feel free about expressing that, even if in subtle ways. I no longer care whether women find me attractive, and it’s somehow quite a weight off my shoulders. I’m grateful for their friendship and no more. Men don’t seem as unfriendly anymore either, possibly because I can now laugh at them just as hard as they laugh at me. I can’t tell for sure if society has changed that much in twenty years or if it’s just me. Maybe it’s both. If you made it this far, thanks for reading dear sister.
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