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Hello all. I have been a member here for well over a year, but soon after joining and making a few friends I disaspeared because I knew I didn’t need this site to help me handle my trans nature. LOL
62 years old, exceptionally strong Christian faith, have longed to be female since age 5, kept the desires (and reality) of my female self tightly bottled up so that it only oozes out of the cracks, see myself becoming more withdrawn, frustrated, sad person. . . . but I can handle my transness, right?
Yes I can, but not like I have been handling it. 2018 – change is necessary. Transition? Probably never. But change I must.
This year I have decided to be more open and honest with whom I actually am.
Yes, I actually am transgender. Wow! I said it.
I am determined to be honest, as far as she is able and comfortable, with my wife about what is going on inside of me, why the growing frustration which is hurting her and our marriage (my second).
I am not sure where this decision will take me / us. As a much as I would love to be Charlene 24/7 I don’t believe that to be a right choice for me. And being open may not bring dressing into the front and center, but I do believe that the honesty with the one with whom I am one with will yield much goodc fruit.
And who knows God may be gracious and allow me, Charrie, life that I have never known before.
Welcome home Sister. I am going through similar struggles myself. I am with both sides of myself, knowing that I need to come out to my wife, terribly frightened of what may happen when I do. I enjoy some of my male side, but I also love being Rochelle.
Hi Rochelle. Thank you for your reply. I understand that fear oh soooo very well, (My first wife left me after my femme self oozed out of the cracks so much; too much for her. Very little overtly, but when she put one plus one together . . . well she decided after 38 years she could no longer live with a man like me) Me = hard worker, provider, companion, father, respected in the community, but there’s that fly in the ointment – I am trans. in the closet and thus frustrated and withdrawn at time’s. So yes coming out can be daunting and “dangerous”.
My second wife knew before marrying me that I was “gender broken”. She married me nevertheless. She knows I am this way, but not the depths of what “this way” means. I want to correct that this year so when I am really having my times of deep struggle I can tell her and hopefully thereby give her some understanding of why I am thus so moody, distant, and frustrated.
As noted originally; I don’t like the person I am becoming as I remain in the closet. I put up with being male. That is what I am and what others who love me as dad and grandpa need so for them I will remain male. And I am OK with that, but need help being that man. Hoping my helper who is just right for me can help with this need by her knowing more about the real me.
Scary? Not really. But it is a difficult journey to initiate nevertheless.
Blessings.
Charlene happy you have returned back , it’s so nice including another sister to our fold. For some being able to express and be comfortable within ones self is just, but for many and this includes myself I found it very difficult to understand and accept these changes and to hold them . Not only in the dressing but the emotional feelings that encompass this. Especially when such a desire is hiding inside and kept away from people so close. When I held back these disclosure it ran my emotions wild. From anger to frustration to full confusion. Finally I opened up to my wife and after our talks , guidelines were set , her acceptance started to show but with caution and for me all this negativity started to subside. For most of us we need to be honest to the ones that are close but most importantly we must be honest with one’s self. When that acceptance does happen, peace of mined will settle in and a journey of true love for all will occur. As for my wife she is the most important person in my life and for her she is allowing Stephanie to be part of our relationship . I couldn’t ask for anymore. Best to you Charrie and your journeys ahead. 🌹
Hi Charlene. Welcome home to CDH! I understand what you are going thru and I wish you all the luck in the world wife and her acceptance. It is odd how CDing seems to return over and over until you commit. I agree 100% about honesty….it always comes back to haunt you if you are not.
Hugs….
Lady Veronica
I guess it’s my turn to speak and make a change. I am 62 years old and have been dressing since 10, or 11, yes back in the “old”days. I have been bingeing and purging for years. Now that has stopped, I am now keeping what ever I buy, often still with some underlying regret but keeping it still, Even wearing some around the house.
I also intimately understand the “struggle” and is horrendously real!! Who to “come out to, what will they think? will you accept me”. I was married for 14 years, (my dressing was not “the” issue and is more complicated.) My wife knew I liked to dress up from time to time and never made it an issue, other than “I needed to be the “strong” one in the family, a trifling bit of pressure. On night when I was home (a rarity as I worked 2 jobs), the Avon lady came over, planned or not I don’t know. During her visit she openly stated she knew may guys that cross dressed and even helped them! This after me promising not to do it again (sound familiar?), I attempting to honor my word denied that I was one. A HUGE mistake I have regretted for 30 years! I so wish I had stayed in contact with her! The other issues kept piling up and then the,,,,, divorce. It was during the divorce my wife said she still loved me but, was more attracted to women. I got the kids and all stayed deeply buried. I still yearned and badly wanted to dress but still could not.
Many years after the divorce I met another lady. She was semi “ok” with my dressing….. to a point. Other issues came up and that did not last although, she was the only female to see me dressed.
So here it is 2018, I live alone and can dress at will dresses, pants, tops, heels, bras, panties, sleepwear, stocking, even a couple of wigs almost everything I could need……except friends, and how to make up!
So here I am with all you wonderful girls/ladies, trying to start new journey. I understand the need of many of us to be our inherit male selves, yearning to wear clothes and still be accepted for who else we really are. Being in a rural small town setting makes it almost impossible but try we shall.
Thank You CDH, and all of you girls for being here, admittedly……I can not due this alone.
Love
Jamme
Wow, this is a powerful thread. Firstly, welcome back Charlene and welcome to the site Jamme. As a closet girl I can relate to so much of what has been said here. And Rochelle, I hear you hun. I am in the same position as you. I will need to come out to my wife. I wish you girls all the best and hope we get to chat soon. Hugs, Sandy xx
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