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I’m kind of stealing from a poll I read here on cdh but I wanted to share. The poll read “can you be attracted to yourself?” and it started me thinking of a recent experience. As someone who enjoyed the feeling of an item or two and the fantasy of it I never really went totally en femme. Stockings , panties and the like always small things. After telling my so about what I was up to I decided to buy some stuff of my own. This started with pantyhose, a corset and a pair of heels that actually fit. I loved it and thought maybe that was enough. But I started to think while I looked at my reflection how a corset and on a hairy, flat chest wasn’t all that attractive. Maybe this wasn’t enough for me why not get some more things. E-commerce is a godsend or maybe a curse depending on how you look at it. I could buy whatever I wanted so I did. This progressed for sometime and eventually turned into the whole deal with makeup, a wig, forms etc. When I looked into the mirror I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was an attractive woman staring back at me. My heart raced I had butterflys in my stomach I was in disbelief. I could feel the endorphins coursing through my body I was attracted to her. I know I wouldn’t have passed but I felt beautiful and for the first time I looked it too. I haven’t mastered makeup or fully shaved my legs but I loved what I saw. I was taken aback when I heard my voice coming from her though. So many things went through my head as I stared. I wondered if this was what I would have looked like if born female. The strange thing was how much I looked like my mother when she was young. That freaked me out a little although she was beautiful in the day. As I gawked at the reflection I couldn’t help but wonder is this me or is this just a hobby. I always chalked this thing up to just a little fun but after this I’m not so sure. Maybe some of you who have been doing this for a longer time can explain the feelings I had but after being Melanie for a few short hours I’m not sure I can resist her.
I’ll start, Melanie. I’m definitely in love with the woman in me & can’t wait to meet her. Years ago, I dared myself to go into a beauty salon in the middle of the day & buy a wig. Brought it home & threw on some make-up. Wasn’t even a semblance of what I look like now (which also needs work) but I shook and cried when I saw the girl in the mirror. I was so happy. I called a chat line just to converse while dressed. The experience was overwhelming.
It’s different now but some things are the same. This time I am following through and truly pursuing my goal to become a beautiful, attractive and alluring woman. I’m finishing now what I started then.
Love you, Serena Stevens
Mel, you remind me of a topic I saw here about a year ago. It compared our cross dressing to a drug addiction. The feel and looking at ones self can be sooooo intoxicating. You want to do a little more become a little more feminine. Then due to societal pressures we purge throw it out and think we don’t need this. In truth every time we purge we deny a side of our selves. She wants to be here in the world, she is a part of us. It takes some of us a long time to realize she makes me better. In truth this ‘addiction’ makes us better people if first each one of us can accept ourselves and then those close to us can accept us to.
Sandy
Well my wife and i went to macys many years ago and to their cosmetics department. We stopped in the clinique section and she ask for some makeup. I saw a very pretty color lipstick and asked if i could see some on me. Btw i was in drab back then. I sales girl put someon my wrist and i loved it and bought it. As we were waking away my wife said you know i really love me femnininty so i guess i can seee how you love yours.
Melanie,
I’am new to this, but today the wife and daughter are off taking the daughter back to college, so even if they wouldn’t care if I dressed. I went “whole hog” as it were. I did a half good job of my makeup and hair put on leggings and a over sized black sweater, my jewelry with a silver pendant necklace over the sweater. And I looked in the mirror. And OMG I looked good (well for a 75 year old). And I find myself drifting back to the mirror it is so thrilling, I have never considered myself attractive before but now I am beginning to.
So I guess what I am trying to say is enjoy it it is part of who you are!Thanks for sharing Serena. The part about shaking and crying really hits home for me. I had never seen myself that way before. Never realized how powerful it would be. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone. I couldn’t believe what I saw and how it felt. I kept blinking my eyes thinking I would turn back to normal but every time she was still there staring at me. The part that concerns me is that I really want to go back to that place. I never felt the need to present myself before and never cared how I looked but this one experience might have changed me or maybe just made me realize the truth. Thanks again for the kind words.
One day I looked in a full length mirror and me – Jessica was staring back.
Loved my reflection loved what I had become love where I am headed.
Hugs
Jessica
All the mirrors in my house are waist high and above. My SO would prefer them all gone, she hates them. But last year I bought a full length mirror that can be hung over a door. Whenever I want to look at my fem self; especially when trying on new clothes, I hang it over my closet door and then I put it in its hiding place after my dressing session.
Melanie,
I have written a couple of CDH articles describing my personal struggles with becoming too addicted to that image in the mirror. Part 1 can be found in the Hodge Podge section here.
Part 2 is currently being edited and should be published very soon, likely to also be found in the Hodge Podge section.
Perhaps you may find something in these articles that you can relate to.
Hugs, Mona
Ty Mona. Your article really hits the mark for me and I think for a lot of us. I think many of us are torn between two personas within the same mind and body. Can’t wait to read the next part of it. The support here is overwhelming every reply to a post or a simple thanks make me feel less alone. Your article illustrates how even the most accomplished amongst us have dealt with the struggle of being torn between the two voices in our heads. So glad to have joined. Btw I really love your pics Mona you have such a confidence that really translates in them. Looking forward to hearing and seeing more from you and everyone else in this community.
It’s powerful to witness the emergence of something greater than your own image from within yourself.
Literally, transformative.. Seductive even.
It could be said that you just realized your fullest potential by looking inward to project outwardly. Either way, it sounds like a profound experience that you have witnessed and made real something you really want for yourself. Embrace it, but be ready for the power it can yield…It may make you alter the course of your life. It’s – you – that has to determine what way you want it to go..
I wish you well with your decision and onward journey of self-realization and discovery.
Kvc x
Thanks Kitty the encouragement means a lot. I wrote this as a bit a of a cautionary tale because like you said the experience can be transformative literally. As a person who dabbled with an item or two, and fantasized more than I cared to admit to myself. When I saw myself fully en femme I can’t articulate how moving it was. It was as if that new person really could exist something popped in my mind. Years of pent up desires met with deep denials. These feelings culminated into more introspection and possibly therapy. I just think that I wasn’t prepared for it. Never wanted to go out in public as Melanie before maybe fear but now I am considering giving it a try. This experience has pushed me to a place I didn’t expect to be
That’s really quite amazing. Just take it a day at a time?….
x Kvc x
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