Hi, I’m new here. A quick self portrait: Happily married [28 yrs.] Born male— but— many of you know the feelings of being smart enough to fake the “Alpha” role yet— there was always this secret thing hidden even from ourselves. I knew I was a fraud but, I had the magic of alcohol to prop me up . Until it didn’t. Then I began a long and slow climb to the ridgeline I am now riding.
I have a few theories about the shape of my life, The knowledge that I have an addictive personality has caused me to question why sex had such a commanding hold on me. Is it possible testosterone affects some of us a bit differently than others ? The idea that it is a poison has become more convincing to me in the last 10 years. For me, it was impossible to reconcile my desire for women with my desire to be a woman. I couldn’t understand where that came from but, I knew it was the key to knowing why I did the things I did. Then gradually, I came to accept the truth I had denied so consciously all my life. Finally I could explain why I loved the company of women but felt anxious with men-why I loved performing nurturing tasks- preferred the sidelines to the main ring-bought and discarded numerous women’s wardrobes, and all the while being eaten by “male anxiety”. Of course, all that was because I had created a prison for myself and my inner nature. There would be no peace until the gate to the cell swung open and the guard collapsed exhausted from the fight.
The woman I’m becoming is hoping for a chance to live her life. She wants to be nurturing, loving, emotionally astute and relaxed enough to allow the world to rush by without any fear of being left behind.
The hormones I take are working their wonders . Each day is like a miracle of gratitude and awareness all at once. The woman I’m becoming has a few requirements for my former male self to fulfill . That will be accomplished with the help of the surgeon I’m making arrangements with early next week. Then, in a few months, I’ll be free. I’ll be able to be who I’m meant to be and the most amazing thing; at 72 years of age, I’ll become acquainted with who I am.
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